The writing quality is excellent. I really liked the first three chapters.

That's as far as most will likely get, though. After Harry leaves Eileen, everything goes downhill. Harry's character doesn't make any sense (I really can't imagine Harry leaving someone he has some emotional bond with just on a whim... especially if that someone is pergnant with his fucking child).

 

Someone on PP3 actually threw out a Harry-is-Snape's-father plotbunny during a discussion about Slytherin!Harry back in June. I thought it was an intriguing idea, but couldn't see SH actually being able to get it up for someone related to Snape.

The compromise I came up with was to somehow make Snape think that Slytherin!Harry was his father, but frankly I forgot all about it until just now.

 

If you need a name, I remember way way back (before my DLP days) I got on a rant about Severitus fics and pitched pretty much this same idea. It might have been on Potter's Place. Or Potter's Place 2. I think it was before PP3. Can't remember.

But instead of Severitus, I called it Snivellitus.

 

The one on live journal was a drama, not a comedy. It's written alright, but it's hard to imagine or read the concept written as anything other than a parody.

 

All I can think of when I read this thread was:

"I hate you James Potter. Your unborn son with my childhood friend banged my Mom! Go to Hell!"

 

The following is a response to the challenge. I'll be posting it to my one-shot archive on ff.net after working out the kinks.

##

Inspired by the Reverse Severitus challenge on DLP, but modified to make it more weird. The italicized text is excerpted from Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince by J. K. Rowling, chapter 28, page 603-604. I do not own Harry Potter and write this for fun, not profit.

Thanks to Alpha Fight Club and Dark Lord Potter for their help.

##

Two Thirds Blood Prince

By Perspicacity
​

##

Harry uttered an inarticulate yell of rage. In that instant, he cared not whether he lived or died. Pushing himself to his feet again, he staggered blindly toward Snape, the man he now hated as much as he hated Voldemort himself—

“Sectum--!”

Snape flicked his wand and the curse was repelled yet again; but Harry was mere feet away now and he could see Snape’s face clearly at last: He was no longer sneering or jeering; the blazing flames showed a face full of rage. Mustering all his powers of concentration, Harry thought, Levi—

“No, Potter!” screamed Snape. There was a loud BANG and Harry was soaring backward, hitting the ground hard again, and this time his wand flew out of his hand. He could hear Hagrid yelling and Fang howling as Snape closed in and looked down on him where he lay, wandless and defenseless as Dumbledore had been. Snape’s pale face, illuminated by the flaming cabin, was suffused with hatred just as it had been before he had cursed Dumbledore.

“You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? It was I who invented them—I, the Half-Blood Prince! And you’d turn my inventions on me, like your filthy father, would you? I don’t think so…”

“No!” Harry yelled, his eyes wide with fright. “It can’t be—you’re the bloody son of Eileen Prince!”

Snape snapped, “How do you know my mother, Potter?”

“The timing even works out--you were the same age as my father!”

Snape lowered his wand, the faintest hint of a smirk on his lips. “You have no idea how ironic your misguided ramblings are.”

“What do you mean?” Harry asked.

“Think. In the dimness that passes for your consciousness, did you ever stop to wonder why I would permit you to keep my greatest treasure? Or did you simply believe that it was your right, like so many other things? Your arrogance knows no bounds, Potter. You’re just like your surrogate father.”

“No!” Harry screamed.

“Indeed. I am your real father, Potter, a secret dear Lily took to her grave.”

“But I look just like…”

“James? Suspiciously so, wouldn’t you think? I remind you, your mother was a Potions Mistress. Brewing an elixir to modify an infant’s appearance is child’s play.”

Harry started to say something, but words escaped him. Instead, he turned aside and vomited eloquently.

“It was the worst day of my life, you know. I was forced to ravish your mother as part of my initiation into the inner circle of Death Eaters. I was working for Dumbledore even then, however, and he required that I do it in order to maintain my cover.”

“You raped my mother, you sick bastard!”

“She knew what I had to do and accepted it,” Snape countered, not meeting Harry’s eyes.

“Bloody rapist,” Harry spat. “And you sold my mother to Voldemort too, you bastard!”

“At the time, I did not know to whom the prophecy referred. And before your Gryffindor tendencies impel you to pick up your wand and attempt another of my curses, I’ll have you know that it sickened me to hurt her, despite her wretched taste in companions.”

Harry spat bile out of his mouth and onto Snape’s robes.

“And you should know that Dumbledore asked me to kill him.”

“I don’t believe it,” Harry said through clenched teeth, his hatred peaking at levels where he knew the Cruciatus would succeed.

“I can prove it, but not at this time.” Snape pivoted and shot a powerful banishing spell at Hagrid, who was charging. The half-giant flew into Buckbeak, knocking both unconscious.

Harry found his wand and stood facing his father. “Snape,” he said, his voice cold. “There’s something you must know as well.”

Snape sneered, confident he could deflect any spell the boy could muster. “Oh?”

“You may be my father, but I’m your father too.”

“Impossible.”

“Not so. Just last week, I was trying to figure out what Draco was up to and I ran across a damaged Time Turner in the Room of Requirement. It took me back to a young Eileen Prince, who was being beaten by her husband. I saved her, but I was injured by a dark curse. It felt like my blood was boiling and…”

“And then your bones began to snap, one by one, starting with your femurs?” Snape asked. Harry nodded. “And did the curse manifest as a cone of dark blue lightning?”

“Exactly!”

“That was one of Father’s favorites.” Snape shivered involuntarily.

“She begged me not to kill him, so I caught him across the face with a Sectumsempra instead. That was after I hit Draco with it, so I knew exactly what it would do.”

“Father had such a scar, yet he never spoke of how he received it. The livid, unhealing wound was what inspired me to craft the spell you used. “ Snape pursed his lips for a moment. “This is a curiosity, Potter, but while you met my parents, that alone does not make you my father. Must I, as your father, explain to you where babies come from?”

Harry’s face turned red. “Oh, I know that—they come from sex, which is what your dear Eileen was doing with me while I was knocked unconscious.”

“If you were unconscious, then how did you know she did anything?”

“I woke up with her straddling me?”

“Oh.” Snape had an expression on his face as if he were eating something very sour.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Harry said, his face bearing a matching expression of disgust. “I was a virgin too, up until then anyway. It was hardly the ‘first time’ I had imagined.”

“As was I before Lily,” Snape muttered to himself.

Harry’s sensitive ears picked it up, though. “You’re kidding—you were in your twenties! At least I had an excuse. I was sixteen.”

Snape glared at his son… father… whatever.

Harry continued to speak. “I confronted her about it afterward. Tobias Snape couldn’t father children and she saw this as her only chance to have the family she’d wanted. I guess I couldn’t blame her, given how horrible her life was.”

“No wonder Father hated me so.”

“So what’s this make us?” Harry asked as Hagrid’s hut exploded in a massive fireball.

Snape sighed. “I cannot believe a child of mine is unable to do simple arithmetic. If I am your father and you are my father and Lily and my mother are our mothers, respectively, than it’s trivial to work out.”

“So why don’t you?” Harry asked, knowing the man hadn’t done so yet.

“That’s what I was doing when you caused me to stop and insult you, you imbecile! If I’m half you and half my mother and you’re half me and half Lily…” Snape’s eyes rolled back as he did some mental arithmetic. “Then I am one third Lily and two thirds my mother.”

“Which would make you the Two Thirds Blood Prince.”

Snape nodded.

“And that would make me a third-blood wizard, not a half-blood, since I’m one-third Eileen, who was a pureblood, and two thirds my mother,” Harry said, doing his own calculations.

“Indeed.”

“So we’re… half brothers or something?” Harry asked.

“Hardly. Use your brain, you dunderhead. Half brothers are only one fourth the same.”

“Oh. So we’re more like brothers then, except we’re each the other’s father. And son.”

“Exactly,” Snape said.

“And since sisters are only half the same as well, we each had sex with our two-thirds sister.”

The two stood in silence for a pregnant moment.

“This is pretty fucked up,” Harry said.

“You’re telling me,” Snape grumbled.

“I’m going to call you ‘great grandson’ now, you know.”

“Do that and I will disown you.”

“Now who’s the fool--you can’t disown your ancestors.”

“But I can a wayward son. I’ll find a way, Potter, trust me.”

“I’m sure you will.” Harry raised his wand and pointed it at the other man. “Until then, son, I’ll have you know that you disappoint me. Rape, murder, falling in with the worst sort of people... you’d better not let me catch you out after curfew, young man, or we’re going to have words!”

Somehow, beneath a sky lit green with the Dark Lord’s mark, with the greatest hero the Light had produced dead at his hand and portions of Hogwarts ablaze, the absurdity of the moment caught up with the older man. Snape tossed his head back and laughed for the first time in decades.

Such an unnatural sight would live with Harry for the rest of his days. He almost didn’t notice as his son Disapparated.

“At least your two-thirds sister was hot,” Harry groused.

Fin.​

 

ROFL, fucking bravo. Half-way through the father-son debate I just bust out laughing. Perfect.

 

Flawless delivery.

If there's anything that I thought might be a kink, it would be that the heated exchange became too casual and civil. The conversation loses sense of the circumstances.

I am pleased.

 

Holy fuck that's hilarious. Nice job perspicacity.

 

I fucking LOL'd. Great job Pers.

 

​

 

Excellent shot at the challenge, Pers. You broke my mind.

 

Bravo, Pers, bravo. I haven't laughed that hard in a long damn time. I hope I'm not the only one who caught the subtle Spaceballs references.

Hmmmmm.... You know what would make it really fucked up? What if it turned out that, due to Time Turners and a screwed up Killing Curse, that Lily and Elieen were the same person.