Well I laughed...

 

Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, there have been many mass debates on the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. As well as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.

A common problem with sexual innuendo is the recipient being unable to wrap their hands around the intended meaning. In this case, an individual using sexual innuendo will often start slow and eventually build up, increasing depth more and more until the recipient feels the actual thrust of the point and the innuendo climaxes. An innuendo is always the most pleasing when no one sees it coming, often by entering the mind through the rear. Some skilled people are even able to use several sexual innuendos quickly in succession, resulting in multiple innuendo-esque climaxes. Key phrases can grasp the sentence by the ankles and part its long clauses allowing the orator to penetrate the essence of the sentence. In this regard, the key is to avoid stiff, rigid words, for ones that give the meaning of the sentence a firm rise in innuendic possibilities. Some regard sexual innuendo as an art form, and it goes without saying that one needs a certain level of oral skills in order for the fluidic exchange of innuendo to succeed. However, this is not enough to fill her requirements. One needs to pay special attention to the region of the sentence to which the innuendo will enter. For lasting effects, it is most important to enter deep within the recipient's consciousness and to ensure that all of the seeds of humor have flowed forth. This is not an easy task for most people, so it is only through rigorous repetition of the insertion of sexual innuendo that one can fully master the uplifting effects it can have on vocabulary.

Although sexual innuendo requires masterful manipulation of parts of speech (and sometimes the skillful use of body language), for most people it comes quickly.

 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MPs during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

LOL That's funny as hell.

 

Three fisherman are fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them lands a huge fish. As soon as they haul the fish in the boat, the fish shakes the hook out of its mouth and transforms into an angry bearded man, wearing a crown and wielding a trident.

"Who are you, sir?" One of the men quaver.

"I am Poseidon!" The bearded man roars. "And for hauling me out of my ocean home, I place a curse upon you! On your way back to land, your boat shall spring a dozen leaks - NO! Make that a dozen and a half for good measure!"

With that, Poseidon dove back into the water and vanished.

Sure enough, as the three men sailed back to land, their boat sprang so many leaks that they had to abandon ship and swim the rest of the way. To this day, the three of them have never forgotten Poseidon's eighteen hole gulf curse.


Also...

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four it'd be a chicken sedan.

 

The second one's better, me thinks.

"I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!" -Jimmy Carr

 

A Greek and a Frenchman sit down at the same bar one evening, and after a few rounds of beer, they begin amicably chatting about the state of things in their respective countries.

Eventually as the night progresses they descend into debating which country has done the most for the others, gradually sniping back and forth toward the end.

At last, the Greek stands up and announces before the rest of the bar, "My people invented sex!"

Silence descends upon the environment at this, and for several seconds the Frenchman gives it some thought, before smiling and answering,

Spoiler

"And mine introduced it to women."

 

What is white and bothers you while you eat?

Spoiler

Avalanche.

 

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems and document their repairs on the form, and pilots then review the sheets before their next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that hasn't ever had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

 

An eldery couple were at a doctor's office talking to a nurse. She spoke to the man. "I need a fecal sample, a sperm sample, and a urine sample."

The man turns to his wife. "What did she say?"

"She says she needs your underwear."

 

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



"You not Nissan Maindealer?"

 

Why a Dementor, a Squib and a Muggle can't go into the Three Broomsticks for a drink?

Spoiler

Because you can't bring your own food.

 

Not a pic, but have to put this out there to infect your minds.

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mom...you still awake?'

 

Racial humour I found in youtube comments.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender asks the Englishman why he is wearing a suit, to which the Englishman replies,
"To show pride in my appearance."
He asks the Irishman why he is wearing so much green, to which he replies,
"To show pride in my country."
He asks the Scotsman why he's wearing a kilt, to which he replies,
"Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away."

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking dispargingly about the
Scots in Canada & the mixing of race with the Indians.
"You'll find," he said, "a number of Scots half breeds & French half breeds but you cannot find any English half breeds."
"Not surprising," shouted a Scot in the audience.
"The women need to draw a line somewhere."

 

Not sure how many fans of MTV's Daria there are out there. Love the show and found this little gem. Please enjoy.

Change the World.

 

Now it's time for the man's rules. We always hear "the rules" for the feminine side. Ok - we are now going to hear the rules from the man's side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work

Strong hints do not work

Obvious hints do not work

Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I'm in shape. -ROUND is a shape.

Something amusing I found...

---------- Post automerged at 23:23 ---------- Previous post was at 20:03 ----------

Ever get tired of people throwing Bible verses at you, and using religion as an excuse for condemning homosexuality? Well, this is something I came across many years ago, and I still laugh every time I read it.

On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus Dept. of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

 

Tonight's top story: British rock legends Pete Townsend and John Entwistle broke into an animal hospital and set free all of the Doberman pinschers. The police say they now have proof that The Who let the dogs out.

 

Sluts Gone Nuts and other tales by Ed Jaculate

So, I was going through some old emails, and found that I sent this to an old friend of mine back in 2009, with the above title as the subject line. No clue if I was on some really good shit and typed it all up on the spot, or copy pasta. Either way, I lost my shit.

----------

My whipped iced dairy drink brings the attentions of many males to my place of residence and/or employment, and they declare that its quality far surpasses that of yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the proverbial recipe, but I would have to demand compensation.

A B C D E F G, Gummie Bears are after me!!!! One is Red, one is Blue, a Yellow one just stole my shoe!

We had gay burgalars once. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Dashing through the snow, in a pair of broken skis, screaming as I go, ramming into trees,(boomboomboom) snow is turning red, I think I'm almost dead, someone call an ambulance, 'cause I need a hospital bed. Oh, Jingle bells...

Sorry, but I'm away right now. Please leave your name, phone number, where you live, where you hide your money, and the times in which you're not home, and I'll get right back to you.

Last night, when I was camping, I was looking up at the stars wondering... WHERE THE FUCK IS MY TENT???

I am currently alphabetizing my M&M's. Can you tell me what letter to start with?

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT, only takes 4 muscles to bitch-slap that little fuck upside the head.

Love is a sensation caused by a temptation for a guy to stick his location into a girl's destination for a generation and hope for duplication. Do you understand this explanation, or do u need a demonstration?

Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word from the last word is 'spear'.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

____________________________________

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000?
How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big F*CK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
Fuck them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nicke from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't f*cking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.
THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
* (scroll down)
* Make a wish!!!
* No, really, go on and make one!!!
* Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
* Wish something else!!!
* Not that, you pervert!!
* Is your finger getting tired yet?
* STOP!!!!
* Wasn't that fun?
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true!
Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!! Here's how it goes:
Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
-------------------------------------------------------
Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit.
So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!
---------------------------------------------------
Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:
Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.
This Could Happen To You!!!
Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
-------------------------------------------------------
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.
________________________________________________



Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a shit.



MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE LORD OF RANDOM HAS RETURNED!

 

This thread is not dead, it's resting.

Let the jokes recommence.
She wanted to try phone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. It turned her on. Then it turned her off. Then it turned her on again.