Just read the chapter. Excellent! You really put a lot of thought into everything, not once did I stop and this 'Would that really work?' I also loved the stuff with Gnarf, a great way to insert a little humor into a story like this. And I am actually pretty happy that you had to split the chapter up, there are so few gems like this that I am happy this will be longer than planned.

 

I know i've probably said it before but, IP the way you write is excellent, it has been a while where i've truly been invigorated by reading a fic, so kudos. My only objection would have to be about Gnarf and the way it was drawn out, dont get me wrong you explained marvelously how and why it was done, it just seemed to be to far prolonged in the dialect.

You had me riveted the whole way through it, the cliffhanger that you left at the end had me nearly raging at the injustice of not being able to know what happens with the confrontation, well done. I say that you complete this before going back to you other fic but then thats only because im so enthralled to know what happens next.

 

You're right about the gnome. It is drawn out, even after deleting a bunch of lines.

It happened to me before, in the last 2 chapters of PR. Every time I start writing an in-depth dialogue, I try to make it as perfect and realistic as possible; cover all the potential holes, put in realistic diversions and chitchat, have each character offer a reasonable resistance to manipulations, add several twists and turns.. etc... It seems that's definitely taking it too far.

I'll try to correct this tendency in my future writing.

 

Well, excellent chapter. Harry sure has a great deal of patience, I would killed small fuck sooner :-/

Great work, ip82.

 

Great chapter. The Burrow scene was awesome, and I can't wait for more. The whole time I was hooked. Amazing job. 5/5

Now get to Potters Resistance.

 

In my defense, this was just 40% of my original chapter. But it was just long, so I had to split up...

 

Overall, I think this chapter is much better than the previous one.

Some minor probs:

The dialogue has already been mentioned.

How could Harry's hearing amplification charm work? Surely the wards would've cast an all-encompassing silencing charm over the Burrow? Otherwise any random Death Eater would've just stood outside and eavesdropped all day.

Shouldn't Harry have had more trouble with his detection charms? Personally, I think that Bill should've had some wards preventing that. Just add a sentence or two saying Harry has special training or that he tortured or fed truth potion to Moody to find out the wards or the key to detecting them in the Burrow.

You should write another story describing Harry's adventures.

 

Personally I found Harry's and Gnarf's conversation to be hilarious. I really enjoyed it.

ROFL!!

Great Job with the chapter, and Harry's characterization was very well done. But damn you with that cliffhanger...grrr I want some more!

Keep up the superb work, IP.

 

At some point, I think you should have Harry use a ritual or something to recombine himself into one being instead of all the Harrys from time travel. Overall great chapter. 5/5

 

The chapter was excellent, 5/5 for sure.

I'm trying to look back to give some constructive criticism, but I really can't find anything at all wrong with it apart from the dialogue with Gnarf.

Ip82, I wouldn't say it was taking it too far (I mean trying to make it as perfect, realistic as possible). I'm not sure because at the moment your dialogues to me seem very well done, realistic and not at all forced.

You write very well, probably because you're trying that hard, and thinking of all the possibilities. It's probably why your writing is so good, so rather than stop that tendency, maybe ask your beta specifically what they think of your dialogue, too long/short etc. Because, if you write a dialogue trying to keep it short; it might reduce the quality of it. Also maybe the fact that it was just a gnome, a character that had no purpose apart from poisoning the cauldron and it made the in-depth dialogue pretty boring to read after a while. It was probably necessary to the plot, showing the plan of convincing the gnome to poison it, but it's not very interesting to read. If you put that much effort into a dialogue with any other major character, whether it was important to the plot or not, as long as it was interesting to read I think it would be well received.

This is just what I think; it's probably not worded very well though.

 

I just couldnt stand the Gnome part I skimmed over it. I just couldnt take it. Other than that I loved it. Update soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Great chapter Harry's character was perfect. The description of the Burrow scene was great. My only problem was the scene with Gnarf it was painful to read, seriously you get rid of 3/4 of it and the story wouldn't lose any of its value but would be more enjoyable to read.

 

Not to harp on the topic of Gnarf, but while it might have been a bit too long the comic relief aspect of the situation balanced out the darkness of Harry's intent nicely. Plus it's nice to know that he's not all powerful and still has to deal with irritating lower beings who just won't cooperate as opposed to everything instantly going his way.

 

I was starting to wonder whether or not this was going to be abandoned. I'm so glad its not. Excellent as the last, except for Gnarf which you already know. Just took to long.

I liked the way you described the wards, but I would have thought they would have gone off with "Do you mean harm to any known occupant of the premises" I would also have thought their would have been more questions.

I loved it though and can't wait for the next chapter

 

Why? I'm sure there's tension within the Order. They'd surely set up notification if someone is slightly unstable, but to block out entrance? That would surely create a mess of things (imagine Moody & Snape, if he was still there).

Harry is walking down the perimeter while the wards are asking questions. There's just so much that can be asked in such limited time frame.

 

I really liked this chapter, and the interaction with Gnarf was superb. I could almost feel Harry's anger and was urging him to just kill the little bugger. Hopefully the next installment is right behind this one. Nice job IP.

 

Opposed to everyone else, I thought the Gnarf dialogue was very well done: you managed to carry across Harry's frustrations as well as a lower being's sentiments. All too often, creatures portrayed in the HP universe are at or above the human intelligence. Giant spiders to Centaurs to Goblins to Unicorns to Hippogriffs, they are universally intelligent, like they had to sit the fucking SAT to qualify for their license to interact with humans. Even house elves, atrocious grammar and all, are regarded as extremely intelligent and often treated by "decent" people as humans; their grammar merely being the result of an oppressive atmosphere not conductive to proper learning. Fanfic authors fall into the SPEW mentality from the books and can't escape, as if just because a creature is magical means that it should be able to converse with an adult human about Faulkner over tea.

Bullshit.

Gnarf is a fucking gnome. Gnomes are not at human intelligence levels, no matter what the 'power of tru wuv' crowd says. Thank you for making him an idiot creature with atrocious grammar, logic, and practically no intelligence. His stupidity and base instincts are a true credit to your honesty in writing and other authors' lack of ingenuity and creative thinking. Personally, I rejoiced when Harry fried the fucker not because he was annoying but because finally someone had the guts to write a magical animal as that: a fucking ANIMAL, and then kill it as one would put down a rabid dog or lame horse when it became diseased and a threat to Harry's plans. Screw magical PETA, kill a gnome today!

The only complaint I have about the story is the ward questioning. If the wards truly waited for one's gut reactions to manifest themselves as electrical impulses in the fore of the brain, how on earth was he able to manipulate his innate reactions? If it was some sort of Occlumency, why on earth would Bill use such a ward? While I admire your ingenuity, it just seemed kind of, well, stupid and half-formed. Would it have been that hard to have an aggressive response of failing the question of “Do you mean harm to any known occupant of the premises?”, like "Will you refuse to follow through with this intent, through action or inaction, while on the premise?" I guess that would kind of screw Harry over for getting through the wards, but if Bill was good enough to think of the TMR/LV question, why wouldn't he be thorough enough with this one? A minor point, but it really bugged me for some reason.

Overall, very nice chapter; I can't wait to see what he says to the wedding guests...

 

Heh, once again, I'm bringing up an example of Snape & Moody. Even though Snape's no longer there, the wards have to be designed so to allow even such two people to enter the premises, without activating the counter-defenses.

If these was the wards meant to protect some ordinary family, you'd be right. But when projecting wards for a military-like organization, you have to consider that people in it are basically strangers, often brought together only by a similar idea or a goal. So the best thing you can do is make sure they won't actively try to kill each other. As for any underlying hostility, which is UNAVOIDABLE, you can only report it to the ward keeper and let them deal with it.

BTW, when Harry had tested the wards, he saw the list of questions he would have to face. He didn't go blindly in. I didn't mention this because I thought it was obvious and also, I didn't want to spoil the entrance scene.

 

Chapter 3 is posted now.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3087210/3/

As always, my profile was updated as well, if anyone cares.

Well, that's it. I'm off now to write some Potter's Resistance. See you next year