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Oneshot Business by Esama - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Xakoro, Feb 11, 2012.

  1. Xakoro

    Xakoro First Year

    Joined:
    May 26, 2011
    Messages:
    46
    Location:
    Warwick university
    Title: Business
    Author: Esama
    Rating: T
    Genre: Crime/Adventure
    DLP Category: General
    Pairing: N/A
    Words: 12,437 (ff.net); 12,460 (AO3)
    Status: Oneshot
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7822807/1/Business
    Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1113588
    Summary- The Dursleys didn't raise Harry Potter to be a very good boy. Dark!Criminal!Harry, lots of crimes, generally darkish.
    .
    Esama is usually a fairly good writer when not preoccupied with slash, and this fic is no exception from the rule. Spelling and grammar is excellent, and although characterisation isn't a key part, it is written well. I found the plot to be good, but I imagine it could be better if there were more Criminal!Harry fics to bounce ideas off of.
    All in all, 4/5.


    Checked by Minion, September 29, 2014
    Esama reposted her story on AO3. Thanks to Ayreon for the info.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 29, 2014
  2. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2007
    Messages:
    3,948
    Jesus, another of these stupid '20 truths' style stories. Okay, fine.

    Very self-righteous tone where every enemy of the main character isn't able to handle this new 'criminal' and 'calculating' Harry Potter. They're all brain-dead.

    The attempted Sherlock Holmes fusion or allusion is unimaginably retarded as shit. Seriously lol, what the fuck. Out of place like a fish out of water and arbitrary.

    Esama is very prolific and very capable of writing good stories, I think he's a bit like BajaB but more skilled. But this is another one of those very generic, very heavy-handed and uncreative stories that are unfortunate. I mean, how many goddamn HP/Stargate: Atlantis crossovers has be pumped out now that are identical to each other?

    1.5/5. I'll grant that his writing is readable, but I'm exposed to readable writing every day. It's a wreck in every single way that matters.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2012
  3. Anarchy

    Anarchy Prisoner DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2009
    Messages:
    2,928
    Location:
    NJ
    I see the story is written by Esama, and that immediately sends up red flags. A dozen of his stories have come through the review section in the past few months, and not a single one of them is something I would call brilliant.

    I'm only a quarter of the way through, and I don't feel like reading any more of it. Perhaps a 2/5
     
  4. disposablehead

    disposablehead Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    244
    5/5

    I was giggling like a mad man.
     
  5. Vira

    Vira Order Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2006
    Messages:
    809
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Canada
    While it was very unrealistic in places (due to Harry's age), it was something to read. 3/5.
     
  6. Thaumologist

    Thaumologist Minister of Magic

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2011
    Messages:
    1,385
    Location:
    Chester, England
    It was interesting, but too short, and too few details. We only really see the beginning being set up, and it read almost like a mix between planning and first draft. Also, the complete lack of conflict made it quite incredibly boring.

    2/5, although could be more if it was ever re-written and expanded.
     
  7. Bill Door

    Bill Door The Chosen One DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2011
    Messages:
    2,145
    Location:
    Behind You
    Meh.

    It wasn't awful but it just didn't really interest me. I don't want to read a fic where harry asswhups everyone by the end of first year.

    2/5 because it was just boring.
     
  8. Sirion

    Sirion First Year

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2009
    Messages:
    27
    It's not really twenty truths style, the scenes are just numbered and there's very little.. I'm forgetting the literary term, but there's very little 'flow' between the scenes. It's disjointed, mainly featuring the plot advancing scenes. 1-10, then it skips ahead to 'infinity', to show the conclusion.

    I'd give it 3/5, a decent oneshot to read if you're bored but not really library worthy.
     
  9. Coelacanth

    Coelacanth Denarii Host

    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2008
    Messages:
    333
    Location:
    New York, Ny
    The story was average. Obviously someone liked the new Sherlock Holmes movie a bit, but the character development was a bit too fast.
     
  10. Alive and Free

    Alive and Free Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2011
    Messages:
    337
    Location:
    Australia
    1/5 just because I like the idea of Harry being a criminal mastermind, though it'd be better if he wasn't one at age eleven and had competition. Also, I refuse to believe that, apart from dark lord's, there's a total lack of crime in the wizarding world - remember Mundungus Fletcher from canon.
     
  11. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,784
    Location:
    California
    Have to say it's boring as shit. 2/5 from me. Esama's writing is turning to crap.
     
  12. Goddessa39

    Goddessa39 DA Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2006
    Messages:
    162
    Location:
    My Mind, Earth
    I'm not a Sherlock Holmes fan but I'm not sure why. Moriarty is very allusive (and for some reason I think more toward 'League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen' with that name) and a great start for a criminal mastermind to observe.

    Esama is a great fic writer and I love the twenty truth things but this I'd have to give a 4/5 simply because of the age thing.... although I'll prolly have a totally different view in the morning.
     
  13. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2,229
    Yeah, the age turned it down for me, too. The twist at the end was ok, but not good enough to justify more than 3 points.

    Somewhere in between 2/5 and 3/5 stars.
     
  14. Vorpal

    Vorpal Third Year

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    99
    Like several others, I may approve of the idea, but when the execution is just a steamroll, the results are disappointing.
    Irrelevant factoid: esama's a fan of the new BBC series, and has written fics for it, not so much the movie. Though that diverges quite a lot on Moriarty, where there he is like a smarter and stabler version of Ledger!Joker: he runs a criminal empire, but at his heart he's a psycho troll. At first I thought he was disappointingly over-acted in season 1, but season 2 proved him to be just the right mix of genius and crazy to work brilliantly like Sherlock's unhinged twin.

    Recommend that series to everyone.
     
  15. Henry Persico

    Henry Persico Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2011
    Messages:
    340
    Location:
    Argentina
    I read this fic not long ago, but while it certainly entertained me I didn't find it Library worth it. It's Almost Recommendable category, IMO.

    It's well written and has good grammar; but the plot, characterization and resolution are a joke. It starts promising us a story that feels rushed in the end and had a main character travel trough without an ounce of challenge.

    2/5 for me.

    I vote to downgrade this fic to the Almost Recommendable list.
     
  16. CheddarTrek

    CheddarTrek Set Phasers to Melt Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    5,954
    Location:
    Mississippi
    Well, that was fun to read. And it wasn't slash!

    3.5/5 for me, rounding down.

    Primary issue is what others have mentioned before -- Harry's age. If it had been spread out a bit more it'd have been a little easier to swallow, but at least he had Greyback doing most of the heavy lifting at first and kept himself hidden.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2013