Even after seven years in the Wizarding World, it was eerie that a portrait could contain so much of the life of its inhabitant. Before he had seen the finished project, Harry had the thought that there should be no painting of Albus Dumbledore—that no portrait could do justice to the greatest wizard to ever live on mere oil and canvas and reduced to a wooden frame. He thought that no portrait, no matter how well made, could recreate the gaze of those pale blue eyes. He was wrong. He sat there in silence, a glass of firewhiskey poured to near tipping.
“It had to happen.”

“Why, of course it did.”

“There was no other choice.”

“There was no easy path to take, Harry.” His eyes made Harry feel guilty, for all that the words were reassuring. He had the nagging feeling that Dumbledore, had he been there, could have done something. Anything. “And sometimes, the right choice is entirely obscured.”

“This is war, for Merlin’s sake.” Harry took a swig of firewhiskey, let the steam curl out of his mouth. He could see a pained look in Dumbledore’s eye. “They knew what was going to happen.”

“If it helps,” said Dumbledore softly, “It doesn’t get easier. It never did for me.”

“How the devil would that make anything better.”

“It keeps you from too easily making the same decisions. It keeps you from thinking of them as pieces on a chessboard. This, Harry, is the burden of command, the shroud that hangs ever heavier from you neck.”

“How could you deal with it?” Asked Harry desperately, pleading for some semblance of a solution. He drank more from his goblet, burping a small flame before continuing. “Deal with the knowledge that but for you, men would be alive.”

“Deal with it?” Dumbledore laughed. “Now that’s quite impossible. In the end, you can’t deal with it. You’ll have to live with it.”

Harry, sighed, quaffing another bit of hard water.

“That doesn’t help.”

“You did what you could, Harry.” Dumbledore sighed as he watched Harry belt back more of the whiskey. “No one could rightfully blame you.”

“I know that…” Said Harry, with a smaller sip. He thought he could hear something else there. Something that sounded like a plea for Harry to stop with something. Harry took another drink. “But…”

“But…?”

“It sometimes feels like I can’t stop going back and thinking that if I had done something differently- “

“Conditionals are the most dangerous piece of grammar.”

“Excuse me?” Said Harry.

“Ifs are dangerous, Harry.” Dumbledore stared into his eyes. “They make you wallow.”

“Wallow?”

“Yes. Wallow.” Said Dumbledore. “I’m done listening to you wallow. You lost a couple of honestly mediocre wizards and killed the worst wizard to come out of Hogwarts since Bart the Banal. You know what I’d have called that back in 1930; when I was your age and chasing Warlocks from Timbuktu to Tipperary?”

“A tragedy?”

“No!” Said Dumbledore, with reddened cheeks. “I’d have called that a damn good day. Then I’d have shot an Elephant.”

“Why would you have shot an Elephant?”

“Things were different in those days, Harry.” Said Dumbledore. “Why, when I was a lad, you were hardly anyone unless you had shot an Elephant. Now, it followed that the person who’d killed the most Elephants was the most someone- although I do believe I was the only person to figure out that. Either way, I made it a point to shoot an elephant just about every day.”

“You were shooting an elephant a day?”

“That’s right, that was the secret to my magic- elephants.” Dumbledore smiled. “No one figured that out.”

“With a gun?”

“No- no, of course not with a gun!” Said Dumbledore. “Barbaric idea. I only ever used the Killing Curse.”

“The Killing Curse?” Said, Harry. “But you can only use that if you truly mean it.”

“I truly wanted to kill those Elephants.”

“But the killing curse?”

“Harry, now you have to remember.” Dumbledore said, “I’ve only told a couple of students this and they’ve never become great wizards- except for me that is. You have to do it right. I told Hagrid first. I’ve always liked him but he went about his elephant hunting all wrong. That’s why he can barely use magic.”

“Hagrid killed elephants?”

“Why do you think he was breeding Acromantulas?” Asked Dumbledore. “There’s hardly any other reason to try and have the nasty little blighters.”

“Because he likes hideous beasts,” Said Harry.

“Breeding Acromantula’s because he likes them? Of course not, that would be ridiculous.” Said Dumbledore. “He was breeding them to kill Elephants. What he didn’t realize is that the Acromantulas were getting all the power of the kill. How do you think they got so big? To get the magic yourself, you really have to get up in there and kill the elephant.”

Harry just sat there, dumbfounded.

“I need another drink,” he finally responded.

“Pish posh! There you go again with the wallowing and with the drinking.”

“Beg your pardon, do you want some?”

“Want some?” Said Dumbledore. “I’ll have you know that I don’t drink.”

“You don’t drink?” Laughed Harry. “Why is that? Does it interfere with your elephant juice? Does it sap the energy from your spells?”

“Why of course not. That would be ridiculous. I’ll have you know that nothing can take the energy away from an elephant-powered spell” Laughed Dumbledore. “Back then, when I was killing elephants, I could drink an Arab under the table.”

“Aren’t Arabs teetotalers of a sort, drink banned by religion and all that?”

“That’s why I aimed clear of the Irish.” Continued Dumbledore, a contented smile sitting on his lips. “That’s the secret to life, Harry! Never pick a fight you can’t win! Grindelwald was a near-squib without the Elder Wand, there was a reason he failed out of Durmstrang.

“But that was a long time ago Harry. I haven’t had a drinking contest with an Arab in nearly seventy years, poor old Abdullah, and it’s been near sixty since that Turk in Saigon. That’s to say nothing of the last time I had a real challenge--I still can’t remember my time with Carrie Nation in 1903. I still have the scar though; hatchet wounds don’t heal very well after all!”

“Did something happen to make you stop?” Asked Harry. “Trauma of some sort?”

“Trauma? No.” Said Dumbledore. “You probably already know the story of why I stopped drinking.”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Well, you were there for a fair bit of it.”

“Was I?”

“It was on the Astronomy tower.” Started Dumbledore before looking back to Harry. “Come now Harry, you know this one.”

“Are you sure you’re not mistaking me for my father again?”

“Quite certain. At any rate, we were on top of the Astronomy tower, and then Severus killed me. You were there, weren’t you? Yes, yes, you were hiding under that wonderful cloak of yours-- I’m sure of it!”

“That’s just the story of how you died.” Said Harry.

“And why I stopped drinking.” Continued Albus, “It’s very hard to drink as a portrait.”

 

I actually kind of like this entry the most. It's entertaining in a way the others aren't, but it's so insane and all over the place. Dumbledore's character is interesting, and entirely different. The punchline was a funny way to go about things. That said, Harry didn't feel like a real character here. He was too passive, like a journalist asking questions instead of a character in a conversational byplay.

Obvious thing to point out about the grammar is the tag vs beat mix-up that's very common. I would have liked a bit more said tags in there who is talking when (maybe 3 or 4 more), but otherwise the piece manages to pull it off given it's only between two people and the conversation is fast paced. The pacing is done well, it doesn't overstay it's welcome and knows when to cut the joke off, while at the same time not extending it too far as to become tiresome.

Some of the jokes fell flat, and made me go "WTF?", but ultimately the piece was entertaining, although there wasn't a plot to speak off.

Original Concept - 5/5
Characters - 3/5
Plot - 2/5
Pacing - 5/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

Final Score - 21/30

 

As has been said, this entire piece was a punchline. From the moment I started reading, I expected it. The jokes didn't really fall flat, but I felt like there could have been more in the execution. No so much in word count, but I felt like I knew the direction the minute Dumbledore was telling Harry that it never got easier for him.

The response at the end, was certainly a response that was very Dumbledore-esque in its delivery. I also had an internal laugh track going off in my head the entire time. This was like a bit segment on an episode of Seinfeld, if Seinfeld was about talking portraits and magical schools.

I liked it.

Original Concept - 3/5
Characters - 4/5
Plot - 3/5
Pacing - 2/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

Final Score - 18/30

 

I'm glad someone took that prompt in an amusing direction. I liked it, though like others I wish that the rest of the conversation was up to the caliber of the punchline.

Original Concept - 4/5
The concept was original and uniquely amusing out of all the entries and for that I might love it more than I should.

Characters - 2/5
The elephant part had me laughing. The idea of Dumbledore with views that felt like they actually came from the 1870s is an inspired if off-the-wall bit of characterization and I wish you'd run further with it.

Harry unfortunately was not an actual charecter. It's a shame because there would have been some amusement to be had if you had let him react and participate properly. This is commonly found when people first start to try and write dialogue scenes since keeping track of both sides of the conversation in an interesting way can be challenging.

Plot - 3/5
There's not much here of course but the scene set amused me. As service to the punchline I think it could have been stronger but it made me giggle so I guess it served its purpose.

Pacing - 3/5
The pacing was a little off, I think the buildup to the final felt a little weak. Then again the sharp right turn from dealing with loss to elephant murder was a great bit of absurdist humour so it had its moments.

Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
The setting was serviceable for the simple setup for this story. I think that better control of the atmosphere and perhaps a bit of slowing down between dialogue scenes could have improved things. Overall it feels a little like a first draft. The ideas are on the paper with most of the funny parts in place but it's awaiting a rewrite that smooths and layers the narrative.

Grammar & Mechanics - 3
It's rough in more than a few ways but not in so many that it distracts from the amusement of the story.

Overall it's funny and charming if a little roughly written. The writing style feels quite unpractised but it has some solid underpinnings that could be built on.

18/20

 

I'm going to read/review without reading any of the other reviews first. I personally do this by opening the thread twice, then hitting 'reply' on one of them. Then I make comments as I read.

Good start. I particularly liked the "reduced to a wooden frame" bit to let us know Harry's feelings on the subject.

Initial dialogue was a little confusing. I wasn't sure who was speaking with the "It had to happen" until you used a name, and that was the fourth bit of speech. Then I worked backwards.

Minor grammar mistake or two, nothing big.

But also a little too vague. Had to happen. Of course. No other choice. Right, it's hard. They knew it would happen. Yes, this sucks. Is that supposed to help? Sort of. Yup, seriously sucks. Well, you did what you could. Yes, but still.

I'm over-simplifying, but I think you're trying to make me curious to know what they're talking about. But I'm frustrated instead. Real people don't talk like this in my experience, at least not for this long. Not without referring to a detail.

I laughed at the elephant bit - not the joke itself so much as your timing. The initial joke though is what made me grin... it seemed to go on a bit long by the end. The joke broke the tension, but then it started to strangle the scene.

...and as I keep reading, the elephant bit seems to be less of a joke and more of a legitimate part of the plot? He was actually getting energy from it? He could drink an Arab under the table back when he was regularly slaughtering an endangered species?

Yeah, I don't know.

But! Good twist at the end. Kudos for that - I didn't see it coming, it takes the prompt into account, and it made me laugh. This right here was the best bit, wish I'd thought of it:

Original Concept - 4
BONUS point here because I feel that you had the most clever, canon-based idea for the prompt. Albus doesn't drink because he's a portrait now, damnit. Good joke. But otherwise it's just Harry and Dumbledore talking about first something very generic and second something off-the-wall that I didn't quite follow. Still the idea works well enough for a short story.
Characters - 3
Neither of them felt quite in character but nor did they feel out of character. They felt like fairly generic versions of themselves, with Albus ramping up the weird past bit for a bit of extra interest.
Plot - 2
I don't feel like there was a plot, not really. If you had been more specific at the start with WHAT Harry and Dumbledore were talking about, and given one of them a goal, it could have easily worked. If Dumbledore was clearly trying to get Harry to realize/admit something (and then did or didn't), or if Harry was looking for an answer (and got it or didn't), but this was more just them talking without an underlying plot.
Pacing - 3
I didn't get bored reading it but I could easily have dropped it at any point.
Setting & Atmosphere - 2
I didn't get much sense of the setting at all, honestly. Atmosphere was covered a bit by the thoughts on the war and the drinking Harry is doing.
Grammar & Mechanics - 2
Various issues, most mentioned somewhere above.

Edit for TOTAL: 16/30

 

Haha, this was great. Genuinely really funny, got a big laugh out of me. The beginning could probably do with a bit of rewriting. Until the wallow line it was a bit rocky, but it redeemed itself from there. Dumbledore reminds me a lot of the floccinaucinihilipilification Dumbledore which is great. I also like that it really stuck to the spirit of the prompt. Not a whole lot more else to say really.

Original Concept - 4/5
Characters - 4/5
Plot - 3/5
Pacing - 3/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 4/5

Final Score - 21/30

 

@AlbusPHolmes - I call bullshit on the "0.5" crap - pick whole numbers next time. There are PLENTY of numbers in this scoring system.




...Edit for... Aw motherfucker - I try so hard not to post and it just keeps effing happening. Fine. FINE. I'll PRETEND that my 6000th post is my entry in WbA. And you'll all pretend too, damnit.