I don't know...when i watched the show, i didn't really find her that hot at all. But thats just me.

 

Thought both versions of her looked like pornstars.

And Murphy is hot but if you look closely she kind resembles a skull with hair and a tan.

Loved the last chapter even if Potter didn't play a big role. Usually i hate it when stories ignore the lead character for an entire chapter but not in this case. It was just to well written to dislike. Yes i know Dresden is a main character too but Potter is the true leading role.

 

Fairly sure it was Shezza who wrote the Mai/Dresden omake... could have been Jon though. One of those two... But twas not me.

 

Hmm, for those of you who care (absolutely none I'm sure) that chicks name is Eve Wyrwal, I randomly found another pic of her that had her name on it. Now that I've posted that we'll probably have to wait twice as long for an update though ...

Anyhow, back OT, I'm really looking forward to see what actually happened with the Wardens. I also loved that line from Dresden about Merlin and the Gatekeeper fighting, pure win.

 

Blimery Nuhuh, this fic is brilliant. For me it only really started to heat up when HP meets his first Denarian, but from then on out its pure gold! Looney Harry is hilarious, especially liked the moment when he refuses to save the giant phoenix spirit. Though it does seem that Dresden hasn't really had much of a chance to shine in scraps... Most beasties and baddies seem to be able to take him out without too much difficulty, so it would be cool to see him doing a bit of arse-kicking for a change.



I’m really looking forward to HP making the white council (and that smug Merlin shite in particular) realise the terrible mistake they’ve made… Though hopefully the Patronus might have already made them cotton on to that.

When will the awesome Potter/Dresden tag team combo start making hell for the Wardens?

p.s. Vash's signature is indeed epic, I bow down to his awesome sig-crafting skills.

 

The fuck are you saying? What, can't a guy get depressed once in a while? And you seem to assume allot about me in just that statement. Being born in a hindu family, you can't afford to being a depressed emo unlike white people. No offense to them of course. And whats wrong with being a fag? I lived with a homo for eight months, ya know. But like i said, people in this board are way too mean. And i'm only using a simple word for the likes of you to understand.

 

Stop. Talking. Now.

Learn by my example.

 

What the fuck, man... Calm the fuck down... go take your prozac and your other crazy meds. You're bouncin all over the place. ya fuck.

No one cares if we're mean. Go to muggle net if you dun like it.


Intertubes. Srs Bizniz.

 

What i`m trying to say, when i said mean, it was nothing more than a joke. I really don`t care weather you guys are mean or not. Shit, I`ve been here for how long, a year and a half?

Otherwise i would have left long time ago.

EDIT: also you flying idiot, i have the right to defend my self when he deliberately called me a fag and someone who likes to get depressed.

 

I love it!!
I haven't ever seen a Dresden book, let alone the TV series, but your work captured my attention from the get go!
My favorite parts were when Harry (Potter that is) meets the Gatekeeper for the first time, the fallen angel Roquariel, the phoenix was fantastic too.

And after reading this last chapter, I just CAN'T wait for the next chapter.
So as I said, honestly fantastic!

 

This is a conversation I dearly look forward to. In fact, this seems like a perfect place for Drip/Drop.

Otherwise, I quite liked the piece, no grammatical or spelling errors that I caught. Keep it coming!

 

First off, it's awesome that you're updating. I'm really looking forward to rereading this to get back in the swing of the story. From the little that I can remember, this was promising to be epic.

However, I did think that there was some large room for improvement on this chapter. The most glaring thing that I saw was your sentence structure. The vast majority of the sentences start with a subject and go directly to the verb.

You see what I mean?

For some reason, though, that hardly happened in Roqariel's essay, nor at the very beginning of the segment. So, I don't know. Maybe you were rushing to get this out or something, but I think that this already good chapter could easily become great with just a little bit of polishing and fine-tuning on the syntax.

Also, notably at the end, you started mixing up your tenses. It started right here:

You see? The verbs have to all be of the same tense, otherwise it just sounds off. It looks like you might have picked the story back up there and just started writing in present tense. It's a quick fix, and will make the story much more enjoyable to the reader, as they will be able to sit back and enjoy rather than having to subconsciously fix grammatical errors.

A rather minor thing, in comparison to the first two, that I picked up on was your use of pronouns, that last little portion after Roqariel's story in particular. If you look back on it, it's all "she said," "she looked," and on and on. Maybe vary it up a little bit to add some excitement to the piece.

Other than that, I thought it was a joy to read. The content was great, especially the interaction between Harry and Roqariel. As seems to be your style, you had a number of great little one-liners that made me chuckle a bit.

Thanks for updating.
Mr|F

 

Its all a little too confusing.

It takes me a while to figure out whose perspective I'm reading for each part.

I can understand that for the first bit with dresden, because of how its confusing for them to figure out whats going on... but for the second bit it should be more straightforward.

I'm not saying make it slapped with a delicious bass obvious, but something like...

"I squinted as I read what passed as a essay for a semi hellion 3rd grader... It was unique to say the least..."

Something along those lines...

I like roqa's characterization, but I have issues with the blood fire motif.

If she's in his mind, and she controls what he see', she should be able to just show her without either.

It feels like your trying to stylize her, the innocent school girl, with bloodlust is already enough to set her apart. anything more is just pushing it in my opinon

 

The Harry Potter section seemed off, specifically his inner monologue. It just doesn't come off as being the Harry Potter you have written so far. However that may be because I have not read the whole story all the way through for some time, so I could be wrong about him being a tad...off. Anyway, despite that this part of the chapter is damn fine and I can't wait for the rest.

 

I think I've figured out why in this chapter the character of Harry feels off. In all the other chapters, Harry's attention is going all over the place. Between his delusions and his thoughts running everywhere, you never knew in what direction he was going to move next. In this chapter, Harry is far more focused and lucid. That is why the feel is off.

Anyways, looking over what you posted here, here are some corrections and comments.

"And eager child" should be "an eager child."

Till should either be 'till or until, as there is a word "till", and it refers to plowing. So, change that word.

The word of needs to be off.

The word brown-read needs to be brown-red.

Add some commas and semicolon in here. Like this. "The thing of it was that after my little tiff with the phoenix, after which I was left crushed into the ground bleeding from everywhere you can, the bastards from the White Council attacked me. Now, at first Roqariel, being the sweetheart she is sang a beautiful song; using my voice, mind you, and put them all to sleep."

Nice. References to the Nephilim and all that. Big smiles from me here.
You need to switch the "it" and "use" around though. It should be "use it" instead of "it use".

Once again, this line needs a semicolon here. "Just don’t ever talk like you write; it is a nightmare to read, sounds like Merlin's diary.”

I find it absolutely hilarious that one of the 'dreaded' Outsiders is afraid of giving one of the Fallen the infamous "Talk". Dresden would laugh himself silly at this.

 

Haha! I'll have to work that in somehow.

Thanks for the critiques all of you. The major problem here is that this has been written at very different times with long breaks in between. Tense problems are mainly because of that.

I appreciate all the details you guys have given. Insightful comments from the usual suspects. Much thanks. I am going to take a hot iron to do this now.

 

Sree, you ass. You made me think you finally made good on your word and reviewed.

To the readers:

I'm writing, I'm writing. Only three or two chapters left.

 

What? In the whole story? (Or am I missing something?)

 

To the end of Book 1.

Three books total planned.