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A Killer's Path by Vincent V - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Vincent V, Aug 4, 2006.

  1. Vincent V

    Vincent V Slug Club Member

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    Location:
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    Title: A Killer's Path
    Author: Vincent V (Wild Thing8 )
    Rating: Teen
    Genre: Action/Adventure, Horror(Not much -if any-right now though)
    Pairing: None
    Status: W.I.P
    Summary:AU! Nikolai is a coldblooded killer. Problem is he's the BoyWhoLived as well. It's not going to be pretty when he is arrested and sent to Hogwarts for reform. Dark!Manipulatemeanddie! Harry. NO SLASH
    Links: FF.Net

    Hey, this is my attempt at a Dark!Harry fic. I honestly don't know if this is good or not (Can never judge my own fics.) Next chapter will be up in a few days as soon as my beta gets it back to me.

    I'd like some constructive criticism here. Tell me what I need to do better, what's good, what's not, etc.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2006
  2. Dark Lord Rostam

    Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

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    Chapter 1
    Harry seems to be too strong, too fast. You write well, but maybe he shouldn't, at age 5, be stronger than both Voldemort and Dumbledore combined. I like how you are using Lucius and how he isn't pathetic. He is in Voldemorts Inner Circle for fucks sake, Right hand man, it couldn't have been just his money to get him that. Good thing that Draco is useful, but he is still a pathetic shit, heh, nice on that part. Damn. Why did you have Harry get captured right after he finished the job? You make him out as this perfect assassin, and he gets owned by the dumbfuck Order.

    Chapter 2
    Ninja stars...Pistol..body is pure muscle. Jebus, are you channeling Stained Future? I'm sorry, but while the first chapter was good, the second screamed Stained Future. You need to take out some stuff, such as Ninja stars. It could really either continue and go Stained, or it could be the makings for a good Assassin!Harry.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2006
  3. Fuegodefuerza

    Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

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    Good work. Although it's not the most original premise in the world, you put a nice spin on it, which was good to see. Lucius could use some fleshing out, maybe to show the differences between him in your story and the Lucius in canon. Also, you're going to have to come up with an explanation for having Hermione being friends with Ron and Ginny, because without Harry, I think that Hermione would be a small blood stain on the club of a troll right now.

    You write well, and it's interesting to read, so keep it up and update soon.
     
  4. Necrule Paen

    Necrule Paen DLP Elite DLP Supporter

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    It is a decent start, I liked how you started the fic with the assassination of Bagman, it grabbed my attention from the start.

    Kudos in having him succeed in the assassination, usually people have him fail and that kind of ruins the whole top assassin thing they had going.

    One thing that bothered me was the parenthesis, you can integrate most if not all of the comments into the story without issue and parenthesis ruin immersion.

    Another thing is that I find it unrealistic that Hermione and Ron would actually believe Nicolai when he says that he killed her parents. The rest of the confrontation is fine, just change that little detail.

    Oh almost forgot, why didn't Lucius recognize him from his scar. That needs some explaining.

    Those are my only concerns for now, good luck.
     
  5. rj_stone2

    rj_stone2 Seventh Year

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    In addition to the overpowering of Harry in the first chapter, I'm unclear as to why he is actually going to Hogwarts. In the story, there seems to be nothing preventing him from apparating away any time he likes (at the train platform, or simply making a break from Hogwarts). It would make more sense if he had some kind of plan that required him to be at Hogwarts, or if Dumbledore had done something with a little more bite to it to keep him there (i.e. wizard's oath to complete his sixth year of schooling at Hogwarts or something).

    I also thought the capture was a little implausible. It would make more sense either for him to allow himself to be captured (if he has some plan requiring access to Hogwarts) or for him to be surprised by Dumbledore after lingering too long inside.

    Also, on this timeline I'm not clear on how Voldemort was reborn.
     
  6. Vincent V

    Vincent V Slug Club Member

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    Thanks all for reviewing.

    DLR- Your right about the Stained Future shit. I got rid of the pistol and the ninja stars <- *shudder* and the power Harry had at age five.

    Fue and Necrule- Lucius will be explained in the next few chapters. Added a conversation between Ron, Hermy, and Ginslut that indicated how she knew it was Harry that killed her parents and how they got together.

    rj stone- I added that little thing to the thing the oath.

    Now you'll gotta relize it was 2 in the morning when I wrote most of ch2. So-being the idiot I am- I went right up and posted it before I could revise.

    Oh and I am rewriting Harry's capture. All of this will be up in like 10-15 mins.
     
  7. mcatrage

    mcatrage Raptured to Hell

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    not bad i'm enjoying it.

    3 things though

    are there going to be more flashbacks? (like when malfoy realizes that he is harry potter)

    how is voldemort back? (what has happened also should we assume normal movement through the books, and how the hell can r/h do the chamber of secrets)

    would he really take a job from voldemort though just seems weird to me.

    oh yeah 3/5
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2006
  8. Vincent V

    Vincent V Slug Club Member

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    There will be more flashbacks, Voldemort will be explained, and Harry doesn't care who he works for as long as he is paid.
     
  9. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

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    Non-verbal incantations! Assasin must be silent.
     
  10. KANE

    KANE Groundskeeper

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    I liked the majority of it. I hadn't read it before you made the changes so I didn't get a bad impression by the stained future. Good writing style, and your able to get the readers attention when you want to. Didn't notice (m)any mistakes in spelling or grammer and most of it is explained in good detail (except the examples from macattrage, but they will be explained, I'm sure.).

    Overall, an interesting fic with a lot of originality
    Recommended. 3-4/5
     
  11. Brooklynight

    Brooklynight Seventh Year

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    Same review I posted on ff.net

    Hey, Brooklynight from DLP here.

    As I said before I enjoyed reading your fic and it seems to have few gramatical/spelling mistakes, I caught a few but nothing that would keep me from reading. The idea of Harry being an assasin isn't an orignal one but there aren't that many of them and few of them are well written.

    There are a few thing that I think you could improve upon however. I liked the begining, it set the fic up well. The flash back after that however could be improved IMO. I like the idea of Lucious raising Harry but you hardly spend any time on Harry being turned into a killer. I'm not saying that you have to make a several chapter long flash back but a perhaps you could revisit his upbringing in latter chapters. Personally I didn't like the idea of Malfoy being a Empath but thats your decision, since you made make sure that you keep the ability in mind when you write further sceans involving Malfoy Sr. so that you don't create a major plot hole. One more thing about the opening, Harry seems to be rather more cunning then his canon self in the way he manipulates Tom escpecially since he's five.

    You created a potential plot hole in the Assasination of Hermione's parents. You said that the house has nearly unbreakable wards but when Harry get there all he finds is a weak anit-apparation ward and is able to break down the door with a single curse. Also you never explain why Snape was able to detect that the assasin was Harry. Please don't say Legillimency since the sorting hat which has the knowledge of the founders isn't able to break into Harry's mind. Snape simply being able to recognize Harry also seems unlikely since Harry was invloved with DE's before and Snape never recognized him before. Harry has over 200 killings under his belt so it would be likely that he would have been recognized by a witness or employer if it was that easy to spot him.

    Flatus is the clinical name for passing gas so unless this is intentional you might want modify the name of this spell.

    Also rifles and guns are extremly hard to get in England. Its possiable that Mr. Granger has a rifle for some reason but I think you could get rid of the gun and not have any impact on the story. Besides its unlikly that Mr. Granger would open the door with a weapon in hand, if you have him do it mention how he knew that the person at the door was there to kill him.

    I didn't like Harry simply being caught of guard by a stunner since he should know better because of his experisnce but its a minor point so whatever.

    Harry's phyiscal description:

    5'6"= good and realistic

    Ninja Stars= I fail to see the point but if you include them use them

    rough, black leather gloves= why? its the summer and its harder to do everything especially shoot in thick gloves, a charm could take care of finder prints as would thin gloves, alot of EMS/Law Enforcement people that I've met either wear thin leather gloves or mechanic gloves.

    What sort of shirt has a hood attached to it? A sweat shirt, wind breaker perhaps.

    Not really important but as a gun buff what make and model pistol dose he carry. Also since Harry's jeans conceal his daggers what hides the holster?

    The interogation could be better. I don't see the point of Harry starting to curse Dumbledore out, he's a professional make him act like one. Voldemort hates Dumbledore more then anyone else but manages to maintain his composure areound him. Sirius crying didn't go over to well but I suppose that I could see it.

    Dumbledore mentioning the prophesy in front of Harry should be cut, Dumbledore wouldn't let that gem out that easily, I'm sure there's a better way for Harry to learn about the prophesy. The oath seems really simple and again Dumbledore isn't an idiot I understand that you want to give Harry some wiggle room but try to thing of a more elaborate way to do it.

    The train scean was good except that I don't see why Harry would just blurt out that he's the one that killed her parents like that, if he wants to make her suffer there woucld be better times to break the news. Suppose he tells her in private but for some reason she can't tell anybody else, just an idea. Also I don't think the fact that Harry is an assaine should be widly know I think that the story would be more interesting that way .

    As it stands now l'll give it 3.5/4 but you can easily improve with the next chapter.
     
  12. dgHouse

    dgHouse First Year

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    It would have been fine if the order would have taken him out if it was Albus who did it. Also, Harry seems to tell Draco a bit too much. Why would an assassin tell Draco how he did anything in reference to the job? Harry is paid to do a job not explain how he gets the job done. 3-4/5
     
  13. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw System God Admin

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    I have to agree here, it was pretty good, but it left a few things to be desired. We don't see at all his transformation from wide-eyed 5 year old (who aren't exactly the manipulative type) to cold-hearted contract killer. Also, he's a professional assassin, surely he can use wordless casting? Assassins are sneaky and like shadows...from what I've seen he doesn't seem like a very subtle assassin.

    His capture seemed incredibly easy as well...that whole scene really didn't work for me. Perhaps you could revise that as to be the Order trying to set a trap (thus the weakened warding) that went off horribly wrong.

    Otherwise, pretty decent. I look forward to more.

    4/5
     
  14. rj_stone2

    rj_stone2 Seventh Year

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    It's a lot better with the revisions. Although I agree with the comments above regarding the swearing during the interrogation, I would expect Harry to play it a little more low key in that situation (I personally model my expectations of an assassin's behavior on Leon from The Professional, but that's just me).

    Also, as a style point, I would suggest referring to him as "Harry", just because readers are after all interested in reading about Harry Potter. In addition, most fics where Harry goes by a different name tend to turn out pretty crappy, so it's one of those things that raise a warning flag for me. It's fine for Harry to have an alias, but the reader is going to be happier reading about Harry than about Nikolai/Rahkesh/Cervus/whatever.

    I think this fic has a lot of potential, and it has improved dramatically as you respond to feedback. You might be well served by the "Work by Author" section of this site or by getting a beta or two.
     
  15. Kai Shek

    Kai Shek Supreme Mugwump

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    Reread, it says the place that Hermione is currently stationed at as nearly unbreakable wards, not Hermiones parents house.

    Anyway, I like the story, and am waiting for more.
     
  16. Dark Lord Rostam

    Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

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    I liked the new version a lot better. Though, I still wonder why Sirius would just punch and choke Harry. I understand that he is disgusted by his actions, but he hasn't seen his Godson in 15 years. One thing, I hate it when authors do this; they make Ron and Hermione do everything Harry did. Kill the snake, save the stone, save Sirius, and the do it better because obviously Sirius is out. One more thing: You write battle scenes amazingly well. Add some more, and you'd have a good action fic. 4/5.
     
  17. KateL

    KateL First Year

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    Not bad, Mcgee.....why is your story posted here as A Killer's Path and on FFnet it's a Killer's Life? jus' wonderin'.
     
  18. Vincent V

    Vincent V Slug Club Member

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    Thanks for the tips everyone.

    1. Harry can learn nonverbal in the next few chapters or I can revise the first two chapters to make it so he thinks the incantation instead.

    2. LR- You will see some of his flashbacks later on in the story.

    3. Ron and herm only did the chamber thing. They blasted the sinks instead of parseltongue. They didn't do anything else. Sirius never went to prison. Voldy will be explained later on.

    4. Sirius' actions will be justified.

    5. If you guys want me to refer to him as Harry from now on just tell me.

    Edit: Don't know why a posted as a Killer's Life on FF.Net. I changed it.
     
  19. Duke of Rothwood

    Duke of Rothwood Professor

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    Well I thought that the story was good, mainly what others have said, but I have a real problem with Ron taking out a basilisk.

    Remember that Hermoine was frozen, so it is very possible that Ron could not even find the enterance (in canon it was Harry who figured it out, Ron is a brainless nobody and would likely not be able to do that).

    If she was not frozen, then sure they could likely find the enterance, but here you get a huge problem: Neither of them speak parseltongue
    Thus, they simply cannot open the enterance, sure you said that they could blast it open, but remember they are second years, not aurors. They would not know any good blasting charms. At this point all they know for direct damage might be incendio and the cutting charm. Neither of which would work. I also have problems believing that Salazar put no protections over the enterance to prevent that from happening. I think that it is likely that Dumbledore knew where the enterance was (he was around when the death occured, suspected Tom, probably knew about his parseltongue and probably interviewed Myrtle) and if you could simply blow the enterance up, then it would have been done long ago.

    Also, in the (I believe) 2nd chapter, Ron says they beat a basilisk. Well I really doubt that they would be able to get lucky and beat a basilisk. They do not know the required spells and in close, they would get slaughtered. Plus, why would Fawkes help them and would the sword appear for them? It may just appear for heirs of Gryffindor (I know this has never been stated, but it sure seems as though JK is going for the Slythervin vs Gryffindor theme)

    Also, somebody has already said this, but how is Hermoine still alive? The troll should have bashed her to bits.

    And while I am not sure if they completely did everything that Harry did in canon, I would hope that they did not, Harry only survived against Voldemort in his 1st year due to the blood protection, both Ron and Hermoine would have been slaughtered.
    2nd Year- read above
    3rd Year- Neither Ron nor Herman have the power to drive away 100+ dementors, nor do they have reason to learn how to, they were never affected by dementors as much. Plus how would they learn, neither of their great fears were dementors, where would they practise?
    4th Year- If they survived Voldemort, a dragon, the maze etc. I will go throw up in some dark corner

    So I hope you get the point, please do not make them replacements for the canon Harry, they simply could not have done what he did.
    But it is a good story, just there are a few points that I hope you keep in mind

    3/5
     
  20. Vincent V

    Vincent V Slug Club Member

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    I think I mentioned before that Ron and Hermione only killed the Basilisk, and I am thingking about changing that to some made up event. Voldemort will be explained in the next chapter. Remember this is a totally almost totally AU story.