hey guys i have had this idea in my head for a while now so i decided to write a little tell me what you think, oh and i hope im in the right place to post this lol


Albus Dumbledore leaned heavily against the cold stone of the tower, his face ashen and weak, as towards him the killing curse of Severus Snape screamed. Albus began to call up ancient words of power within his mind and time itself seemed to slow down, the killing curse now moving towards him at a snails pace as his the words in his mind became stronger and more complex, the magic is those words coursing throughout his body, burning, pulling, squeezing and stretching all at the same time and as the words reached their climax time resumed its regular pace and the killing curse of Severus Snape streamed towards its target to end the life of only wizard Lord Voldemort ever feared.

The words of power held strong in his mind Albus Dumbledore looked towards the young man he in his mind called son, Harry Potter. A feeling of pride rose in him as he saw the boy who had not yet even begun to learn of his true power was fighting and slowly overcoming the charm he had placed on him to prevent him interfering with this moment. Their eyes met and under his breath Albus Dumbledore uttered his final words.

“I Will You My Power”

The killing curse struck sending the greatest wizard of the age tumbling off the great towers of Hogwarts. The words of power still coursing through him as his body fell until it struck the ground and a deep purple haze rose from his body before rising back through the air, back to the top of the tower and flew straight into the now alone and still frozen in place Harry Potter .

The charm broke and Harry was free, his sadness and rage fuelled by a power he did not know he possessed. With one last look at the spot Dumbledore had knelt not moments before he turned. Drew his wand and to flight after the one that murdered the closest thing he had to father.

 

Not positive since I don't write but this should probably be in fanfic discussion or work by author.

As for the idea, its okay i suppose but the grammar, spelling, and just general flow (or lack of) made even me cringe. That might get better if you had a beta but you should be able to pick up most of it by just rereading it.

Some examples of flow are, "as towards him the killing curse of Severus Snape screamed." Now I don't know if you were trying to be very sophisticated and failed or just didn't realize what it sounded like, but why not just go for something that reads better like " as the killing curse cast by Snape flew towards him." I'm not a writer so I probably won't give you the best advice, but at this point I think you need all the help you can get.

 

Its an all right concept, Dumbledore giving Harry his power, but the execution was lacking.

Dumbledore does not see Harry as a son... He may have a vested interest in him, and indeed have affection for him, but they never really knew each other well enough to get that close. As for Harry seeing Dumbledore as a father... That's just weird. He's old enough to be his great, great, great grandfather, never mind that Sirius took the place of a father figure before he died and from what I can remember he was without one for the rest of the series.

You've got a slight problem with grammar in places, like the giant run on sentence in the first paragraph, but its markedly better than your normal sentences. Try to write more like that in normal conversation, it'll help.

You also need to work out word placement. Like this sentence here:

It should be like this:

(Not the best I can think of, but I'm currently hungover so don't judge too harshly).

Also, this belongs in Fanfiction Discussion.

Aekiel

 

thanks guy i will take that into account when i rewrite it

 

Dumbledore is more of a Grandfather, instead of this you could have Dumbledore give his power as Harry needs it to overcome Voldemort.

Makes no sense whatsoever unless you re-read it.

"as the killing curse of Severus Snape sped towards him." Might be a little better.

 

You are putting too much attention on prose and not enough on story in my opinion.

It jut seems a bit forced.

 

noted i will give it a rewrite tomorrow

 

Intersting enough idea. Your writing could definitly use some polish, but it's better then most 'authors'.

And was this an intentional 'The Covenant' crossover or just a weird set of coincidences?

 

Ah, i knew i had seen that "i will you my power" thing somewhere thanks for reminding me where it came from.

 

Yeah, and originality is what is needed to succeed nowadays. At least when it comes to writing a fanfic.

The idea is pretty good, a way to uber Harry up before the final battle, but the flow was nonexistent and I agree that it seemed forced.

I would like to see the rewrite before I really judge it.

 

Well i guess i should look for a beta then, anyone interested?

 

I'm no good as a brit picker, but my grasp on English, punctuation, and phraseology is more than good enough.

 

well if your interested Pm me

 

greetings.. Lord Necalan, nice logo..

I see this post was posted Today .

Today when you have a very important exam..
For wich i wish you good look and i hope you pass,
even tho apperently u had better things to do
then rest and study for it

Your fan fiction seems very important as well, if not more .

I have some questions about that logo of yours about the color black,
is it true what it says there about you ?

Im really Personnaly Very Interrested

Looking forward in hearing from you

 

This post reminds me of a eleven-year-old!Harry/Snape smut fiction. It's excruciatingly painful, bloody, gratuitous; it makes you want to roam the streets with a jagged knife, slash open an innocent bypasser's belly, unwind their intestines and tie them to a tree, before setting the tree in fire. It makes your sanity waver, your stomach lurch and your nails dig into your palms, and there's this voice inside your head that cackles uncontrollably before shaking with hysterical sobs.

The only minor difference is that it's the English language getting assraped. Not Harry.


To Necalan: it would be awesome if you could put a little more effort in your posts as well. It's not that difficult to capitalise the I's, add the apostrophes at the right places and end your sentences with a period. It makes the whole thing so much less painful to the eyes.

As for your story idea, it would be an excellent premise to a powerful!Harry fiction. It should be more than just a premise, in fact. Would Dumbledore's spell be slightly messy, given his state of extreme weakness? Would he give Harry more than he wanted to -- memories, obsessions, nightmares, whatever? And what will Harry do with that power? I'd hate to see this become yet another Harry-becomes-powerful story. There are a lot of those, where the only thing that varies is the way Harry gains power. But I guess you have your ideas.

 

Nope, no real idea's or plot just a small nugget thats been my head for a while, i may take it further or i may just let someone else play with it.

And just so you know HeartAche is my Gf who for some reason has started posting on this site.

 

[Obligatory] There are no womenz on the internet [/obligatory]

 

Necalan, you have a girlfriend who seriously cannot write English? There are a fair number of foriegners on this forum, and the majority of them write more accurately than HeartAche does. I suggest letting her know that she should only post in threads when she has something developmental to add.

As for the fic idea. It could lead to something interesting. A boost of power - how would it change Harry. Will he accept it and move on or will be struggle with it. Will he manage to use it properly or will he have problems controlling it.