Thanks - a realistic Harry fic was what I was trying to write. Harry is pitted against very experienced and very powerful opponents, so he is feeling what it is like to actually face up to them.

He is learning, but it will take time and he will suffer some blows in the meantime.

Thanks for the encouragement.
With regards,
Maidros

 

This was updated today. My only question is while reconciling, why didn't the incident at St. Mungo's come up, Moody's treatment of Harry's visitors and Harry's supposed desire to not see them. Is it being pawned off due to his paranoia or is it to be addressed later?

 

The point will be addressed later. There is the Emmeline Vance business to be addressed as well. Both of them will come together in the next chapter. along with some of Draco's antics.

Thanks for the review.
Regards,
Maidros

 

Hum I could go on about the tiring rants that some wish to on this story. But I won't, its the Author's story not mine and the fact that I'm even commenting on it means that it warrants my attention.

First, I would like to say that I think that having a chapter synopsis is pretty much pointless...not that I don't read them and not that they are not well written because they are. I think them unnecessary as the chapter should be able to stand for itself and any and all author's notes and/or footnotes should be placed at the end of the chapter. In my opinion.

Second, I would also like to say that I find the pointing out of a scene break and the "Chapter beginning"/"Chapter End" notes are also not necessary. While I'm sure that most of the Morons who do read HP fanfiction probably need that the Author is also a DLP member and should aspire to have a more intellectually inclined audence. I'm sure that nearly everyone here and a majority of experienced fanfic readers who aren't complete dumbasses and/or dipshits realize that the body of a chapter usually follows the obligtory disclaimer.

Now that I have my technical criticisms out of the way, I would like to proceed by saying that this story took me by suprize. When I learned that the pairing would be HP/MB I thought to myself "Man that sounds almost as gross as Dumbledore/HP slash." Thankfully this author has pulled it off without disgusting me and provided that HP and MB don't get too mushy (I hate sappy dime store romance novel like stories...if I wanted to read a boddice ripper I'd raid my granmother's "library" for "literature") I'll be a huge fan of this work and possibly sequils if the work stays top notch.

It seems that there has been issue taken with Millicent's blood status. First let me just say that I have notes and highlighted first edition coppies of all of the Seven "Absolute" Canon books. I found no where in those books her blood status mentioned. In fact with the notable exception of Gryffindors of Harry's Year (and their realitves), Members of the Order of the Phoenix and the DA and Any and all Arch-Enemies of the Dumbledore-Potter faction in the canon blood status for the vast majority of flat characters does not come into play at all.

That said I fail to see the big deal about her (MB) being called a half-blood, although in my estimation a person with a Squib father and a Witch mother should be considered a pureblood. Her canon characterization is far too flat...being part of Umbridge's clique not withstanding. Indeed JKR herself has said that not all Slytherin's are purebloods, and indeed not even all Death Eaters are pureblood supremists. There are many reasons to work for the Dark Lord...Racism is one reason...but I assure you there are others.

Over all I find that having Harry being cool headed, analyitcal and rational is a refreshing from the usual angsty, over emotional arshole he is usually portrayed as in Canon and Fanfiction alike. I always wondered what would happen if Potter could think logicly...this author has captured that idea that has been swimming in my head quite well.

I also like the manipulative Dumbledore aspect. What better way to show mastery of manipulation than to manipulate without appearing to manipulate.

Over all I give this story a 4.95 out of 5.

Now Go Write Me A Chapter!

 

Point taken. Notes shall be at the end of the chapter. They're mostly my views and what inspired me to go the way I did. But your point is very valid, so I will put my notes at the end.

Scene Breaks are usually for me while I am writing. I do not always write linearly or chronologically, and often merge scenes, paragraphs and even sometimes chapters. It is useful as a marker while editing, so I tend to leave it in as there is no harm in scene breaks. But your points about the beginning and end of the chapter are valid. That shall be changed.

There won't be any sappiness in any of my stories. They are all prim and proper - perhaps too squeaky clean, in fact. But then, I grew up on a diet of Alistair MacLeans and Agatha Christies as a kid, so extreme decorum will be maintained..

While I am not very familiar with how one distinguishes a pureblood from a half blood (how many generations of blood purity are required to be considered a pureblood? Harry is called a half blood, since his mum is a muggleborn), I think the purebloods of the realm are not any more fond of squibs than they are of muggles. Remember that even the Weasleys, a very liberal pureblood family, don't talk of Molly's second cousin because he is a squib. Squibs are shames to be buried (that is the impression I got from the wizarding attitudes towards squibs) and because of that, I considered Millicent a half blood.

Logical!leader!Harry is what I am aiming at. I have a very different on what makes wizards powerful and dangerous. It is not just duelling ability or even power in combat. It is the ability to out-think the enemy and that is what Harry is going to have.

Thanks. That was the goal I set out to achieve. I am glad that has been accomplished.

Thanks for the encouragement, and thanks for reading and reviewing.

 

For some strange reason I can't see you finishing this.

 

You do realize it's only several chapters away from the end of the book, right?

 

Interesting observation, considering that there are only four more chapters in the story and three of them have already been written up.
Regards,
Maidros

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I really appreciate that.
With regards,
Maidros

 

So you are going to resolve every single issue in the story in 3 or 4 chapters.You aren't going to write CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP, HBP and the Deathly Hallows? I'm not here to start a fight, it is just stories like these almost never finish if you know what I mean.

 

No offence taken and I get what you mean. The story I was referring to is the PS part, which will be resolved in 4 chapters. I have plans for an alternate version of CoS and PoA. There will be no alternate versions of HBP and DH. My story will end somewhere in the GoF or the OotP years. Plans for the last two are hazy as yet.

Regards,
Maidros

 

The sequel to 'The Roaring Snake' has begun. It's called 'The Ten That Were Taken.'

Only two chapters have been posted so far, so it's too early to tell what the plot looks like. The first two chapters are well-written and interesting though.

Here ya go:

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4994812/1/The_Ten_That_Were_Taken

 

This story has officially fallen into the cliche of Dumbledore being blatantly evil and no one doing a damn thing about it.

That's a big issue for me, because unless Harry kills him somehow in the near future, it means we'll have to put up with his ridiculous machinations for thousands upon thousands more words.

I've read many stories that try to set up Dumbledore as the greater villain, but I don't think I've read any that end with the logical conclusion: That Harry murders Dumbledore in righteous vengeance.

Dumbledore the Untouchable is a poor plot device. He can be manipulative and even evil, but the extent that he's above the law is just absurd in these types of fics. Canon Dumbledore gets knocked down time and time again. Dark Lord Dumbledore is just bad.

Not to mention that Amelia Bones acts nothing like a concerned adult nor a reasonable officer of the law. I'm pretty sure that under no circumstances would a reasonable human being think it's alright to keep a child confined to a place that can't be located or observed against his will, especially when there is no communication and reports of possible abuse or foul play are rampant.

I'm unable to suspend my disbelief any longer when it comes to this story.

 

I'm not sure what prompted this response. Dumbledore doesn't even make an appearance in the first two chapters, and the only thing he did was force Harry to return to the Dursleys. He apparently set up some sort of ward there so Harry couldn't leave. A nasty thing to do? Yes. But it's only slightly more extreme than the way canon!Dumbledore treats Harry. I haven't seen any evidence of true evil so far.

Harry is 11. How would it affect your suspension of disbelief if he were to walk up to Dumbledore and give him an AK to the back? When someone like Dumbledore wants to manipulate the life of a child, particularly when he is that child's guardian, said child is screwed.

Perhaps, but there's no indication that this Dumbledore is a dark lord. So far his machinations have been mostly political, and they've mostly failed. He's far from omnipotent.

She is concerned about Harry, but this is the magical world we're talking about, not the muggle world. Dumbledore is Harry's guardian, and it's perfectly within his rights to lock Harry away somewhere. She even says so. And, moreover, there are suspicions of possible abuse, not reports.

It's all a matter of personal taste, but the flaws in the canon books require a suspension of disbelief greater than many fan fics. How did you make it through all seven books?

 

My point is that, unlike what occurred in the first story (which was a stretch in and of itself), Dumbledore is now blatantly acting to harm Harry and act against his best interests. This is not manipulation. He's become a legitimate enemy of Harry's and there is no subterfuge involved. Everyone is either aware of it or suspects it.

Dumbledore may have been manipulative in canon, but he never forced Harry to do something that he didn't want to do. It was the difference between exercising influence and exercising force.

This story portrays Dumbledore as nothing more and nothing less than a villain with the world wrapped around his little finger. Everyone is apparently impotent when it comes to stopping him, and it seems that the author is moving towards Harry having to deal with the issue further along because all of the supposedly powerful and influential characters on Harry's side aren't lifting a finger to do anything.

Next to Dumbledore they may as well be children themselves.

I'm generally not this critical of HP stories, but I was enjoying this one until the author went way, way too far.

 

Eh, I think we just disagree on the way Dumbledore is portrayed in the story. I don't see any public villainy going on. He's got a whole lot of political clout, and wants to use Harry for his own ends. But Harry's got some adult allies who are politically canny as well, which leaves Harry caught up in a world of complex political intrigue. The whole point of the story is him trying to navigate those rough waters and figure out what everyone's agenda is.

 

There's nothing political about Dumbledore locking Harry up with abusive caretakers and preventing anyone from seeing or communicating with him.

 

That's almost precisely what Dumbledore did in canon. He locked Harry with abusive caretakers and prevented everyone from seeing Harry (how many people visited Harry in the first ten years of his life?)

As for Dumbledore, he is not a Dark Lord, but he's got a vision of his own for the wizarding world, and he is perfectly prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve his ends. This is more or less exactly what he did in Canon.

 

The difference is that in canon he did it subtly without ignoring the legitimate concerns of people around him and of Harry himself. The Dursleys were also not so ominously nasty. In canon there was no fear that Harry would be beaten or murdered and Dumbledore certainly did not empower them to be "better" wardens for Harry.

It's one thing to manipulate (canon) and another entirely to set up wards to literally hold Harry prisoner against his will and have the rest of society completely ignore the wrongness of what is, in your story, a widely recognized issue.

When manipulation comes to light it is no longer manipulation, it is meddling, and the way your story is written I see it as criminal.

 

Pray what did the Dursleys do in my story that they do not in canon? Imprisoning Harry inside a room? That's canon! And that's the worst they have done in my story as well. The loathe Harry, but that's canon as well.

The wards holding Harry prisoner will be explained. Dumbledore has a very legitimate reason for those wards. As for the magical society, well - they hardly cared in canon about what was happening to their hero either. Also, Dumbledore is a very powerful creature and most people in the Ministry don't relish getting into a battle with him. I am certainly not going to write another Saint Amelia Bones. That characterisation of her has been done to death.

Dumbledore believes he's doing everything for the good of the wizarding world. He never struck me as one who stands up for individual rights. And neither did the wizards as a society for that matter.

Finally, Dumbledore was meddlesome (remember his preventing Fudge/Scrimgoeur from speaking to Harry even after he promised to keep Harry in the loop?) I don't believe I have made him do anything worse than what he has actually done in canon - even if I am putting different constructions on his actions.

 

Your points are well made maidros, but if you have to explain the mechanizations occurring in the story you have, without doubt, failed somewhere.