...Armageddon really........ sigh, there's obviousley no hope for you, and I'm going to assume you liked sucker punch wich is even worse. Micheal bay beleives that if you distract the audience with enough explostions or high paced fast cutting action scenes they wont notice that there is no script and no characters.

 

*obviously
*which
*believes
*explosions
*Michael

Your superior movie taste is obviously not helping with your spelling.

 

Particularly considering Sucker Punch was at least tolerable and had an artistic soul, while this movie...

Okay, tl, dr; coming, but here's the short form: this movie is roughly on the level of Bio-Dome for me. Yeah, THAT bad.

Long version, well...

I've never been a fan of Star Trek.

Granted, I've seen the movies, but I've never watched the TV show, and while I have vague ideas about certain popular elements of the franchise (most drawn from when I had to research elements of the franchise for a high school debate), I've never really cared about it all that much. You could say that it was because I was exposed to Star Wars before Star Trek, but for the most part, I just have never really been interested.

That being said, I respect Star Trek for what it is, and Gene Roddenberry's original vision of the franchise. It was a series filled with great dreams of manifest destiny, of going to places where no human has gone before, exploring that last great frontier. As a guy with more than a passing interest in science, I have huge respect for that drive, and I'm still pissed that the US space program, once one of the frontrunners of science and technology in the world, has been gutted over the past several years.

So with that in mind, it might not come as any surprise to most of you that I never really liked the Star Trek reboot. Oh, don't get me wrong, McCoy and Scotty were great, and Spock was pretty good, but the writing was very subpar (even on the standards of Star Trek) and Chris Pine has the emotional range of a tree stump and is maybe a tenth as likeable. He is a terrible Captain Kirk, and I sincerely hope that they don't continue this franchise - I mean, when your writing sucks and your leading man is awful, your franchise doesn't have much hope.

Why begin with this little preamble that has nothing to do with Transformers?

Because the movie I just got back from had the temerity to not only reference the new Star Trek, but to have Leonard Nimoy (who plays Sentinel Prime) deliver a very specific line from Wrath of Khan. Any Trek fan - hell, nearly anyone who has heard of Star Trek, and probably a bunch who haven't, know this line, and know it comes from Spock.

This movie bastardizes it. It twists the original emotion from that scene into a sick feeling of disgust and outrage. Michael Bay, you have not earned the right to take anything from Star Trek, let alone this. You have not earned the fucking right to spit in our faces and twist that into a mockery just so we can hear your incoherent, yet jingoistic and insulting message.

Yeah, that's right: Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a message movie, people. What this message is - beyond the most protracted blowjob ever given to the US military and the Pentagon I've ever had the misfortune to watch - I really can't be sure. And this message was so important, Bay felt it was necessary to not only take a massive dump all over the Transformers mythos (I don't even know all that much about the franchise, and I was pissed off at the character derailment and inconsistencies - even between his own fucking movies) and Chicago (yeah, everyone in the city pretty much gets slaughtered in a cute little sideshow lasting about two minutes - you know, since this movie is PG, for kids!). No no, this movie also felt to convey this message, Michael Bay thought it necessary not only to evoke images of 9/11 and a desecration of the Lincoln Memorial reminiscent of Amazons Attack (if you're a comic fan, you'll get that reference), but of the fucking Challenger explosion and Chernobyl. Oh yeah, I'm not kidding on that second one: turns out the Chernobyl accident wasn't a nuclear accident - no, it was all the fucking Decepticons (and on that note, why aren't all the military guys there cooked alive because of radiation poisoning, and why does the weather change from raining and miserable to clear and sunny within FIVE MINUTES?) Was THAT really fucking necessary, Bay?

But even those would be forgivable if the story was any good - that would just show Bay as tasteless, not the hack he is. But no, just like the last two movies, this film has a plot that manages to be both incomprehensible at points and downright insulting at others. As always, the film is loaded with too many useless human characters and stereotypical robots, and while the infamous twins from Revenge of the Fallen might not be here, we still have robots who are either stereotypical, pointless, or not in the movie at all. After all, this is a 'silly stupid toy movie' (as coined by Bay himself when first approached to direct Transformers), and thus the actual robots are only in about an eighth of their own fucking movie, and almost always the background to a selection of military hardware and billowing American flags. Of course, that's only when this two-hour, thirty-five minute movie does not want to focus on Shia Leboeuf job-hunting, working in a mailroom, and whining because his two story loft and model girlfriend don't appreciate him enough for saving the world (fans of the movies, help me out here: I thought it was Optimus saving the world - what exactly did Shia DO again?) - which, by the way, takes up about the first sixty minutes of the film.

And, of course, since this is a message movie, Bay feels that he needs to make a statement about the immigration issue with a cameo from Bill O'Reilly to act as a strawman (I wish I was kidding). For instance (a minor spoiler here), there is a scene where the Decepticons deliver an ultimatum to Earth: if the Autobots are not deported or exiled (that language specifically), the Decepticons will attack. And you know what the US government chooses to do? Why, it chooses to round up all the Autobots AND LAUNCH THEM INTO SPACE. You know, because you don't need them at all to protect you, or you're trusting a group of robots CALLED DECEPTICONS!

But let's put side the plot courtesy of the hacks, shall we? What about the acting - surely that's not... oh, wait, this is a Michael Bay Transformers film. So, of course, we have John Tuturro hamming it up and acting like an overall creep in this film (and yet strangely he's not fun to watch), we have the Megan Fox stand-in who can't act to save her fucking life and is simply there for Mcihael Bay to ogle (and boy, is he shameless), and we have the military guys who are either a teetering pile of stereotypes or who have no personality at all. Oh, and we have once again the pointless and insulting comic relief, like the fucking parents that feel that they have to comment on Shia LeBoeuf's dick size (once again, I wish I was kidding). But while in this film we don't have the appalling sight of Megan Fox's acting (let's get this out of the way, she's easily the worst actress working in mainstream Hollywood today, and she's easily the most untalented blatant sex symbol since Denise Richards (and she'll never be in a movie as good as Wild Things)), or Tuturro's junk (which we all had the distinct displeasure of seeing last movie).

No, in this film, we get to watch Shia Leboeuf be one of the most unlikeable, arrogant pissants of a character I've ever seen on screen, or the sight of Ken Jeong out of his fucking mind and deciding to yank out his 'Deep Wang', or Alan Tudyk be the most offensive gay stereotype I've ever seen, or Frances McDormand being an absolute clueless bitch who is unlikeable for no other purpose other than to be a strawman for those who disagree with Bay jerking off with the PATRIOT Act, or John Malkovich embarrassing himself and being completely fucking pointless, or Leonard Nimoy pissing all over a legacy he helped FUCKING CREATE!

But even then, I can still imagine the people shouting that I'm being too elitist, that this is just a popcorn flick and we shouldn't expect good acting or a story because of dubious source material... okay, you know what, I'm fucking DONE with that excuse. In 2003, we got a trilogy of excellent fantasy movies based upon a Disney theme park ride. In 2008, we got a critically acclaimed movie based upon a bunch of books about a rich guy who dresses up like a giant flying rodent because of his omnipresent mommy issues. In 2010, we got a feature length film about the motherfucking founding of Facebook! If you can make good movies out of those, you can make a good movie out of anything!

And as for the action? Don't make me laugh - because this is a Michael Bay movie, where everything is filmed way too close, most of the robots (particularly the Decepticons) are indistinguishable from each other, and when the robots aren't violating the laws of physics, it still doesn't erase the fact that without significant characters arcs for ANY of these characters (human or otherwise), we don't care about the fates of any of them! Two minutes from Rambo or Crank or Kill Bill or the fucking Transporter movies have more emotion and relevancy that the entire two-and-a-half fucking hours of this film! And the funny thing is, I think Bay knows this to some degree, so he decides to utilize any imagery he can to provoke any emotional reaction. You know, like the Challenger explosion, or 9/11.

This movie has no consistent tone (thanks in large part from the score, which keeps trying to be epic, but keeps falling flat on its face whenever Bay cuts to comic relief). This movie has no significant character arcs, so much so that I disliked every single character in this film by the end of it (the last time that happened was when I watched Bio-Dome (side-note: if you ever want to torture someone, force them to watch Bio-Dome)). Even the comic relief is just ugly, mean-spirited, and distasteful (and on that note, whoever thought the little scene between the Megan Fox stand-in and fucking MEGATRON was a good idea should be fired and flogged), and for once, I don't think I was the only one who thought that - most of the crowd in the theater was cringing. And while I could go on for another hour ranting, this movie is still going to make more money that the gross domestic product of some small countries, and certainly more than I'll ever make - and if that doesn't piss me off, I don't know what will.

So here's my message. This movie is horrible. On par with the other two Transformers movies as some of the worst films of all time. Badly filmed, horribly written, insulting pieces of monkey shit that are not worth the film they're printed on. These aren't 'So Bad It's Good', like Green Lantern, because despite everything, they actually tried with that film. This is a soulless piece of misogynistic, jingoistic TRASH, and certainly not worth your money.

People, I'm pleading with you, do not pay to see this movie - because if you do, odds are we'll just get another one.

 

Goddamn, but would I love to hear that post orated by you (or someone with a rich baritone and crisp enunciation, if you don't have those).

Maybe with some sort of stately musical accompaniment, too. :awesome

 

Silens, if you don't already have a movie blog, make one ASAP. :awesome

 

I was with you, bro, until you took a shot at Bio-Dome.

Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin are acting pioneers.


OT: They could've cut the chick entirely from T3 and it would not have impacted the story at all. Terrible. Just terrible.

 

You know, I was looking forward to Silens' tl;dr more than the movie itself, and I wasn't disappointed :awesome.

As for Bay, I don't know, I think he's going to be like Machiavelli. You spend most of your life thinking he's a fucking evil, almost maliciously bad director and then it turns out he was just trolling, or at least that's what it'll look like to historians who can't fathom how such a movie made millions, they'd probably assume we were in on the joke :facepalm.

This has to be one big joke. It just has to be. Please?

 

Thank you Silens, you summed up my thoughts on this better than I ever could. Speaking as a transformers fan this man and his movies have basically pissed on the legacy that the original series created. not only has he shamelessly detracted from the characters and turned one of my favorite characters growing up into a god damn propaganda machine, but he has also turned one of the climactic moments of the G1 series into a joke with this movie, yes, this actually happened, cybertron over earth and the full on invasion. Sentinel prime, the decepticon control of the government, destruction of the space bridge and thus cybertron are all parts he has changed to fit his message. This was the end of the second season, it was the moment where the transformers were fully revealed to the world, where the decepticons were beaten back off earth, and peace was restored. It began a time of prosperity between both races that eventually lead into the transformers movie.

I swear if they touch the movie I will find them.

On that note, the transformers movie series has once again made double its production value and is now scheduled for another trilogy. Fuck.

 

It feels a little redundant to comment on it after Silens' masterpiece, but fuck it. I have to say, I thought it was better than RotF - but then, that's kinda like saying syphilis is better than AIDS, so yeah.

Credit where it's due to Bay, he's removed some of the worst aspects, but that still leaves a bad film. It's just not as offensively bad. Slightly less jingoistic (at least they were only fucking up America in this film), less obviously racist, and the action was actually comprehensible this time. Dumb, but comprehensible.

So, that's the relatively good out of the way. The bad...well, Rosie Huntington Whitely can't really be blamed for being utterly fucking awful, not being an actress by trade, but she really did suck the life out of every scene she was in. Shia laBoeuf annoyed the hell out of me, especially in the first hour - yes, what we want to see from a Transformers film is him bitching about not having a job - and the side characters...well, I did laugh a little at Alan Tudyk, but more because it was Wash being an awful, awful gay stereotype rather than the role actually being funny. John Malkovich, the Wang character, his parents (oh God, his parents...)

If there are going to be more films, then I believe Bay has said he won't be back. Hopefully, they will be a total reboot - let's face it, there's a lot of potential in a Transformers film, if only an entertaining blockbuster rather than something intelligent. They certainly can't be worse.

3D wasn't bad though.

 

You know, my cousins went on holiday and said they were going to watch it then, and then come back and watch it with me again. I hope to god they watch it there, because after watching it online, I don't want to sit through that again.

 

I find it ironic that the whole reason the action was comprehensible was because they filmed it in 3D and that made Bay cut back on some of his worse habits with the camera. It figures that a movie gimmick I despise is what tones down the filming to at least only sub par levels.

Yes, Bay and Lebeouf are gone after this one. No, the current publisher has claimed there will not be a reboot of the series. No, they really can't be worse....I hope.