Hey,
I'm lurking at DLP for a few weeks now and I figured I should drop in and say thanks for writing this story.

I can't help you like some people here with reviewing the grammar, because my english isn't all that good, but I just wanted to say that it would be cool to see how Fury reacted to finally getting his precious phone back, just to see how fucked up it is.

This tug of war between the concessions of Harry and Fury was different then I thaught it would be since Fury mentioned that "The meeting's location has already been prepared." I liked the talk but I really expected some more pressure (of the mental kind; look, we have you surrounded, don't try anything funny.) or action after reading that line.

Wand and Shield is an awesome story and I hope you have as much fun writing it as I have in reading it.

 

Well, Harry can apparate. Not much use surrounding someone that can up and vanish to a hundred miles away if he really wanted, is it?

As for the room being prepared - well, Harry didn't do a Muffliato this time, so any and all recording and measurements and what not are still there...

---------- Post automerged at 10:36 ---------- Previous post was at 10:30 ----------

Not sure what you were trying to say in that line with 'Hulk Smash' in it.

 

Now that you say that it's kind of obvious. :facepalm

So, Harry and Banner at Tony's place huh.
Poor Pepper, I think a migraine is the least of her worries now.

 

Meant to say Oba won't be getting Hulk Smashed as a clever usage of the term. Bah. Will Banner now play a role in the Iron Man movie?

 

Meh...I didn't much care for this chapter. I thought the conversations were fairly off. Bruce's paragraph with the Godzilla mention didn't sound right at all, and the back and forth between Harry and Fury overall just didn't work. Rather than coming across as two antagonistic men trying to get something it felt more like a poor attempt at witty banter.

On a technical note, you have a lot of vocal ticks, to the point where they're distracting. Over and over again, X said lightly, X shrugged, said slowly, answered dully, etc.. The conversational adjectives are being overused here.

From a story progression standpoint...we've been waiting for the Fury/Harry meeting for quite some time now, yet this chapter didn't really give us anything. It was a brief meeting where both men pretty much decided they're going to keep doing what they do with no changes except for talking to each other on occasion. This entire chapter turned this story arc from what should have been a big confrontation into a brief interlude that accomplished nothing but getting Bruce to hang out with Harry at Tony's place. The fight with the Hulk was interesting, the spy stuff was inventive...but from a story standpoint, it feels like nothing has been accomplished but showing off some of what Harry can do.

Anyway...that's my feedback. I'm sure everybody is going to disagree with it.

 

Hmmmm, do you have particular bits that stood out in this? I'd love suggestions, of course! (Also the line you mentioned isn't in the FFnet version.)

No disagreement there, it's a bit automatic for whatever reason, at the moment. >o>

Well, I've been talking with a few people on the chat etc. about that - if Fury had gotten particularly much done, it'd be claimed that Harry was spineless - if Harry got too much done, then Fury's suddenly unusually compliant. In reality the best outcome, it seemed to me, is a stalemate. If you have particular suggestions on what you are missing etc as mentioned under the first response, I'd like to hear them, of course.

Eh, concrit is good.

EDIT:

Looks like me might be looking at another chapter today. <thumbs up>

 

I'm a bit behind everyone when it comes to reviewing this chapter, but here goes.

Bruce's description of the Hulk as 'the other guy' seemed off for some reason. I know that's what Ruffalo's version calls him but I was re-watching Norton's version, and he was referring to him as 'it'. He seemed to regard the Hulk as a disease, not another side of himself. It was only after he gained the ability to control--or at least aim it--that he started viewing it as his Mr. Hyde rather than a tumor. Whether this is a thematic difference between the two movies due to the different director's styles or of an actual change in Banner's character is up for grabs, but i felt the need to point that out.

Nick Fury's dialogue felt a bit off. He seems the type of manipulator who re-vises his approach when the current one isn't working. Harry hadn't responded to threats before, so why now? It actually had much the feeling of (referencing this again, wow there are a lot of parallels) a scene in the book 'Jumper'. In order to try to get the teleporter's co-operation, the government kidnapped his girlfriend. In retaliation, he kidnapped one of their Directors. When he called up the government in an attempt to negotiate a mutual hostage release, they came back with "The US does not negotiate with terrorists." Completely ignoring the illegality of their actions while hounding on that of the boy's first one. S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be a more intelligent agency than that. They would try the most effective method of getting a potential security risk under their pay-roll rather than take the elitists' moral high ground.

As for the exact words coming out of Fury's mouth, I'm not extremely picky. Getting a line that sounds like it would come out of Samuel Jackson or Robert Downing's mouths is very difficult. A good portion of their characters come from their own method acting, and unless you can understand their thought process you can't predict what they will say. So as long as it isn't too out of character, it's all good.

 

Although I'm taking into account the events of TIH, I'm taking a few liberties with it by incorporating elements of the Avengers version. I don't think the distinction between the 'it' and the 'other guy' is necessarily huge, though I can see how you might be thrown off by it if you know TIH well.

I admit that I need to revisit some of the dialogue there, though he does get a chance to defend his actions somewhat in the next chapter. Ultimately he barked at Harry a bit, but the arrangement they made is about the only one that made sense.

Quite a few lines in that chapter were from the comics, actually - the Fury that this movie version was mostly based on. He's more formal though, which might make a difference.

I'm editing the current chapter and hoping someone can proofread it to tell me if I did anything silly before I put it up here, or I'd get roasted for stuff I didn't mean. Meanwhile I'll revisit the Harry/Fury confrontation there.

Cheers, and thanks for the concrit.

 

This line doesn't work at all. Saying this is like talking to two really dense people and exclaiming "Great Scott, you're both George W. Bush!". Hermione isn't an adjective, she's a person. Plus, with Harry working in the Ministry for over ten years, chances are he's run into other people who are really into analysis--Hermione can't be the sole comparison he uses.

Otherwise, pretty good overall.

 

I think instead of you're both Hermione, you're both Ravenclaws works better.

 

It was the entire tone of the conversation, really, and this paragraph was exactly on with why the chapter didn't feel right. Your newest chapter, and the conversation with Fury that showed his motivations for not pushing things, did a good job of addressing it. Personally I'd suggest moving that conversation to the previous chapter, however, and having it take place while Harry is still en route to meet with Fury. With the change in position it gets rid of the annoyance that the Harry/Fury scene had due to not feeling right since the reader will know Fury's motivation for not being extremely antagonistic. It also lets Fury come across as a smarter character than he did in the chapter as you have it now. You can have Harry know what's going on before the meeting occurs, and have him secretly amused by the whole thing but play along because he knows Fury is throwing him a bone.

 

No, I think that sounds more retarded.

 

I was having some trouble with your portrayal of Fury thus far but he appeared far more composed in this chapter. To me, Fury always seemed to be a calculating fucker rather than the snappish man that you showed in the previous chapters.

I'm also hoping that Harry will have his own adventures and not tag along after the other avengers in each of their origin story.

 

Good chapter. I wonder how Tony's experiments on Harry would turn out

 

I enjoyed the chapter, but I feel you missed a prime opportunity to add a bit more comedy into the chapter. I am referring to the scene where Tony is pondering how Harry is capable of teleportation.

It would have been hilarious to read Tony's reaction if Bruce interjected here and told him that Harry actually just used a smelly sock. I swear, it would have been pure gold.

 

...Honestly I wouldn't have found that funny. That's just my opinion though. I suppose it could be entertaining if worded carefully, but the concept itself isn't funny.

Besides, the sock wasn't what was causing the teleporting, Harry was. Even if he grabbed a sock to use. And I read the conversation as them attempting to figure out how he was capable of teleporting at all, and the method he might have used. I don't think Banner really thought the sock was important.

Anyway, I also found the "YOU'RE BOTH HERMIONE" line irritating.

I personally would never blurt out YOU'RE ALL FRANK in the middle of listening to a conversation, regardless of the exhibition of characteristics that are reminiscent of people I know named Frank. Especially if I'm perfectly aware of the fact that they have no idea who "Frank" is, and are likely to look at me like I'm brain damaged.

 

I think you meant covert.

Other than that, no other grammar errors found.

Good chapter all in all, set up for the grand shit-hitting-fan moment in the coming chappie. Can't wait for it!

 

Oh, I don't know... having Tony finish spitting out all of this ponderous technobabble about how he theorizes teleportation would work, only for Bruce -as a fellow scientist who is slightly baffled and disgusted at how it makes no sense- to mutter, "A sock. He used a sock.", rather amuses me. In my mind's eye, I can see Tony's eyebrow going into high gear.

Might make a serviceable replacement for the "Hermione" line, too.

As with all things, though, your mileage may vary.

​

 

Hee ^^

Chapter 13's on a roll and the events might well flood over into chapter 14 - suffice to say Iron Monger is involved as well as Iron Man's debut in the fic.

Looks like it might be named 'Unlucky Day' which goes quite well with the chapter's number.

Cheers.

 

I'm so happy that you haven't randomly stopped writing this so far. I hope you keep it up.