It's still a good story. Much better than your Star Wars crossover. Shows you're getting better as a writer.

Good luck continuing this.

Jim

 

I've written four stories, not two.

 

I know. I haven't read the other two. I can only comment on what I've seen. I'll give them a try sometime and let you know what I think, but this one is good. I'll be particularly interested to see how you transition from politics to action when Voldemort does return.

Jim

 

Very decent, although I'm still holding out for an update to your SW fic. Excluding Dynasty, definitely my favorite (although I've read a total of something seven Star Wars stories, so, eh. Regardless, it's great.)

 

It is good. Interested to see where you go with this bio.

 

Updated. Not particularly fond of it. Been told I've been too descriptive as well. Oh well. I've added some things and tweaked what's there and split the chapter and loaded most of the interesting events into Chapter III.

Chapter II

 

Very good chapter on portraying Potter's Slytherin personality there. I really liked it.

Richard.

 

There'll be a lot more in Chapter III concerning his personality and what will be his struggle in the story. I'm afraid his own magic won't come into play - rather it shall be alluded to - until Voldemort steps into the picture.

 

I like it and I don't mind the descriptions. I like being able to visualize scenes, people, and places.

 

My Hitler senses are tingling.

 

Political Harry is one of the plots which can go horribly wrong or boring if not careful. Also I am not much of a fan of post-Hogwarts type stories, but this one shows some promise. It does get boring sometimes with shit-loads of description, but Harry's Slytherin side and the fact that he completely tossed out Dumbles is a plus. Second chapter was unnecessarily stretched out with useless facts, but I wait for more.

3/5

 

And when a political story that isn't horribly bad or boring pops up in the For Review subforum, it is inevitably held to high standards, giving the author nervous problems and causing long delays during which they constantly improve the chapter before they feel confident in posting it.

Just joking of course. I liked the second chapter. The only fic where I felt that over-descriptiveness even began to resemble a problem was The Refiner's Fire.

 

Mm, that was largely my problem, actually.

I did rewrite it quite a few times but thats due to the fact that predominant dialogue and politics requires a different approach. I can see all the feints, fights and showdowns of magic in the distance but for now, I have to get most of the AU out of the way.

 

I don't mind the description's one bit, the characterization's of Mulciber, Fudge, and Cedric are very interesting. It's not very often we see Cedric as one of Harry's best friends.

 

Reads a bit strange. I think "That the mirror remarked..." would be smoother.

Very telling statement.

Felt the Fenrir Greyback death was rushed and rather... awkwardly done. But it's okay I guess, since you just wanted to get him out of your system.

The writing style approaches regal, which is a very interesting way to do this. I think that you should extrapolate a bit on Fudge's char. because unlike the others, he seems very 2-D at the moment.

5/5 and if this continues, unlikely to go lower.

 

Had a high rating so I decided to read this. Good story.

It feels like the protagonist is very undefined as the story is jumping around a lot. Normally jumping around works well in books or movies, but like this its a lot tougher simply because fanfic (like TV episodes or a comic book issues) are episodic.

Makes it a lot tougher to gain context.

That's all I can legitimately say at the moment as Bio hasn't really kicked off the story yet (only set up what I assume is the Inciting Event with Fenrir).

Excited to see him continue as the story has promise, but that's it at the moment. So...

Otherwise good stuff....Not enough really here for a proper review though.

4.6/5