1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice

WIP The Uprising by Captain Cranium - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Sesc, Jun 1, 2015.

  1. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Title: The Uprising
    Author: Captain Cranium
    Rating: T
    Genre: Mystery/Friendship (should be Mystery/Crime)
    Status: WIP, but already pre-written
    Library Category: General
    Pairings: None central to the story, so far.
    Summary: All is seemingly well in Wizarding Britain as the last aftershocks of the War against the Dark Lord fade away, but a series of murders lead ace Auror Daphne Greengrass to a threat that may throw her world yet again into imbalance.
    Link.

    Best new thing I've read in a while. Bullet-points: Post-Hogwarts, Daphne-POV, Mystery/Crime, all of those decently done. The biggest caveat for most will probably be that it really is a Daphne-story -- she's the main character. Harry is there, and important, but this isn't his story.


    Backstory is that Greengrass senior died, there was no heir, and so Daphne ended up picking a job as an Auror at the Ministry. Harry, meanwhile, had left Britain after Voldemort's defeat for an extended holiday, and is now back in town -- and ends up as Daphne's partner with the Aurors. As far as the further plot goes, it deals with a case of murder on one hand and post-Voldemort politics on the other, and both quickly become linked.

    Daphne's POV takes up most of room, but occasionally, we're with Harry. I like Daphne's character (she's cast as a conservative pureblood, but not retardedly so, and otherwise very competent at what she does), and Harry's is solid, IMO -- he starts off tagging along and making rookie mistakes, but he becomes useful quickly enough (wouldn't matter to me, but I hear YMMV >_>).

    As a downside, I didn't particularly like Ron's interpretation; I had a sudden flashback to moRon-caricatures by Harmonians. Luckily, he's got only a handful of lines.

    The writing is competent; e.g. scenes like
    where the author manages to wrap lots of history into just a few words. I really like stuff like that. So all in all, from me, a solid 4/5.
     
  2. Arselbengt

    Arselbengt First Year

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    20
    Location:
    Sweden
    I liked what is posted so far enough to put a 4/5 on it but
    on the bottom of each chapter lowers my score of a currently updating story to 3/5. The story already being complete makes it worse too as he/she clearly doesn't want reviews for feedback but more for the brags.
     
  3. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Eh. It shouldn't change the quality of the story here. The thread's for us, after all, not for him. What it obviously does is prompting me not to leave any review there. Telling me to review or else simply has the opposite effect.
     
  4. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,404
    Location:
    Poland
    I've read all six chapters and so far I can tell:
    - Harry isn't the Harry I want to read about. He's weak. He's stupid.
    - We're 20k words in, but the story has barely started. I don't think it should be posted here yet. For that reason I will not rate it yet.
    - We're thrown into an universe that's clearly AU with many AU concepts (new magic, there's a strong lead for non-HP magic being more powerful and generally better, etc.)

    In the short six chapters, we learned that women cannot inherit in the Wizarding World and Harry has managed to loose ownership of the Elder Wand and show his incapability in several other ways. Meh.

    Oh, and Madam Bones is still alive.

    All that said, the writing is sound and the story is entertaining. I will definitely follow it.
     
  5. newageofpower

    newageofpower Professor DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2015
    Messages:
    480
    I wouldn't call new Harry weak or stupid, just out of practice for one reason or another. It comes across more strongly due to the contrast with a very competent Daphne.
     
  6. Atram Noctem

    Atram Noctem High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2015
    Messages:
    525
    When Spencer tells him of a brunette, bushy haired muggleborn with brown eyes around his age that performed the memory charm, he doesn't make the connection to Hermione immediately. That's what I call stupid, and it's painful to read. I had a feeling it was going to be a "Hermione leads a muggleborn uprising" plot much earlier.

    Besides that, the writing is decent and the story has a nice pace, though nothing special. 3/5.
     
  7. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2011
    Messages:
    1,396
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Cascadia
    This is exactly what I came here to say.

    The latent druid hippie magic is probably stopping him from connecting her to it, she's probably in the town. I could be wrong, but still.

    I am also annoyed by the "review or no new chapter for you" thing. Well written, but I dread being let down by the obvious telegraphs here. 3/5 for me.
     
  8. Stan

    Stan Order Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2014
    Messages:
    838
    Decent story overall. Competent writing and an acceptable, if unexceptional mystery. The Ynys Mon thing is intriguing, which is the major draw of the story, and will make or break it. Hermione as a possible antagonist sounds interesting as well.

    There are a lot of little (and some not-so-little) things that annoy me. There's the women-can't-inherit thing and I have to suspend my disbelief over the political atmosphere of the story, I had similar problems with Unatoned. It is difficult to imagine the pureblood supremacists retaining so much power after Voldemort's fall, seeing that all of Hogwarts was loyal to Harry, and Shacklebolt essentially made the Government.

    Daphne's characterization is good. Harry's characterization is meh. I get that a rookie auror will make rookie mistakes, but I don't like seeing him being bossed around and condescended upon by someone his own age. Molly Weasley's character voice is off. Ron's characterization is terrible, and if turns into full on bashing then I'm out.

    I also don't get the point of Amelia Bones being alive. She's basically an OC anyway, might as well have replaced her with an actual OC instead of making an unnecessary change from canon events. I think everything else is canon, so the change seems quite unnecessary.

    Is Harry still dating Ginny in this? It wasn't quite clear from their brief interaction.

    The author is a brat holding updates hostage for review. I agree with Sesc, in that I have no desire to leave a review over there now.

    Potential for library quality, but it isn't there yet. Plus, too many little things in the story bother me. 3/5.
     
  9. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    I seemed to me very much as a "have history"-thing, between Harry and Ginny. Interaction and behaviour says were together once, then split, and now stuck in this awkward phase were you know you aren't together but haven't quite formed a new (unromantic) relationship to take the place of the old.

    As for Elder Wand, Bones, and AU: Looks like the author does what I do, which is basically use whatever of Canon he likes and then calls it "Post-Hogwarts". So I wouldn't assume too much, it might not or might have completely differently happened in the AU of this story.
     
  10. Peter North

    Peter North Dark Lord

    Joined:
    Jul 10, 2013
    Messages:
    1,875
    Location:
    New Hampshire
    It's an interesting doc. I think it needs a few more chapters before it can be rated properly, 3/5 for now.
     
  11. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Updated.

    That Harry hasn't told Daphne about Hermione is bleh, but on the bright side, he can now floo! It's evolving!

    Spoilers ahead.






    I wonder where the focus of the plot is going to be now. The chapter was very fast-paced -- I probably would have made staking out Ynys Mon an entire chapter alone, if only to use the great setting it offers. Instead, we skipped right to the next attack. Perhaps the story is not about the attacks, but what comes after? The only reasonable reaction after this can be to storm Ynys Mon, they can't continue sitting around and (not) watching them go in and out.

    Another issue that ties with that is that the way the attacks have been going, I see the story writing itself into a corner. So far we had taking advantage of Muggleborns, screwing over Muggleborns, and now raping and torturing Muggleborns, and it's starting to stretch believability, IMO. It's right at the edge now.

    I'm down with Muggleborns getting the short end of the stick. Connor was a dude that I felt fit right in. Doge was a surprise, but who knows, right? Some people are like that. But if now purebloods generally have a spot of torture with their tea and usually are psychopaths, we reach shit-fiction territory. If I want comically evil Death Eaters, I have the entire rest of FF.net.

    The author would do well to stick to reasonably unpleasant purebloods. There's more than enough ways in which they can screw Muggleborns without being psychopaths, and they're more interesting on top of that. Or this was the final straw, before the story takes a different turn. Either way, I think I'd have preferred the story without the Notts.
     
  12. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,404
    Location:
    Poland
    Nott could be raping muggles, there was nothing to indicate that those were bodies of magicals.

    It doesn't seem that unbelievable to me, when you consider that the attacks aren't random -- the rebels are highlighting the worst of the worst of the society.
     
  13. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Same thing, though. It's uber!evil in the way Death Eaters are portrayed in those stories where the author can't think of any other way to portray evilness, and so they rape Muggles/Mugglebors every minute for no reason. It's superfluous, I think that's my problem -- the theme has been well-established, and this doesn't add anything except crossing a few moral event horizons to show the last retard that ZOMG EVILZ.

    If the focus really is a renegade band of muggleborns attacking purebloods, it'd be much more interesting if the story kept to ambiguous evils, and stayed away from beating me over the head with absolute ones.
     
  14. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Updated.

    The obvious parts of the mystery are resolved, I wonder where it's going now. The conflict, I think, is an interesting one: The Ministry needs the Muggleborns to function, but what do you do if they refuse to work? It's the magical equivalent of a general strike. The usual options for those hit by the strike are either compromise or force, but I have to think about how magic affects this problem.

    Either way, it's a highly interesting scenario. The only downside is that the story as such can jump the shark any time, because it very easy to use it as a soapbox for whatever opinion the author has on the matter (so far, he managed to stay mostly clear, though).
     
  15. newageofpower

    newageofpower Professor DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2015
    Messages:
    480
    I also like how the author stopped withholding more chapters until he met achieved threshold. Much better now.
     
  16. Stan

    Stan Order Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2014
    Messages:
    838
    Updated.

    Liked the chapter -- Harry's conversation with Molly, Daphne's interaction with the Minister and the resulting drama with Amelia Bones.

    Who is the Minister of Magic, btw? I don't think his name's been mentioned.

    Liked Draco's characterization. He's matured quite a bit from his DH self. Amelia Bones continues to impress.

    Ron's characterization is still bad. To be in the spotlight, To be in Charge: those excuses don't work in post DH story, and I don't buy him calling Harry a traitor and rushing to be at the Minister's beck and call -- He's not pre-DH Percy. He's written the way the better Harmony authors write him -- give him some flimsy excuse and antagonize him. The worse ones just make him a Death eater and rapist and don't bother justifying it.

    I have enjoyed the last couple of chapters for the most part and have largely come to terms with the implausibility of the premise, and would have increased the rating to 4 if not for Ron's characterization. I'll wait and see how the next few chapters go for now.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2015
  17. thoriyan

    thoriyan Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2010
    Messages:
    290
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada, eh?
    New update continues general trend of improvement. I feel like the Minister's identity being withheld is a plot gimmick that could be interesting: hopefully this means it's someone unexpected. I would be disappointed if it was a disguised Voldemort, for instance. Annoyed still that Harry is a pushover - getting arrested continues to show indecisive and weak Harry, but that's who he has been for the whole fic so at least it's consistent.
     
  18. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    6,191
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Blocksberg, Germany
    Improved in what way? I'd rather say it's inches from crashing.

    We're now at the stage where the over-the-top evilness I pointed out earlier comes back around to bite the author. Unless he goes for what 90% of the readers would probably see as the downer-ending -- that is, the Muggleborns are right that they are treated badly, they are right to fight against that, and then they get crushed and the purebloods live happily ever after, the end -- I think he has written himself into a corner. I almost can't believe it's pre-written. (I mean, that end would save the story, but it takes massive balls to pull it off, so it's quite unlikely to happen.)

    The point of this story is a moral dilemma. As soon as there is an obvious answer to "what's right", the story is over. And we have now nearly reached the point, because the Ministry (e.g. in person of the Minister) is portrayed as completely unreasonable.

    And as a side note, the nonsense with the No-Name-Minister was interesting the first three times, and thoroughly annoying afterwards.

    The story should have stuck with Daphne's POV. Her slant on things counter-balanced the events as they happened, and a struggle against her own believes would have had much more depth than reasonable-Harry vs. unreasonable-Ministry. That's just cheap conflict -- which is the reason this chapter was bad.
     
  19. Hugo

    Hugo Second Year

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2009
    Messages:
    62
    Location:
    Canada
    There's nothing here to hook me in. Its been mentioned already but I will reiterate;

    1) Harry is so stupid its painful
    2) Harry is so incompetent its painful
    3) Author should have stuck with Daphne's POV because that was the only time this story was interesting
    4) I refuse to believe that in a world where LV fell, Purebloods have managed to retain such a tight hold on society
    5) Reasonable Harry vs. Incompetent Ministry- There's a page worth of ranting here but as Sesc has already mentioned, its just cheap conflict

    Whatever this story had going for it is now lost. 2/5 for clean writing and a somewhat interesting start.
     
  20. Anarchy

    Anarchy Half-Blood Prince DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    3,571
    Location:
    NJ
    This is pretty much the reason that I write anything at all these days.
     
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. MoPhire
    Replies:
    10
    Views:
    5,696