I like this story but I'm not going to lie. When it ends I'll be much happier for the fact that there'll be a Bungle sequel forthcoming than I will be for the fact that this story will be concluded.

Now remember, that's not to say I don't like it, it's just that when your started it your writing was much weaker and the fact of the matter is that the start of the fic is burdened by poor writing and poor plot choices on your part and the back end is weighted down by the course you've set.

Plus I see no realistic way that two teenagers, especially two teenagers with the emotional baggage of Harry and Susan, could ever make a marriage work long term. It'd end in a long, resent filled and loveless marriage or a messy divorce within a few years in any sort of realistic scenario (and don't quote any crap about successful arranged/young marriages in the past at me, they had a very different standard for a healthy relationship back then which most people these days wouldn't much enjoy). Though you've shown a willingness to be cruel to your characters, great job with the Ginny torture by the way, so I still hold hope for a result of this nature.

 

Thanks for the comments. This week I am adding chapter 6 of The Lie I've Lived - about 2/3 done at the moment. I'll be back to chapter 36 of this one next week.

Jim

 

Ok here is the collection of typos and errors I found while re reading this.

Chapter 1

Use didn’t it reads better.

Using words works better in my opinion rather than numbers

Numbers again

Chapter 2

Numbers

I believe you mean cousin. Sirius only had one brother. Bella is his cousin.

Scene breaks is the early chapters are needed to. And something to show changes of perspective. Like between the arrival of the auror team and harrys thoughts.

Wouldn’t not would not works better in speech.

Chapter 3

I’m not positive but I think it is Bones’ not Bones’s

I’m not I am

I have never meet a person who speaks like this naturally.

One not on.

Again not a natural way to speak. Even for a british person that sounds odd.

That’s a great bit.

You’re strong Susan.

Chapter 4

Sirius not Sirus

I’m sorry

Area or aura needs to be placed before around

You’re

I’d be happy to

If not it

Them no the

Inch not in

Chapter 5

Either he read wrong or you screwed up. Latter we see Umbridge is not in jail.

Remove had

Sirius not Sirus.

Chapter 6

I’m instead of I am again. A few more of them in the nest few sentences to.

Remember scene breaks

I’m pretty sure he could already see them

And “was” leaving.

I’ll take you

Here not hear

Ok I’m going to stop listing all the “I am” rather than I’m since there is a lot of them. Just read the dialog and it is very obvious. It is very unnatural to talk like that especially for young people. I does pull away from the dialog quite a bit.

Needed

Do you refer to your cousins as “cousin Jim” either add “My” before cousin or remove cousin.

“I’ll go with you” and “we’re still taking notes.”

They’ll be careful

Chapter 7

I have purposely left some of the more formal speech out of this report as I think it fits while being usd in certain circumstances and people.

Numbers again. Maybe it’s just me but I do prefer words. It looks better.

How had she’s got it.

Harry if he’s in a better mood

I figure I’d come up

I’ve already

Chapter 8

I’ll go

It’s a bit

Ok so this is probably just me but I hate that name.

Royal not Roya

Chapter 9

Who’s going to

Going to make me some

He’ll not he will in usual speech

You’re a good influence

They’ll kill you

I’d have made them

I figured we’d made it

She didn’t

Chapter 10

Words instead of numbers

Rocky shore and hovered

Desks not desk

Dropped A quick

You left out a speech mark.

Chapter 11

I am pretty sure there isn’t a comma in hell

Chapter 12

I don’t know what scams are but I think screams would work better

I think you meant one not on

Chapter 13

Doesn’t and Didn’t

I’ll let

I think you need to add something to the end of this sentence.

I am aware you are speaking of the memory Harry here so saying “The” is acceptable but I would suggest putting “the memory Harry” or “The pensive Harry”

Couldn’t

Chapter 14

The either is not necessary

He simply held her in his arms

Chapter 15

For more background on his encounters

Needs a coma after “her”

That was a day ago not that mourning.

Chapter 16

This is a combination of me wanting to find something wrong in this chapter and a pet peeve of mine. How many bloody zones does that clock have?

Chapter 17

Percys vile insult what? Pushed them over the edge? Needs something added to the end of the sentence.

I say send her back

The first comma isn’t needed

Mixed results to get Penny to describe

Severus would be what?

Whats a dalliance?

Universe isn’t a capital letter.

Chapter 18

Closed and slashed.

I’ll kill you

That’s not a question.

I don’t like that bit at all. I can understand Voldemort not being as fanatical about purebloods as he is portrayed in canon but to totally dismiss it? I think it’s shown he does have a strong favor to pure bloods as a dislike to muggleborns. He may not want to wipe them out but he would want to subjugate.

Chapter 19

Two not tow

“this” isn’t needed

Don’t need the last speech mark.

Chapter 20

Sentence doesn’t flow well. He had a heavy Italian accent.

Them not him.

They saw not Madame Pomprey

Chapter 21

He had to stay out of the giants reach

Chapter 22

How do you miss an arm bad? Is it possible to miss it good?

Some nameless

Chapter 23

I believe there was three muggles Zabini and Comptom that’s five people not three.

Chapter 24

Nothing

Chapter 25

Years

Doesn’t read right. Start with “There was ominous”

Chapter 26

Nothing

Chapter 27

Remove the injured.

Chapter 28

Random period.

Chapter 29

I’m not sure if that was intentional or if you meant “a Malfoy”

How much land did Aberforth own? Albus already gave some to Fred for his business.

Chapter 30

Doesn’t flow

Chapter 31

Nothing

Chapter 32

Bordering not borders

First we isn’t needed

Thing not think

Wouldn’t his wand be in his hand?

Chapter 33

In general I think you went to far with the Jamaican accent. Fluers and Hagrids accents are easy to read and flow. Reading your attempt at Jamaican needed a second and even third reading sometimes to understand it. This takes away from the flow of the story and is not good at all. After you get what is being said it sound authentic but it is to hard to read.

The sheets of parchment

Trixie will be able to move freely

I need you to get something

Here not her

Don’t need the first the

Chapter 34

Nothing

Chapter 35

But the tie is too strong. I’m not sure if you left that out on purpose to show her diminished capacity but if not…

Fin

Fucking hell. That took about 2 weeks of having no fanfiction to read. Ok so now that I’ve gone through it I’ll give my report.

Well considering this is the first fanfition you have written and are still writing I can defiantly see you have improved. But that shows just from the amount of error in the first chapters and the fewer number in the latter. But that could just be AFC.

Ok Reading this as a whole your biggest weakness is dialog. To put it bluntly it reads as if it was written by a 15 year old. You have advanced plot points and an intricate story line with many subplots (Maybe to many but I’ll get to that latter)

As I pointed out your dialog has gotten better but it still has major flaws in it. It gets the point across which I suppose is the main thing. It lacks life and a certain realism. Now I am by far an expert on this and have no idea of the correct terminology all I know is what I read and what I like.

You constantly use phrases like “You are” and “I am” instead of “You’re” and “I’m”. It is very formal and while it can work in speeches and by people like Dumbledore and Voldemort in teenagers and even Remus and Tonks it is very unrealistic and distracting. Dialog should flow very easily. If you have to stop and reread something or think about dialog it fails.

It has gotten better in the latter chapters which is probably a combination of you getting better and AFC. But in a few cases I could tell you wrote a block of dialog trying to get a point across to us the reader with out considering it was a human speaking. It’s not just the formal use of wording but the whole structure of it. I’m can’t be bothered going back (Again) to find examples of this but it is in most of your dialog when one character speaks for any length of time. I know you have been given the advise to read out loud dialog and I really think this helps a lot.

Ok now on to your description of events.

I did copy this one piece while reading since it was a good example of it.

He heard a scream and a wet slapping sound. Harry braked and landed where he thought the body would be. Several Finite Incantems later a gory mess of what used to be a human being appeared. “Accio Broom!” Harry said gesturing into the forest. He felt a resistance to the spell. Walking into the forest he followed the feeling of resistance. It was either pinned or had anti-summoning charms placed on it. He found the broom. Casting a quick light spell, he found it was indeed a firebolt. A Bulgarian Flag and the name Piotr Levski were engraved on a custom handgrip. He remembered the name Levski from Krum’s team. He had been a chaser.

Eight times you used the word “he” there and that’s just and example of something you do a lot. As I said I am by far an English expert but this reads horribly. This is what I meant by you write like a 15 year old. It is a very immature way to form a sequence of events (Now I’m just parroting what my high school English teacher told me once) It is annoying to read and very poor writing. I know you have a very good vocabulary from reading your stories which makes me wonder why this is even an issue.

Another example of that which I recall was the Goblin Death match.

Those I think are your biggest faults as a writer.

Now to this story.

I know it has gotten a lot of flack lately from… well a lot of people. So heres what I think are a few things that could improve it in MY opinion. Which is probably going to be different to other peoples.

Ok so firstly it’s to damn long. You have 4 or 5 more chapters to go and as it is and it is a long slog.

So if you went back to re write it (Which I doubt you will but still…) I would split this into 2 stories. Why you decided to write Bugle as a 2 parter and not this baffles me since they have a similar time line except this one is even more drawn out. You could have split it right after the Snape fight. We would have been left with Harry sitting on the brink on going dark/insane. You could have given a little more detail to the DE’s rain of chaos over Britain (Not to much just make it clear that they are hitting the muggle world hard, and beyond the capability of the Ministry to stop). We would have seen Harry growing as a person only to face one challenge to many and maybe snap. Dumbledore is still out of monnision from his fight and things look bleak all around. We would see Voldemort land a big blow to Britain and we’d be left with a decent sized story.

Your next installment could have dealt with Harry’s inner turmoil a bit more (I always felt you rushed that, again don’t ask me what you could have done since I don’t know but I as a reader didn’t like it) You could have added some more of the school dynamic to the story. I know I recommended it before but a a few scenes from Draco’s POV in the Slytherin common room could have added a lot to the second half of the story. There have been 9 murders at this school as all you give us is “A nervous energy” not particularly realistic or satisfying. I wont re write it since it is only a few pages back I fleshed that idea out and the rational behind it.

With it split in two the story would have had a far better dynamic.

A lot of the criticism that’s floating about this story lately is it has gotten boring… and it has a bit. Sure there a small events like Crabb being killed and stuff but not the intensity of the first half of the story. By splitting it right after the Snape fight the second story could have started easily with all this build up you have been doing. No one really expects the start of a story to be action packed. The inner turmoil of Harry going dark and beating it while Neville fails (Nice parallel by the way) would have been far more effective as a separate entity. As it is it is rather dull after the intensity of Killing Snape and Dumbledores loss to Voldemort and the rampage across Britain.

Another point of this story is you have tried to do too much. If you just look at this story as an exercise in writing and you don’t mind too much about it’s over all readability that’s fine. But if you want this to be a stand alone story that people can read end to end and really enjoy its to fat. Numerous times I have read your notes where you have said “Of I did that to piss off the H/Hr shippers” or “I put that in since that’s always annoyed me in other stories” which is fine if you want to have a dig at something but not for a quality story. It can get a chuckle and a knowing smirk but it doesn’t really add that much to it and over all it takes away from it. One of the things I have read people criticize JKR for is her poor use of secondary and tertiary characters. You have this problem to but in a different way. You say you like to give people personality before you kill them like in the case of Crabb (Or is it Goyle… can’t remember). True you do but it seems very put on. Cho already has an established personality but you do nothing with her really apart from a passing segment while you flesh out all these other characters just to kill them.

Also while you have done a good job of showing Harry and Susan having fights I feel that the times they are together and happy are to fluffy. How many times has this guy reduced her to tears? How many times has he said just the right thing?

I don’t know maybe the fact that I haven’t had a relationships that’s lasted over 6 months clouds my judgment on this but from what I’ve seen relationships aren’t that sweet. I don’t mind Harry being more romantic than he should, with his upbringing he should have major issues. It’s just that while they are on good terms (Which isn’t always) it’s to fluffy.

I’m not going to add all the bits I didn’t like because I know it isn’t relevant to the story over all and is just my personal preference. These are the points that I feel effect the over all quality of the fic for everyone. But if I did get one wish it would have been for you to fucking blast Peter Abbott… the fucker deserved it so much.

I personally hope Neville survives. As it is I don’t really like that plot arc as I feel it could have been done better but I just like the idea of him getting away with it all. Or at the very least goes down with a bang as he poisons the whole of Slytherin.

The one really good point of this story though is Voldemort. He is the best character in this story by far. I can find fault with the way you wrote just about everyone in this story at some point but the only thing I don’t like about Voldemort is you took away his Blood purity mantra.

Over all it starter well but seems to drag on because of a combination of reasons. Even at the moment it’s not bad… it’s just not particularly good. You have good original plot ideas and your writing skills have obviously improved over the course of this story. You dialog lets you down as does you description of events.

Well that’s all I can think of now. I know there were other points I thought of while reading that I have forgotten… oh well maybe latter.

 

Chapter 36 Author's Notes

And another one (chapter) bites the dust... I agree with many of the points TEAOS had above. I probably should have split the story in two ending on the Snape Death scene. Either way what's done is done so on we go!

Scene 1 - Yeah, Ginny's dead, but the good news is she has more character in this chapter than in book 7! Sorry couldn't resist.

Neville's house of cards starts to topple. I enjoyed writing Pansy and Daphne in this chapter.

Scene 2 - Harry gets pushed around a bit in this chapter by Tonks as she tries to curb his urge to run head first into danger. Things go from bad to worse for Neville's plans as a certain necklace is noticed.

Scene 3 and 4 - Coedus is trying to salvage this situation. He needs Neville's err body, but it looks like he's going to be the fall guy err vampire.

Scene 5 - The Minister isn't having a very good day either.

Scene 6 - There is a thin line between conviction and insanity. Neville's pretty far over that line right about now.

Scene 7 - Well, at least Lord Voldemort is having a good day. Although, he does get a nasty little curse and Percy gets a tiny bit of payback.

Scene 8 - Daphne and Tracey are becoming more popular these days. I hope you enjoyed my take on them.

Scene 9 - The Minister is still alive and has taken a trip through the looking glass.

Scene 10 and 11 - I wondered what death on the Marauder's Map would look like. You might be wondering how Neville could get the drop on a room full of Slytherins like that, but in the end, they're just children and just as prone to panic as anyone else.

Draco versus Neville - I've joked that they were riffs on different styles of Indy Harry stories. It looks like Financially independent free of all ties destroys the shattered lost them all so I'll kill em all - this time. Expect more Harry in the next chapter as I've gotten rid of the Neville storyline so to speak.

Jim

 

Good times. Poor Neville never really had a backup plan--or any plan other than flying under the radar as the hapless Neville Longbottom.

Really, before you enslave somebody using dark magic you need to figure out your exit strategy. Having Pansy carry around a suicide note blaming Draco for everything might have muddied the waters enough to allow him to get away. That sort of crazy "charge in and kill everybody" plan only works if you're Harry Potter after being sent to Azkaban.

 

Neville is awesome. For some reason, this reminded me of the last scene from Scarface. "You think you can kill me?! Fuck you!" Great.

 

Fun.
Too bad Draco didn't accompany Neville. Can't wait for the backlash...

 

Was a bit confusing. Moved rather quickly. =/

 

A brilliant chapter, the backlash over Neville's actions is great. The most interesting thing in this chapter is Narcissa's plan it seems she is a true Slytherin she always does things that ensue her survival.Your story is a great one Jbern. I can't wait for the next update.

 

Thanks. Chapter 37 is now up. I'm a bit rushed to jump into author's notes, so I'll just say that I appreciate advice on this story.

Hopefully, the person (I think it was TEAOS) who commented that the school should be at a flashpoint is reasonably satisfied.

In many stories everyone else sees that Dumbledore is a faded has-been. Not too many have him thinking it. I hope you enjoyed that.

Pansy Parkinson-Longbottom? Why not? Just because she couldn't free herself didn't mean she couldn't have a plan.

Narcissa always looks out for number 1. Yes, she's a bad girl gone good, but at the heart - she's still a bad girl.

Expect Harry to remain at the center of the story from here on out.

Jim

 

Not bad not bad. How many more chapters are left? Just curious. Narcissa I can see doing that. She is a survivor. Notice that she is the only Black left.

 

It should end at chapter 40.

Actually, Tonks and her mother are still left as well. I guess Ted counts too as Married to a Black.

Jim

 

The Neville Longbottom arc has just finished.

I personally think that it was a fucking tragedy, mainly from the potential that the idea had and the absolutely botched up execution. Neville Longbottom could have been the archetype of the tragic hero, one whose actions are morally condemnable but with whom the reader sympathizes. One like George Milton in the story Of Mice and Men. This idea could've made your story epic; the sub-plot could've competed with the characterization of Voldemort as something to recall when thinking about this fic. But the most important thing for it to work was for Neville to be written as a GOOD GUY. And Neville was not written as a GOOD GUY. He was written shallowly - far too superficially for an author of your skill. Worse, his thoughts were very reminiscent of the Evil!Dumbledore type characters that we at DLP deplore. Thus, in this way, one of the most promising sub-plots in Harry Potter fanfiction was utterly annihilated: turned from what could've been a great secondary tale into unnecessary, uninteresting filler.

Taking a look at one part of the story (the last thoughts of Neville), I offer some suggestions. At the end, you should've spent far more than just a short paragraph on Neville's feelings. You should've had him remember all the atrocities the Death Eaters had ever committed - the blank looks of his parents, the death of his grandmother, the destruction of so many houses by Voldemort, the constant insults hurled by the children of Death Eaters who knew that they could never be punished for their actions, the monsters they would grow up to be, ad infinitum. But instead Neville was made into a villain readers would love to hate. I'd bet that you, as an author, even had fun writing him like that. It's fun to make up a guy readers love to hate. But that type of writing has ruined too many stories to count; it's the type of writing that creates the teacherbev's of fanfiction - writers who purposely decrease their quality to appeal to the crowd.

Regarding criticisms as a whole, I kind of agree with most of TEAOS's comments. In any case, most of the criticisms of your fic have already been aired out, and I don't want to be repetitive. On the other hand, you've definitely added more suspense to the writing, and I do greatly admire your story. Take any lack of comments by me about your stories as a compliment on another fine chapter, which is why I haven't given many posts in any of your story threads. In fact, you're probably the last great Independent!Harry author in fanfiction; I feel that the whole field is dying.

I have a final note on your writing style when pertaining to the emotional scenes (e.g. Harry's fluff-filled talk with Susan). It's reminding me a lot like Bobmin: boring, dull, predictable, and stuff to be skipped. That's bad, and I think that you ought to try to make the scenes more interesting, although I'm at a loss to offer suggestions for that.

 

That would have been as believable as Snape's redemption in canon, imo. Neville completely snapped because of all the suffering he had endured. That fact is present in the story and has a bearing on the interpretation of the character. It was a result of his history of suffering that he actively tried to become as ruthless as the people who hurt him and his loved ones and that he actively tried to suppress any self-pity as a weakness. It's only consequent that he slipped down the slippery slope in the end. People who go on killing sprees are not sane after all.

I thought the Neville sub-plot was very well done and Neville didn't become a character I hated in the end. I felt very sorry for him, actually.

 

I don't love to hate Neville. I just love him.

He was doing what needed to be done. Those children were going to joining the war the second they could and were already supporting it. He was getting revenge and he bloody well deserved to dish out some punishment.

I didn't and don't feel the slightest pity for the dead children. I only wish he had taken Draco down.

I would pin a medal to his chest.

 

I was hoping Rita would be showing those sentiments as well. It is quite obvious that the children targetted were the children of reputed death eaters. Maybe a comparison of what he's doing as revenge and his form of justice instead of depicting Neville as a monster. Especially considering what the other side did to his parents.

I think what I'm really missing here is that despite you having created one of the most believable Voldemort characters ever, that he doesn't really do all that much on screen. Especially during the second half of this fic. We hear of his rampages, the newspapers mention all the hushed up attacks, but we don't get to see them. And we certainly can't connect with the effort of the war if we only get to read a couple of lines while being locked up inside Hogwarts where our main form of entertainment is a slightly above average teenage wizard with Columbine symptoms plotting to kill a bunch of average wizards.

For the longest time I couldn't put my finger to what it was that I was missing but I know now. I miss the action damnit, I miss feeling like Harry was somewhat of his own camp. We started off with a bang where several characters were killed off, the action was fast paced and it was intervalled with downtime perfectly. But after that encounter with the dementors things just stopped. It turned into an average family drama for Harry where he is powerful but never show it, where his main worries are that of his significant other (she has a child damnit!) and the story just got bogged down. Your first 2/3rds of tftcd is honestly as pleasurable to read as your other two fics, it's just the latter part.

On another note, I wish he'd have done something to the Abbott father, something, anything in a fit of apoplectic rage without being calmed by Susan. If only to show that he's not always perfect, that he can succumb to the baser instincts of revenge just like Neville and that Susan isn't his top priority currently with full leash control.
I also wished the situation could have escalated to Harry breaking it off completely due to the lack of percieved betrayal, justified or not. Just to make him human. Personally I've never ever seen a female romantic lead who was introduced within the first paragraphs not bag Harry in the end. Usually the first chapter makes it painfully obvious who Harry is going to be involved with. I can only recall Barb ever doing anything remotely similar with the H/Hr -> H/G if I recall but she added a prophecy in the earlier parts of her first book that made it painfully obvious whoever he was dating first wasn't going to be who he ended up with.
Why all this? Because I'm starting to feel a personal aversion towards Susan. She's not a bookworm, she's not a slut, she's a mild mannered puff who was forced to grow up and realize Harry doesn't spew rainbows out his arse. Yes but for whatever her flaws, she never does seem to do anything wrong. She's got the role of the maiden who's waiting for the hero to conquer what needs to be conquered. It's easy to see how you've tried to make her more human with her developments and self doubts but in the end whatever minor flaws you gave her always got concluded in one way or the other within two chapters. To the point that I treat her as a mary sue. I think that with Hermione's scholary pursuits, Ginny's self confidence issues what with all the boyfriends and Luna being well Luna, it's easy to assign them character flaws if they're supposed to be the acting the part of Harry's chosen but Susan doesn't really stand out like that. You've just not come around to assigning her any flaws in character that aren't noble or self sacrificing. No skeletons in her closet.

I fully agree with Belerdorhan by the way. It could have been as beautiful as your usual characters but it didn't quite end up where I'd hope it'd go. There were tons of avenues where you could have taken it to make us invest more emotions into the situation. Like humanizing Neville just like you tried with Voldemort just more. Make us wish Neville good luck while secretly thinking wether this was really right or not. Or have Harry draw comparisons with what he is doing and what Neville was doing. The slytherin common room massacre would have been that much more powerful if we knew a little something of all those involved. And even more so if we knew that several of those there were completely innocent, perhaps plotting to take down some of their more vocal members down, just whatever. Instead Neville ran in and killed a bunch of blank slates that I could equate to cattle. I didn't know them, I didn't know what they were trying to do nor could I really care because all I know of them is what the vocal minority were death eaters in training.

All in all, it's just your latter part feels so bland compared to the start and the middle. Atleast with the standards you've set with everything else you've written so far.
Honestly this fic is still one hell of a read, I wouldn't even bother reviewing anything like this if it was something else. I just feel like you could have executed this that much better.

 

---=== ch 36. ===---​

I loved your Draco vs Neville scene. Could have liked Draco more if given the chance to see him more frequently. Also liked Slytherins: not because they died, but because they were just children dying. Loved the Minister's Flight scene.

---=== ch 37. === ---​

The first half, without doubt, needs betaing. The rest was great.

I think I'd go through some of the things I've noticed.

Firstly, Rita Skeeter's article is not written in her stile. I'd suggest make it less wordy, and less lofty: remove "young ones," and "in a heroic effort to." As I understand, "For all intents and purpose" is a phrase for younger gener. Then on it goes better. But still it lacks the usual sting we see in Skeeter's articles. I think to add the sting the article should be made more lengthy. Thus I'd suggest you make somebody read the parts from it (as in the parts you have) and comment on them (like in HP-5, in the end).


This was unclear:

does it says "emphasize something so the Witenagemot approve," or "emphasize that the Witenagemot approve?"​

The dialogue in this scene sounds too random, for ex.:

I'd suggest you liven it up by adding Rita's comments to the man's soliloquy, maybe like remarking that she snorted here and there. Without them Rita looked like a dummy.

two consequent addressings (dear, Rita).​

typo​

random stuff again.​

I think you really should improve the last passage:

because it should feel grand, as it stands now it's anti-climatic. Remove "everything other" and maybe add "after all" somewhere.​

***​

Secondly, the story starts to get a rather fragmented feel.

I think fleshing out the dialogues could help you here, because, take Coedus/Voldemort scene for ex.: the dialogues here feel if not random then detached. Though maybe there's a problem with your descriptions, not your dialogues. Please, don't degenerate into Rorschach.

Saying that, I think you posted this chapter too early.

***​

Thirdly, some other bits:

another example of fragmentation:

unclear:

was it "stopping to look at?"​

These passages were incorrectly linked together:

I'd suggest you change from "Filius paused" and on, into "he trailed off, ~~" and then just "Finally he said."​

***​

And finally, I loved Dumbledore's outlook in his duel with Harry. Narcissa I liked from the start, so there's nothing new.

I think it's all.

[size=-2]note to self: look up proper grammatical stuff; addressings, and linked together passages were meh.[/size]

 

Interesting chapter. Finally someone kills Molly Weasley(this is the only the second story ever where I read her getting killed)...

A complaint I have is_ Do we really need to read Malfoy doing any sexual act with anyone?It's uttery reprehensible for you have to have Malfoy doing anything with a girl in a great story.

Also it would have been nice to have Molly's POV as she was dying...

Other than that I look forward to Narcissa's fate and the next chapter..

BTW the last sentence is great.

I give this chapter 3.75/5 due to Malfoy and not getting Molly's POV as she is dying...

 

Would you rather I killed off Draco and let Molly and Arthur have some hot lovin action instead?


I could get started on that rewrite right now if you want. We could have Percy walking in on Arthur and Molly?

There now that scene will be stuck in your heads for a while...

Chapter 38 wasn't that difficult to write. I'm hopefull that chapter 39 goes just as easily. I don't really have time for any detailed author's notes right now, so I'll just say thanks for reading and I'll answer comments you see fit to post.

Jim

 

Wasn't having a Draco love scene enough you fiend, now you have this horrendous scene stuck in my mind