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Dead Link Back To The Place Where It All Began by ZeroTheDestroyer - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Azrael's Little Helper, Oct 2, 2008.

  1. Azrael's Little Helper

    Azrael's Little Helper High Inquisitor

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    Back To The Place Where It All Began by ZeroTheDestroyer - M - ? Harry/Ariana ?

    Title: Back To The Place Where It All Began
    Author: ZeroTheDestroyer
    Rating: M
    Genre: Timetravel/AU
    DLP Category: Alternate
    Pairing: Not romance listed, shown as Harry P & Ariana D
    Status: WIP
    Summary: In 1891, orphan Harry got a letter from Hogwarts. Never an easy life, downtrodden. Grindlewald approaches, Timetravel start, an Intelligent hero comes before the world. "For all the World's his stage. We the mere players." -no slash
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4516967/1/Back_To_The_Place_Where_It_All_Began


    A very different kettle of fish altogether that I'm sure will not appeal to the tastes of several here, but I think it is quite interesting - muggle hater Albus with a reason, midget monster Flitwick, apparently magically challenged Harry...

    There are many loose holes canonically as several of the characters in the story are anachronistically incorrect, which Taure will probably blast if he reviews, but as I never really gave two shits about canon anyway I quite enjoy the story - its very well written and grammatically (and punctuation-wise) correct.

    That and its potential as another artefact in the AFC v2.0 gets from me a 4/5 for now.


    Edit by Minion, Dec. 10, 2012
    Dead link is dead. If you know where to find another copy of the story, please inform the library staff.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2012
  2. The DarIm

    The DarIm Groundskeeper

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    The idea is good, but it contains way too many mistakes. I'll just post the review I gave him (or her?)


    I figure if he's interested in making it better, I'll get an e-mail and I'll direct him to DLP and his Author's note in the beginning makes me think he'll at least survive here.

    EDIT: I've just read the first chapter, so based on that I'll rate it 3/5. I'll edit it once I've read the rest of it.

    EDIT 2: Ok, it gets worse and I just can't get myself to read further than the second chapter. I'll give you an example from the end of chapter two -

    “Watch out for that young lad, boy, he is trouble,” said the Wand maker as he started shifting through wands. Harry was wondering why the man was looking for wands so quickly, but he realized that some tape was floating in the air measuring him, Harry let that go. It only took two tries to find his wand, the old man, Olivander, simply chose a random wand from the highest shelf and tossed it at Harry. A hundred sparks flew out of his wand when he caught it, bringing a smile to both Harry and Olivander’s face.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2008
  3. Hari Seldon

    Hari Seldon Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    Story is good so far, only problem i really have is that Harry's character is a little unbelievable for someone whos 11...








    From the reviews.

    I think 10 WORD pages, is the ideal chapter length . Because my computer ocational siezes up. I had to restart 3 times to read this chapter
     
  4. failinggradstudent

    failinggradstudent Squib

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    There are too many errors. Shit I just joined DLP, saw this on the Review tab last night. The stories changed like 3 times, so many new parts in it I can't fully comprehend whats going on. I doubt we are going to see any mature themes until after he is old enough to be mature, right now he is just a kid, though i don't think its too unbelievable for an 11 year old to be smart. Its a time travel fic, for all we know he was an adult when he was sent back through time.

    I actually like this far back, the only other one that even has a story like this is that one in Patronus Charms and story has not been updated in months!

    Though that story is superior to this one in my opinion. What was it called "clockwork" something with that title. Though I like how he just skipped through first year, it looks like he wants to get the school system out of the way.

    Anyway I sent a message, said the next update is tonight.
     
  5. Tinn Tam

    Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

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    ----> In the Clockface, Weighed and Weary by nuhuh.
     
  6. failinggradstudent

    failinggradstudent Squib

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    Yeah. Clockwork, I'll call it that to save time, is extremely well written compared to Back. Hell he posts the chapters in 3 days after another, then the 4 th day he edits the chapter and adds things you have to read it again or your lost.

    Overall the story does not seem to be heading in any particular direction, but yeah I do have to admit I have read worse. Much worse. As far as timetravel is concerned it could ended up like those shitface Harry Potters that have some sappy romance with an OC that makes no sense.

    Or even more annoying. Harry Potter travels back in time with his current friends. That though alone sends shivers up my spine.

    Though it's a far cry from good time travel fics like "Altered Destiny" and a few other Mauraders fics which all seem like they are clones of each other.
    But yeah, I'll have to give the author points for originality.

    But what the hell is Hagrid doing in Dumbledore's year in chapter 12?
     
  7. deathinapinkboa

    deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

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    It's interesting and a new idea, but the grammar is just so sad. Even I am spotting lots of problems.

    This story falls somewhere between a three and a four, but the addition of Vector makes it lean toward a 3.

    I don't feel comfortable rating it.
     
  8. TwilightAmbition

    TwilightAmbition First Year

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    Bad spelling and grammar and the author is trying to hard to make Harry "average".

    Then add in contradictions by random praise for the supposively average boy.

    Not to mention it doesn't try at all to make it feel like the time period.
     
  9. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    MERGED two duplicate threads into one. That's why the first eight posts seem independent of the rest of these. -nonjon
    ______

    Back To The Place Where It All Began

    By ZeroTheDestroyer

    Made: Late September 2008
    Rated: M (later sexual themes and violence)
    Genre: Time Travel
    Pairing: HP x Ariana Dumbeldore, Possibly HP x Doreah Black x Cedrella Black x Augusta Longbottom
    Word count: Over 70,000

    Link

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4516967/1/Back_To_The_Place_Where_It_All_Began

    Summary: Harry is stuck in the 1800s. He is has retrograde amnesia. He is an orphan. He is trying to find out who he is. He has made an enemy out of the Blacks and Albus Dumbledore. Story has no over the top powerful Harry. Harry gains power slowly and slowly gains back pieces of his memory.


    Its questionable how much quality this fic has, but I don't think it is completely unreadable.

    I'll keep this short I started this Thread to discuss some simple ideas and opinions on some chapters. I usually update every 2 days or so, and try to keep this story realistic.

    I am at the point where there is going to lots and lots of dueling and would like opinions on limitations of spells because there are a lot of restrictions in this fic, and I am trying to keep it as Authentic to canon, and twist it to the point where it can be interesting.

    I'll have to Beta this fic at some point but I am going to have to get it done soon to at least have one Complete Dumbledore Era fic in Fanfction.net.

    1) My question is does anyone have any idea how I can get the Triwizard Competition to realistically fit into this Era? I mean why would they want the Triwzard back at this point? Note it has to be really realistic and plausible like perhaps France wants to insult Britain, and they do this by sending out their best to challenge Hogwarts.

    Something like that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2009
  10. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Your summary reads like a list:
    I suggest something like this:

    The summary is still as stupid as fuck, but that is because of the inherent lameness of a plot involving amnesia.

    Note this story is in the recycle bin already: http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?p=259367#post259367

    Not much of an improvement, your rewrite.

    I read until the end of the first chapter, where the fight with the hydra convinced me I could not go any further. A hydra is a fairly crazy beastie, but I thought it might have been one of those three-headed snake things. Just using numbers does not capture the grandeur of a creature or situation.

    As for your characterizations...

    A very un-witty and provocative statement from Harry enrages someone raised in pureblood customs?

    Making all the people in the harem plan to build sexy first and foremost, with nothing beyond that?

    Come on now.
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2008
  11. Vegemeister

    Vegemeister Seventh Year

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    This story is very irritating. It would not be so bad if you changed it. Compound sentences are useful. Complex sentences are useful too. You should write with more compound and complex sentences. You can even string them together. Your story will appear less stilted.
     
  12. ChuckDaTruck

    ChuckDaTruck Overlord

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    The Harry wand issue is pretty odd and annoying and I'm sure you're setting it up as some sort of special wand. But at the moment it doesn't make much sense.

    Some of your chronology is off such as Dumbledore and Flitwick and Harry being in the same year.

    But I dig Hydra!Harry. And I'm glad to see Harry become a dueling champion. The tongue thing is odd. Why can't Harry just open his mouth rather than stick his tongue out?

    Don't people know he's a parselmouth though? I mean he confronts a hydra and then summons a massive snake! There were rumors before....

    Also I'm curious as to what Harry's new relationship will be with Filius and Dorea....

    One of the things I have jarring is the constant jumping to alternate perspectives. I find myself somewhat confused and lost frankly and it leaves your characters only half-developed. There's viat the muggle ship builder who's a secret genius, and there's something going on with Veela, and Arianna...I don't know...Which is a shame as there are some interesting ideas here....I particularly like the integration of canon stuff (Muggle killing act) with your plot. Also the action scenes are really fun.

    Anyway, good luck and update soon.

    4.2/5
     
  13. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    Good point on the summary. It certainly needs changing.

    Complex sentences and compound words is probably a good idea too.

    Yeah the plot itself is getting pretty annoying, but developing romance can't possibly occur when they are children, as much as I love kid romance fics they just don't make sense.

    I plan to have the romance start during the World Dueling Championship, its the basis for this story after all. The large time skip allows me move forward, or at least I hope.

    The wand thing is annoying, Harry isn't really that witty to start with. He gets things wrong.

    The hydra idea came to me while i was doing research on things that would be pretty useful for using Parseltongue.

    There is a reason why the wand does not work, a very good one.

    Still the story has a lot of disjoints that I am going to have to fix.
     
  14. sincostan

    sincostan High Inquisitor

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    Characters and plot are interesting. I don't like the narration style with the present tense and use of "our hero," "the protagonist." Jarring like it's breaking the fourth wall.

    EDIT: Read up to most recent. POV is what I'd expect from a mystery or thriller, so it's a little difficult to follow how time is passing.

    3/5
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2008
  15. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer DLP Supporter

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    A note on line breaks:

    Firstly, if you're going to use line breaks, make them linebreaks, not random characters and secondly, if you're going to use linebreaks every third paragraph you should rethink your writing style.

    At this point I'd make some comment about how the plot works but the technical writing lets it down, but to be honest, everything, from the characterisation, to the clichéd amnesiac protagonist, reeks of poor.

    People just don't talk or act like this, you over complicate everything anyone says or does making it sound really really contrived.

    For example:

    Should be:

    You don't need to explain that he tried to keep his footing, people assume this, it is human nature to attempt to maintain your footing after you slip. Although, the entire thing sounds like you're writing for extra-terrestrials:

    So I read a bit further through and this leapt leapt out at me.

    Why not have them scream 'Exterminate!' in loud shrill voices? Or write a book, 101 cliché things for monsters to scream?

    Seriously, if you were ever in need of a better title (and trust me, you are), Cliché would be the title for you.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2008
  16. The Fine Balance

    The Fine Balance Headmaster

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    Horribly written and packed with cliches. The numbers game was interesting in the beginning. Lacks Serious coherence, kind of like this review, only far, far worse. Still, I read it, or skimmed through it at any rate. Some interesting titbits here and there. For that I'd rate it 3/5.
     
  17. AntiChrist

    AntiChrist Professor

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    I agree with most of their comments. There are a lot of cliches and grammar issues through out, not to mention how often you repeat the same thing twice. Besides that however, the interesting ideas you present at some points have kept me reading it so far. It's bearable as long as you don't read too closely. 3/5
     
  18. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    Fair enough, I plan to remake the book a last time before christmas. If there are anymore problems please point them out.

    Its unfair not have at least one complete Time travel fic in this genre.
     
  19. The Fine Balance

    The Fine Balance Headmaster

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    Plan scenes, make them count.

    Either cut some characters....actually, you have no choice. You are't good enough to have as many characters as you do in this. Cut them/make them less important/use them indirectly (A important char X talking with Important char Y about M) - just do not give so many characters focus in the narrative, as you do here. Grammar, sentence structure...the whole sheabang.
     
  20. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    That is about right, it looks like I'll need to remake the story. But Without starting all over again I would really like to have a list of ideas I can either add or delete into the story to make the transitions easier.

    What should I add to the story to make it better? Anything people would be interested in seeing, I really I am getting out of touch of what people who read my fic want to see.

    Dueling, Love. Drama? Get rid of some characters?
    I couldn't really think of anyone else who is that old, besides Slughorn and Filius in movie one looked even older than Albus, it was pretty scary.

    I also did not know my story was in the Recycling bin, interesting I'll have to take a look at that.
     
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