A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

 

Barack Obama on Merkel: "I'd tap that."

Of course the NSA misunderstood what Obama meant.

 

Not a joke, but figured it was a better place to put this than in the "Funny pics" thread.

Outlandish story.

 

Is it supposed to be a single pixel? If so, I don't get it.

 

What I see when I click the link.

 

Yeah you're not the only one. I just see the one pixel.

 

Re-upped to imgur.

 

Seen on reddit today: What's the worst thing about getting a new boomerang?

You can't throw the old one away.

 

That joke just keeps coming back around.

 

It's unbearable..

 

This thread needs to be revived!

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’t discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.

The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

 

Poop jokes? Aight.

You ever hear the one about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil:awesome

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!:awesome

And courtesy of Google

"You ever hear about the movie "Constipated'?"
It hasn't been released yet has it?

 

Has the Descartes joke been posted here yet?

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink.

When he's done, the bartender asks if he'd like another.

Descartes replies, "I think not," and poof, he disappears.

 

What's the hardest part when cooking a vegetable? Fitting the Golden Throne in the oven.

 

Why are gorilla's nostrils so big?
Because he has big fingers.

 

Warhammer 40k reference I think

 

Pity thumbs up bro.

 

Time to necro this one again...forgive if a repost.

A French man and a Greek are enjoying a nice quiet evening at their favorite bar. The two talk about their favorite clubs and slowly become completely plastered. In a slurred voice the Greek belts out,

"I luv mah country."

"Oh, why?" The Frenchman asks curiously in his own drunken haze. The Greek smiles widely and states,

"Because we invented sex."

The Frenchman nods sagely and says,

"I love my country."

"Oh, why?"

"Because we introduced it to women."