1. Hey Guest, welcome back to DLP

    As you can see, we've changed our look. We've migrated from vBulletin to the Xenforo forum system. There may be issues or missing functionality, if you find anything or have feedback, please check out the new Xenforo Migration Feedback forum.

    Our dark ("Dark Lord Potter") theme is under heavy development. We also have a light ("Light Lord Potter") theme for those happier with a light background and darker text.

    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice
Please be courteous to staff and post NEW threads for NEW Issues, instead of posting them in threads that are not related to said issue.

[WIP] Whiskey Time Travel by Private Jenkins - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by fash, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. Mewsman

    Mewsman Squib

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2013
    Messages:
    8
    This is relatively good for a time travel fic, I suppose. It's not terrible, and it's readable, but I couldn't find it enjoyable. I think someone that has never been drunk, or have had extremely limited interaction with drunk people outside of cartoons, should have no business writing drunk people.

    Sure he was faking it after some point, but the writing here was almost slapstick. No more than a 2/5 from me. This author could really do with some beta-reading, I think.
     
  2. Tyrant's Bane

    Tyrant's Bane Squib

    Joined:
    May 3, 2015
    Messages:
    7
    The story is pretty good, its interesting, and the plot is certainly different then most I end up reading. That being said, Mew is right about the drunk scenes and need for a beta. Also wondering if its dead or not considering how long its been since an update.
     
  3. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Order Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2012
    Messages:
    883
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    United States
    Of all the stories that turn Unspeakables into spies, my favourite part is when they inevitably slip up and call them 'agents.' I mean, I'm not surprised that FFN authors have no idea what they're talking about, but still.

    If you're going to write a story involving espionage, please do a modicum of research first.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2015
  4. kix

    kix First Year DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2014
    Messages:
    32
    Location:
    Norway
    Updated, seems it was not as abandoned as it looked like. Looks like the novelty of what made the first chapters so interesting is loosing some of the appeal. Next few chapters will make it or break it.
     
  5. Jormungandr

    Jormungandr Prisoner

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2010
    Messages:
    2,961
    Location:
    Merry ol' England
    Lost interest when it became another Harry/Bellatrix.

    My interest was held when it looked to be a Harry/Rosmerta, as that pairing --in this situation-- is rarer than clean Mexican municipal water.
     
  6. Odran

    Odran Prisoner

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,768
    Am I missing something here? Because out of the currently four existing chapters, Bellatrix gets brought up only once, in the very first chapter, and only in relation to being engaged to one of the Lestrange brothers.
     
  7. Marsupial

    Marsupial Death Eater DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    939
    I am kind of betting on Valkyrie being Bellatrix, but that is vague supposition at best. Certainly wouldn't bet on that for the pairing at this point.
     
  8. Download

    Download Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Messages:
    1,490
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    Re-reading it would agree Valkyrie is probably Bellatrix. Alternate timeline or a fall from grace?
     
  9. Jormungandr

    Jormungandr Prisoner

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2010
    Messages:
    2,961
    Location:
    Merry ol' England
    Huh: either I confused the story with another (most likely) or the summary/tag listing was changed.
     
  10. Leif Campbell

    Leif Campbell Squib

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2015
    Messages:
    8
    Location:
    America
    High Score:
    0
    I like it. It has a nice blend of humor and action that I enjoy reading. So far I would give it a 4/5
     
  11. Private Jenkins

    Private Jenkins Squib

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    8
    Location:
    United States of America
    High Score:
    0
    Y'know. 3/5 and a time waster? Considering this is DLP, I'll take that as a win. You guys are brutally honest. Which is awesome. I agree with pretty much all of you. Except Mewsman. I may not be able to write drunk characters, but I assure you, drinking is a way of life in the army and I really should stop. But no hard feelings. I understand where you're coming from. I'm not a professional writer, but ff is a good medium to practice.

    I will say that I was influenced by the Dresden Files and Castle, so I'm not surprised people are getting the super cop vibe mixed with Brawler Harry. As for calling Unspeakables Agents and making them some sort of super soldiers, I lean more towards Lorddwar's Summer of Change and DobbyElfLord's Altered Destiny style of Unspeakables. What can I say? Special Forces Wizards sounded fun.

    This story isn't meant to be too serious. So if you're looking for an epic story with deep overarching storylines, mixed with action and romance, I'm sorry. Can't help you.

    Now I'm not some angsty teen who can't take constructive criticism or a roasting. You won't hurt my feelings. This is DLP. I've stalked this site for years. You got questions? You got criticisms? You think I'm an asshole? Lemme know. And I appreciate the feedback
     
  12. IBG

    IBG Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2007
    Messages:
    289
    I think this was just put up for review way too early, I could definitely see it sneaking into the library if it was further along. Most time travel / dimension hop stories have one of a few fairly generic beginnings and this is no different, so the story hasn't really come into its own yet.

    The writing and humor is certainly good enough to hold my attention though and I'm looking forward to reading more.
     
  13. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Order Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2012
    Messages:
    883
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    United States
    It's actually a lot of fun. I enjoyed it, probably worth a 4/5. Reasonably well written, the interactions between Flamel and Harry stretch credulity, but the Charlus Potter plotline is remarkably well done. You've gotten an excellent start.


    Buuuuuuuuut for one thing, intelligence officers are officers, not agents :colbert:


    It's a total pet peeve of mine and almost everyone outside the DoD or the intelligence community does this so it doesn't really detract from the story. Still, you're Army iirc, you should know better!

    I don't mind turning Unspeakables into SAD/SOG or ISA analogues, I mind the label dammit [​IMG]
     
  14. Download

    Download Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Messages:
    1,490
    Location:
    Adelaide, Australia
    This is Harry Potter, what makes you think they follow Western military convention?
     
  15. The Iron Rose

    The Iron Rose Order Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2012
    Messages:
    883
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    United States
    It's global convention, really. I can't think of a single intelligence organization off hand that calls its officers agents. That designation is significantly less complimentary. So, to reverse your question, why should Harry Potter follow Hollywood?

    Like I said, it's a pet peeve that has little to do with the actual merits of the story.
     
  16. Lysianda

    Lysianda Squib

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Location:
    England
    High Score:
    0
    It doesn't seem too bad so far. There is the sensation that the author's private feelings about the military (see his name) may be influencing the story, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

    The most major issue with it is simply that by making Harry reflect his own 'soldier' mentality and act as a stand in for the perfect warrior (or at least a great warrior) the author does seem to be making Harry a bit OP and letting things be solved by violence rather than anything more ingenious.

    However, the fight scenes are well written, there are pleasant nods to other works in similar genres and I could well be wrong. We're only in the very early stages of the story yet and the author does seem to be trying to set up some interesting plot threads.
     
    Last edited: Nov 29, 2015
  17. Private Jenkins

    Private Jenkins Squib

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Messages:
    8
    Location:
    United States of America
    High Score:
    0
    Well, I will say that the closest I've ever come to interacting with anyone remotely close to the intelligence community is my 1SG, but an old Special Forces NCO doesn't really count... lol Regardless, I went back to my drafts and swapped out Agent with Officer, just to see how it felt. While I understand how annoying a small detail like 'Agent' can be (I can't stand being called sir, I work for a living damn it!) I feel swapping 'Agent' out for 'Officer' changes the flow of how my story is written. However; I have already incorporated your point of view as a fun little argument in a future chapter, so I hope you won't mind my homage to your criticism.

    As for my own military career affecting the story, I completely agree with your assessment. I've been taught to 'Write what you know' and warfare is something I know very well. Seeing as I never did receive my Hogwarts letter, I've had to draw on other experiences. Harry is meant to be OP, but not invincible. I've tried to illustrate this in previous chapters; excluding his spar with Amelia, he hasn't come out of a single conflict unscathed. He's been hit with the Cruciatus curse, broken bones, cracked ribs, dislocated his shoulder, and has been thrown through a shop window.

    He's been solving his problems primarily through violence, but I have laid the groundwork for some good ol' detective work with my upcoming 'Corruption in the DMLE' arc, which I alluded to briefly in chapter three.

    But like you said, WTT is still in its early stages of development. I appreciate your thoughts on the story and hopefully you'll enjoy it in chapters to come.


    Seeing as I'm still a filthy Muggle, I haven't been able to post WTT in Work by Author, but I'll get there eventually. It's karma for me creeping on DLP all these years and not contributing like a good little wizard.
     
  18. karlhugo

    karlhugo Squib

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2014
    Messages:
    5
    I can't for the life of me understand the negative comments for this fic, I love it, I probably read the first three chapters three times before the update came. I am looking forward to future updates and chapters.
     
  19. TallDarkStranger

    TallDarkStranger Third Year

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2015
    Messages:
    107
    Location:
    Neverland
    High Score:
    0
    I liked this work. The premise is good, the fact that Harry doesn't hate Albus is a def. plus IMO, but it seems like the ages are off.

    James Potter went to school in the 70s, but if Charlus Potter fought beside Dumbledore against Grindelwald (40s) he has to be more than 50 years older than his son. Possible, but seems odd. I always thought Charlus Potter was at school in the 40s, along with riddle.

    The banter is fun, but gets annoying - this seems too far off kilter for a Harry who's lost so many people, unless it's a way of coping.
    What is it with all these women who don't mind having their asses slapped by a near stranger?
     
  20. xvector

    xvector Second Year

    Joined:
    May 8, 2014
    Messages:
    79
    I actually... really, really liked this. It's great, I think, even more so when compared to existing Marauders-era time travel fics. Harry is just witty enough to amuse me, but it doesn't feel overdone. The super-cop elements add an interesting backstory to Harry, and the flashbacks are extremely well-done. And I just love the feel of the fic.

    I wouldn't call it a time waster by any means. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and although it's probably abandoned, I give it a 4/5 - 4.5/5.
     
Loading...