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WIP Calamari by shredder of paper - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Mufasa, Aug 16, 2009.

  1. Mufasa

    Mufasa Squib

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    6
    Title: Calimari
    Author: shredder of paper
    Rating: T
    Genre: General
    DLP Category: General Fics.
    Pairing: Harry Potter and Padma P.
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: Beaten and broken, an infant Harry Potter finds himself on the bottom of the great lake. He is wisked to safety, but the real question is not by who, but by what?
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5262708/1/Calamari
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2009
  2. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    I feel reasonably certain that you, my not-friend, failed to read a sticky aptly titled "Read before posting!", but I'm not even sure it matters ... Squid!Harry?

    Edit:
    On second thought, you can redeem yourself by adding the required details to your post and ending the stoy with this line: But as Harry's arms inextricablely tangled in the propeller of the Mercury 250 PS, all that was left was Calamari.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  3. kmfrank

    kmfrank Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    Shockingly enough, this is not the worst story ever. The author actually has some scope of the English language, and an idea that's just fucked up enough and tongue-in-cheek enough to maybe work.

    ...at least, I hope tongue-in-cheek enough, with lines like
    I'll keep an eye on it, but its too early to rate it.

    Also, lern2formatz, and read the stickies.

    EDIT: A few questions come to mind.
    1. Is this your story, or are you a new member who just thought this was the greatest thing since sliced bread and HAD to post it here? Review tends to be harsher on those authors who join and immediately post their stories, though there are exceptions (notably me, back in the day :p).
    2. Why did you post this in Review, and not in WbA? Review tends to be harsher, and with a story with a crazy premise...I think you'd do better in WbA, to be honest.
    3. In addition to the standard format, why not tell us a little bit more about the story afterward - convince us that we should read it! (Though I already did, of course)
    4. Post an intro. Not a question per se, but *a fine recommendation so that we can get to know you and be your friends.
    5. Do you honestly believe that this is a "General" story? I advise you read some of the stories in that category - I hope that this story is a Humor/Parody, because even if it takes itself seriously, I don't really think Squid!Harry can ever be a serious story.

    * Better Tinn?

    Yes, much better. :p
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2009
  4. darklordmike

    darklordmike Auror

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    LOL - "the cephalopod who lived" may just be one of the greatest lines in the fandom.

    After Harry meets his grisly end from Sesc's propeller, I propose that his remains make their way to Voldemort. The prophecy will be fulfilled when he chokes on some fried calamari.
     
  5. Mufasa

    Mufasa Squib

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    It's mine. You can be harsh, that's fine... constructive criticism is very helpful to me.

    As above, I need harshness to hone my technique.

    It's a fanfiction about Harry Potter as a squid. What more is there to say? I think it speaks for itself.

    Sure. I'll do it later. For now, I'm going to eat.

    I'm trying my damnedest to make a story about a squid wizard, or squizard, serious. It can be hard at times, as evidenced by the line you quoted above, but I intend to do my best. I'm a man who likes a challenge.
     
  6. Seratin

    Seratin Proudmander Prestige DLP Supporter

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    You win many internets and are now my favourite noobie.
     
  7. Innomine

    Innomine Auror Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Squizard... Sounds like a pokemon.

    The idea sounds ridiculous enough to actually be worth taking a look at.
     
  8. darklordmike

    darklordmike Auror

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    Oh god, I didn't even notice the pairing. Padma is going to be one kinky little girl, isn't she? Whatever will Harry do with all those extra arms?
     
  9. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    WTF!

    I must read...
     
  10. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery Prestige

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    I'm trying to keep my expectations low while also squee-ing like a little girl at the thought of Padma doing it with a tentacle monster.
     
  11. mknote

    mknote 1/3 of the Note Bros. DLP Supporter

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    Are you sure this isn't meant to be a parody? Because the idea sure as hell lends itself to that genre. I'm not saying it can't be done seriously, and you seem to be a decent job of doing so, but it's obvious: the lulz-potential is strong with this one.

    A note: Check your spelling. It's "Pomfrey," not "Pomphrey." I believe you also misspelled Gryffindor once.

    I'll refrain from rating a story so early, but the potential for an original story is huge.
     
  12. Philly Homer

    Philly Homer What you call elephant cum I call mouthwash

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    Look at the name, it should be obvious.
    ^^

    I think I'm going to skip on this one, for the sake of my sanity. Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck with completing your ahh unique fic.
     
  13. rogueboy

    rogueboy Second Year

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    So just from the first chapter we've got an insane Pomfrey, Potters who apparently will not die on Halloween, belief that Neville is the BWL, Voldemort being wiped out without crazy blood sacrifice protections, and a Dumbledore who is incompetent to the point that he's not fast enough to outdraw his school nurse. Interesting.

    I read through this a while back, but I'll withhold judgment until there's more to go on. Tentative 3/5 just for the Harry/Padma thing, since I'm a sucker for that pairing.

    I'll see the "seems like a parody" sentiment, and raise the "this seems like setup for Harry Potter hentai!" notion.
     
  14. Link

    Link Order Member DLP Supporter

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    It's a trap! :awesome

    Otherwise, too short to rate, although doesn't seem so great. Actually, it seems a really stupid idea to me. 2.5/5 so far.
     
  15. e1

    e1 Third Year

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    ;) Smug bastard. When will you get around to updating E2D?
    --
    On topic, Squizard!Harry ftw.

    Your writing is definitely on par with DLP standards, but the finer nuances need work. If you were looking for a well-rounded critique session, you'd have been better off posting this in the WbA section. But since you're a n00b, ignorant of the ways of DLP, I'll indulge you just this once.

    I like your opening paragraph. The portrait POV is very original. But ...
    And shortly after ...

    Jarring irony, much? A jaded ex-aristocrat dropping F-bombs is just plain ridiculous.
    --

    Also, you seem to have an issue with keeping your tenses consistent :

    --
    First sentence is a nonsensical jumble of words. Tense-wise, the whole thing is fucked.
    --

    And this...
    Not wrong, per se, but odd word choice. Try 'knocked him unconscious'/'stunned him' and 'not much of a healer' instead.
    --
    Hmm ... that's twice you mispelled 'pillar'. I hope for your sake they are typos.
    --
    I'll pretend I never read that.
    --

    I won't bother getting into the second chapter. OP, now you know what to work on. Focus on your tenses and try not to use flowery words in the wrong context (kinda defeats the purpose of flaunting one's vocabulary).

    I'll refrain from rating this thread. I really wish you'd posted this after you'd gotten a dozen more chapters out of the way - would likely have made it to the library. However, given the current word count, it'll probably be squatting here and gathering cyber-dust for a while, or get bumped to the Rec Bin.
    --
    I really REALLY hope you didn't rate this thread. A Harry/Padma ship (however much appealing it may be ;) ) isn't grounds enough to rate a fic.

    EDIT:
    LOL. I just read Amerision's latest update. First cephalopod!smut, and now Ink!Girl smut. DLP is truly fucked up. :D
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  16. rogueboy

    rogueboy Second Year

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    I did not. My current opinion is 3/5, but am withholding until I either see more or... well, it gets recycled/trashed. Two chapters isn't enough.
     
  17. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    Hrmm, I'm going to wait until everything is published before I rate.

    But this does make me hungry...

    Mmmm, calamari.
     
  18. The Santi

    The Santi Professor

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    This is pretty twisted...yet I can't look away. I added it to my alerts, and, like everyone is saying, I'll probably rate it after another chapter or two.

    I'm actually interested in seeing how everyone discovers Harry is alive. I hope it's not another fic that has McGonagall see where the letter to Harry is addressed, and everyone rushes out to save him or some shit.
     
  19. Portus

    Portus Heir

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    Reminds me of Tony Shalhoub (Monk) in Galaxy Quest (with Tim Allen) doing it with the alien chick who had all the tentacles. Pretty damn funny.

    On topic? The story sounds like massive fail, but I'm unlikely to ever read it, so I'll refrain from rating.
     
  20. Mufasa

    Mufasa Squib

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    Why thank you! Yeah, I'll admit to being ignorant of this place--A friend just told me thaat I should try posting here. I saw a 'for review' section and thought that'd be he best place. Perhaps I should've tried WbP, now that I look around, but I didn't know.

    Seems like it to you? I thought that made an impact to show just how far she's dropped. She was a sweet woman all her life but fate played a cruel trick, and it made her quite bitter.


    Um. Yeah. Oops. I should go back and fix that. Thanks for pointing it out!


    Alright. Looking it over, you seem to be correct.


    Meh. Maybe. I like my wording, but I could see it being awkward.


    Um...spell check did not pick up on that. Gah, I need an editor.


    What? Voldy can't have a human side?

    I'll try, it's a bit of a problem I have with all of my writing.

    It seems like it. Again I reiterate that a friend told me I should post here. Sorry about that. That said, a dozen chapters will take me a while. I think I'll make longer chapters and also I'll be busy once classes start back up.

    Thanks for all your help.