I've been playing around with an idea recently, and the description is a mouthful. Does anyone have thoughts on what should be cut/which parts aren't working?

Summary: HP/Temeraire AU. The court wizards of Europe were deadly. Never seen or heard, but their impact was undeniable. They left a trail of deaths and illicit affairs that undid dynasties. There's was an art of subtlety. Or it was.

When one Harry Potter bonded with a Hungarian Horntail on a sabbatical for Oxford University's college of magic, Hogwarts, wizards and witches were elevated to the apex of the British Empire, and the French weren't far behind. Court wizards became elite soldiers, and France's mysterious bogeyman, the killer You-Know-Who, exposed himself as Lord Voldemort in a successful coup. He promised colonial conquest, and for his Death Eaters, the French Government was just an appetizer. They had their eyes on the third world, and eventually... the Empire itself.

Harry? He was never fascinated with court intrigue and wanted nothing more than to be left alone with his classes and research at Hogwarts. But he found himself called on by his monarch and his people. Would Britain's wizards and witches allow themselves to be ruled by muggles or, worse, find their homeland subordinate to the French?

 

It's 1) Too long and 2) Filled with unnecessary info.

Here's one potential thought:

Summary: HP/Temeraire AU. Murder used to be subtle in in the Wizarding courts, but all things change. Charged with protecting the realm, Harry reluctantly joins the fray, but he really just misses his dragon.

 

Here’s something that’s in that style:

Summary 2: HP/Temeraire AU. Once, Europe’s court wizards were the bogeyman of the night, leaving a trail of bodies that shattered dynasties. Now? Their dragons can’t be hidden. And after You-Know-Who’s coup in France, Harry is forced into the fray, charged with protecting the British Empire.

I’m not sure why, but something isn’t working for me. It’s definitely a lot better than my original though. God that was so long.

I like that this 1) establishes the time period clearer and 2) introduces the main antagonist and conflict. However, I like that your suggestion characterizes Harry; that’s a pretty glaring hole in my version.