Since movie 3.

I know, great, isn't it?

 

Unrelated to the story, but I really love the newspaper scenes in GOF and OOTP.

As for the story, I'll reserve judgement. You've certainly added something new to the genre, but I can't put my finger on as to what.

Of course, it could also be a reason to read an Azkaban story due to its author being a DLP member. We'll have to wait and see.

 

That it is. That idea by itself was enough to make the first chapter worth 5 stars, and it is certainly a much better and more sinister prison structure than the same old "Fortress of Azkaban". You also have it adrift at sea with the dementors "living" beneath the ocean surface. So yeah, it's damn cool.

You must be in the exam hall as I write this, working away...

 

Keep the writing style.

From your other stuff, I know that you can bring originality in your plots, so I am not worried about the lack of substance. I am sure it is coming. Do NOT deviate from the style. That is what is making me want to read the next chapter. Not 'oh what happens next,' because, arguably, Harry will be leaving...and then he will deal with the wizarding world...and they will not expect him, dun dun dun - i.e. Most of it is expected.

So I am reading this for the execution of your idea more than its substance. Though, like I said, knowing you there will be an interesting plot-line.

Hope that helps.

 

I concur N's assessment. In the end its what you bring to the table, I have looked at your stories solely because of your writing style and not what's out there. Well to be completely honest I am a little interested in the big picture, but I digress any one with a working neural pathways could think up a plot; however only some can bring out their ideas. Therefore, pardon me for the language, tell those readers on ff.net to fuck themselves and stick to the style you're more comfortable with.

 

I completely agree with him. This story is excellent, and I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter. And frankly, you had plenty of content behind your story - I don't know what those reviewers were talking about at ALL...

Setting the stage is half the battle. You've got a marvelous stage set.

Out of curiosity, have you read any of the Warhammer 40k novels, preferably those in the Horus Heresy series? Your story brings to mind images from that saga (a VERY good thing).

 

An author's note from the end of the first chapter. I also took the term hexagrammic (just the term, the incense coils, the diagrams corresponding to fields of magic was all mine), and in that book there is an interrogation scene where the Inquisitor says: We will kill you five times.

That was a bluff though, in this story it is a very real threat.

Final has been pwnt.

Also, the brevity of these chapters are because of this: http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showpost.php?p=261695&postcount=108 That's right, I challenged myself.

Nuhuh, your post on style is very helpful. On one hand with the FFnet readers, yes words that do not come up in ordinary conversation might break immersion by forcing a reader to check the thesaurus, but on the other, I can just make readers learn more words.

I am promoting education. Suck on that, FFnet.

 

Oh cool, that's definitely an improvement. I should check WbA more often, then (not that I've checked it more than a few times up until now...).

I agree that you should go with focusing more on style; you already have substance and will continue to have substance, and I think the way you express that substance is of greater importance than the actual substance due to the rarity of well-written stories (there are lots of good ideas out there, but only a few have been written to their potential). As long as your substance reaches a certain threshold of quality, it's fine to ignore it and make your style rock.

 

Excellent potential for a story. Hopefully you'll post more so that we'll be able to get a better idea of what is going on in your mind.

 

I hail thee as Andro, King of all Azakaban fics *bows* now, I'm afraid I have to demand MOAR!!!!!!

 

I was under the impression that they glide on any surface, I remember the movie they were gliding on the water to get to Sirius, anyone got a link to that scene?

 

I remember they actually flew around Harry during that Quid game in the movie.

 

Which, as an interesting fact no one cares about, was the final straw which caused me to turn off that movie. It also gets partial credit for my never having seen any movie after the 3rd one.

 

I have a stylistic question. I notice that the majority of my sentences are two-part sentences, such as:

Bentham had envisioned a landlocked prison, not a seaborne one.

Do you see what I mean? Two parts of a sentence divided by a comma. Does anyone have a handy article for varying sentence structure?

Here is the first completed scene of the next chapter.

 

No article, but I recommend semicolons; I have a tendency to abuse the little suckers, and it works well enough in essays and academic writing. Not sure how well it would translate to fiction (though I don't see why it wouldn't); my few forays into that realm have sucked large ones.

I've commented on it before, but I can't stress enough how much I absolutely love your version of Azkaban. It's simple, elegant, and effective, and you've described it at a level of detail that is far superior to any other Azkaban fic I've read. Needless to say, that puts it a level of the (utter lack of a) canon description as well.

The emphasis on style over plot doesn't really bother me at this point - there's never terribly much plot in the first chapter or two - but that doesn't work indefinitely. Given the quality of your prior writings I sincerely doubt that it will be a problem, but it has to be said.

Edit:
Skimmed back over it. I have issues with:

I understand what you're saying with "Azkaban was structurally...", but, given the apparent complexity of Azkaban's fluid architectural structure in the previous paragraph, it just seems odd. Maybe add a slight aside to it, something along the lines of "Azkaban was structurally simplistic -- a circle with a tower central to it -- so its freedom for rearrangement, although far greater than its muggle equivalents, did have its limits." Not necessarily that exactly, but you get what I mean; the structural fluidity is limited compared to Hogwarts, but to call it 'limited' outright just doesn't seem right.

The final sentence should read '...connected at...' not '...at connected...'

Also, that's an example - should you so desire - of where I would tend to throw in a semicolon:
"With structurally more complex strongholds such as Hogwarts however, things could get fanciful; the stairways connected at the balconies and floors wherever the students wished, but forced infiltrators into endless loops."

 

Lovely story so far. I'm looking forward to the next update. About your signature though, it wouldn't be pedo. It'd be statutory rape. Or rather, sexual assualt. Assuming that it's in the US

If it were in the UK then it'd be nothing, because the age of consent is 16

 

the instead of them. [prologue]

I'm confused as too whose point of view this is. It seems like it's the scribes, however the next part is from the head interrogator and we later find out that the scribe is under Imperius so it's almost certainly not him. You might want to take a look and see if it's just me or if there's something there you can change to make it easier to figure out whose thoughts your reading as your reading them. [chapter 1]

Over all a very nice read, although to short to really judge anything. Your writing style however is very easy to read and quite enjoyable so I really look forward to the next update. I do have a few questions though. Is Harry being interrogated by the ministry? Reason I ask is because I had never heard of the names you used so I was wondering if he is captured by somebody else or they belong to a subsection of the ministry that you just made up. Also, is their leader trying to kill Harry under orders from Voldemort or is he a spy in Voldemorts inner circle? I know some of these may be cleared up later; however it's also possible I missed some information in the chapter.

Update Soon!

 

Thank you for the catch, Virail. I'll make the girl in question American. The situation is just too lulzly to pass up.

I meant for that passage to be from Maazel's point of view and yeah, the Ministry had Harry. I indirectly mentioned it at:

Hmm, maybe not even indirectly. I will revise that chapter to clarify it. Thanks Elvin.

Rofl, I'm making my bid for the throne, but got shot down already. I'd say irate something about the number of people that rated the story one star, but I guess I can't stop people from being dicks.

Maybe fourth in line for the throne.

Whatever, I plan to update on Christmas, maybe earlier.

 

I used to have that issue before Tinn pointed it out to me. I realized it was simply a product of me trying to add emotion and description to everything I wrote.

Sometimes, the Dementer just glides. The Dementer doesn't glide, it's rippling cloak flowing behind it.

Understand?

 

Update on Christmas? Another gift I have to look forward to!

Oh, and by the way, your new avatar is sweet. Zero Punctuation is amazing.