God awful. 1st person seems gimmicky and the various errors make a "meh" start. If you were going through, trying to find something to put on alert, the first chapter would definitely make you pass over it. Just doesn't stand out.

It's the sort of thing where you check the first sentence and paragraph, see it's not exactly thrilling, then start scanning for the good parts that don't involve bullshit filler anyone could pick up on. Only there aren't any good parts that say "Ok, it'll be worthwhile". It's a lot of filler. That would be ok but the premise isn't all that interesting - it's not uncommon since people prefer a Harry that's 100% Harry and a story that doesn't deviate from that, especially here - and so you're left wondering why you're reading this, check the bullshit thread that started it and plow through the story with reluctance to only feel even worse when you reach the break, that you wasted time feeding someone's arrogance.

I don't think I'm too enthused (obviously) but even Bungle in the Jungle's first couple of chapters seemed engaging enough to experience the trainwreck that was the later chapters.

 

Wow, group psychology's really kicking in here. Several prominent posters did nothing for several days but complain about jbern's fanboys infesting the DLP.

The result?

All of a sudden, the entire DLP has transformed into a pack of meticulous nitpickers, dissecting each and every sentence of Jbern's new fic to pieces, hoping they'll find something to rag about. Every little grammar error is brought out, kicking and screaming, before the angry crowd of "true" DLP-ers, to be sacrificed in celebration of their own independence from the mainstream audience. Even though only 5-6K's of the story has been posted, everyone seem to be an expert on where the plot is heading - and wherever it is, you are definitely NOT liking it (just in case).

"No sir, I'm a good DLP-er, I 'ev not'n ta do wif them jbern bootlickin noobs! No sirro!"

How about waiting for a few more K's before giving the mark? Look at the TFTCD; If you made the decision based on its first chapter, it would have ended up in Trash Bin.

As for my opinion about this fic? Well, from the first time I've seen this plot bunny, I've been firmly for dragging it behind the shed and hacking its fluffy little head off. I can't elaborate at this point because of the spoilers, but let's just say Jim has been informed about my misgivings.

That aside, I actually loved first chapter. 1st person POV is ideal for the story like this, where there's a mental change happening with the main character. Some good humor and atmosphere once again elevates Jbern's work above almost anything else in the fandom. Once the subplots kick in, the "lack of plot" (say you) or "weak basic idea" (says me) will matter even less.

But I'm not marking this until I see more. So far, I'd say roughly 4.

 

It has potential just now. An interesting start, but there are a fair few technical innaccuracies, so do forgive me if I must say that I feel a bit of trepidation about how you are going to continue it. However, I think it could turn out well if you sharpen up slightly, and get a good beta for it.

 

Ignoring your rant and focusing on the wait to see if it gets better theory, let me quote a friend of mine who abandoned a book I loved in the first chapter:

"If it cant catch my attention off the bat, odds are it wont ever catch it."

 

Boring and not interesting. I read the first few paragraphs, then skimmed the rest because I couldn't pay attention. Nothing to capture me.

2/5.

 

ip82, I'm going to say this once and only once.

STOP THE FUCKING FLAMEBAITING.

It's getting old, real old. This is a review thread for a story and an author's skill involving it, not a referendum on how DLP is acting or how the fuck it's shaping up. Get off the fucking trip, post-haste because you see people who disagree with each other - Rob, Vash, myself, various others - all saying the same damn thing.

Again: Shut the fuck up.

 

Wow, everyone's being picky.

I liked it. Knowing that it was un-beta-ed, I expected errors. I prefer cocky!Harry over the regular kind, so this seems to be headed my way.

But I like AU rewrite type stories. As long as they aren't just "Harry started banging Ginny when he was eleven instead of sixteen."

 

So long as the words "HPDM" "Mpreg" or "Snape" arent in the summary I give fics a three chapter shot. I don't care if thats 300 words from a fangirl or 30,000 from Louis XII (or whoever that was that wrote Mastermind Hunting), you've got three chapters to grab me by the balls.

I'll be honest, the first time through it didn't do much for me, the plot so far seems lacking but then again we're looking at one day. The second time through I focused less on plot than the technical details. The lack of a beta shows. You haven't grabbed me yet but I'm still looking forward to an update/ For fairness sake I'll read both stories all the way through whether they "grab me" or not so I can at least make an informed vote (though maybe not impartial, never got into BtI like I did Bungle or TFtCD).

 

Its a good enough start. I can't judge this fic on the basis of the small bit that has been posted. Most of jbern's fics are more intriguing even at the beginning but I'll wait and see. Personally I don't like the first person POV but I tend to not like first person in general.

 

Being the first chap it is the kind of story i would throw on the alert list then read just to see what happens. Still to early to say anything concrete just going to wait and see how it goes.

 

I have a question Jim. Is this your Harry/Fleur fic?


Other than that this is my review. Yes no beta is obvious. Idea is good and I personally like the first chapter. The 1st person is kinda lacking but not overly bad. Ill reserve judgement till after a few more chapters. Its not TFtCD and definitely no Bungle but its good.

 

I like the first line "It all started...", you have a hook at the very first couple of words. A reader who views your story without having any idea of what is happening would be very interested in what "it" is. That you give hints of what it is throughout and end speaking of it without stating what exactly it is will keep the new reader for at least another chapter.

The first person perspective is good during the narrative, it makes your story feel different from many fics I have read, which is a basic requirement for me.

However, once you get into the dialog it gets very confusing. You have someone who speaks in the present, then you have Harry make a comment as if it happened a long time ago and then have someone else speak in the present. You do that several times in a row and sometimes have the switch occur in the same paragraph. Each time it happens it interrupts the flow of the story. You either need to cut down on how many times you switch between the tenses or better.

Another thing is that you have sentences ending with question marks that are not phrased like questions, for example.

That is a statement, not a question. A question would be like, He isn't going to end up as a queer? You do this a couple of times.

Finally:

Huh?

Overall a good but rough start.

 

I like it so far. I think this sort of plot takes a little more setup than the other two jbern fics (attack! vs. escape! vs. gradual integration of personalities!), which is why it seems a little slow. I don't think this fic is developing appreciably slower than Amerision's Voldie/Harry merger, especially if we go by word count rather than chapter count. I'm not quite sure where this is going, as the plot doesn't have the inherent tension of Voldie/Harry conflict, but if I knew where the story was going it wouldn't be very interesting...

Re: the non-beta'd nature of the fic, it didn't strike me as particularly alarming. If I go back over it in a proofreading mindset I'll spot the errors, but when in "reading for pleasure" mode nothing was bad enough to jar me out of the flow of reading. Maybe it's just that I'm weird, but after a few years of reading fanfic I've developed the ability to subconsciously edit in proper punctuation on the fly, and nothing in this fic really taxed that ability.

The only way I could see this fic getting less than a 4 is if it is graded solely in comparison to Bungle and TFtCD.

 

I'm not overly critical of most fics that I do read. I do say this happens to be a fairly good one.

Keep up the good work. I give it a 3.5 pending. As for the very critical writers Ill leave that to them its their bag. They do the writing I do the reading.

 

And could someone direct me to this contest please?
I believed the others were Vash, who was easy enough to find, and BioPlague, who i can't find outside these boards. I guess i just go to the wrong sites, but a link on the personal page would sort of make it easier.
Even if this barely started fic rated 1/5 it would win on Walk-Over in my book at the moment.

g

 

Not bad. You've got me sort of interested in where this is going, which is good. Since it's the first chapter, and there isn't even a 3k word count, I didn't expect much in the way of plot development. I agree that the basic premise is a bit weak, but I fully expect you to turn it around. Since I am still looking forward to the next chapter, the first bit has done what its supposed to do. I'm a fan of Bungle which has an absolutely ridiculous (to me, anyway) bit of Manipulative!Everyone at the beginning but quickly gets over that becomes a great story. I look forward to this one doing the same.

I'm pretty much ignoring the minor mistakes like misspellings, mixed tenses, and such, because I know how hard it is to catch all of that yourself if you're used to relying on a beta, and they aren't really obvious enough to distract from the story. I managed to completely miss all of them on my first pass through the story, because I was concentrating on the meat of the chapter, not how pretty it was arranged on the plate. The first person perspective isn't as annoying to me as to some, mostly because if I can read Belgarath the Sorcerer, then first person becomes much, much easier to put up with after that.

 

I'm with Caitiff on his '3-chapter' system.

As for the fic itself, I like the experimentation with perspective, although this seems to have fallen into the traditional 1st person ruts.

Comparatively speaking it is still better then 98% of the 1st person stuff in the fandom, although that remark could be construed as damnation by faint praise.

I'll give it some more time before I go into the 'plot device' vs. 'plot' vein. There are 2,700 words so far, that's 1/4th of a normal chapter for jbern's fics.

 

Bio isnt taking part in this, and Mine isnt posted yet.

and on that note....

Spoiler

[09:12] Vashtehunholy: forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=4981 <-- Jbern's entry to the contest.
[09:12] Vashtehunholy: he is doing first person.
[09:12] Dr Souleater: ...again?
[09:13] Dr Souleater: oh that, lawl. i read it.
[09:13] Vashtehunholy: call me an egotistic ass if you like, but I bet he is just doing it to show me up...
[09:13] Dr Souleater: and didnt like it immediately.
[09:13] Vashtehunholy: he hasnt done Firsrt person before that I know of...
[09:13] Dr Souleater: lolharry=james... harry/fleur too. meh.
[09:13] Vashtehunholy: has he?
[09:13] Dr Souleater: nah, i read this earlier, thought he was doing something else too
[09:13] Vashtehunholy: ahh
[09:14] Dr Souleater: really, this isnt even an innovative idea, god knows i saw harry = james stories back at PoA release days

 

Drunken Memories. by ----

After a wild night of drunken partying, Harry finds himself pregnant. Not knowing who the father is, he turns to Snape for abortion. But Snape has always had an eye on the young Potter male, and drugs Harry during the operation. This, is Harry's story.




Anyways,
@Vash

This is fanfic. While for professional work that is a good code to follow, it should be relaxed a bit for the fanfics. A lot of writers, even good ones, start finding footing after a couple of chapters.

Though, yes, from a seasoned writer as Jbern, a dull opener isn't expected.

 

Sorry Vash. The plot bunny was originally posted October 13th on my discussion group and the first chapter's rough draft was crafted on January 5th. I wanted to write a first person story and my current group of bunnies consisted of a humor fic of Luna Lovegood ending up with Tom Riddles diary, this and a HP/Battlestar Galactica Crossover. Since other than a few one liners and dry humor, I'm not sure how good a humor story is and the BSG crossover would be too much BSG after the first chapter, neither seemed appropriate, so I went with this one.

So, no I'm not doing this for any of the reasons you mention in the spoiler. It was the best partially developed bunny I had at my disposal.

There is some irony in the fact that if you write a straight up story, that mine will contain the references (rather vague though) to quasi-incest as our hero remembers some of the interaction with Lily Potter.

Jim