Two vultures are chilling at the edge of the Grand Canyon.

"Eh, what a terribly boring day," says one.

"Indeed."

"Let's get fucked up."

They did. First vulture says, "Ey, man, let's relax."

"Indeed."

So they leap down into the Canyon, dive right down to the river and then stretch their wings, and soar into the sky, relaxed.

Next day, it's scorching hot. The vultures sit at the edge of the Canyon.

"Boring day, isn't it?" one says. "Let's get fucked up and relax."

"Indeed."

They got drunk, got high and leapt from the edge, dove right down to the river and stretched their wings, soaring up into the sky, relaxed.

Third day, a coyote found its way to the vultures' spot.

"Hi, guys," the coyote says.

"Hey, coyote, it's a boring day, do you wanna get fucked up and relax with us?"

"Sure."

So all three of them get drunk, get high and leap off the edge, dive down to the river, the vultures stretch out their wings and soar up into the sky, relaxed. They notice the coyote is soaring up with them.

"Hey, coyote, you're up here with us!"

"Yeah, I seem to be!"

"But you don't have wings!"

The coyote looks over both shoulders. "No, I don't!"

Astonished, the vulture says, "Damn, coyote, you know how to fucking relax."

 

A farmer goes into town to purchase a young cock for his farm.

He finds a pet shop selling roosters and asks around for the youngest, most fit cock they have available to service his hens. In no time at all the salesrep directs him to a magnificent specimen, a real champ in the making, lean, strong, and quick as a switch to do his deed and be on to the next one.


Thinking the asking price is fair for such a fine rooster, the farmer buys him and when they get home he shoos the rooster toward the hen house and watches in amazement as the new cock takes straight to his task, servicing one, two, three, four hens in as many minutes. Within fifteen he's still going strong, and the farmer calls out, "You better slow down there boy, you're going to die if you keep up that pace!"


The rooster keeps going with no mind to the farmer and the man decides to get on with the rest of his own duties for the day, assuming sooner or late the newcomer will tire out.


To his amazement he finds the cock mounting the cows in the field some time later, and then the horses in the barn, and by mid afternoon the pigs in the sty!


"He's insatiable," the farmer says, wondering exactly how long this will go on. By nightfall the rooster's filled every animal on the farm and seems to show no sign of slowing down as the moon rises.


The next day when the farmer awakens and goes to check on things, he finds the rooster laying dead in the middle of the yard with the telltale shadow of vultures circling about overhead. He can't help but admire the cock's tenacity and stamina and walks out to its corpse, squatting down to pat it on the back. "I warned you," he says with a sigh.


The rooster's head leans up and responds, "Ssh, you'll scare away the vultures."

 

A Trip to China

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc.”

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!”

“Oh, Thank God!,” the man replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “you no worry! Wait two weeks... it fall off by itself!”

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Was anyone ever curious about Vernon Dursley's Japanese golfer "joke"? Well here ya go.

An American goes to Japan to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a hooker in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.

The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!

Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?

 

Mark and his wife were working in their garden one day when Mark looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's booty.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Mark is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this Big-Ass grill for one little weenie?"

 

Why did Oedipus refuse to use profanity?


He kisses his mother with that mouth.

 

"What do you mean I'm going to lose my job just because Donald Trump won the election. Is this a race thing? It totally is. This is because I'm black!"

Spoiler

"We've been over this, Mr. President."

 

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

Spoiler

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

 

Found this gem on Imgur:

Fact: every single female inmate that was executed on death row was menstruating on the day of her execution.

Why?

You have to end every sentence with a period.

 

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher.

"I played in the sand box with Sally!"

"That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward.

"Sally, what did you do during recess?"

"I played in the sand box with Jimmy!"

"Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie.

"Jamal, what did you do during recess?"

"I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me."

"Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"

 

Physics old joke: what's the noise made by a photon colliding with an atomic orbital?

Spoiler

Plannnnck!

 

What's the difference between an Aboriginal and a speedbump?

A speedbump has a job.

 

What is written on the last page of a Tesla owners manual?

Bus and train timetables.

 

What do you call Mexican Basketball?

Spoiler

Juan on Juan

What's the difference between the Miami Dolphins and a dollar?

Spoiler

A dollar lasts four quarters

Anakin Skywalker gets hotter with each new prequel.

 

A conversation between a father and his son on the phone.

Son: "Dad, what's between mom's legs?"

Dad: "Paradise."

Son: "What's between your legs?"

Dad: "The key to paradise."

Son: "Piece of advice dad: change the key. The neighbour has a copy."

 

No new jokes DLP? For shame.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

Two cats are running through a desert. They stop and one says, "I don't get this litter box".

 

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

 

"Why is your hand bandaged?"

"I fed the woodpecker."

 

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on the side?

Spoiler

So they can Scandinavian.

 

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favorite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.

Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.

Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.

But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.

Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."

Curious, Attila did as he asked.

Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.

"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.

Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.

To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,

Spoiler

"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."