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Complete Demon’s Feign, Merlin’s Pain by Nuhuh - M - Dresden Files

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Nuhuh, Apr 1, 2007.

  1. Jigokuno

    Jigokuno Seventh Year

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    The second part was amazing I liked it a lot more then the first part mainly because of the whole angel killing followers of god thing before choosing sides didn't make sense to me. Someone else says he didn't understand why Harry decided to make them members of the OOTP and while I understand it was the cardinal light that had him do it you should have that part be a bit more detailed and stretched out it seemed to be too compact and undetailed for something as major as bringing people from the White Council over to his side.


    9/10 on the second part I loved it.
     
  2. AntiChrist

    AntiChrist Professor

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    @Samuel Black- I took that passage meant that he would have died had Martha Liberty not been there, but I agree that the wording could use a little work there.

    In general, I liked the second part much better. I like how Harry is doubting and suspecting Roquariel instead of a blind trust. That part made it clear that he was progressing from his madness. However the part about the oath of the Phoenix and the stuff about the Cardinal light seemed a bit confusing and came off a bit cliched. but that might just be me. The part where his plan to interfere with the Cardinal Light by having them use their Third Eye backfired completely was very amusing.

    In regards to your grammar, while just glancing through it I saw a couple mistakes here and there; I'll go back and point it out when I have a bit of time later if someone didn't already do it. Also, I found many of your sentences to be short and choppy, but I'm not sure if that was on purpose or not.

    Looking forward to the next part.
     
  3. Chime

    Chime Dark Lord

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    A little rough around the edges and the second part is really moving way too fast for my liking (he's oath'd some kids and thrown them into a crazy situation on almost a whim), but I'll reserve my judgment until I see the aftermath of this. It's exciting, even I don't quite understand the sudden twist.
     
  4. ChuckDaTruck

    ChuckDaTruck Overlord

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    Looks exciting.

    Lots of plots elements w/ dragons, phoenixes, etc. And still have to address parseltongue! :whew:
     
  5. Nuhuh

    Nuhuh Dastardly Shadow Admin Retired Staff

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    I have gone back and reworked the second part. The scene with the oath-taking was cheesy on purpose so that when he tries to mess it up by having them use their third eye and it backfires, it is that much funnier.

    I was trying to show that he is not taking the oath/order/ceremony seriously. But basically trying to get them to follow him so he could use them later as hostages. I have made that clearer in the clean-up and tried to show the interference by the Cardinal Light more clearly too.

    Someone said the Order business was cliche...yeah, it is. But as above I wanted it to have the feel of being bogus and superficial, to lend credence to Harry doing it for the sake of getting willing hostages. Hopefully in the edited version that comes off better.

    SamBlack, yeah that was abrupt but AntiChrist got it, the idea was that had Liberty not been there LaFortier would have died. I have changed the dialog though.

    Anyway, writing the final scenes now for this chapter. When I post it up with the re-written second part I'd like to know if the Order oath clicheness makes more sense.

    Thanks for the comments everyone, its helped me smooth out the content and writing.
     
  6. Kyle_Dodge1

    Kyle_Dodge1 DA Member

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    My faith is restored. Good job. More please.
     
  7. QuaziJoe

    QuaziJoe Dolphin Boy

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    I am pleased by this offering

    I have no complaints though I'm curious about the russian guys and there signifigance.

    Also having harry see past roqa's manipulations completely redeams him from earlier.
     
  8. Moeed

    Moeed Third Year

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    I don't completely understand the last part where the light is helping him, needs just a little more explanation.
    Wonderful work N.
     
  9. Glernaj

    Glernaj Stab Executive DLP Supporter

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    Gogo giving the Soothesayer the Total Perspective Vortex in a spell!
     
  10. AntiChrist

    AntiChrist Professor

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    Pretty nice in general, but the third part really needs a beta too look it over, particulary towards the end. Dakota's conversation in the second part is made a bit clearer, but I still think it's a bit awkward how he talks of Liberty's possible healing prowess. The fight scene was a tinny bit confusing as well. I liked it regardless.
     
  11. Innomine

    Innomine Alchemist ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Well, with my main computer dead at the moment, I finally got around to rereading all of DF/MP.

    I just have to say Nuhuh, I really REALLY like your duels. You are my nominee for best action writer ever.

    Either way. About the chapter, let me go through it part by part.

    Part 1 - Like all others, I was very... dubious about how Roqa had apparently suddenly taken over Harry. However, I could definitely understand why, and how it was logical, I just wasn't happy with it.

    Part - 2 - (not quite sure where the separate, im just assuming its after Harry takes control of himself again) For this part, I was very very happy with how Harry handled the separation, I didn't quite understand that he forced the Amnesia on himself, until i read the explanation in your post. Perhaps you could rectify that? Either way, I enjoyed the Cliche acquiring of minions, but only because he actually started caring for them, after a bit.

    Part 3 - The Harry/Charity interaction was great, I enjoyed his character a lot here. How he dealt with La Fortier was great, I also enjoyed the moment of realization by Listens to the Wind's apprentice, and his sharing of it to others. One thing I am curious about, will Harry just kill all the senior council members without prejudice, or will he actually spare the ones who didn't vote for his death? I don't think its really feasible for him to single handedly destroy the whole White Council again. Sure, he could probably manage it, but is it really in his best interests?

    I just want to reiterate what I mentioned up the top. Your duels are fucking epic. I want more. :/ Dun care if its this or catharsis, just more!

    And this keyboard is fucking horrific, I am amazed that I wrote this much, so painfully.

    The update deserved it however, in my opinion.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2008
  12. No Earthly Clue

    No Earthly Clue Third Year DLP Supporter

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    I agree with Ellisande you do fight scenes major fucking well. It had everything a big fight should have, great action and anticipation on what would happen next. You had me on the edge of my seat during the whole conflict.

    The only thing I'm wondering is how much more will the Soothsayers' spell, which was freaking brilliant, effect Harry. Or even if it will at all.
     
  13. QuaziJoe

    QuaziJoe Dolphin Boy

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    I kind of want Harry's shield to fail once to the dresden verse magic. Its buckled and withstood but I want it to fail atleast once to some forms of magic.

    Its nice that Harry's so powerful, and I'm not advocatign stupid harry here. I'm just saying maybee for some forms of dresden magic the shield may be a bad idea. So far its just a big old fall back spell for every situation.

    But remember I'm not advocating stupid harry. You know what I'm talking about...
     
  14. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

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    His shield failed against Soothsayers spell..
     
  15. QuaziJoe

    QuaziJoe Dolphin Boy

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    I thought it buckled...?
    Re reading...

    edit:

    I would describe it as ignoring the shield. I'm talking about a more tangible failure, or consequences to using the shield for one spell

    Something unexpected that leaves harry warry of using a protego...
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2008
  16. Innomine

    Innomine Alchemist ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Naw, I think its more that Harry actually CANNOT shield against certain types of spells. Like, how do you shield against a multiplied gravity field? Area of effect spells can be hard to shield agains, but singular beams can be shielded against, thats the kind of impression im getting at least.
     
  17. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

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    Agreed. The thing is in those kind of duels between Potter and Dresden wizards is mostly who will land the first blow with the magic that is impossible to shield on reflex (See Blackstaff mauled by dragonets, Harry by Gatekeeper's curse, Harry by Soothsayers spell, Warden Lieutenants by Dementor spell..etc) To manage deflect those kinds of attack's requires deep understanding of the opposite kind of magic, which neither opponent's have right now.

    Theoretically, Harry could surprise them by possessing them - they don't strike me as a kind of wizards who could expel him with love. Or simply bash them with the Killing Curse - as we saw in his memories.
     
  18. Chime

    Chime Dark Lord

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    Possessing a White Council member would be awesome. Do it.
     
  19. Innomine

    Innomine Alchemist ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    God yes. Possession would be great. I get some kind of feeling that the soul gaze mechanics would play around bitchily here though. Just a feeling.
     
  20. Robo Jesus

    Robo Jesus High Inquisitor

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    Here's something to ask yourself. Would the Fidellius Charm actually prevent a Dresden-verse wizard from seeing the place protected with the third eye?

    I get the feeling that, yes, a Dresden wizard could see a place protected with the Fidellius Charm with their third eye, yet still not know 'where' it is (Fidellius).