1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice

Complete A Brother's Betrayel by Chereche - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Goddessa39, Sep 12, 2011.

1.375/5, 24 votes
Page 1 of 2
  1. Goddessa39

    Goddessa39 DA Member

    Messages:
    162
    Location:
    My Mind, Earth
    Sep 12, 2011 #1
    Prefix: Complete, Oneshot,
    Subject: A Brother's Betrayal by Chereche - T for Teen


    Title: A Brother's Betrayal
    Author: Chereche
    Rating: T
    Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Family
    DLP Category: The Alternates or maybe General, because it is a Twin!Harry fic, but also a oneshot.
    Pairing: It holds with the basis of James/Lily, and the familial bonds of twins and parents/children. There are no actual romantic pairings to muddle through.
    Status: Complete, Oneshot,
    Summary: The second, less famous and misunderstood son of Lily and James Potter, reaches his breaking point when he finds that he cannot trust the only person he ever looked up to, his own brother. Can their relationship survive his brother's betrayal?

    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6097877/1/A_Brothers_Betrayal

    I looked at the following link to see if it had been posted, but I have not seen it. It has been a while since I loaded on to DLP so I cannot find the file where all the entered works were marked down. http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=14917

    I found this little bit off of Carmine Rose's favorites on FF. I am an avid reader of Wrong!BWL fics, but this is not one of them... or of it is there is no mention of it. Instead, this is going more into the psychological side of what it is like to be in the limelight and still a family of different minds. There is no great-power-of-the-universe here, or some magical reason to do anything besides the completely-acceptable-even-by-scientists bond between twins.

    As to bashing of characters, it is completely realistic. Hermione is studious and into one-upmanship. No twin is perfect or the same. Ron is an immature berk who seriously needs life counseling. Hogwarts is not all smiles and roses. The teachers are often no voice of reason. [Anyone else believe this is likely because they are all overworked and stressed the heck out? I mean, there has to be around 120 students, at the least, and only about six to nine teachers. I don't really count Dumbles because he is supposed to be a sort of paper pusher or something. How can they handle that many differing ideas and actions in a private school of magic?]

    I give this a 5/5 oneshot not because of any great action, but because of the mental detail and how real-to-life it is.
     
  2. Kang

    Kang Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Messages:
    1,205
    Location:
    England
    Sep 12, 2011 #2
    The biggest sappiest piece of shit I have read in a long time.

    I would go on more but I need to go wash my mouth out as the fail has left a bad taste in there.

    1/5 and the author has a Veela!Draco/HPotter fic. Inconceivable.
     
    sirius009
  3. Captain Trips

    Captain Trips High Inquisitor

    Messages:
    567
    Location:
    Sweden
    Sep 12, 2011 #3
    Didn't like it, 1/5 from me
     
  4. Jibril

    Jibril Headmaster

    Messages:
    1,148
    Location:
    50.26°N, 19.02°E
    Sep 12, 2011 #4
    This is why I know this story will be shit, even before reading it.
     
    calutron, Psychotic Cat, mknote, Alraune, Rhys, Anarchy, Carmine, Nae, knuckz, Lungs
  5. Parac

    Parac First Year

    Messages:
    38
    Sep 12, 2011 #5
    This is awesome. It tries so hard to be whimsical and sad that I couldn't help laughing out loud when James said "Harry is suffering from emotional trauma."

    Unfortunately one chuckle doesn't excuse the rest.

    The start - as the one thing I didn't just skim - reads like a mix of cleverbot and the infinite monkey theorem gone unsurprisingly wrong. Realism is right out the window when Harry starts getting on a soapbox in front of his family about his deep 'trauma'.

    Cue the part where everyone is either feeling horribly sorry, getting yelled at for not treating Harry better, or both.

    And well, the basic idea is garbage. 1/5.
     
  6. dlavi

    dlavi First Year

    Messages:
    37
    Sep 12, 2011 #6
    The first couple of paragraph's until the twins start Hogwarts is readable.Then it goes south,sharply.I was honestly expecting something.....different.The behavior of the Hogwarts population seems overtly dramatized and the entire story seems to be constructed for one purpose-the climax,if you will.

    The main thing here is that you could have the closing sequence at any of the Hogwarts years or even after it and it would make little difference.It seems far too....generic for the one-shot to have its moment.The interactions between the brothers seems a bit too ideal till it goes bad.

    Decent spelling and grammar my complaint is with the uniqueness or the lack ,of the plot.

    2.5/5 Rounded off to the lower one.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2011
  7. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

    Messages:
    509
    Location:
    Germany occupied Greece
    High Score:
    4495+2362
    Sep 12, 2011 #7
    Hilariously horrible. Decent grammar.
    2/5
     
  8. Thaumologist

    Thaumologist DA Member ~ Prestige ~

    Messages:
    156
    Location:
    Wrexham, Wales
    High Score:
    2000
    Sep 12, 2011 #8
    No problems with it, but I only read it as it was short.

    So, to sum it all up...
    Harry is even more pathetic than canon. His brother realises. Harry gets sad. His brother realises. Harry gets better. The end. Also, Hermione and Ron aren't very nice.


    I think bland is the best word to describe this. Like the drabble collection from a while ago about Harry being mentally retarded and Dudley being nice and Snape not being evil, this has no real need to be set in Harry Potter land. Although it would still be boring if it was set on Omnicrom Persei 8, or Ankh Morpork (and I doubt even Pratchett could save this plot).

    1/5 for being readable, but nothing else.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2011
  9. Rahkesh Asmodaeus

    Rahkesh Asmodaeus THUNDAH Bawd Admin DLP Supporter

    Messages:
    5,129
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Sep 12, 2011 #9
    *shrug*

    It was what it was. You all knew what you were getting into when reading it, you saw the genre it was in, and that it was a twin Potter fic. Hating on it after knowing all this... kinda stupid, fellas. If you dislike it for specific reasons, say so, like I'm doing below. Just don't go, "Too emo. Too angsty." That's the fucking genre that it's in. It's meant to be angsty. Stop your bitching.

    It would have been excellent if Harry wasn't... a girl. Basically. Everything he did, every way the author described him was feminine. I think that the author wanted to show the difference between Harry and Evan, but damn. I mean, clutching the parcel to his chest and running away in tears? That's just completely womanlike and gay. I'd like to believe most guys would punch the shit out of Ron and/or Evan.

    4/5 for me.
     
    calutron, Rin, Thaumologist
  10. The Santi

    The Santi Professor

    Messages:
    478
    Location:
    Library
    Sep 13, 2011 #10
    Twin fic? Those always suck.

    Do not want.
     
    sirius009, Randeemy, Swimdraconian, Jibril, Luda, Iztiak, Dr. Strange Lulz, calutron, Vesvius, Cyclops, Rin, Andro, fuubar, Perspicacity, silverlasso, hchan1, Khazad-Dumb, Anme, KrzaQ, oephyx, Hashasheen, Coelacanth, Captain Trips, Lukaskr, Portus, Tasoli, Psychotic Cat, mknote, Zennith, Mishie, Lamora, Alraune, Blazzano, Fiat, Moridin, silentclock, Jormungandr, Republic, Böhser Onkel, The Arid Legion, Palurien, T3t, Vincent, Aerylife, oakes, knuckz, Nargles, Rubicon, Thaumologist, Lungs
  11. Tellie571

    Tellie571 First Year

    Messages:
    44
    Sep 13, 2011 #11
    Not to disagree with your statement Santi, but isn't your fic also a Twin Fic technically speaking? I'd think so and it's fucking awesome, so you shouldn't discount it just beacuse it is a twin fic. But yeah I agree the majority of those I've read are bloody horrible, with a few exceptions.
     
  12. Thaumologist

    Thaumologist DA Member ~ Prestige ~

    Messages:
    156
    Location:
    Wrexham, Wales
    High Score:
    2000
    Sep 13, 2011 #12
    :facepalm

    /tenchar
     
    Randeemy, Luda, Iztiak, Azrael's Little Helper, calutron, Rin, Jjf88, Kang, fuubar, silverlasso, scaryisntit, Tellie571, Bucks, KrzaQ, Beonid, Kthr, Hashasheen, Coelacanth, Psychotic Cat, mknote, Zennith, Lamora, Alraune, Tehlaziboi, Trig, Jormungandr, Tenages, Republic, The Arid Legion, knuckz, Rubicon, Plothole, Lungs, Little Knee, El Duderino
  13. Klackerz

    Klackerz Bridgeburner

    Messages:
    786
    Location:
    India
    Sep 13, 2011 #13
    Guess some people on the net doesn't get sarcasm?
     
  14. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

    Messages:
    1,789
    Location:
    California
    Sep 13, 2011 #14
    Sounds like complete shit. Not even going to bother reading this. I get bored reading most "twinfics", and 99% of them are absolute garbage. You'll have to excuse me while I pass on this.
     
  15. Tellie571

    Tellie571 First Year

    Messages:
    44
    Sep 13, 2011 #15
    perhaps not, I for sure don't reckognise it when I'm juiced up on beer and cheap coffee
     
  16. Randeemy

    Randeemy Headmaster DLP Supporter

    Messages:
    1,069
    Location:
    England
    Sep 13, 2011 #16
    Surely that's when it becomes even clearer?
     
    Tellie571, Jormungandr
  17. Kang

    Kang Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Messages:
    1,205
    Location:
    England
    Sep 13, 2011 #17
    Fair enough Sree but just because its listed under Angst doesnt excuse its failure of attempting a coherent plot, its shoddy characterizations of people or its utter fail of creating conflict between the characters.

    Giving it 4/5 makes some of the fics in the WBA look 9000/5 in comparison.
     
  18. BZAR

    BZAR First Year

    Messages:
    20
    Location:
    Michigan
    Sep 14, 2011 #18
    I don't think it was too bad. I mean, yeah, Harry was a total drama queen about the whole 'betrayal' thing. It's also highly unrealistic that he would suffer 'emotional trauma' from it.

    But the writing wasn't so bad, and it's better than some. Though it did piss me off when the brothers name was Evan.

    2.5/5
     
  19. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

    Messages:
    8,378
    Location:
    The South
    Sep 19, 2011 #19
    I'm out of Thumbs!Up for Sree and Santi, damn.

    It irks me when people give stories a 1/5 because they "just didn't like it" without giving solid reasons other than it being in a genre they don't like anyway. Hell if something is "readable" in that it has good grammar and formatting I'll usually bump it up to a 2/5 unless it's just completely ridiculous.

    That said I haven't read this yet. I will do so after supper and edit this post.

    Edit: Yeah it's pretty bad. Angst isn't my favorite, but I don't usually mind it if it's done well. But a toddler having such a strong urge to protect that he steps in front of his brother to take the killing curse for him? Giving a toddler way too much credit in several areas there.

    They don't seem to have set up the "poor little Harry" bit very well. Why does he have such an inferiority complex? Simply saying that it's because his brother is the BWL doesn't cut it for me. Ron telling his best mate that something just isn't right with his brother? When Ron has loads of brothers that he doesn't always see eye to eye with? Again I need to see more of a reason than what we're given.

    And yeah, Harry acts like an abused girl, which I find irksome. Since he is neither a girl nor does he appear to have been abused.

    I feel like the author botched the set-up here. They should either have done less of it and left more of the relationship between the brothers to be inferred/assumed, or done more of it to show us their experiences in more detail. As it is they seem to have used just the wrong amount for they are attempting.

    The concept of the story does have some potential as an Angsty!fic. They're about the right age for RAGE!HORMONES!WEEP and whatnot, being 14 when the "drama" occurs. The concept of Harry's efforts to make a birthday present being misconstrued as him working on something Dark also has the potential to be a good idea -- but the execution is horrible. Damn near nothing in this story is "believable" in my view.

    I only skimmed through Chapter 3 (the final chapter) but it looked to be much the same quality.

    Rating? 2/5. It does have a basic plot, it's completed, and the grammar is decent. If you want something of this nature (overdone angst) to read, then it might be worth your time in the category of "almost recommended" but that's about it imo.
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2011
  20. Carmine

    Carmine Unspeakable

    Messages:
    728
    Location:
    University of Nottingham
    Sep 20, 2011 #20
    Goddamn it. What the fuck was I thinking? :facepalm

    On the story; mediocre, not a clue why I favourited it a year ago. As people have said, the characters could be altered and minor details changed and then it wouldn't even be about Harry Potter anymore. Also, angsty as fuck.

    I think it is technically well written, but I literally don't think I could find this less interesting.

    3/5 for solid writing.
     
Page 1 of 2