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Complete Amor est Vita by songbook - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by stayintheloop, Nov 1, 2016.

  1. stayintheloop

    stayintheloop First Year

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2016
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    Title: Amor est Vita
    Author: songbook
    Rating: M
    Genre: Romance/Tragedy
    Status: Completed (72k words)
    Library Category: Alternate Universe
    Pairings: NA
    Description: As Minerva McGonagall takes the place of the late Albus Dumbledore, she brings with her a past of shadows. Her less than innocent connection to Tom Riddle may be enough to bring the Dark Lord down forever. AU Book 7. HP/GW RW/HG MM/TR.
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7198065/1/Amor-est-Vita

    The Description sucks, but the story moved me greatly. Minerva and Tom are both OOC to make the story work, but it sheds a different light on Minerva's character as a whole. The past events that occur in the AU are told as a frame narrative, and clearly paint Minerva's motivation for her actions. The story has several flaws (unrealistic magic, OOC moments, as mentioned previously) but I still think it is worth a read. Minerva goes through an intense pain in the story and the author handles it beautifully. The story unfolds itself in an exellent pace, and thus reads pleasantly. Please tell me your thoughts.
     
  2. KingRoger

    KingRoger Second Year

    Joined:
    Jun 16, 2012
    Messages:
    57
    Location:
    Australia
    I can't say that the story is really for me, but the writing is solid, the author had a clear direction, and if there were many cliches, I'm not familiar with them. I'm giving it a solid 4/5.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2016
  3. Atlas

    Atlas Squib

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2016
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    All right then, (a few spoilers maybe? Just in case)

    Pros of the story:
    -Excellent writing, I never needed to fight myself through the words.
    -Good characterizations, Except maybe Yaxely, Who I thought was a bit OOC when McGonagall went to LV (When a death-eater met with an order of the Phoenix member I didn't expect such a civil start of a conversation)
    -Premise of the story, I like it.

    Cons:
    -Some choices of the author are a bit strange(like making Moody the same age as McGonagall, couldn't the author make them a year apart?) But that's subjective

    I'll give it a 4/5
     
  4. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2010
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    1,502
    Location:
    Germany occupied Greece
    High Score:
    4,495
    This story is trying to sell a lot of very eyebrow-raising things, and does a piss-poor job of it.

    The writing is awkward and cringy, not at all suited to the ambitious ideas the author is trying for.
     
  5. M.L.

    M.L. Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    269
    Location:
    Beyond the Pale
    First impression was that this title is awful. Not even in a pretentious Latin title way, but in that the grammar just sucks. Right now it says, I was being loved is life, It should either be Amare est Vivere, to love is to live, or Amare est Vita, to love is life. Titles should have some meaning, beyond that which Google translate spits out.

    Oh yeah and the story is pretty awful too.

    Edit: My latin is a little off, and although the grammar is off, it's because vita isn't in the accusative. I forgot that amor was the noun form of love as well as the 1st person passive singular. My titles are still better though. This story still sucks.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2016
  6. BTT

    BTT Order Member

    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2011
    Messages:
    813
    Location:
    Cyber City Oedo
    You're still wrong. First off, Latin's Subject-Object-Verb and not Subject-Verb-Object, so it has to be Amor Vita Est, if anything. Second, Vita is in the predicate nominative with "est", so no accusative is necessary.
     
  7. stayintheloop

    stayintheloop First Year

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    Little harsh, but alright, legitimate critism. What do you find awkward and cringy about the writing, and why do you dislike the story?
     
  8. Plotless

    Plotless Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2015
    Messages:
    381
    Location:
    England
    I edited/commented on the first page of what you wrote. Keep in mind that I am not infallible and this could all be preference.

    Bullet-pointed the major issues.

    - Too. Many. Fullstops, and commas.
    - Register is inconsistent
    - Speech is clumsy, doesn't sound like something you'd actually hear.
    - You use lots of descriptive adjectives but don't really describe everything, it's like you have a formula that tells you to put in a descriptive adjective after every noun no matter what. Sometimes less is more.
    - Telling vs Showing. This. A lot.

    Keep in mind that there are good parts, but I'm highlighting what you need to change to make this story read better. If you really want I can keep going through.
     
  9. stayintheloop

    stayintheloop First Year

    Joined:
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    High Score:
    0
    I didn't write the story, but I think this is very good critism that the writer would like to hear. I know this isn't the kind of story that would usually end up in the DLP library, but I thought the ending was very moving, and that DLP was in need of some variety. The over-punctionation didn't bother me much, but it does affect the way the story reads. I suppose it is a matter of preference, because I quite like stories that are on the descriptive side. Maybe this just isn't the place for that mushy stuff.