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Complete Time, Mr. Potter? - By Tw15ted - M

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Twisted, May 8, 2008.

  1. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    I always hated insane!MainCharacter and it's definitely going this way. Quite a shame too, as it was one of few enjoyable to read ruthless!Harrys.
     
  2. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    I debated making him go a stronger with this, but in the end I reasoned that Scrimgeour is a soldier/fighter - he knows what has to be done has to be done. And by this point in the fic he's essentially ordered the deaths of so many people he knows he just has to keep going and going and going to stop Voldemort winning and bringing in far, far worse.

    I would say he's gone so far now he's lost sight of where he has begun.

    Everyone is so quick to write fics off, I find. Wait until the dust clears at the end before you make the judgements ;)

    Thanks for the comments, guys and girls.
     
  3. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    You certainly can't call someone with a voice in their head constantly telling them to "kill!" sane. Same goes for a person who blacks out only to find out they apparently feasted upon a dead body. And if you can't call someone "sane"... Well, "insane" seems to be right term.

    I'm not writing this fic off, I'm just stating that I hate where it currently seems to be going.
     
  4. Ame River

    Ame River First Year

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
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    SF Bay Area, California
    Used "draconian" twice in the opening paragraphs of the chapter - once in the paper saying the ministry already was it, and once Scrimgeour saying he might have to resort to it. A little incongrous is all since it's an unusual word.

    ???

    I actually liked the Scrimgeour/Dumbledore interaction pretty well.

    I don't really remember how Snape/Harry interaction has gone if there's been any at all in this story, but since Snape seems to be genuinely one of the "good guys" it's a little odd that Harry is so... brutal. We don't even get a scene before or after (well, yet) explaining what he really wanted, why/how he picked Snape, etc.

    I'm still not crazy about zombie!Harry but it is taking an interesting direction - it was neither an extremely original way to make Super!Harry nor just a random zombie-fest. It'd be nice in the next couple chapters to have more time inside Harry's head and/or on his shoulder to see how his personality has changed and why, what he's thinking when he does things like attack Snape. The other thing is that I assume there's a reason why Harry became a zombie in terms of the story, and this hasn't become clear yet. I'll reserve final judment until that is revealed.

    Not trying to tell anyone how to write their story, but I think perhaps part of the reason so many people keep making assumptions is because you don't use very much foreshadowing. It seems like often when a story is coming up to a big revelation or event there are little ripples spreading out both before and after the main event. One example where you did do this is with Dumbledore's notes leading up to the necromancy (although you haven't explained why he thought he might need to raise Harry from the dead - with most people that just wouldn't *occur* to them). But for example, we have this zombie Harry, and like I said before I assume there's eventually going to be one specific part of Harry being a zombie that's significant. But we don't really have any hints towards that, and he's not really trying to figure out why certain things about his condition are the way they are.

    Not sure that makes sense, but...
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2009
  5. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    You seem to have missed a reference to Draco getting Lucius' head by owl post - this will be elaborated on later, but it was in Chapter 24 I think (Can't even remember my own fic off the top of my head!)

    See Chapter 26

    Chapter 26 :D

    It wasn't directly zombie ressurection, it will be explained in greater detail in later chapters.

    Thanks for the comments guys, I love the fact people care enough about my fic to pick it apart :D. Everyone in it is trying to get the edge on one another, so everything is rushing towards a final conclusion. Muggles, Voldemort, The Order, Harry... who comes out on top is still very much up in the air.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2009
  6. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    Apologies for the double post, but just to say Chapter 26 is now up, and 27 is in the works.

    Thanks for reading, anyone who does :D
     
  7. mknote

    mknote 1/3 of the Note Bros. DLP Supporter

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    Just read it, quite enjoyed it (I put a 4/5 rating, for the record). I'm wondering, though, if we're going to see a reunion between Harry, Ron, and Hermione. That'll be interesting.
     
  8. Agnostics Puppet

    Agnostics Puppet Professor

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    lol. You know what Im looking forward to in the next chapter? Voldemorts protego versus a tank main canon round.
     
  9. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    Chapter 27 should be live now, hope you all enjoy it. 1K words shorter than my normal, blame the chapter focus and the fact its 30 degrees outside and I just finished school.

    Finale is rolling up now.
     
  10. Juggler

    Juggler Death Eater DLP Supporter

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    It felt like nothing happened. What a tease.
     
  11. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    Nothing did, really, I just wanted to do a whistle stop tour of the supporting cast.

    Chapter 28, however, WILL have stuff happening.
     
  12. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    Apologies for the double post, I'm a shameless shamless bumper.

    Chapter 28 has just been uploaded (might take up to 30 mins to appear, according to FF.net, but whatever).

    Has more happening in it, and the finale begins. The three main locations all have their action kicking off simultaneously, and next chapter the final battle gets into full swing.

    I hope you enjoy it, although again it is a bit on the short side (4.4K words). So far the next chapter is at 3K words and I'm nowhere near finishing it, so expect it to be longer! However I'm still on holiday and work experience is looming, so my writing time will be curtailed by (shudder) adult responsibilities.

    Despite this, I do hope you guys have fun reading it.
     
  13. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    I tried to edit my previous post and found I was unable to - irritating as I wanted to say chapters 29 and 30 are now up. Action packed finale has kicked off, ladies and gentlemen. Going to be four chapters long, and include a fair bit of fanservice, as well as tying up plot points (How the magical signatures worked when he was detected in Devon, why Dumbledore prepared a necromantic spell, etc etc.)

    I hope you all like it - writing a ruthless!Harry is pretty fun, as is writing a Voldemort who can kick arse and take names, while not being some untouchable god.

    Thirty One is going to be the clashing of the two strands from 29+30, and then the Big Bad Showdown. Enjoy!

    (it seems I skipped posting about Chapter 29, or someone deleted the double post - I would appreciate a mod merging these posts rather than have me blather on for multiple postings, this is a triple post already, which is something I don't particularly want or desire) - Twisted
     
  14. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

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    I eagerly waited for this one to updated. And then I started ignoring the updates for a few days. And then I waited for boredom to kick in before I read the newest chapters. It's starting to seem too rushed, and a little anti-climactic. Still a solid 4 but I had to bitxh a little.
     
  15. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    Care to elaborate more than "rushed"?

    Did I skip too quickly to the finale, wrapped things up too flimsily, etc etc?
     
  16. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

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    The twists (excuse the pun) are starting to come too close together. Each new development is seen and then it's a move to the next without any chance to digest and possibly think the consequences of each through.
     
  17. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage ~ Prestige ~

    Joined:
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    I am not too crazy about that Zombie-Harry thing but until now, it has played rather nicely. I had thought that maybe Dumbledore would sacrifice himself to get Harry back but this isn't too bad either. Really good writing. So I give this story a solid 4/5 and look forward to see more of it.
     
  18. Twisted

    Twisted Guest

    Its been a while, so a bit of a shameless bump here. Chapter 33 is very nearly complete, and Chapter 32 has been out for a while.

    I'm plagued by two problems:

    1) FF.net's appalling fucking formatting, removing every single attempt at a goddamn scene break I've tried.

    2) An anonymous flamer making me rage, I left a minirant at the end of 32 as frankly, fuck him. I'm normally uncaring of this - heck I've had 3-4 flamers on my story, and DLP people aren't always friendly - but goddamn it was reviews on like 6 chapters in a row, pointing out 'flaws' which just weren't there, and suggesting 'better versions' of the plot which were just retarded. Ground my gears.


    Also - in the recycle bin? I'm wounded DLP, I really am. :p
     
  19. Tinn Tam

    Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

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    Either try a succession of hyphens -- that used to work for me -- or use FFN's document-editing tool: you can insert a line to break scenes.


    EDIT:
    It ain't gonna change any time soon if you don't tell us where to put it, now that it's reached the 3.5/5 mark...

    Proper Posting Format: making mods' lives easier since 2005.
    (Alternative slogan: Because I'm way too lazy to read your stuff myself.)

    Re-edit: Although... maybe, when I've slept a few hours more and look back, I'll notice you did add Time Travel to your first post. And we do have Time Travel as a category. Voilàvoilàvoilà.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2009
  20. Maro

    Maro Third Year

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2008
    Messages:
    109
    Location:
    UK
    First few chapters were a bit rocky in my opinion- some of the characters dialog wasn't entirely what I expected, but its been much better later on.

    Personally I don't like the way scene breaks are done...or aren't done. As in one sentence you're in one POV and one location and then the next you're in a totally different place. No lines or anything indicating a change can be a tad confusing.

    Also there's a huge absence of perspective from Ron/Hermione or any of the students...which I suppose I can understand as they're so young and probably irritating, but its just not there at all, even if it would be annoying. These absences just make it seem a little rushed to me.

    Couple small insignificant type things I noticed as I was reading: I think in the Hogsmeade fight scene Harry was hit by a killing curse but apparently being hit in the arm doesn't count? That's a bit odd. Also you said the PM was a head of state- he's not, just a head of government. I know its kind of unimportant, I just noticed...

    But yeah, overall I think this is a 4/5. After the first 4 or 5 chapters its definitely better than some of the other stuff in the library, so shouldn't be in the bin imo.

    Good work!
     
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