I'm finding myself in a similar situation.

The writing is superb, the setting is well developed and thought out. All the technical aspects are perfect.

The plot is new and innovative. It does still feel a little like HP, despite how AU it is.

But I keep switching tabs and going elsewhere for awhile. I can't remain interested for more than maybe ten minutes at a time.

I'll have another try when a few more chapters are posted.

 

I absolutely love what's been written so far.

It is very original and AU but you can still tell that it's a Harry Potter fic. I especially like the roles that all the original characters play and find the situation with Hermione particularly interesting. Even though I'm getting a bit of an HHr vibe because of the kidnapping setup (which I am definitely nowhere near as opposed to as some of the people on this site). But I guess we'll see where it goes.

I think it's particularly interesting how you managed to use the canon relationships and personalities in the context of the world that you've created. Particularly the Weasley twins and the apparent relationship between Krum and Hermione.

Just the idea deserves a 5/5. I can't wait for more.

 

A few problems:
- At the start of the story it's winter and in chapter 3 it's a summer afternoon when only days should have passed.

- You haven't revealed all the backstory yet, but I really don't know how it's possible to combine the Austro-Hungarian Empire and the Third Reich.

 

Whoops I missed that, that would be because we've had a rash of hot weather recently and I got distracted. Will fix.

Also, for a long long long conversation on the second topic, check my WbA thread.

 

It was a little difficult to concentrate on this fic to the exclusion of all else the way I usually do. It just didn't grab my attention and keep it very well and I really have no idea why.

It was an interesting plot, well-written and executed, grammar/punctuation/spelling errors were virtually non-existent, but for some reason my attention kept wandering.

3.5/5

 

That's very nice Oz... Did you eat another smack-baby again?

 

Oz said this was the best AU out there so I greedily sank my teeth into it.

Dark Syaoran said it best I think and I have to agree with him. The plot behind it is amazing and there is a ton of back story there just waiting to be unveiled, but I had to force myself to continue reading it. And to be honest I may try again with chapter two since there is mention of more things happening, but for now chapter 1 was enough.

Edit: Okay, it was bugging why the story was not holding my attention so I went back and did some analysis on it. I think I know what you're doing. I think you are using the passive voice a bit too much.
If you are confused as to the difference I'll give some examples.

The active voice happens when the subject does the verb.

The passive voice happens when the verb is done to the subject.

Example.

I ate the banana. Active voice.
The banana was eaten by me. Passive voice.


"My attention was then drawn to the conversation that the rest of the group were involved in."

Here's an example of it, but upon closer inspection of the fiction I think something else is at work here. There is I believe maybe too many words used to describe a single person or thing.

"It seemed to centre around the slight young man sat chewing gum, an aloof expression on his face. He was the only one of the seventeen of us to be carrying a firearm; a bolt action rifle was haphazardly slung over his shoulder and the rest of the group seemed to be mocking him for it. I studied his face a moment, he appeared to be of Scandinavian descent and I knew immediately who he was."

Three sentences packed with information all to describe a single person. I found other examples of this throughout the story. Two or three sentences used to describe Harry drinking whiskey and talking to Paddy. I think this is a bit much. As my hold english teacher told me, pruning words makes things easier to read.

However, I know there is a counter argument to what I say. I know that with more description there is better immersion by the reader and that is done excellently. Yet, I am fading out of it because there is too much description. A better balance I think should be used.

I think another issue contributing to my problem is that it sometimes reads like I am being lectured.

"Dementors, are apparently not enough to protect the almighty Lord Riddle, yet they suffice the whole year round with the Austro-Hungarian Emperor in permanent residence. I've never considered Riddle as much of a wizard even though there are a hundred war stories told in the taverns about Riddle in North Africa."

"I knocked upon the door of Pucey's office and waited politely. Patience was a virtue with a CO like Pucey. He was only two years older than I and barely a captain, but acted with all the dignity and fondness for military doctrine and etiquette that you would expect from a sixty year old general. After a brief pause, during which the wind howled louder than ever, I heard a sharp command from Pucey to enter."

See what I mean? If not then I apologize for bringing it up.

Reading the above reviews shows that many people love it. It could be just me and that I have trouble with how you write. Either way, I hope you continue it since many here enjoy it.

 

I do understand what you're saying and I've come to the same conclusions regarding my writing style.

All I can say is that I'm trying to walk a fine line between immersing my reader in the story and providing them with enough information to comprehend the story.

I think it's just a matter of taste, some people have told me my writing is too scant of detail, others that it's too wordy and others that its perfect.

I hope you do try again with Chapter 2, it picks the pace up slightly.

 

When I first tried to read it a couple monthes back I found it far too wordy. When I read it a week or two ago I found it fine, although I can definitely see where someone could get either impression.

As far as ratings go, I'll give this a 5/5. I think it should be updated more, though.

 

I like this fic, very original and well written. It can be a little bit confusing at times, but if you persevere it does reward you with some good action scenes. Looking forward to more, especially to see where the plots heading. I might just have to join in on the WBA thread.

5/5

P.S The Weasley twins are awesome:awesome

 

I found the writing very cumbersome at first and it took me around twenty minutes to get through the first three paragraphs as i jumped from tab to tab. Eventually though I forced myself to sit down and read it simply because of all the good reviews that have come its way.
After reading some more though I've noticed it less and less, whether that's because I've gotten used to the writing style and like it or in spite of the writing style because of the premise is so good, I don't know.

Here are a few errors I noticed

This is one of the reasons I've rarely liked a first person writing style, it's so easy to change tenses as you write.

With neither able to land a him? I think you either meant neither could lay a blow on each other or Grindelwald couldn't lay a blow on him.

Finally, it would be helpful if at the end/beginning of the first chapter you keep a glossary of all the German (I'm guessing military) terms you've used. Having to google terms you don't understand repeatedly can get quite tedious.

Overall, I like the story even if I'm not totally sure about the writing style.

3.5/5

 

Updated, for those of you not following on WbA or FFnet.

 

I really liked the story though. I don't know what people mean when they say they can't stay focused. I had no problem with that. The story as you know is well written and all the cannon characters seem to fall into their place. Give yourself a pat in the back enembee, this is one hell of a story and I hope you update more often. This is by far, my favorite AU story, the duel in chapter 3(I think) was amazing, I never read anything like it.

5/5 for me and a cyber cookie for you, Please Update soon!

whats WBA, i am new to this site.

 

Works by author

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/forumdisplay.php?f=11

 

I must say that this gets a 5/5 from me, I like the amount of detail you have in there and your action scenes are exciting like The Bourne Identity.

 

Hey... look what i found after all these years of lurkin' on DLP. This comment was what finally forced me to create an account.

This is the best HP story I have ever read, and trust me I've read a lot... this is a complete 5/5.

And I would rather it be a wh40k xover over a SW... ughhhh

Anywho, like i said in my review of your story on FF I like it alot but can't seem to figure out the whole history of it. With the Austro-Hungary Empire falling apart after WWI, but I guess I'll have to keep reading to figure it out, eh?

 

Welcome to DLP, thanks a bunch <3

 

Wow.... Now i feel retarded after looking at WbA... jeez someone coulda said something.. QQ

But now I get the whole AHE thing. Shoulda thought about that sooner considering I just watched Valkyrie like 4 days ago...

Another question tho.. what happened to Italy, Hungary and Croatia?? did they just get absorbed into the AHE?