Worst Review you've ever seen?

Alraune · Jun 26, 2014

I see this one anon reviewer constantly haunting fanfics that are DC related. If it references Lex, Batman or Superman in any way I can almost guarantee this guy will pop up with this review. Today he sent one to my friend.

The villains even ones with godlike power may fear Joker but they are in awe of Lex Luthor

I like to think Lex like Adrian Veidt in Watchmen can go toe to toe with any non-powered hero develop his own fighting style and workout program in addition to being scientific/business/political overall Renaissance man, that his white suit as powerful as his power armor

I also think he should have nanotech that makes him like the Darkness or Spawn, robots like his power armor, Doomsdays and Bizarros that are stronger, smarter, faster, better looking than Supes hordes completely under his thrall

In the comics Mercy is an Amazon as in Wonder Woman can go toe to toe with Supes and she has a partner Hope I like to think they're from the Citizenry space Amazons ruled by Wonder Woman's aunt Astarte with guns as powerful as green lantern ring

As president Luthor eliminated the national debt, brought unemployment to almost zero, it was HIS leadership that got us through two alien invasions and even the heroes admit without it we would have fallen

Only through Lex has there ever been an instance where humanity unites and thrives in the cosmos

Until the citizens of the DCverse say they'd rather have Lex solve the problems of the world instead of super powered people punching things they don't deserve the cancer cure and etc

Lex Luthor goes out of his way to be a friendly, personable boss to the help, from his janitor to the guy who owns the newsstand near his building to Alfred Pennyworth when he meets Bruce Wayne, Lex is actually a very complex character, he appreciates honest, hard work, since he himself comes from a working-class background (he’s from Metropolis’s Suicide Slums, it was his inventions and leadership that made Metropolis a city of tomorrow that got Metropolis out of near fatal poverty), and he's not lying when he says that he has the ultimate well-being of humanity in mind HE should be the one in charge, but as long as he has that, he does try to make those under him live better lives. Lex has a good understanding of how economics work, so he knows that his financial empire is supported by average joes working blue-collar jobs

Humanity's fate should be in the hands of humans

Ancient humans were the settlers of Rann, Thanagar, and Krypton, life began on earth

Superman undermines humanity's worth and accomplishments

A civilized man accuses specific individuals of specific crimes felony and fraud otherwise people should mind their own business this does not mean we ignore things that aren't evil but are nevertheless dangerous

Everyone should be given powers and tech it's idiotic this isn't done the heroes care more about getting off on playing Mr. Son of God, strutting around going who’s got the bigger cock than actually improving the lives of the people

God made man Sam Colt made them equal

When you can dodge bullets, outfly missiles, and swim across the surface of the sun it's only a matter of time before you start thinking you've better things to do than save the world for the two hundredth time

In Kingdom Come The “Newbloods” spent their whole lives in terror of these villains, they see the older generation as ineffective

The "Newbloods" obviously took it too far but as they say they did save lives (some villains do need to be stopped permanently they keep breaking out of prison (Arkham is state of the art the most infamous denizens are just that good at escaping and they WILL kill in the dozens, hundreds, and thousands, some ARE that much of a threat to the people if not the heroes and it just seems sickeningly aristocratic) and butchering innocents the only reason they haven't put down the Joker I can figure is that the DCverse is the type of place someone like the Joker would break out of Hell and probably bring an army of demons to do his bidding) and they had new worse villains like the Slaughter Brigade to deal with, this is probably why the older heroes didn't step in until the "Newbloods" crossed the line, in a dark world heroes can be dark, but after they kill the villains, they have to stop if they still want to fight each other go to the middle of the desert not cities

Don't get me wrong lethal force should be used if and only if all other means are exhausted or unavailable to save lives or stop villains, I certainly don't want them slitting the throats of every single thug they come across (you do that you stop being a hero and become Frank Castle) if only because it could be an undercover cop doing his or her job

I hate how the heroes act like school bullies I get it when it’s sickos who enjoy killing people, the child molesters, the thugs too stupid to understand anything else, and crime lords even the ones who properly manage the implacable illicit businesses of city life (Illicit businesses are an implacable part of city life all prohibition does is make criminals rich), they’re probably still thieves and killers so keeping them on leashes is probably smart, but when they do it to the likes of Luthor and Maxwell Lord I almost understand doing things like dropping an atom bomb on Gotham to kill Batman

Not easy balancing liberty, prosperity and social stability, all anarchy does is leave us at the mercy of every thug and psychopath, great for mighty warriors not so much for the average man

People want fatty foods, loud music, regular sex, and flickering television images more than they want justice

I will always prefer villains who at least have a point and frighteningly may even be right about everyone being better off under their benevolent dictatorship (of course make education great so the common man does know what is best for him and his children's children and democratic republicanism can work) like Ra's al Ghul if the environment isn't brought into balance no matter the means or cost the future for the human race will be worse than any dystopian fiction and will lead to the extinction of the human race not through misadventure but suicide through stupidity or Lex Luthor who as he says if he was calling all the shots could end famine and cure cancer and he could his mind is capable of anything perhaps give everyone ultra high-tech nonpolluting technology and maybe even superpowers (without the White Martians ancient experiments all humanity would be like the Kryptonians or Daxamites) lead humanity and the rest of the universe to unimaginable glory remember Red Son he united all humanity and led us to a golden age that lasted millions of years, no poverty, disease, war, crime, terrorism, or environmental problems and science and art advance

A lot of villains seem unaware that if they used their mind and/or other talents for legitimate business causes or the government could be far more profitable than any crime spree

When you live in a world of such technology and people with four digit IQs why in the nine hells haven't you solved the world's problems of poverty and disease, everyone should be given tech (Sunstone/Fortress of Solitude/Wonderdome) and powers

Of course vigilantes can be sanctimonious hypocrites judging others and letting themselves go unscrutinized condemning others when they do the same thing for less reasons I think it is disgusting they don't share their scientific breakthroughs (of course inventors should be well compensated) with the scientific specifically medical community or their skills with law enforcement agencies far more good than beating up thugs and psychos fight crime at its source ignorance and poverty. I realize due to rarity and complexity mass production may not always be possible or at least cost effective and due to difficulty not all could take brutal training but a little bit could go a very, very long way. A hero doesn’t just save people a hero teaches the people to take care of themselves. The ability to think of future generation when calculating pragmatic utilitarianism is what separates us from the animals. The world is not the way it is because of thugs and psychopaths, corrupt businessmen/politicians (which contrary to fiction are the exception not the rule) but because most people are too stupid to know what is best for them the extreme left and extreme right get caught up in their ideals and refuse to acknowledge brutal facts of reality no real world understanding of the extreme complexities of politics, economics, technological logistics, and how they’re all interconnected in the long run. People want everything right here right now the whole world just handed to them on a silver platter think just by complaining something will happen without a tangible plan. Such a plan will require a lot of long, hard, boring work all day every day for generations.

There will always be some exploitation, the best and brightest will elevate themselves over the common man, it’s nature, best for the species, it improves the standard of living of the human race as a whole, as long as they don’t kill anyone or otherwise actively oppress, free trade and enterprise is the only thing that has ever led to long lasting meaningful peace

I'm glad the government has Suicide Squad, Cadmus, Checkmate, the Elite, Amanda Waller, and the new female Spy Smasher, Cameron Chase I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting accountability from superheroes, having checks and balances on these living breathing weapons of mass destruction seems quite reasonable to me one will go left when they should go right and innocent people will die it WILL happen, not saying black ops don't have their necessity they can be used as a force of good

Have you heard of The Boys

Say you’re Harry Truman, do you drop the bombs or do you drown the home islands in the blood of U.S. Marines BATMAN has no answer to that question

Sometimes the greatest good for the greatest number just means the least amount of suffering

Sometimes you have to cut deals with the lesser evil

Those in charge pacify the people by making sure they are comfortable. The villains at the top realize the dangers of a 0% Approval Rating and attempt to "buy over" the people in the most effective way possible: by improving their quality of life.

The government ensures a stable, if not always comfortable status quo. Simply put, there is peace in a sense and there is enough food to keep everyone alive. If the government is toppled, mayhem will ensue and nobody wants that, even if things may eventually become better—and there's no guarantee that they will.

The Devil you know is better than the Devil you don't. Sure, the people in charge are bad enough, but take a good hard look at who will take their place, look at all the others lurking out there—at home and abroad—waiting for the chance to take over—or worse, stage a civil war over who gets to grab the reins of the power vacuum, with attendant cross-fire. NO THANKS

I hate making villains buffoons and strawmen, if not lovable or sympathetic at least in cause, even if horrible they should still be impressive

Bruce's at least physical and mental equals Wrath-William Mallory/Elliot Caldwell, Prometheus, Owlman, Sin/Zin Tzu, Constantine Drakkon, Onomatopoeia, Leader of Kobra, Ra's al Ghul's League of Assassins/Society of Shadows (the people he went to for training) David Cain Lady Shiva, Alpha etc, Men of Death Shellcase, Detonator etc, Claws of the Demon, Kyle Abbot; All Caste, Hush, Black Mask, Catman, King Snake, KGBeast, Deashot, Zsasz, and Professor Strange, Nobody-Morgan Ducard, Kyodai Ken, Red Claw, Bane, Slade

Bats has never beaten Slade without the aid of his sidekicks and even then after being distracted for like a second Slade escaped and left his sword as proof he could kill him whenever he wanted

Ulysses Hadrian Armstrong should be Sin/Zin Tzu's apprentice, Scorn- Wrath's apprentice, Cricket ten year old master assassin

Insider Bruce’s Red X-like ID-amazo like armor
Paladin alternative Bruce Wayne like Cowboy Punisher
Clone/spliced with Deadshot/Terraman/Jonah Hex/King Faraday/Slam Bradley/Tommy Monaghan/Terry Sloan/Matches Malone/Lefty Knox
Calamity his protégé
White Canary, Twelve Brothers in Silk, Marque, Annalea

Always wanted the Wilsons a happy family Rose Adeline's kid also, Slade an agent of Checkmate on a Taskforce X with David Cain, Cluemaster, Deadshot, and Sportsmaster seeking redemption to make their families proud of them, I ship Rose with Jason "Red Hood" Todd, I think Red X is Grant and he could be with a reformed Blackfire, Wintergreen their Alfred, Rex the Wonderdog or an equally powerful wolf named Tarot

Slade does have a code of honor he spends most of his time off panel going after terrorists and the like, he doesn't act against U.S. interests unless his family is threatened he does love them very much, the show made him a bwahaha villain and sadly the comics followed suit though he did state making his children hate him so the Titans would trust them and give them the home he couldn't

You could make the argument Batman is a manipulative fascist at best and a paranoid psychotic a hair's width away from his enemies at worst, Penguin once reformed because he'd fallen in love (for real) and Batman's constant paranoia about him reverting to criminality is what eventually leads to him being sent back to jail, when the worst thing he'd done was violate his parole by mixing with criminals (inasmuch as he started a factory which was giving ex-cons a genuine, second chance by offering them a chance to earn an honest living)

the Calendar Man special had him reform, then Batman showed up in his apartment and snarled "I'll be watching you every moment of your life" so he went back to committing crime.

And he also kinda drove Harvey Dent back to being a criminal because he instantly suspected him of being a murderer

A certain amount of ruthlessness, ambition and desire for wealth is needed to get ahead in business. Ambition is about human achievement it’s only when this is taken too far (completely unfair to employees, consumers, or the environment) that’s it’s bad

Alternatively, utterly ruthless out of a fanatical dream to use his company to remake the world in the image of something he holds dear, for the greater good. Or alternatively he HAS to keep anything functioning or otherwise doing anything worthwhile because the alternatives are worse for everyone

he can and does make lots and lots of even more money with mundane means

Most corporate executives are simply businessmen who do their jobs, without overreaching or using unethical methods.

The man knows how business works, learns from others who have succeeded, and doesn't mind playing a bit dirty to achieve his goals.

The local/state/federal government's obscenely complicated regulations make it impossible for him to profit in the first place.

The person begins to start making quite a bit of money, so his even larger competitors make a "donation" to the re-election campaign of a powerful Senator. Said Senator then pushes for a whole slate of regulations that make it impossible for said person's business to continue making a profit.

The person's business becomes a great success. However, because he hired non-Union labor (he wouldn't have been able to afford Union labor, only bigger corporate competitors can), the Unions finance an Astroturf protest outside his business calling him a monstrous exploiter. The firestorm of public abuse drives him to sell his business to his competitors, thus reducing competition in the industry and resulting in every consumer paying much higher prices.

The person's business actually does fully succeed and make him a multi-millionaire. The amount of work said person had to do in order to get there means said person has very little leisure time to actually enjoy the wealth; said person is Married to the Job and hence has very few relationships
...So he devotes his life and fortune to serving the community, giving back to the impoverished classes he was once a part of

If someone had the insight, ability, and the guts to kill Hitler

The Authority are one of the few superhero teams who acknowledge that the massive collateral damage from their battles can and probably has caused civilian casualties. The general understanding is that it's an unfortunate but necessary evil, since allowing their enemies to rampage unchecked would cause even more death and destruction. It's also worth noting that they try to limit the damage when possible, such as evacuating civilians and fencing in the combat zone, and are frequently on hand afterwards to help with the emergency services dealing with the aftermath.
In post-apocalyptic wasteland, working closely with civilians to protect them from outside threats, risking their own lives when half of them had been Brought Down to Normal, and generally being very human and relatable
The team started out as extremely violent against potential world-ending threats, and was perfectly willing to kill thousands of invading superhuman terrorists, or cause extreme collateral damage in doing so. However, this is no different from the actions of regular soldiers, as they were extremely benevolent in other respects: such as helping to clear up the disaster zones after any conflict; feeding and hosting millions of war refugees, or victims of other disasters; protecting them from militias; freeing them from tyrannies through much less human casualties than a standard military could manage (through outgunning scare tactics); reforming supergenius criminals to help their research for cures to various diseases or life-improving technologies; and overall genuinely making the world into a better place. However, later writers who didn't like the themes arguably severely flanderised and tried to twist around the more idealistic notes that Ellis and Millar introduced, so among other things the team was tricked into "overthrowing the government of the US, and briefly taking over" (rather than, say, China, which would make far more sense)
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Zennith · Jun 26, 2014

Didn't we used to have a thread for this?

Alraune · Jun 26, 2014

I found one thread for the Harry Potter section but I could not find one for other fandoms.

Eyron · Jun 26, 2014

Wtf? That isn't a review that's a freaking novel.

Moridin · Jun 26, 2014

It's a troll.

The idea that ancient humans settled all those other planets is enough for that. Or saying that dropping an atom bomb on Gotham to kill Batman is almost understandable. Or... you get the idea.

yak · Jun 26, 2014

That's Syed's final evolutionary form.

Dark Minion · Jun 27, 2014

I'd say it's Taure.

Alraune · Jun 27, 2014

I just learned today that my buddy got the short version of his review. The longer version has him also talking about Raven's boobs and how great they are for some reason.

Raven has the biggest bosom of all the girls, hips as wide as her shoulders and her shapely legs, she can fight at least as equal to Starfire and she was trained by the Warlords of Okaara, they've trained some of the greatest warriors in the DCverse or even Wondergirl, and Lady Legasus

I always wanted Raven with Goth Boy him like Captain Marvel with Rorek and Malchior his dragon familiar or have them some kind of amalgam like Dante or virgil from Devil May Cry with guns, sword, guitar that makes lightning storms, magic briefcase/backpack/Santa's magic sack/bag cloak pull anything from, but black clothes or like a good teenage Dr. Doom/Lord Havok master of sorcery and superscience or from hidden kingdom that avoided White Martians' ancient experiments and thus stronger, tougher, and faster than Kryptonians like Vartox/Paragon as well as inherit white plasma on par with the Starheart/Shazam's magic lightning or Prince Stygia like kid Eternity, or a teenage Shadow (Kent Allard/Lamont Cranston) or Spider (Richard Wentworth) but like Edison Rex’s Eclipse I or Shine- Good teenage clone of Darkseid when he was still human looking spliced with Drax the Infinity Man and Highfather and Yuga Khan

Sunstone/Fortress of Solitude/Wonderdome/New Themyscira/Thalarion/Mythlands-Cosmopolitan, Multiethnic/Omniethnic/Citizenry of the Empire of the Silver Snake/Gem World/Skartaris/Nth Metal/Mother Box-Element X
Vandal Savage, King Kull, Ra’s al Ghul, Night Haunter- Brighthammer- Dark Claw Amalgam
Baphomet- Onomatopoeia’s fake hero ID, Huntress’s protégé
Lex Luthor, Aleander Luthor Sr/Jr./Mazahs/Alexis
Aqua-Mariner, Amalgam Namor, Aquaman and Dead KingAtlan/Sea King/Thanatos/Kordax/The Thirst; Ocean Master Black Manta
Astarte/Veronica Cale Theana, Paula/Gerta von Gunther, Bruna-Brunhilde, Gudra/Gundra, Deva, Dark Angel, Miss Gsptlsnz

Gargareans, Mythlands-Cosmopolitan, Multiethnic/Omniethnic
Black Adam, Osiris, Neron, Despero

Red King

Wonder Woman kicks Batman's butt every time they fight because that's what happens when a normal person goes against a super of that caliber with no kryptonite factor, of course they also have similar tactical mindsets or at least fighting skills and with her superior abilities she obviously has the advantage

You can only call Waller a villain in that she'll sacrifice the one for the many, she has a moral line and whether you agree with her or not it does not move, she's made Bats back down and acknowledge she has a point the CSA the Justice Lords

Antimatter Earth-3 Alexander Luthor/Mazahs/Doc Savage/Edison Rex/Xanatos/Hank Scorpio/Oliver Warbucks-self-made man, never lost the common touch and never forgot where he came from, felt strongly that business owners had a responsibility to treat their employees fairly and had an equally great hatred of corruption

I always imagined nanotech like Spawn or the Darklings, Matrix, Satan Girl, Belinda Zee, Supragirl, Superior Girl, Divine, Nuclear Men, Bizarros-stronger, Smarter, faster, tougher, better looking than Supes, Ms. Gsptlsnz, OMACS, Warsuits Luthor's power armor, Havokoids, Warmaker 1s, Alphina Brainiacs, enhanced Doomsday clones (Steel/Cyborg Superman/Eradicator, Tactile TK), Doomslayer, Superdoom, World Killers, Pargon, Vartox, Amazo

Rao's familiars- Flamebird and Nightwing

Familiars- Wolves, Scratch-9-Gyrinx-Sabretooth/Witch familiar/pharaoh-Alley-Kat-Abra (Sleen),Ravens (American Eagle), Monkey, Winged Unicorn, Gryphon, (Black, White, Gray, Rainbow) Phoenix, Phaethon and Savitar, the sun dogs (dragons-cat to Kaiju sized)- born out of Solaris' own nuclear furnace, and heir to his hydrogen-fueled power and fury Octus, the eight-dimensional cephalopod - from the bottom of the seas of neptune. While it is impossible for creatures limited to a three-dimensional perception of the universe to fully understand his powers, his weird limpet grenades have proven to be most effective weapons.

Wormhole - unfathomable denizens of the black gulfs between stars, with the ability to bend space and time to his command
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Chime · Jun 28, 2014

Grade A copypasta material, thanks for bringing this to our attention.

SmileOfTheKill · Jun 28, 2014

I thought the answer was going to be every review on FF.net. Instead I got copypasta. I'm disappointed.

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