Title: Their Heaving Chests lay Still
Author: DGD
Rating: M
DLP Category: Independent Harry
Pairing: None
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,510
Published: June 15, 2007
Status: Abandoned (can't count as a oneshot)

Summary: Harry wakes up to the reality of what the prophecy entails and
vows to become the Dark Lord's better, letting nothing get in the way of his quest to kill Voldemort. Features OCD! and Sadistic!Harry.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3594648/1/


Here's my first serious attempt at a HP fanfic.

Props to nuhuh and Xippy for helping me out.

BTW, ignore the bio it links you to, it's from two years ago and it won't let me change it. -_-



Checked by Minion, March 17, 2013

 

It was fairly good, though since it is only chapter one it's hard to judge the quality of future chapters.

Though I must ask how Harry's getting out of this one, what withe exploding legs and all.

You'd think he'd be ratted out faster than a flickernicker.

I honestly hope that book is a bunch of useless cooking spells, and that the only way to get anything useful out of it is to decipher the code.

Bah, anyway, the flow was good, at least no sentences caught me up. The writing style was one I enjoyed a bit, so it's passable. And I couldn't' find any grammar problems, so I'll have to say, good job, sir.

4/5

 

twas good, and i look forward to the rest. Your title is a teaser though. i read it and was sure you had written smut.

 

Sounds interesting, unique, but definatly enjoyable. Update regularly and keep away from awkward pairings and it'll be great.

 

More adjectives than I usually like. Harry's jade eyes dryly observed the bleak outside weather <=- sentences like that where every aspect is described with an adjective or adverb just become tedious to me. And I always feel a bit weird when the story is talking to me conversationally rather than reading like an account of a tale. It was one of those rooms that give you a bad feeling when you walk in. Murky, you could call it. Any use of the word 'you' is a tip-off, as opposed to "It was one of those rooms that gave off a bad feeling, just walking into it. Murky was an understatement." Or whatever. This is only true in 3rd person POV though. First and second POV I expect the story to be conversational with me. Just a personal preference.

As for nitpicky stuff, if you even care about it: One thing you may want to keep in mind is that "McGonagall" doesn't have a double N. Extra quote mark in this line: "Very well," is there anything else?" And you may want to capitalize the L in lay in the title. Every other word is capitalized, so I'm curious why not that one (it's a verb, not an article or preposition).

As for the plot, it's a bit too early to tell much. I'm guessing this is headed down a darker path than I'd prefer, but I could be wrong. And the sudden torture and bone explosion of Slughorn was inspired. You've got me intrigued and wanting to read more.

Only 3/5 for now by my standards, but I'm curious to see the OCD aspects mentioned in the summary come up. Definitely the potential for this to improve to a 4 or 5 rating easy.

 

I liked it, except for the last part. Even Harry in his most Griffinforish moments should realize, that he can never get away with such a thing. I also found it to be rather OOC of him. It would have been believable, if Harry would have been corrupted by the dark arts already, but as it is he wasn't able to casts the crucio and has no knowledge over other dark arts.

Another thing which I found strange is the portkey thing. Why not go outside and use it there? It would be a little bit smarter then overpowering a portkey to the point where it creates a rip in wards which are there to protect you.

 

A very nice story so far. Can't wait to read the rest!

Richard.

 

The last part was a bit far-fetched and idiotic. Slughorn is being looked after by Pomfrey, the queen of all mother hens, and he somehow had the time to get in their, get all that information even as Slughorn screamed his head off, and somehow didn't get caught? How exactly is he not going to be found out? Legilimency, anyone?

I can't say anything good about this story now, just because that was such a large part. Harry hasn't been corrupted and he was still acting all sadistic and twisted. He tortured a man with his bare hands! The spelling and grammar were good, but story line seemed rushed and not thought out.

2.5/5, subject to change if the story begins to get better

 

I agree with Kolskit. I don't think that you paved away enough for that. It started off with, 'The only way I can control my life is through getting stronger!' and then, 'The only way I can get stronger is through using dark magic--I don't have a choice, but I'm ok with that!' and then, suddenly, 'I'm ok with brutally torturing this man, and watching as his limbs violently burst!'

Yeah, I just don't buy that.

 

I agree with the rest.
Very good start but a bit rapid development in Harry’s Character, it could have done better without the Skelegrow scene. A bit too soon, for a torture session by your Harry.
Overall, I give the chapter 3.5/5
Update soon.

 

Nice story. You've got a real elegant turn of phrase in some places, so plus points for that. I like the way you've set up Harry's reasoning for heading to the Dark Arts, but like others have said before the progression seems too fast from Harry thinking 'yeah, the Dark Arts could be useful' to 'let's stick Skelegrow down this guy's gullet for kicks'.

The final scenes from Harry getting out of Privet Drive to Slughorn's torture are pretty jarring - they don't really seem to slot in very neatly to the plot or make much sense. Why would Harry torture Slughorn? Sure, he wants the names of Death Eaters, but what for? What possible motivation could he have (apart from imbibing several glasses of whiskey) for not just waiting until the Order meeting?

If you wanted to go down the route of him going Dark fast, it might have linked in better to have him use the wand just lying there to disguise himself and brush up on his Cruciatus. Same effect (sans the death), and it would have reinforced his earlier thoughts about the Crucio he'd used on Bellatrix.

The bit with the portkey and the letter kind of look they should link together, such as Harry discovering when he wakes up that Dumbledore's pinched it or something, but nothing really happened with them. Similar thing with the book he picks up - if you have him flick through it and pick out the subject then it would make it a lot more interesting to look forward to. As it is, it left me thinking 'er...why's he just picked that up?'

So, nice solid writing style that holds it together, but there isn't really much direction in your plot at the moment to really hook me. It looks like it has decent potential, just needs a little tightening up in places. 3.5/5 until you post more.

 

Too early to say anything, but still looks promising. But are you sure you can keep it Independent Harry after a first chapter like that? It looks more dark than independent at the moment. And the short prologue managed to make absolutely no sense. You could have atleast given what sort of creature each character was just so that readers could understand a tad better.

Still early to say but I think 4/5

 

I was amused. This story looks like it has potential. I didn't spot any obvious cliches, but there wasn't something especially new. 4/5 for now. I'll be watching for this.

 

I noticed that even in the beginning of the chapter Harry wasn't cannon.

'A proper cup of tea is a fine thing, indeed.' - This is the sort of think Lucius Malfoy may say, but not Harry.

Other than that everything was fine and I can see that the story will turn out to be very interesting.

I think it's too early to rate this fic yet.