His character annoyed me because I happen to be annoyed at that kind of characters. Question of personal taste. That's why I said I didn't have any real reproaches. That's also why I dedicated a mere few lines to Thundercloud, as opposed to the usual huge block of words...

 

Great post! I completely agree.

Although, there aren't many WIP stories that can sate my hunger

 

Imagine my surprise to find PC police on the dark lord potter boards.

Native American is the PC name for Aboriginal Americans. They're no more "native" than anyone else born in the Americas. Based on mitochondrial DNA studies, the american aborigines were a mixture of peoples from Siberia and France. They merely represent the first waves of american immigration.

My relatives who live on the reservation get just as upset at being called aborigines as they do indians. I'm not really sure why that is. It's the most correct term.

 

You cant please most of the people all of the time. Being from distant cherokee descent, I dont find either offensive. But to each his own.
I am waiting on the updates as well. Definitely one of the better stories Ive read in a long time.
SO, jbern Rock on, man. Rock on.
10ded

 

Tinn,

Thank you for your very comprehensive review of the story. I will endeavor to take your comments in the spirit they were intended and not get too offended.

You make good points about my mechanics. They are crap. My punctuation is rather poor. My beta volunteers her services, and I see no reason to be upset if she misses a percentage of my own gaffes. I won't complain about her or Kokopelli for my other story.

When I actually change this from WIP to Completed fic status is when I am going back to put a coat of polish on the story and clean up the list of errors that I have accumulated. To stop now would interrupt the pace of my writing and I quite simply don't want to do that.

I don't feel that chapters 2-4 were the disaster you painted them to be. First, I had to get the plot going. You say it was lame to use him invisibly eavesdropping on Hermione and Ginny. Had I not use that particular plot device, I would find myself writing 2-3 extra chapters while this unneeded Mystery plays out and Harry discovers what has been done to him.

You patently ignore the purpose of those chapters. There are certainly things that could be improved, but the purpose of those chapters was for Harry to make his escape. To do this it required interaction and dialogue mainly with Bill. I certainly should have had Harry (a boy who had never been anywhere) slightly overwhelmed by his arrival in Rio and done better in the description department. After his arrival in South America, the chapters focus on his interaction with the other characters and you see how his opinions vary from poor first impressions (in Sanchez's case) to where the character grew on him and he grieves for her loss.

The strange thing about this long opinion you left is you start by saying it is the first 2nd person story you have ever read and then go on to say that I am not fully utilizing the POV. It is a contradictory and confusing assertion on your part.

Perhaps you should have dropped the story after the parts that you couldn’t grasp. (If that sounds snappish, it is.) I don’t know you, but if you have never experienced life altering betrayal and resentment for that before (and I have), it changes you and does cause a ‘mental revolution’ as you put it. Harry did not discover everything from Ginny and Hermione’s conversation. You overlook the diary where he discovers that he has had several missing days.

I’ll take your opinions on dialogue and tense errors for consideration. I’m not a very big fan of one line paragraphs and usually try and avoid them. If that makes my writing uniform and distasteful to you, then that is your problem.

What really annoys me about your review is the part about Occulmency vs Occlumency. I decided to verify your claim, so I pulled up the copy on ff.net and took a look. The error was a result of adding the incorrect spelling to my custom dictionary. The last time it is incorrectly spelled is chapter 13. The word appears once in chapters 2,3,4,6,10,11 and 13. In chapter 7 it is there 4 times. This fails the 15 out of 19 claim you make and your use of a ‘fact’ that can be so easily be disputed makes you appear intellectually dishonest and bitchy for the sake of being bitchy.

If you are going to fret over such a small detail as you say, make certain the facts actually support you.

Thank you for he compliments on the content. Again, I will consider the lack of description that you point out, but in a story that has already been called by others as ‘another endless summer fic’ - spending more time on description may actually cause problems for more people than it solves for others. As one of the others said mentioning Lincoln, "You can please some of the people some of the time..."

Now onto the characterizations, I defend Harry’s maturity or in some cases lack of maturity. Many stories paint him to be an over the top turn the other cheek person. I don’t. My characterization of Harry is a teenager who has been mistreated, scolded, blamed unfairly all his life. The one place of solace for him is his inner thoughts, which the 2nd person POV allows you to hear. He copes by internalizing his mocking nature and generally only uses it internally or in letters. It falls under the category of the things that he thinks, but never actually says. Lacking great coping mechanisms his use of Dumblecrap, Hermy Funbags and the like may seem like gutter humor, but are to me entirely believable. I have also made a conscious effort to reduce them in number as the story proceeds. If the reader pays attention, they may catch on to the fact that Harry is maturing in the face of this adversity.

He’s a 16 yr old boy. Having been one and recalling my trains of thought thorough eye that are over 2 decades removed, he doesn’t notice everything, which forgives some of the lack of description of the Brazilian magical village. Take a 16 yr old boy on a tour of your hometown and give him a very attractive tour guide. What does he remember? The Arc, the Tower, the Museums, or the legs and ass on the tour guide that were so damn fine?

Recall his first real night of 'freedom'. He ends up stinking drunk, like many forced to live by strict rules and suddenly granted freedom. Soon afterward, he ends up in an amorous situation with a single mother as he tests the limits of what Bill is and is not going to let him get away with.

Luna, well I was never a teenaged girl, so I do my best to portray someone who is hiding behind a lie and desperately needs a friend and is hypersensitive. I'm not really certain what you mean by comparing her to Ginny at the start of HBP. It's been so long since I read that story, that I would have to look at it to see what you are implying.

Again, you only get Harry’s opinion of what’s going on with her and he clearly doesn’t understand her, which leads to several of his mistakes. If you have ever conducted a relationship via long distance these things may make sense to you, or then again, they may not. If it didn’t make sense to me I wouldn’t write it.

Harry saves his worst bashing for Hermione and Ron. Ron has never appeared in this story and as I point out to reviewers all the time, he could have been so ‘against’ the brainwashing of Harry that he was shipped off to Quidditch camp to get him out of the way. Dumbledore’s motivations along with Hermione’s will resurface and be discussed at length during the sequel, but again Dumbledore has never appeared in the story, so you only get Harry’s perceptions.

As for the whole Brazilian female population trying to get into his pants, not really. Harry is presented as being boyishly attractive and foreign boys have a tendency to do well overseas. Still, it’s also a reflection of his Animagus skills combined with his youthfulness. He thinks every girl is checking him out and that they ‘want’ him. Sometimes he’s right. Sometimes he’s like me at that age, just deluding myself.

Again, thank you for taking the time to write a long opinion of the story. I hope you found the story engaging enough to continue.

Jim

 

Fuck you, you sensitive cunt. I'm part Crow, and you don't hear me bitching about it.

To tell you the truth Jbern, so far Bungle is the only one of your fics I like. I'm still waiting for more on Lie I've Lived. Bungle doesn't have any real deep plot twists, but like Tinn said, you take the traditional cliches(I have no clue how to add accent marks), and turn THOSE into something deep. Like your theories on Animagi and Runes.

The reason I like Bungle so much is because of how easy it plays out in my mind. None of it is hard to imagine, I don't have to go back to ready any of it to better grasp what I just read. It just plays out, its more like watching a movie, or reading a comic, than reading a story.

 

Who said I was bitching about it? I was merely stating alot of people take offense to that. I could care less what people say about it but I live in an area that is saturated with people from India and to refer myself as indian, people immediatly think I have ancestors from India.

 

To jbern:

I currently find difficult to have any access to the Internet that would be long enough to answer you. I'll reply whenever I am 'available' again (that said without meaning to sound arrogant at all) which will probably be when all this is already forgotten. So I guess I'll PM you instead of replying in here.

All I can say now is that I still think every word I wrote, even if I should have probably elaborated in some places.

Have to get off the computer now.

 

Fair enough. Look forward to your PM at some point.

Jim

 

Simply due to a lack of time, I'll sum up my feelings on this story in a single word..

Brilliant.

A far more detailed review will follow at some point over the course of the next week. A review that will I'm afraid contain some negative points, but for the most part (90 to 95%) will be praising the story to no end.

NJ

 

First time actually reading this story and all I have to say is...
Fucking Fantastic!
This story is great! At first, the viewpoint kinda turned me off to it. (It's Second person viewpoint right? I can't seem to recall). However, it turned out to be a great story anyways, which just makes it even better in my eyes.
I'm hoping that more will be coming out soon, as I desperatly want to see how the whole thing ends.

 

Tease for chapter 20 is up

It's in the Works by Author section. The whole chapter should be ready by the weekend.

Thanks for the compliments and criticsms. In this chapter, I took Tinn's advice and tried to add a bit more detail to the backdrop. You won't really see it in the tease, but should see it in the chapter.

Jim

 

Definitely a teaser

 

spoiler:


I did not like the ending.. You may have felt it necessary, I just did not like it. Aside from that nice chapter.


Swapnil

 

If what was on FF.net was a teaser it must be one hell of a big chapter. I liked the chapter except for the mad rage at the end.

 

That was nice getting the full chapter only a few hours after the teaser.

SPOILERS


The presence of another dark lord was a bit of a surprise. I thought probably like most people that the statue was either the horcrux of Chilotha or being possessed by him. It seemed a little convenient for Harry that Chilotha took over the camp while he was gone especially since he knew from Collins how powerful Harry was.

The ruthlessness of Jbern strikes again NO ONE is safe. Oddly enough the only thing I feel from Bills death is disappointment that we won't get to see your spin on the wedding and the best man speech.

That cliffhanger was a bit strange for this story since I think it's the first time you've left us in the midst of a battle. That's more like TFtCD's trademark.

So it was a fun chapter and I can't wait till the next.

 

NO! Damn you Jim, we only just got over Maria's death and now you pull this shit. At least now we know why he returns to England for the sequel.

Also interesting is the scenario I pulled up a while back. Right now, only Harry knows the secret of the city's location other than Voldemort since Chilo-mort was the secret keeper. Whack Chilo-mort and the entire city can become Harry's hideaway.

 

Yeah Jbern... why Kill Bill? He was such a good guy... was that why?

Caitiff, I don't think Harry wants a city full of dead people as his hideaway... and it's pretty damn hard to clean something that size up to make it comfortable to live in.

 

Absolutely ruthless. Poor Bill . I eagerly await the rest of this fic and his eventual trip back to the land of tweed...

 

.. er who says the Inferi would be there when this Hispanic Dark lord Spirit is dealt with?

I actually really like Caitiff's idea of using the Enchanted City as a hideaway for Harry after its done.