Harry having the "raven hair" gives Cxjenious a bunch of possibilities on how to deal with Joff being a bastard and etc.

Instead of us trying to predict and coax the story being written in one which ever way, let's just allow Cxjenious to surprise us (not directed at you Cheddar).

 

I was going to make a serious argument until I realised I've already made my points as well as I can.

I'll just say that if every Baratheon has blue eyes and dark hair Jon Arryn had better get a new pair of glasses because it took him twelve fucking years to spot Joffreys blonde mop.

I'm outta here

 

It's not common knowledge. He discovered that particular truth in a book, after the Stannis brought the matter to him.

 

That makes me wander what Stannis and Renly will end up doing when Robert dies. Support Harry?

 

Stannis? I doubt it. Renly? Maaaaaaaybe.

 

This is setting up for some awesome wish fulfillment of everyone against Joffrey. And then Voldemort. Pwease? Pretty please?

 

No. Just... no.

 

That was sarcasm. I know that fanfiction is serious business.

 

Good then. Fanfiction is indeed serious business.

 

For me, I think there is real potential for going outside of canon at that time period. Authors try to force things to go a certain way in AUs, and with this situation, it wouldn't need to be forced or seem contrived. It'd go quite naturally I think. But you said once that you didn't want to re-invent the wheel or something similar. I can't be bothered to look back. I'm still loving the story, I think you have something real special here.

I enjoy reading the interaction between Aeryn and Harry. I wasn't too sure at first about her, but she's grown on me. I would have thought Harry would have tried to look into who found out about her in the first place. I would have been pissed, not only at the guys who did the deed, but also the person who told.

Is it just me, or is she trying to plant seeds in peoples heads about what she means to Harry?

"We've slept in the same bed, you know," she continued, louder. "Some mornings I even thought you might've slipped your dagger beneath the covers - "

Or was that just to try and embarrass Harry? Both? I might just be reading too much into it. I do that sometimes.

Also, I think you go into a bit too much detail describing Castlerly Rock and all that's in it. I got a little bored reading it which bothers me a bit because I like this story so much. It just seemed a bit too much for a place we wont see that often.

 

It's just you.

You can always skip over it.

 

*tinfoil hat time*

No one ever discovers Joffreys true heritage/lack of Baratheon blood. The reason the relm decends into war is because Robert names Harry his heir instead of Joff, bypassing "his" firstborn son and pissing off a lot of noble houses.

Or maybe Stannis and Renly decide to declare themselves kings because they discover Joff's parentage and wrongly deduce that none of Roberts children are legitimate.

Or a bit of both.

*removes hat*

 

You should burn your tinfoil hat and get a new one. Maybe aluminium?

 

Maybe Dothraki gold.

 

I'm wondering what song Myrielle was humming. Rains of Castamere, The Black Prince's Maiden, The Bear and the Maiden, or one of the other folk songs maybe.

 

You'll find out. I was going to add that bit into the last scene, but I decided to split it up and add the last scene elsewhere, so...

 

Every time I've read this fic the knights have been faceless mooks. I recognise some names cropping up more than others, but if they're not Ser Barristan, Thoros, or the like, then they have no strong image in my mind. You could swap knights around and I'd never notice because they're seemingly interchangeable. This time I'm re-reading the fic while paying very close attention to the knights and other minor characters. I'm writing this as I'm part way through chapter five, so this doesn't really cover the new knights from chapters six and seven except in a general sense.

I think I've been missing two things with the knights. One, each knight needs a distinct image in the mind of the reader. Both personality and physical image. Each of your knights does have their own personality and image, but it needs to be reinforced more.

In scenes with Ser Lyle, I need to hear more about how big he is in every scene he's in. Is he grabbing a knife? Then I want to hear that it looked like a toothpick in his hand. Is he grabbing someone by the neck? I want to hear about his big meaty hand and how he dwarfs the other knights. You already do that a bit, but it needs to be carried further. Specifically regarding Ser Lyle, some of the descriptions of how big and strong he is are reduced in effectiveness because compared to a nine year old boy, every knight is big and strong.

Wenfryd, the archer knight, doesn't get as many chances to demonstrate his distinctness, but threatening to stab Allar Deem with an arrow was a good touch. He could've shown interest in Harry ordering a dragonbone bow; some manly appreciation over a good killing weapon. Overall, I need to see the name Wenfryd tied to archery more often to give him form in my mind.

Lyle, Wenfryd, and Brenden, have the shared experience of witnessing Aeryn's rape and Harry's reaction, but if you'd asked me before now which knights were present in the Dragon's Pit I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

Secondly, each knight has a different position in the hierarchy of Westeros and that provides a dynamic to their relationships which is easy for the reader to overlook. For example, Lyle and Wenfryd are both Westerlands knights, in the employ of Tywin. They have some disdain for Gold Cloaks like Brenden. It's mentioned in your fic, but I don't think it's enough. Maybe we should see Lyle's hulking form and Wenfryd with his bow just behind and in guard of the elderly and round-shouldered Ser Kevan. And then witness Ser Kevan give the order that they're to guard Harry. I'm not suggesting that you actually write it out like that, I'm just trying to describe a possible method that would solidify Wenfryd and Lyle's position in the scheme of things in my mind.

Brenden is a Gold Cloak, but he's not often shown doing or saying much that ties him to that faction - a city guard. He's just some knight who is guarding Harry. It's mentioned that Harry has a retinue of ten Gold Cloaks which Brenden leads... but it never, I don't know, is important? Is grounded? Maybe seeing him use his sanctioned authority, or dealing with a minor leadership issue amongst his men would help. I think that back when Brenden was a Gold Cloak guarding the entry to the Red Keep in chapter one, that we should've seen some personal interation or anecdote between Harry and Brenden [or another strong identifier] to give him form in our minds, so that we notice he's been promoted to Harry's bodyguard in chapter four and can remember that we've seen him before by linking back to that personal moment in chapter one.

 

I like reviews like this. I'm going to take it all into consideration, and most likely go back and add more things to the previous chapters.

It's stuff like that that escapes me, because of my perspective. All these people live in my head - it's easy for me to identify with them.