Hello all,
I am currently seeking ACTIVE beta readers, willing to aid me in my rewrite of my story Goblin Child. I have previously talked to about 5 people on FFN who all agreed to beta, but I uirploaded a draft my fan site for my Fanfiction work, as that seemed to be the best way possibble to collaborate, however in 3-4 days not one of them have responded and beta-ed the chapter.

My needs for beta readers are as follows...

I have am in extreme need of someone to bounce ideas off, to help me flesh out ideas, as if it's not part of the story I am personally interested in, I tend to gloss over it. I tend to focus on the politics, rituals, and background information and major scenes, rather than any actions, filler scenes, etc. This leads to a story that seems to miss character development, even if I know how they developed.

I also have a need of someone who can help with word choices as I tend to use the same wording over and over again, and someone to help with punctuation/spelling mistakes, as I have dyslexia.

I can either communicate via skype, email, or on my own site http://conflictedone.tk

 

I don't presume to speak for DLP, but based on the original version it's unlikely you'll find a willing beta among the posters here (though I guess you may find an interested lurker). I skimmed through the first half of the original and found:

- Nice goblins
- Magical oaths
- Insta-Lord Potter (emancipated by Goblet of Fire, suddenly speaks formally)
- Inheritance ritual, heir of a couple Founders and Merlin
- Evil Dumbledore, steals from Harry, multiple declarations "for the greater good"
- Soul bonds

And I just flicked through the rest of the pages, and it turns out the entire story is just powering Harry up, with no real conflict until the sequel. I know you say you're rewriting it, but hopefully the plot is significantly different or you likely won't get a positive response here.

If I were rewriting the story, I would rip out the easy buttons (magical oaths, inheritance, soul bonds, Merlin training) as a start, then make the goblins a helluva lot less friendly, if not outright evil themselves. For example:

Goblins kidnap Harry after Goblet of Fire spits out his name, giving him access to knowledge and training (he doesn't know it, but it costs him lots of his money). They keep him until the first task, where he surprises everybody by showing up garbed in full, goblin-made dragon hunter regalia. Not to be outdone, Dumbledore offers his own training...

 

No one here is going beta a terrible story from a guy with two posts.

 

WBA is full of awesome nitpickers who will help with grammar/sentence structure. IRC also has a fair amount of people who will help you by bouncing ideas back and forth, though expect to get called out on certain bs.

 

I skip to the chapter on the "first task" and find out Harry is apparently being crowned Emperor of the Universe or something? Well damn, he moves fast.

The only criticism I have is that "Malfoy" should be listed before "Nott," since my understanding is that Malfoy is a more prominent house. Other than that, looks great.
Edit: Nvm, apparently by the last chapter he gains the even cooler title of "Imperiux" which completely invalidates my criticism.

 

Addressing in order of entrance.

• The goblins were not meant to appear nice, but again because of the flaws in my writing style (skip over everything not of particular importance for me) I missed the character development I needed to show why they did what they did. This is already being addressed in the new version.
• Magical oaths will have a tiny portion in my story, but it will not be as a large as it was, and basically has already been dealt with.
• He still gains his lordship, but it will be explained on how he changes instead of instant changes.
• Inheritance ritual will occur, but it will reveal MUCH less than it did previously.
• Dumbles is still a manipulative arse in my opinion and will remain so, but be much more conniving and Harry must work to reveal his flaws.

 

Again, what Ched said. Good luck on finding anyone who's willing to beta this. Dumbles? Seriously? Manipulative bastard is so 2006.

 

Also, just because Dumbledore was manipulative (Which there is no denying he was), that does not necessarily mean he was a bad person, or held the views a lot of bashers tend give him. Everyone is, of course, entitles to their own view of a character, but usually viewing something requires it to be there in the first place.

Also, even if the oath's and inheritance have less of a place, it's still there. All of those things are such, that they have become cheesy, overused cliches that are a staple of bad writing. They are a double edged sword, in that if you use them, you have to do so in a new, exciting way (something hard to do, and which takes a lot of skill) or else it just makes people (or at least people like us here at DLP) groan and exit out of your story.

"Lord Potter," is something I'm more iffy on, as it's been so long I don't remember if there actual such titles in canon. (My gut says "No,", but I may be wrong.) It can also be done well a bit easier than the others, at least in my opinion.

Really, it's simply that there's nothing here that's new or shiny enough to make us want to keep reading. What's in this story, that I can't find in some other cliche-infested fic?

 

Read through Potter Law, adhere to it, and try again.