Time for Independence by Black's Phoenix - T

Zevrillion · Oct 24, 2005

Title: Time for Independence
Author: Black's Phoenix
Rating: T
Category: General
Summary: AU: After the events of OOTP it is time for Harry to take control of his life with the aid of a few people. Will be HarryNarcissa and a couple of other girls with him.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2426698/1/

One of the better HP stories I have read lately.

Andro · Aug 4, 2009

I'm inclined to be favorable to this story since it's Harry/Narcissa. But this writing is extremely poor.

The stock descriptions are boring, the characterizations are all flat, and the dialogue is stilted.

“Come on Harry we need to walk a block or two before we call the night bus,” said Kingsley underneath an invisibility cloak. “Just so that Mrs. Figg doesn’t know that you have left the area mind you now come on lets hurry. Better to be there early instead of late.
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And the concept of marriage contracts is used.

1/5

This is one of those stories with good intentions, but is written by someone who completely lacks the skill to pull it off.

darklordmike · Aug 18, 2009

Agreed. It's bad. There's no justification whatsoever for Narcissa deciding to help Harry, except for the fact that she's grieving the loss of Sirius and 'doesn't want to lose any more family.' Right.

Even worse is the characterization of Dumbledore, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. We learn that the trio spied on Harry for Dumbledore for a year, and....that's it. No justification. No convincing explanation. Everyone's actions and motives are two-dimensional.

1.5/5

Scrittore · Aug 20, 2009

Alright, so it's 14 chapters but I believe to be abandoned. Seems to be enough to review fully though.

One of the biggest surprises was the fact that the letter he received was from Narcissa Black, formerly Narcissa Malfoy. She was Sirius’ youngest cousin and he never really knew her because she was a couple of years behind the Marauders in school. Inside of the letter it explained how she had enough of losing family members and that it was time for her to do something about the situation.
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Uh, didn't she hate Sirius like the rest of the Death Eaters? Honestly, just because their family doesn't mean she loves them or even cares about them. So I chalk that up to piss poor plotting in trying to get Narcissa obviously with Harry.

Remus closed the door and took a seat before he began by saying, “Harry there are some things that you need to know and unfortunately some of them are things that you are going to hate. Last year Ron, Hermione, and Ginny began spying on you and reporting to Dumbledore about things concerning you. Now neither Sirius nor I knew anything about this. Only Dumbledore, those three, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley knew about this taking place.”

Harry’s blood was beginning to boil. His supposed friends had betrayed him. They had tossed away his friendship so easily just because the headmaster wanted them to help him.
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So Remus, how did you find out about it? Any explaination as to why they did this? Money? Books for Hermione? Didn't like Harry's haircut? Mind enslaving lemon drops?

“I got Tonks, Moody, and Kingsley of the Order to promise that they would watch over you while I am away. None of them will betray you to the headmaster because they all have there own reasons.”
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And you know this how? And what reasons?

He tossed Harry a wand holster that strapped on his forearm. “Strap it on and come over here so that way I can charm it so that nobody will know that it is there. Don’t worry even if someone manages to discover that it is there they can’t withdraw it through magic… so they have to take it out of the holster physically.
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Ugh, a wand holster. What is he? Dirty Harry now? Does the author have this in mind for Harry dealing with Death Eaters? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBKuSlPiWnw&feature=related

“Nothing that I can tell you Harry,” said Kingsley “but that is only because this person wanted to introduce themselves to you and not let you hear there name before hand.”

“Damn,” thought Harry. “I take it this person has some important things to discuss with me and would rather make sure that I am there in person to discuss these matters.”
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Wow, can that excuse get anymore lame? Hey Harry, you ever think for a moment that maybe Kingsley drew you out of the Dursley's to bring you to Voldemort maybe? I mean jeez, this Harry isn't that bright.

To say that Harry was shocked would be an understatement. He could not believe that he had just heard her say that it was Bellatrix that got the information out of Kreacher about where Sirius was living. This only served to infuriate Harry at the fact that not only had she killed Sirius but it was her that had given the information about where Sirius was to Voldemort.

It must have been showing because the next thing Harry heard Narcissa say was, “I know that you are mad at her but listen. She was cut really deeply by Sirius leaving the family and I know that she never meant to kill him. She will never admit the fact but Sirius was her favorite cousin and her being in Azkaban damaged her. All I ask of you is to not kill her if you can, just capture her without the ministry knowing. I do not want to lose anymore of my family."
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Aww, what about all those crimes beforehand? Let me guess? Mind Control? Misunderstood? Teenage Angst? Give me a fucking break.

“Well there is one way that could guarantee you getting everything as well as becoming an adult. You have no magical guardian and because of that paper you had your muggle guardian’s sign you are allowed to get married,” said Narcissa. “Now at Gringotts I discovered that because you did not get adopted into the Black family you will need at least two wives and I have a proposal for you that will solve a large part of your problems.”
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Ooo oooo *rings buzzer* Who are Narcissa and Bellatrix for 1,000 Alex?

“Yes I am basically twice your age being 32 myself, the youngest of my family, but physical age is of little importance to me because from all that you have been through you really are older then that. Now as to why I would want to be married to you?” said Narcissa. “It is really quiet simple from what I have heard you are a person who stands by the people you care about and would fight hell for them, but that is not the only reason. You are also an honorable individual, which I am sorry to say I would not meet at my age because people already know me to well.”
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For all you know he could be a serial killer who bites the heads off of chickens. Besides, you're the one who got knocked up when you were 17.

“This potion may only be taken once by a person or it will kill them no matter how long ago it has been used by that person. It is very expensive, and there are no more known makers of this in the world. It would decrease my age by ten years so that I would be 23 instead of 33.”
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How cliche, boring, and just wrong. I want to say FUUUUUUUU to this fic right about now.

“Alright we need to talk about a couple of things since I know that we are going to be married,” said Narcissa. “First I want to ask if you have heard of the art of Occulemency.”
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Oh boy, does he get a utility belt next? How about inheritance to a bunch of families and marrying a bunch of psychopaths in their 20's?

“That is one of the things that I will be teaching you this summer,” said Narcissa with a gleam in her eye. “Along with Occulemency I will teach you how to dance, which will be needed, how to run your finances, and how to be a perfect gentleman.”
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HE'S FIFTEEN. HE'S FIFTEEN. HE'S FIFTEEN. Jeez.

Chapter five, nothing happens, no really, nothing happens that advances the plot.

“I had a feeling that you might be the one for that core Mr. Potter. It is rare to have a composite core but then again you are a rare wizard.”

“What exactly is the core going to be made from, I mean I didn’t think that two magical cores could be compatible,” said Narcissa.

“It is highly unusual but it is possible. Now the items that make up this core are the heartstrings of a Chinese Fireball that is wrapped by a Unicorn hair,” said Mr. Ollivander. “It is an unusual combination but they do make a very powerful wand.”

“Ok,” said Harry as he took in this information. “Now what about the wood that will make up the wand and how do we determine the length?”

“For the length all I need to do is have you touch this piece of wood and I will cast a spell which will match your new wand core and your magical aura to an appropriate wand length, and as for the wood it is just another spell that checks the core to the woods in the shop.”

“Alright that seems simple enough,” said Harry.

Within ten minutes the process was finished and it was determined that Harry’s new wand would be 11 and 3/8ths inches with a maple exterior.

“The price will be 25 galleons for the wand Mr. Potter and I should have it done with an hour or so if you would be able to pick it up at that time,” said Mr. Ollivander.
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I had a feeling this bullshit would be written into such a cliche story dear writer.

Lord Potter + Lord Black + Marriage Contracts = Facepalm

So Rico Suave err Harry and Parvati go on a date after they run into each other in the Alley..Bella shows up at the house, and Narcissa ends up forcing her to stay.

Well I got through eight chapters out of the 14, but could no longer take it. The regular cliche story with two-dimensional characters who are forced from place to place. Regular cliches with no originality at all. This story gets a 1/5 and a swift kick from the Library in my opinion.

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Time for Independence by Black's Phoenix - T

Zevrillion Founder Retired Staff

Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

darklordmike Headmaster

Scrittore Groundskeeper

Phoenix Rising by psychochick1 - M

Harry Potter and The Phoenix Wrath by Mister Bigbucks - M

Abandoned The Father by black-phoenix-warrior - M

The Phoenix and the Serpent by ReaderRavenclaw - K+

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Time for Independence by Black's Phoenix - T

Zevrillion Founder Retired Staff

Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

darklordmike Headmaster

Scrittore Groundskeeper

Phoenix Rising by psychochick1 - M

Harry Potter and The Phoenix Wrath by Mister Bigbucks - M

Abandoned The Father by black-phoenix-warrior - M

The Phoenix and the Serpent by ReaderRavenclaw - K+

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