Hmm, the first chapter is slightly choppy and I cringe at times over some of the characterizations, but like Nonjon said - it's way too early to tell.

3/5

 

Maybe you should make a list of funny alternatives to my name because frankly that was quite funny. i din't even notice it till i re-read your post.:banana:
As for the contest thank god, though i can't really see this as a epic fic because i would think him being James and them fusing is going to get old somewhere down the road and then it's just not fun anymore. Everything in moderation. Oh and about Fleur, what about her? Did i miss something, does it matter how she will be portrayed? I feal left out!

Sorry about the whole Hiatus thing it's just that i have been subjected to Murphey's Lawhttp://userpage.chemie.fu-berlin.de/diverse/murphy/murphy_e.html(look at the fist one) And at the end of the page is a link to other people that have added on to the laws and made their own, it's quite interesting.

 

Sounds interesting enough for me to continue reading. It's too early to say whether the plot is consistent or not, or whether it's coherent or not. We'll see. I quite like the premise.

Quite honestly though, the first person wasn't convincing at all. It was uninteresting and quite dry. Writing in Harry's point of view doesn't mean you should write the entries in his diary; it's not supposed to sound like a 13-years-old's inner monologue. On the other hand, the fact that it is a first-person PoV suggests that you focus a little more on what Harry feels and what impact events have on him. You're hovering between both extremes--at times having him speak in "diary-entries", at others giving dry description.

As for the grammar issue--a simple rereading, or several, would have gotten rid of most mistakes. I don't think I make as many tense mistakes, even without a Beta, so if I can do that, you can definitely give a relatively clean chapter without anyone's help.

And for the record, I'm aware I sound arrogant. I just couldn't find another way of saying that putting effort into a chapter also means rereading it and hunting down mistakes until you're (general 'you', I'm far from only talking about jbern here) utterly fed up with said chapter.

Too early for a rating.

 

Chapter 2 is posted

For your reading entertainment chapter 2 is now ready for your consideration.

Jim

 

I love authors who can pull such sentences ...And I want a baby from you, Jbern!

 

Its like Iraq meet Bastogne in this 'here' place of reviews, bullets and mortars up in the air, all over one chapter, make it two now, that I really liked.

Personally, I'm into fanfics for the entertainment value, and jberns latest s' got me pretty excited. I've never been part of a passionate community like this before, so thats entertaining as well.

Just to take a shot; I reckon if you go into a fic without the intention of dissecting and killing it before read it, you just might be entertained regardless of any... (someone else fill that up)

keep em coming Jbern, nice work.

 

Err thanks for the comment there Jay, but I think the wife would object. Actually, I'm fairly certain she would.

So far the biggest error that's been pointed out to me is when Fawkes pops in and drops the hat. It should land on MY plate rather than YOUR plate. I slipped into 2nd person for a second there. A few reviewers have said that the Hat was a bit too much, but generally it seems to be well received.

Jim

 

Just an example of the stuff that's cringe-inducing in this chapter. And the hat acting like that seems like you're once again OOC both as the hat and as an author.

 

While the quote above wasn't the least bit cringe worthy, for it seemed Harry was mocking the elf more than anything, I do believe that the Hat is way OOC. His language and talk did make me cringe, and seems way out of place in a non-parody story.

 

IMO the Hat's character is the best part of the story so far. I don't see why is its 'behind the scenes' characterization worse then manipulative!Dumbledore or dark!Harry who's been hiding his abilities or any other conspiracy theory ever used in HP fanfiction.

I also liked the part where Harry realized he has James Potter's memories stuffed in his head. His reaction was well written and realistic enough, without turning him into a brooding pussy.

On the downside, somewhat choppy writing and bad paragraph structure made this chapter a bit hard to read. Several times we've seen Harry speaking/thinking in one long paragraph and then other characters reacting to his speech in an equally long paragraph. These parts really need to be cut and mixed together - it would definitely improve the story's dynamics.

Also, convo with Dumbledore was a bit... off. I don't quite get what's this Dumbledore's agenda towards Harry. In my opinion, Harry's insistence to take the hat should have made someone with his experience extremely suspicious (even if he was pissing in his pants 'till he was nine ).

Anyway, this story still isn't on the level of jbern's other fics, but it's slowly getting there.

 

i liked the hat, but then in some ways i like anything which bashes dumbledore

The 2nd chapter is much cleaner than the first, and the plot is starting to develop. The hat might seem a bit OOC but really how much interaction with the Hat do we have in the books? In some ways every single Daphne Greengrass fic is OOC since we do not really have a character available in canon.

If the Hat with his personality will play a future role in the fic i think it will be okay, if this is his only chapter than it is slightly befuddling.

 

To bad the best of competition is over b/c the sorting hat could definetly win some category, although i don't know which one it would've been...

 

Why the Sorting Hat fails:


It's definitely OOC because the hat has in fact spoke privately before. I think some people just forget canon because it's bad but I wouldn't generally hold it against anyone for going OOC so long as it was within some limits. But a cursing hat? Most stories don't even venture into the realm of hard cursing, even with the M-Rating. Because it's largely silly. It may be somewhat realistic, somewhere but in fanfiction, I think it's become too much of the standard that cursing should be done in moderation and when relevant.

Congrats to jbern if he breaks the standard and succeeds but I doubt it'll happen without a more tangible reason for the change and it seems like he's definitely out of character as an author at the moment. Maybe it'll be good, who knows? Or it may be a learning experience. At the moment, graded as it is, it's just odd.

 

Good stuff. Like the "ass spackle" line.

Hmmm. Interesting. I don't know if breezing through the whole summer in a chapter is a good idea. Maybe 2?

Anway, I liked it. Somewhat busy now, but I look forward to more.

Bio, when's your story going up? I look forward to reading it...

Edit: Agree with Raven. Dumbledore scene handled pretty poorly. NOT terrible, but not good. Needs better rationale...

 

Mm, maybe tomorrow.

 

I think i speak for a lot of people Bio when i say that i really, really look forward to it.

 

And I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I really, really wish you would run in traffic.

 

Oh Bio you have nothing better than that? Honestly i was hoping for something creative...
But seriously, is this mythical story your writing ever going to appear?

 

No, of course not.