Can we call Voldemort "Moldyshorts"? We'll go full indy!Harry on him and mock him for being noseless and snake-faced, and for being a half blood. I kinda want to see him react to that.

 

And a fedora too, I suppose? :facepalm

 

DLP!Harry discovers his Magical Core and jumps infront of the Knight Bus, thus giving Stan Shunpike a psychosis so deep, that he rises as a new Dark Lord.

 

Come on guys, we all know that no matter what form this took it wouldn't end well for Harry, the world and us. I predict blood, screams and tears (not necessarily in that order) and a lot of gratuitous female nudity ...

 

DLP would never reach consensus about what to do in the Harry Potter universe.

This would obviously cause the hive mind to split in tiny individual pieces like Voldemort split his soul, and we'd be hunted by the Unspeakables and shit.

Then we'd end up in the Department of Mysteries, as an example of what not to do when magically transported between universes.

 

I thought we were acting out terrible fandom tropes

 

Well given that it is DLP we're talking about, terrible fandom tropes would be the last thing we'd do, right?

 

I think it obvious what would happen if DLP woke up as Harry: the permanent ward of St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries gets a new resident.

 

Maybe we should stop overthinking it - pork every hot babe, fuck shit up and engage in ass-kicking.

 

...How? Re-enact The Office?

 

You know, this reminds me of that Bunny I did that one time:

 

"Yer a wizard, Harry," said Hagrid.

"I - I'm a what?" asked Harry with surprise.

"A wizard! And a thumpin' good 'un, I'll wager, once you've been trained up a bit."

[BULLSHIT]
[I THINK YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE]
[I THINK YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE]
[I THINK YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE]
[BULLSHIT]
[I'M A WHAT?]
[YOUR MUM'S A WIZARD]
[I'M A WIZARD!]
[FUCK YEAH, I'M A WIZARD!]

"Fuck yeah, I'm a wizard!" exclaimed Harry.

Hagrid paused in shock at Harry's crude language.

"Well - uh - at least yer enthusiastic," replied Hagrid awkwardly.

 

Every member of DLP incarnates simultaneously into Harry's mind. The constant psychic bickering promptly earns him a bed alongside Alice and Frank Lombottom. After a brief and bloody power struggle, Voldemort conquers magic, the world, and death.

The he sits around for the rest of eternity being really, really fucking bored. Only Voldemort still exists when the universe finally implodes, and from the singularity of Voldemort's lingering soul, a new Big Bang pours forth, creating the new universe from the raw creatia of Voldemort's soul, making him the true capital-G God of this new existence.

All hail our Dark God Voldemort. Horcruxed be his name.

Sundays are cancelled. The Sabbath shall now be held on Monday.

 

Nah. If fanfiction had taught me anything it's that we need to spend ask of Harry's gold on buying a tropical island. Then we transform it into a skull.

 

Well... having a bespoke suit from Savile Row is one of my goals in life.

lol, see, the only prayer such a Harry Potter would have is if all the voices started forming factions, until they've narrowed it down to only two or three sides. Anything else leads to insanity.
(Just ask the first people who tried this: Their forum was, if I recall correctly, called Dark Lord Riddle...)

So sayeth team Sharp-Dressed Man.

 

I'm assuming we'd wake up in the cupboard before first year.

Terribly headache would ensue as we all figure out what the fuck to do. Eventually the whispers would be drowned out by the louder voices, i.e the regulars.

We'd cycle through all the crazy shit we could and should do before eventual rationality sets in. We resist the urge to torture The Dursleys. Vash would be dissuaded from his attempts to rape Petunia because, "Fuck it why not."

We'd most likely pick a different compartment on the train just because we'd want to avoid a canon rehash and things would spiral from there. Probably immerse ourselves in magical theory.

Flirt ridiculously hard with Dumbledore just to freak him out.

Studiously ignore Snape as much as possible.

There's a myriad of possibilities but as a community, we generally lean the same way.

 

I think the conversation has derailed long enough from the most important matter. Banging every remotely attractive female on Harry's life, guys! That is the best we could do.