1. Hey Guest, welcome back to DLP

    As you can see, we've changed our look. We've migrated from vBulletin to the Xenforo forum system. There may be issues or missing functionality, if you find anything or have feedback, please check out the new Xenforo Migration Feedback forum.

    Our dark ("Dark Lord Potter") theme is under heavy development. We also have a light ("Light Lord Potter") theme for those happier with a light background and darker text.

    Dismiss Notice

Abandoned Traitorous by Flamata - T

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by Palt, Jun 20, 2007.

  1. Banta

    Banta The Chosen One DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2006
    Messages:
    2,185
    Remember, Harry is in pissed-off-angsty-teenager mode at the moment, thinking things out is not part of his profile for the time being. Hopefully this will change soon, Dark Harry is all well and good as long as he is not Stupid Harry as well.
     
  2. Ragon

    Ragon Dark Lord

    Joined:
    Nov 8, 2005
    Messages:
    1,887
    Location:
    I lived in my mind but I lost my key.
    The main probably with dark Harry is you basically have to start from what others have done in the spell department. Canon dark wizards always used powerful dark spells that they learned in secret or the unforgivables which cant be hard to learn if you know what your doing.
     
  3. Wisdom's Mountain

    Wisdom's Mountain Sixth Year

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2006
    Messages:
    183
    Location:
    The West Coast
    I liked this presentation of the "many shades of gray" proposal every dark fic uses. The scene with Daphne showing him the "right" use of imperio was cliche, and the dark was too flawless while the light was too flawed, but the slide into darkness was tactfully done.
     
  4. MysterioX

    MysterioX Professor

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2005
    Messages:
    421
    Location:
    Off the record
    Did anyone read the new chapter?
    Disappointing.
    The first chapter might have been 3.5 but the rest I give it 2.5/5.
    This Harry is just too dumb. I am not sure whether the author is writing this Harry’s imbecility intentionally or not. It was laughable the amount of time the retard took to realize it was Voldemort.
    The Dumbledore scene in the 5th chapter was useless, Harry might as well stomped his foot, turned around and left. The Author could have used a much better way to make him angry to bring on the Crucio incident. This Harry need to find a dark ritual that increases ones IQ.

    Can’t see how this fic reminded Marie of Potter’s Resistance. This fic reminded me of one that I read only the first ten chapters, at one time called “Harry Potter and the Curse of VArdian”, seen now the story’s complete.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2007
  5. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    943
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Chapter 6 just got posted; it isn't bad, but not great either. This is the review I left:

     
  6. The Mysterious Nobody

    The Mysterious Nobody Auror

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2007
    Messages:
    615
    I'll have to agree with you. To be honest, I like this fic, but Harry seems too naive. Reminds me of Ron with a darker twist.

    Then, there's also what another user pointed out about the flawless dark against the flawed light. Why can't people make the Dark magic what it is, evil and dark? That's one f the big problems of Dark!Harry fiction; authors seem afaraid of making Harry go evil and thus turn the dark magic into "banned-for-no-reason-at-all-magic", although I do have to admit that the "turning" in this fic is at least quite believable.

    As for "The Curse of V'ardian", I couldn't stand it either. It was well written, yes, but the whole "Snape's daughter" thing pulled me out of it.

    I'd give Traitorous a 3'5/5
     
  7. The Duke

    The Duke Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2006
    Messages:
    266
    Location:
    B.C. Canada
    Am I wrong to actually really likeing this story? I see the cliches and how Harry could easily become "pussy dependent" on Daphne but all the same I also see some pretty decent potential for it as well; I see chapter six as the begining of his transition(hopefully).
     
  8. Muttering Condolences

    Muttering Condolences Card Captored and buttsecksed

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2006
    Messages:
    700
    Nah, we all have our dirty little secrets.

    Anyway, yeah I like this story too. Probably because of the potential for Harry/Daphne goodness. I don't really mind the cliches and hack writing if the story can draw me in.

    I give the 1st chapter 3.9/5, the rest 3/5, and hope Harry doesn't become totally pussy-whipped.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2007
  9. Xanatos

    Xanatos Professor

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2005
    Messages:
    470
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    I'm dissapointed, but still like this fic. Daphne is great, she really makes this fic good. I feel Harry is still a pussy, and dependant, but he is in cannon as well, and at least there is potential for him to think for himself later on in the fic.

    To be honest, this fic has a lot of potential, and I can see it easily going downhill, but I can still hold out hope.
     
  10. IndoGhost

    IndoGhost Dark Lord

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2005
    Messages:
    1,833
    Location:
    Lost in the sands of time
    I mostly don't like DE!harry cause he working for someone...but this one I like.
     
  11. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2006
    Messages:
    7,295
    Location:
    Australia
    I thought it was fairly easy to understand.

    Harry's only seen Voldemort as 15 year old Tom Riddle, and Ressurected!Voldemort. There was about 33 years in which Voldemort had to grow up, and people's looks can change a lot through the years. You're wondering where I'm going? (If you are you're a dolt.)

    The Diary recorded Voldemort when he was 15. Because we saw that bit of his soul preserved in it's original state, we can assume that every additional piece will retain Voldemort's characteristics for the time when he created the Horcrux.

    There are four other Horcruxes, four other points in his life, where he was different. It isn't that hard to believe that Harry wouldn't be able to recognise him straight away.

    Though, that does bring me to wonder how he'd go about communicating with pieces of his soul he tore off and basically put in a time capsule.

    -

    Personally I liked the 'Atrum' effect. I invision it as people who have used dark magic as being oil, and the rest of society being water. Naturally the two don't mix, and given the change they congeal to form larger groupings.

    The arguement from Daphne. (<3) was a rudimentary and overused one, but then unless you can come up with a better way to convey the 'intention' aspect of using magic then you can't really complain about it.

    -

    Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne Daphne.

    -

    Now, I expect revenge from Harry on Hermione and Ron, but I know it is unlikely I'm going to get it. The last chapter was interesting, if only because of the following line;

    Now the lead up to that was annoying. Really annoying, slap a bitch across the face for selling your favorite chair because they wanted a bar of chocolate annoying. Harry knew what was going to happen. So why did he go up instead of simply using the portkey?

    I didn't much like the McGonagall episode. I like her as a character and it disappoints me to see her at oods with Harry.

    Overall, Ignoring the various points which need to be redone, I would give it a 4.5/5

    And of course most of you know that more than half of that comes from Daphne alone.
     
  12. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2006
    Messages:
    557
    Location:
    Lithuania
    Dumbledore recognizing Dark Magic from the Ministry Guide? It is like Dumbledore learning to defend himself from the Ministry leaflet.
     
  13. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2006
    Messages:
    7,295
    Location:
    Australia
    o_< You're assuming it's recent. But your point is made. Dumbledore should already know how to recognize it. Unless he had it out for Harry to see on purpose. :eek:!
     
  14. Imperator Pesmerga

    Imperator Pesmerga Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2007
    Messages:
    272
    Location:
    I can see you touching yourself
  15. venom

    venom First Year

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2007
    Messages:
    25
    Location:
    Wales
    I think this story is good, but it is far from perfect and has a couple of stupid moments.
    For example, near the beginning of chapter 7 Neville manages to hurt Daphne right after Harry says that Daphne is a better fighter then Neville, followed by Neville managing to take Harry's wand, even though Harry has been spending the past couple of months learning dark spells.
    If you can put up with incidents like this the story I think is worth it. 4/5
     
  16. Testament

    Testament Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Messages:
    232
    I have a big soft spot for DE!Harry so I enjoyed this story, though I do agree with most of the criticism posted here. The concept of "grey magic" has been slightly overused in fanfiction but I didn't mind it here. Also, I found Dumbledore's mentality of "the ends justify the means as long as it's for the greater good" to be rather bland and not very convincing. In my mind Dumbledore didn't become the most powerful and respected wizard just on raw power alone. He must have possessed a mind that realizes there is not just the two extremes of good and evil as is suggested in this story.

    Chapter 7 was relatively pleasing with my only complaint being Daphne successfully memory charming Dumbledore. A school girl besting a 150 year old master of mind arts? Somehow it doesn't seem that likely.

    Overall it's a pretty good read and one of the better DE!Harry stories around.

    4/5
     
  17. Koalas

    Koalas Dark Lord DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2007
    Messages:
    1,974
    Location:
    Toronto
    Overall okay. I've never liked the ONLY gray magic thing. I mean Avada Kedavra is an unblockable instant death curse. What's grey about that? as The Mysterious Nobody said just let evil be evil. After all when you try to explain all the faults in something you only end up with something horrible. I.e. Mary-Sue's.

    Never the less, it is solidly written, and with the rarity of good Dark!Harry stories it is a welcome read.

    4/5
     
  18. fash

    fash Seventh Year DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2007
    Messages:
    239
    Location:
    Australia
    Just finished reading the story, well whats been posting of it so far anyways...

    interesting read, although i would have like a different approach as to why Harry actually turned dark, i find that 99% of the Dark!harry story's i read these days are Dumbledore being manipulative.

    Unfortunately the last chapter is the first bit of proper interaction with voldemort, im looking forward to reading more or the story AFTER harrys training. The first chapter of the story tells me this could be very interesting.

    I hope that harry doesnt become dependent on Daphne, it seems hes went form believing everything dumbledore says to believeing every word that comes out of Daphne's mouth.

    But overall so far its a good read! and i hope the next chapter is out soon!

    Luke
     
  19. ForsakenOne

    ForsakenOne Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2007
    Messages:
    383
    Its a very good story so far, i like the non cliches where Harry is betrayed by everyone. I liked the beginning too, added some mystery as to how Harry turned that way.

    4/5
     
  20. thisperson

    thisperson Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2006
    Messages:
    710
    Overall liked the story, my mind is ridden with 36 hours of non-stop thinking (with a few naps in-between) and I printed it then read it during AP US History...it was a very fun read and certainly worth the time I took from learning about our civil war.

    Haven't read a Dark! Harry story (or any fiction) in a while and the way that Harry is lead towards the darkness by everything around him was very nice.

    The Atrum Effect was also a cool idea, certainly gives an explanation for his new dark tendencies.

    4/5 Because I'm sure that there is something wrong with it, just can't remember...screw it, rating's go by what you think of the fic at the time... 5/5