Chapter 3 is up. I did a review... not a flame, but given my mood, that was something of a miracle. I was highly critical.

Spoiler

Hmmm, here I am, reviewing again...

I quite liked chapter 2, with all the magical forensics and the killings from Marsh's POV... though the "headshot"s made laugh a little. I really don't think you should try to hit the head when you fire an AK. It kills you wherever it hits, and for things like that (poisoned arrows for example) the midsection is usually more the aim of choice, since the head is a bloody hard target to hit if the victim is moving. I know that you can argue that the AK probably *will* hit somebody in the crowd, but... it somehow ruined the authenticity of the killing scenes for me. Harry Potter is *not* an FPS shooter game, ffs.

The way Harry concludes that the killer is a Ministry worker is also full of holes. He could just have connections in the Ministry. An experienced Auror would hardly jump to conclusions like that... I myself would've thought that this is rather a misdirection.

Chapter 3: You start with Harry/Kingsley interaction, okay, good. I, however, felt that Doge got a little more screen time than warranted. We use secondary characters to spice up a story, okay. But you floated a story-question ["smiling coolly", for example. Why is Doge cool towards Harry? A question that probably never will be answered.] that doesn't *need* to be there. I dunno, but I just think that when you're transporting Harry to another world in the same chapter, another world with its own rules and OCs, introducing a new character at the beginning of the chapter is not that much of a good idea. So, unless you plan to show more of Doge in the other world (which I think you're going to: ditto for Lovejoy and Marsh, interesting villains both), or even in this world, he would be better left unmentioned.

The way Harry proposes to solve the problem, and I quote: “A complete sweep of the Ministry. Allow us to have every single last worker questioned – account for everyone. The killer will be the one man who is entirely unaccountable.” Thinking of this as a complete solution is ridiculous, as I pointed out before. As Harry acknowledges, a huge amount of time would have to be spent. It's necessary, maybe, but if I'm the Head Auror I'll look for a way to delegate the task and try to find *motives*. Harry doesn't show much of a detective skill here, which saddens me since I always think of him as someone who puzzles things out. He's too much of a thug.

*Five* unaccounted Ministry personnel? For a whole secret arm of the Government of a nation? Too small a number, seems to me... but I suppose Harry's only looking for established Ministry officials. It's hardly feasible that a low-salary paper-pusher would want him dead. Still, finding out exactly how many people were absent at that precise time and validating their excuses (after questioning them all, though Veritaserum works well as a Deus Ex Machina) would've taken a week in a muggle environment. I suppose magic does quicken things.

The motive of the killer should tell Harry that something is not right, though. If the killer had money/power enough to let loose thugs after him, it's not plausible that he'd let himself open to simple veritaserum, even if (as Harry supposes) he *wants* to be caught. Harry should've looked around for people who wouldn't be hampered by the truth potion, to wit, people who have allergies and things. Or who can't be interrogated easily. People with power / influence.

People like Marsh, perhaps? Or Lovejoy?

Nothing to say about the clock (Deus. Ex. Fukken. Machina. Make Harry carry a portable foe-glass, why don't you? No story will I ever write with the Weasley clock in it. This I swear.).

If Harry, on a murder investigation, is so easily 'intrigued' and 'derailed' by a king-n-queen myth, he deserves what's coming to him.

The ending:

"Ginny used her speed to launch herself at Harry’s forearm in a jump that would have made her coach proud. She thought she would miss him when...

...she caught his wrist!

But her forward momentum meant she couldn’t possibly stop. She couldn’t pull Harry back. She was going to die with him."

Sounds awkward. Also: I always thought that "taking an age to fall" was because the observer's mind slowing down in the face of horror. How does she cross 'meters' and catches Harry's wrist, given that she moves *after* the curse is launched?

Overall, the plot is good. The characters are good. However, it feels to me that you spent much too much detail showing us Harry's current world in the space of only three chapters. It would've been better either done in the first chapter (as I myself did, and so does almost everybody else) or *after* a couple more. This way feels inelegant and... almost *unfinished*. Unless it's for better explaining the new world Harry'll be in. I'm hoping, here.

I really *had* hoped for more from this world. And now I'll have to readjust myself to a whole new show. Damn you.

Overall: 4.2/5, down from 4.5 . You'll probably go up with the new chapter though. The fact that I'm in a mood to kill and still couldn't flame you is a point in favour of your story, believe me.

Update soon. So that I can write a better review.

Overall, could've been much better... still gets 4.2/5, mainly because the characters are bloody well-written and the fact that I expect MS to deliver the goods in the later chapters.

 

One thing left me a little confused. How was the arch retrieved if the Ministry Recon team was said to have perished? Is it the fact that the arch is outside of the gardens? It just felt a little awkward with that scene.

 

It says that the researcher's team was assumed to have perished, while the Ministry Recon team found him and the archway.

 

He's updated with chapter 4. Personally, I think the mechanism for bringing him to the new world was pretty smooth, and lacked the rather contrived nature of most similar plots.

 

Sree is definitely right that not a whole lot happened. Still I did like how this chapter is transitioning from the original world to the new one. Instead of the normal thing of saying <insert long incantation here> and insta-dimension travel, he shows how everything is playing out and what will be different about this new world.

 

I like this style of fiction so far. Just a quick little nuance that I'd like explained before I log off though - in Chapter 3, there's a section where Ginny has a permanent Portkey to Harry, where she speaks his name. Could you insert a valid reason in there [perhaps for future readers] as to why it doesn't go off every time she says his name?

It's a good fic, but I'm not going to rate it just yet.

 

Very nice, another piece of fiction courtesy of Master Slytherin. It's a bit early in the story to tell what he's going to do with the plot, and how/if Harry's going to confront Voldemort. In terms of getting Harry through the Veil, an actual well developed murder plot designed to eliminate the opposititon's support and curry favor all at once was unique. Not drastically so, but still relatively original. It's H/G, but it's well written and their interactions are semi-realistic, so I don't care that much. I look forward to seeing more, and rating this story once the plot builds up some momentum.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4083166/1/Ruin

Master Slytherin took down the original story and replaced it with an altogether different story.

According to his profile, he's finished it, so he's posting chapter by chapter.

 

I can confirm that he's finished it, having read it all

Basically, what he's done is taken Grapevine and split it up into a series of smaller novellas, rather that try to fit it all into one sprawling fic. The first novella is done, and I believe he's currently planning the second.

I'm not sure if a new thread should be made or not.

 

There already is a thread in For Review.

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=10171

I vote for deletion of this thread, or merging the two.

 

I think this thread stands well enough on it's own.

If the rewrite is substantially different, which I think it is, then this review thread has value as one of the few sources of info on the original Grapevine. The thread would be neatly complemented by the original fic held in the DLP archives.

I don't think this thread should be deleted or merged. Leave it as is with a link to the rewrite, Ruin.

Edit: Actually, adding a big, colourful message at the top of the OP with a link to the rewrite and a note that the original is deleted would be a good idea. Hopefully it will deter accidental necros