Maybe when I finish the second chapter of my Naruto fic, which I should be getting started on tonight.

 

What about Red PRince (frankly I prefer it to Dakaath.)

Also, can you recommend some Naruto?


Tx

 

Me too, I love Red Prince. More classy than Dakaath imo.

UPDATE DAMMIT.

 

I agree. but the gore and sex is just damned appealing :twisted:

 

Me too. Dakaath was fine and orgienally and good when it started but's it's sort of gone overbord a bit

 

Hmm, just wanted to say that I checked out your naruto fic. Don't understand a lot of it though since I haven't really gotten into that anime. But I'm wondering what you did with that 'notheriffintroll' dude/chick, cause that was one long...what flame/crticism.

 

That flame...actually I replied politely to it and answered the criticisms and invited the person to reply back if they wanted to discuss it more. Needless to say I haven't heard anything back and probably never will. The best way to deal with a troll is not to feed them. Letting them get under your skin and flaming back will only incite them to keep having at you. This person was pansy enough to hide behind a sockpuppet. Had they actually been a respected author they'd have replied openly to add some credibility to what they were saying. Therefore I'm sure his/her mentioned 'story' is some canon jockeying Harry/Ginny or Naruto/Hinata crapfic that nobody gives a flying fuck about or distiguishes from the common heap. I have no time to bandy words with such an envious loser.

 

That's true, and I get the distinct impression he/she didn't read HP fanon on a regular basis. :twisted:

Anycase, good luck whatever your endeavors may be.

 

The flamer was lying. He/she didn't have a story, I checked his/her account.

 

man this is one of the better stories about dark harry i've read. especially with that whore not around or off botherin other people

 

I didn't know Chaos even died. Wait, if you died then who have I been sleeping with for the past 8 months?


:looks at the person grinning next to him and slowly crawls out of bed to phone:


:wink:

 

I'm going to assume you're talking about Ginny.

 

I thought he meant Winky?

 

Please update your masterpiece.

 

yes i mean ginny

 

Up to and including chapter 5 review:

Good. You have a nice, readable writing style that's quite attractive. However there's a niggling problem that I have with it:

Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue. I rate dialogue as one of the most important parts of any story. You could say it's where the story comes to life. I just feel you're not banging the nail on the head. I come equipped with examples “Incredible. So, lets hear how it works. How one opens it, as it were..” In the last sentence, he sounds like an 80 year old Oxford Professor. Harry's the most important character therefore you need to pay the most attention to his speech. “Goblin, you're leading me to nowhere. We were supposed to be sitting down to talk.” Again, this is far too formal and cold to be Harry. You know I'm not a canon lover but this is only a month after OotP, you've got to show progression. If this is how you want Harry to sound like, then gradually change him. Perhaps have your other characters (the OCs) tell him off for wrong language use and slowly change him (I know this too late but these are just tips for future fics). “W-well...living swords aren’t exactly commonplace...” Once again, way too formal. "commonplace" is not a word used by many teenagers.

Now that this is the second time I've read the transformation scene, I must admit that many of the ideas surrounding being a Dakaath are very original and interesting. You've explained many canon mysteries comprehensively. So well done for the originality and not making it too demonic.

Small point linked to dialogue, try to use apostrophes to convey dialect. E.g. “What is the matter my friend" would be "What's the matter mate?" (that wasn't taken from your fic, I just forgot to highlight an actual example) This makes it much more realistic. A great way to improve is to read out all the dialogue aloud like a script when you've finished the chapter. If it sounds unnatural, then rephrase it. Oh and the Vernon "ungrateful brat" parts were a bit OTT.

The Bill being a spy for Gringotts is a stroke of genius. Wow! I just thought it was brilliant, it really was. Original and so feasable. Well done for that. If you don't mind, I may use that in a fic I have planned but I'm not sure.

So far so good. I have skimmed over a few scenes but the orginality and good writing style has left me wanted more. Plus I want to see interactions between Harry and the Order "Hi guys, I've got wings now." Should be good.

 

Review for chapters 5-10:

Very good. Definitely improving in terms of everything.

Heh, Harry's a lucky s.o.b, lesons on the art of love making ^_^

Absolutely loved the scene with the wandmaker guy. Great characterisation, you absolutely nailed him. Very believeable and flamboyantly written. The only complaint is that he, like a few other characters, seems a bit too convenient. A guy who hates Dumbledore, the Ministry and Voldemort...and along comes Harry. Apart from that, he's great. I sincerely hope we see more of him in the story.

lol It seemed as if you had a sex scene warning for every chapter for a while there *high five*

I can understand why Cho's in the fic but still...again it seemed too perfect. Both her parents like Harry? A non-chinese guy? You should've at least had one of them have reservations about them (like Betrayal of the Best Kind I think)

Finally! an author who knows how to write Dumbledore! There is still hope in the world! But seriously, that was excellent. I must admit I was expecting super-manipulative "gentle Voldemort" Dumbledore but that was great. Kudos to Harry eh? The manipulatee has been manipulated. Can't wait to see how you portray Voldemort, should be good.

Glad Ron isn't speaking as formally as Harry, now that would've been wierd. I'm glad he's not super!jealous or dark!Ron, that really irks me. However I don't agree that both he and Ginny would turn against Dumbledore and be willing to kill and rule the wizarding world without more convincing. I s'pose Ron may see the glory, but Ginny? Like where you're going with Hermione. I'm also glad he didn't get an outstanding in potions, it's little things like that that make this fic better than so many others. Hope there's no more super complicated demon shit.

 

Thanks, but I'll warn you in advance that Ron starts turning dark pretty soon. It's just that he turns dark alongside Harry instead of against him. I do provide reasons for why he does what he does though. I thought I explained why Cho's parents approved of Harry. They WANT her to marry outside their insular little alley, as odd as that seems. Her father wants to open up relations with the rest of wizarding Britain, and sees marrying his daughter off to a powerful family (or celebrity in Harry's case) in order to jumpstart things. And her mother, being the traditional Chinese wife, won't dare to meddle in her husband's business or gainsay him publicly. He rules the household like a tyrant, and she is accustomed to it.

 

Yeah, Lord Serapheth's, Cervus' and yours Dumbledore are probably the best good Dumbledores I can think of at the moment. Serra really made me feel for the old man, which is hard to do, considering that the main character is against him and that Dumbledore DID screw Harry up in a way.

What this story actually do is a reverse of standard Manipulative!Dumbledore thing - Harry IS against the meddling old man, but Harry is NOT morraly superior to him. Quite refreshing, actually. Yes, some may not like Harry going truly dark, but the story is too good to miss coz of something as small as that...