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The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'The Humor Mill' started by Xiph0, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. DarthBill

    DarthBill The Chosen One

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    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground Beef
    What do you call a cow with three legs?
    Lean Beef
    What do you call a cow with two legs?
    Your Mom
     
  2. Otters

    Otters Squib ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Oz my nigga you are slim and beautiful. I assume it's generic and yo momma be milfin'. HMU with her digits.
     
  3. DarthBill

    DarthBill The Chosen One

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    *genetic
     
  4. Otters

    Otters Squib ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Look here man, this is a creative writing forum where we pride ourselves on technical proficiency, constructive feedback, and a willingness to grow as craftsmen by listening to our readers.

    With all that in mind, I consider your correcting of my typo a personal insult and challenge you to a duel. Meet me in the Trophy Room after curfew. Gregory Goyle will be my second.

    GOOD DAY, SIR.
     
  5. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign ~ Prestige ~

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    Things that never get old:

    antivaxx jokes

    unvaccinated kids
     
  6. Zenzao

    Zenzao 500 Club King –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

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    There was an old man who lived by a forest.

    As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

    He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

    "What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

    So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
     
  7. pbluekan

    pbluekan Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Why are New Yorkers the fastest readers?
    They go through 100 stories in ten seconds flat.
     
  8. Silirt

    Silirt Order Member DLP Supporter

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    Okay, I'll bite. What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?
    You can't milk a cow for 18 years.
     
  9. Arthellion

    Arthellion Lord of the Banned ~ Prestige ~

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    Yes you can.

    Cow's regularly live to be 18-22 years of age.
     
  10. Silirt

    Silirt Order Member DLP Supporter

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    They live that long, but they can't just be hooked up to the milkers from birth to death. They only lactate for a ten month period after they're pregnant, and the most lactations you can theoretically get out of a single animal is ten, meaning you can draw milk for a total of 8.33 years. Because of the complications arising from a high quantity of pregnancies, births, and lactations, the average cow only has three lactations from three pregnancies, and then they're shipped to the beef market around age 6. Longevity is also strongly correlated with the amount the animal is being milked; if you milk it more it's going to die sooner.
     
  11. Zerg_Lurker

    Zerg_Lurker Death Eater DLP Supporter

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    Two priests are driving down a road when they're stopped by the police. The driver asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

    The officer replies, "We're looking for a couple of child molesters."

    The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the officer.

    "We'll do it."
     
  12. Zenzao

    Zenzao 500 Club King –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

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    A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"

    "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

    Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish."

    Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

    "Look at this huge fucker," says the priest, spotting the bishop.

    "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop.

    "No, no that's what this fish is called," says the priest.

    "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin. "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner."

    So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.

    "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

    "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

    "No, sister that's what the fish is called - a fucker," says the bishop.

    Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

    The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

    "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.

    "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.

    "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

    The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says: "You know what? You cunts are alright."
     
  13. Agent

    Agent Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    What is four letters, sometimes nine letters, never five letters and always six letters:

    These are just facts
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2019
  14. Zenzao

    Zenzao 500 Club King –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

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    Heard this one before, so I picked up on it at once, but it has to have been phrased differently because how does 'sometimes' fit the theme?
     
  15. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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  16. Agent

    Agent Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    Not sure if on purpose...

    But yeah, Oz is right. Edited to be correct now.
     
  17. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    And for the record that's not a joke it's a riddle.
     
  18. cucio

    cucio Fourth Year

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    And you know that Riddles in HP fanfic forums rarely turn out well.
     
  19. Arthellion

    Arthellion Lord of the Banned ~ Prestige ~

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    That was...Marvelo-us.
     
  20. Otters

    Otters Squib ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    What does a paedophile vampire do to relax?

    Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
     
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