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Abandoned Dark Respite by Omagic - M

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by Omagic, Nov 10, 2006.

  1. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    Title: Dark Respite
    Author: Omagic
    Rating: M (Optional: [R])
    Genre: Action Adventure/Angst, Independent Harry
    Pairing: None central to fic
    Chapters: 14
    Words: 107,557
    Updated: June 5, 2008
    Published: May 9, 2007
    Status: Abandoned


    Summary: Harry starts his sixth year with a trip to the afterlife only to find out he's not welcomed to stay their either. He returns altered and accompained by a voice in his head. He's really pissed off about that.

    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3531310/1/Dark_Respite

    I apologize for the link being to my Yahoo Group, but the story isn't posted elsewhere. I wanted to present it to DLP community first because it seems like the best fit for it. Plus I'm starting to crave the creative (and honest) feedback that comes from sharing a story with a larger community.

    Jumping off the ledge once again...

    Many thanks,

    Omagic


    Checked by Minion, June 9, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2013
  2. Stalicon

    Stalicon High Inquisitor

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    Could you post it in the work by author section? I can't get into your Group.
     
  3. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    Being new the community I'm not sure that posting this story anywhere else is in line with the guidelines the moderators would like to see followed.

    Should a moderator give their permission for me to do so I would be happy to accomodate. There's currently seven completed chapters to the story and so posting the story in the "Work by Author" section (as it is available at the group) would mean that I was posting seven chapters worth of work to the forums here.

    Again, I don't know if that's an acceptable action at this point.

    Omagic.
     
  4. Stalicon

    Stalicon High Inquisitor

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    :Blinks:

    o.0

    I don't understand what you mean? Why wouldn't you be able to post in the work by Author section? If its the rating, then we have a Mature section in there.... otherwise, durber?



    Edit: Upon re-reading your last post I feel terribly foolish, I see now what it is you meant. I don't really think there is a time limit for posting there, but if your unsure try asking one of the threads' mods, they'll be able to help you.. That is if they haven't stumbled here already.
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2006
  5. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw System God Admin

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    You can post it in Work By Author if you wish.
     
  6. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    Pretty good, I'm on Chapter 2 right now, but I'm having tons of trouble getting through it. Harry continuing to defend Dumbledore over and over for no reason despite hearing it straight from his parents about what happened is just absolutely ridiculous and makes me want to quit reading this. Not to mention, Harry's IQ seems to drop a hundred points during that scene and he becomes a fucking idiot. And Voldemort easily using Legillemency while Harry stands there like an idiot and then Voldemort says "You're not alone" annoyed the hell outta me. Still, it's pretty good. 4/5

    Edit: I'm tempted to change my review and give it a 5/5 just for Harry's speech at the end of chapter 4, absolutely brilliant.

    Edit 2: Chapter 6 is pretty interesting, but there's enough going on without introducing new characters. Get more of the plot going before introducing new aspects to it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2006
  7. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Pretty good story. Reminds me a lot of Blessed, with all its upsides and faults.

    Good sides inlude believeable post-HBP dark Harry, who stays in character. Heh, it seems that only constant torture and 5-6 mentor/helper characters can inflict some sense through HBP!Harry's thick Dumbledore-worshiping head.

    Dispute over Salazar's blood magic and its application are believeable, even if they push melee combat more then I'd have liked. Characters of Slytherin, Filmore the wizard hunter and Dobby were simply fantastic. Characterization in general is one of the strongest points of this story. Dark humor and excellent (if at times hard to understand) writing style were also big pluses.

    The biggest problem I had with this story is constant tension. There never seems to be enough time to end one action sequence/subplot and start another. I don't think there were 10 consequitive minutes of this story where Harry wasn't in pain, getting beaten, feeling pissed off or under pressure, which after a time becomes pretty anoying. Without breaks in 'action' to contrast the peaks of tension, I found myself becoming 'imune' to tension filled atmosphere and eventually indifferent to Harry's struggles (hmm... he got stabbed again... neat... yawn).

    Along with this comes very annoying tendency to 'cut off' scenes by having Harry knocked out. I don't think I've ever seen a story where Harry gets knocked out more then here. His idiocy and overblown tendency to rush in without thinking didn't help either. I can't really indentify myself with this Harry's struggles, when a little voice in the back of my head keeps repeating "It's his own fault".

    I only hope he grows some brain along the way... and have a cigaret break or two, before getting himself beaten up (yet) again.

    For now, this seems like a very good tension filled story, that desperatelly cries for a release now and then.

    4/5
     
  8. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    IP82,

    Honestly sir, this is the type of critique I was looking forward to when I decided to post this story. Writing the story this entire time with a very limited audience, a large time between chapters, and little feedback I think has been detrimental to the story.

    I've never been one to cater a storyline to reviews. But the type of feedback about never ending tension, and the repetitive use of similar scene breaks is very helpful.

    Glad you liked the good things about the story. I look forward to trying to improve on the areas that need work.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and even more the time to offer a review.

    Omagic
     
  9. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Ehh... no need to call me sir on anything.

    Constructive criticism is one of the reasons DLP is made for. Feel free to cruise the archive yourself and rag/bash/comment/whatever on any story that you yourself had read.
     
  10. Olfrik

    Olfrik Seventh Year

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    Berlin
    The story is very good. I like Harry's Character so far, he learns from his mistakes and isn't overly guilt-ridden. It's a development of his character that doesnt pain me and shows some real conflicts, not the usual guilt/comfort stuff. The other characters are also writtenin a very interesting way and the theories are original.

    I congratulate you to be one of the few authors that makes Harry realize that independence isnt about doing what you want but also dealing with what happens and not whine for the world to pity his fate only to have the compasion of others slap back in their faces.

    Keep in mind that Harrys whining about the unfairness of it all is soon overdone and he has to take the step, otherwise you'll get stuck with the whiny child that wants to have the benefits of adulthood but be catered to like a child.

    A lot of scenes seem rushed in the sense that they dont get properly dissolved because the next one comes too soon. Give Harry time to reflect (only a little, mind you) and let him go on with some resolve, not stumble though the various scenes. Sometimes it seems as if he starts everything and nothing gets done if there werent people kicking his butt all the time.

    Please put it in the Work by Author section. The yahoo groups stuff is just too complicated if I want to check for a new chapter, which I definitely plan to do. Keep it up!
     
  11. ZanyMuggle

    ZanyMuggle Third Year

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    This story is excellent on so many levels. This Harry has a totally canon basis, in that Harry is "Dumbledore's man", in spite of what we readers have all seen to be Dumbledore's manipulations. Omagic has Harry's metaphysical meeting with his parents bring out Dumbledore's faults, tarnishing their first meeting.

    I absolutely love Omagic's portrayal of the Founders. Slytherin is good, yet immersed in sarcasm - sauteed in sarcasm, really. Pretty much the anti-Snape. Gryffindor is self-righteous, self-important, a pompous windbag - pretty much Snape's view of modern-day Gryffindors.

    This story has something for everyone. My vocabulary is extensive, impressive really, but it doesn't contain enough superlatives for this story.
     
  12. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    One of the things that I always kept as a priority since I started writing/sharing fanfiction is to respond to everyone who takes the time to write a review/response to me. I don't want to bloat the thread so I'm going to respond to what's already here in this one post.

    TheIllusiveOne,

    I can't say much for Harry and his lingering loyalties to Dumbledore, I cringed when JKR had her boy say that he was Dumble's man through and through. This is the hand we were dealt, and I can only start manipulating those views in steps. I'll have to ask that you give Harry a pardon for his lack of intelligence when facing down Voldemort. He'd been beaten, soul-raped, sent to the afterlife, sent back, killed a few dementors, and blowed up a couple death eaters - critical thinking wasn't at the top of his attributes at that moment. I'm glad you liked some of the later chapters, and the story overall.

    Interesting note: the part that you liked at the end of chapter 4 wasn't even written in the first go round. In fact, I never sent Harry back to Hogwarts in the first go round. Thanks for reviewing and for reading!

    IP82,

    You said a lot and I tend to be long winded in my responses. Seeing as between us we might be able to write a chapters length discussion I'm going to take the initiative to be succinct. I appreciate the nods to the things you liked. Being an author I'm sure you wonder at times what works and what doesn't when you're writing something. Almost everything you gave a positive nod to are on that list. Conversely, the very excellent points you made about the continuous tension are also on that list. I try to walk that line between the anti-hero, cold, all business all the time attitude with Harry, and still keeping him human (or as you accurately put it, someone you want to give a crap about). There are plans for Harry to loosen up, I just didn't find an opportunity to fit them in yet without them seeming frivilous to the character thus far.

    The scenes were very choppy, and that is mostly intentional. The story is supposed to be fast paced (and it still seems slow going to me at times). The downside is the cut-off feelings, better transitions may have worked better. But learning these things is how we all get better at the craft.

    Thanks for your well thought out input. It's very helpful. Don't mind the "sirs" should I throw them in future responses. It's a speech mannerism of mine more than an effort to regal anyone with formalities.

    Olfrik,

    Thank you for your review, sincerely. I think we share some similar tastes in what we like to see in an independant Harry, and it's awesome to hear from a reader that those traits came through. I think most of Harry's whining is in the past in DR, but your advice is well taken. I touched on some of the choppiness of the story in my response to IP82. I'm still trying to walk that line between pace and allowing a scene to properly develop. Hopefully it's something that will improve as the story moves forward. I think the leaning on external characters to end a scene and move the story forward maybe became a crutch for me rather than a viable plot device. Thanks again.

    ZanyMuggle,

    Both your review here and at the Yahoo group left me gushing. They are very humbling and I'm grateful that you took the time to offer feedback. The sarcasm is something that I really wanted to be central to the story. When I thought of DR I was inspired to put a bit of a pulp fiction feel to it (note the story style and not Quentin T's movie). It may sound weird hearing it, but I want DR to have a feel to it like a Frank Miller (Sin City, 300, etc) story. Of course, when I miss on the sarcasm it just has that cheesy feel to it. Hopefully I stay closer to the "witty" spectrum rather than the "cheesy" spectrum. Jbern's Bungle in the Jungle story is really awesome at that. Again, thank you!

    I appreciate people tolerating the link to the Yahoo group. Since it seems that I won't get in trouble for posting chapter's here I'll put what I have in the "Works by Author" forum, and will post updates there as well.

    Thanks again to everyone for reading and especially to those that reviewed.

    Omagic
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2006
  13. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    Dark Respite Update - Chapter 8

    I guess updating to this forum might be a bit redundant since I'm also putting the chapters in the work by author forum. But in case anyone is reading the story at the Yahoo Group (which it reads a little better on due to the appearance of italicized text where appropriate) I'll add a post here to note that I've updated the fic.

    Happy Thanksgiving, have a safe and fun holiday.

    I look forward to reading any comments you wish to share.

    Cheers,

    Omagic
     
  14. ZanyMuggle

    ZanyMuggle Third Year

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    The bar scene is just f*cking magic (no pun intended). It's been a long time since I've read a scene so satisfying.

    Now, what are your plans for Snape?
     
    Last edited: Nov 23, 2006
  15. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    ZanyMuggle,

    I'm glad you liked it! I giggled my ass off writing that scene. Malfoy Jr. was only the first step, I have plans, many plans, for senor severus.

    Thanks for reading and reviewing again!

    Omagic
     
  16. MrINBN

    MrINBN Unspeakable

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    Read this in the WBA section. It's pretty good actually. 4.5/5
     
  17. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Good new chapter. I can never get into idiot!Harry, but I guess the action is good enough to overlook that.
     
  18. Omagic

    Omagic Fifth Year

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    Ineedbettername,

    Thanks for reading, and thanks for taking time to say that you liked it!

    IP82,

    So are you saying DR is like that really dumb girlfriend or boyfriend that you keep around because the "action" is good? I feel so used...yet...I'm ok with it. I think of DR Harry as excessively reckless, but I might be biased...

    Thanks for reading and taking the time to write another reply.

    Omagic
     
  19. Mercenary

    Mercenary Snake Eater

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    I like it, hope you update in the Work by Author when you do to your Yahoo Group.
     
  20. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Yeah, that's about it :)

    Harry is just so ungrateful for the talents he has. He's not outright whining about his cruel life, but he's certainly pouting all the time and doing everything half-arsedly. After all he's been through, he's still acting like a spoiled child... which may be in his character, but still pisses me off enough to partially ruin the enjoyment I get from reading the great plot.