After an article on redneck zombie movies (most involving animal zombies) was this single response:

 

I was arrested for jacking off in a library.

They asked me to come quietly.

 

What do you call a fear of giants?

Spoiler

FeFiphobia

 

How do you get a Tusken to torture someone?

Spoiler

Beat Shmi.

 

What do you call a blind deer?

Spoiler

No Idea

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Spoiler

Still no idea

What do you call a blind deer, with no legs and no penis?

Spoiler

Still no fucking idea!

 

Let’s stop with the communist jokes. They really aren’t funny...

Spoiler

...unless EVERYONE gets them.

 

This whole thread is gold. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/9m1q7j/what_is_a_clean_joke_that_always_gets_a_laugh/

Some that made me lol hard:

 

What is Santa's favourite kind of potato?


Dau-ho-ho-ho-phinoise.

 

That seems like a joke that requires a very specific, potato-based, set of knowledge to understand.

 

It's knowledge that can only improve your culinary life! https://www.bbc.com/food/recipes/dauphinoisepotatoes_90205 (other recipes are available)

 

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

 

A young boy goes to stay with his grandparents for a long summer. On one of the first days there he sees his grandfather sitting in his favorite recliner, with a cigar, and two fingers of whiskey.

"Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?"

"Well, can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No grandpa," the boy says

"Ah, well guess not then,"

"Can I sit in your chair then?"

"Hm, can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No grandpa"

"Suppose not then"

"Can I have sip of your whiskey then?"

"Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No grandpa," the boy says sadly

Later that day the boy is going to town on plate of brownies his grandma made him

"Oh what'cha get their boy" grandpa says while snaking a hand over to the brownie

"Get outta here grandpa, these are my brownies," the boy says slapping his hand away.

"Can I have some then?" The grandfather replies amused

The boy thinks for a moment.

"Well grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"

"Yes, yes it can"

"Well you can go fuck yourself then, these are my goddamn brownies"

 

Two young brothers decide it's time they start cussing. So one night the older makes a plan, "Tomorrow at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck." The younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The older brother says, "I'd like some damn cheerios!"

The mother slaps him so hard he's knocked out of his seat. She turns to the younger and says, "And what about you?"

He says, "Well I'm sure as fuck not asking for cheerios."

 

Imagine if the US switched from using pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

 

A Brit, a Mexican, and an American are on a cruise ship.

The Brit pulls out a box of tea bags, places one in his mug, and tosses the rest overboard. “In my country, tea is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The Mexican pulls out a bottle of tequila, takes one shot, and throws the rest overboard. “In my country, tequila is so plentiful I never have to conserve it.”

The American, not to be outdone, grabs the Mexican and throws him overboard. The Brit, taken aback, shouts “Why the fuck would you do that?!?”

The American replies, “That guy fucked my wife.”

 

I vote we throw the Brit overboard for wasting good tea. There is no excuse.

 

America is best at throwing tea into the ocean.

 

Well it makes sense, they certainly don't know how to do anything else with it properly.

 

Yo momma so fat, poor, and stupid that when the doctor told her she had cardiac arrest she tried to pay her bail in food stamps.