Spoiler

I'm not that really into LOTR. Isn't Maglor like Sauron or whatever? Without knowing that the story's kind of empty. Oh, look, there's this Tom Bombadil dude hanging around in a bar. He does a thing once and some time later he does another thing - neither seeming to have a clear what or how. Despite the year I've got no earthly clue who the second young man is supposed to be. Harry? Not in 2010: he isn't young anymore. A new Dark Lord? Who? Some Cursed Child shit?

Nothing really happens. I guess that's my real criticism here.

Technically there's work to be done. There's the usual verb/tense times confusion; "the elf, the dark-haired teen" being kind of bad descriptors in general; the shortness and irrelevancy of events.

Meh. 1/5.

 

Spoiler

So, I can see this one being pretty confusing for someone not familiar with The Silmarillion. I got it, but if I'm honest, I feel like it's a kinda 'done' idea in the LotR/HP space.

For those who don't know, The Silmarillion is so named as the largest part of it addresses the story of the Silmarils. The Silmarils are gems of unmatched beauty which were created by the Elf Feanor in Valinor. Morgoth stole them, and killed Feanor's father when he did so, before fleeing to Middle-earth. Feanor then swore an oath, along with his sons, to fight anyone who tried to keep the Silmarils from him. It was that oath which caused Feanor and his followers to commit numerous terrible acts in the following years. Feanor died fairly soon after reaching Middle-earth, but his sons continued his quest until they at last managed to regain the Silmarils, after reducing their people to utter ruin.

The last two sons of Feanor reclaimed two of the Silmarils after Morgoth was defeated. The evil acts commit for the stones, however, caused them to be burned when they tried to hold them. Maedhros, the second-to-last of Feanor's surviving sons threw his Silmaril, along with himself, into a fiery chasm. Maglor, threw his into the sea.

Maglor, alone among the children of Feanor grew to regret the actions he had taken in pursuit of his father's Oath and, according to the Silmarillion, still walks the shores of the world, playing his harp, and singing of his loss and regret.

In that context, this story doesn't really do that much interesting with the idea. I couldn't tell you the number of times I've had almost this exact idea pitched to me in PMs on FFN. I realise I'm probably far more involved in HP/LotR crossovers than, like, 99% of people, but for me the concept feels tired. You can't just go 'HP/LotR, Maglor's still alive, go!'. There has to be something else, some purpose or deeper meaning behind his presence.

I'm also at a bit of a loss as to what's happening. Maglor became a wizard, fine. But why did he teach Voldemort music? Why did Voldemort want to learn his music? What's so special about it? Voldemort doesn't strike me as the kind of person to care much for beauty for its own sake. It certainly didn't teach him the folly of pride or anything like that, as he's still referred to as 'You-Know-Who' and so was presumably still evil.

 

Spoiler

I mostly have to echo Steelbadger. Im a huge LOTR/Silmarillion/Tolkien buff. So pre-disposed to like this. It doesnt bother me that the concept has been done before, I still like said concept. But I think if anything what hurt you here was length. You didnt really have a chance to delve into the theme much. I might take the first 3 paragraphs and use that as an opeing/tone setting thing or maybe expend it a bit and make it a stand alone story that just explores what Maglor's life has become. I think the last paragraph sort of introduces a bunch of concepts you dont have a chance to explore.

 

Spoiler

Due to its length being too short, it can’t win, so I’ll be brief. I don’t know the details of the LOTR well enough to be able to comment on Maglor or if he’s in character. I’ve seen a lot of crossovers where HP characters go to LOTR universe, but I can’t recall one like this where it’s the reverse. Cool concept. It’s a silly little story, and I like the idea. But I feel it leaves a lot to be desired. May be my ignorance, but I can’t for the life of me figure out who the new young boy is. Can’t really imagine even a young Tom Riddle handling being shown up with a better spell and just thanking the stranger in the bar. Or that there are no rumors about a man in the pub who doesn’t age. This could have been the prelude to a story about how Tom goes to Maglor to find out about immortality in a few years when he begins pursuing it, or Harry and co. reaching out to him to find out how to overcome Tom’s Horcruxes. That would have been quite interesting, I think. Unfortunately, as it is I think it falls a bit flat.

2/5 – technically sound, interesting premise, confusing ending and no follow through.

 

Spoiler

Right oh. Pleasant from moment to moment, but I'm not sure I can truly describe it as a story. Nothing happens. It's not an anti-plot, it's a non-plot. There's no event.

Need a space on the side of your dot dot dots.

comma on either side of that in fact would help it read better.

Ello, ello, what's all this.

I'm not enough of a LOTR buff to know if this is one of those cursed family of elves who wanders if you're doing a Harry time travel or something.

I like these sentences, it's a nice image. It goes well with Tolkien, an elf, and the nature of the world, even with magic. Still, I feel the content is not in keeping with the rest of the paragraph which concerns his observing Tom's behaviour. Paragraphs should be unified in their topic.

Woah there youngling. Easy on those adverbs. Sometimes a verb, presented with a sentence on either side is stronger without the adverb. The reading of the verb's tone is inferred. And by sometimes I mean almost always.

2010, ey? This has lost me more than the LOTR. 1997 at 17, then what 13 years later, Harry would be 30. How old were his kids. Possibly one. Not sure if either of them had a stammer, is that a clue?

I like the prose, but I'm afraid that the story doesn't live up to your talent.

What's a story, to me?

A story should be something that changes, and I've subscribed in some degree to John Truby's description for a while now.

Essentially, you need a character, with a particular position/emotion/value at the start. You need what ever of those slashes you choose to define, to be different at the end. Then you need seven elements.

1. You need a character with a problem. The problem can be inside or outside, and they can not know it or they can resent it or whatever. It's their weakness. 2. You need them to want something. Maybe it's something that addresses their weakness, something it's that unknowingly would make it so much worse. 3. You need them to plan how to get it (and I'm not saying anything on the active vs passive argument here, but in a flash fic active has got to be so much easier to pull off, right?). 4. You need someone/something to prevent them from obtaining what they want (either pre-plan or during, preferably both). 5. They clash. 6. Their is a change in the someone's understanding. There is a change. 7. The ending. There is a new equilibrium.

This probably sounds absurdly reductionist. And, well, yeah it is. But who can contain all the depth and context of good story telling at all once while they're trying to write? This is simple. This is good. This means you know your essential purpose of a story: It's not an explanation, it's a proof. Something changes to something else. Let me show you how.

I think there's not evidence of those seven elements in your effort here. Although, again, I like your writing prose.

 

Spoiler

I get that you’re going for moments in time in Maglor’s long life but I found the style and plot of this piece to be rather choppy. The length probably added to the effect too. calling him “the man” at first and then giving us his name and calling him an elf is rather jarring. Similarly the jump from Arda and the founding of Hogsmeade to 1940 and 2010 seem random to me. This is echoed by the casual transition “now” in the last time jump.

 

• I'll reveal my identity here. This was a 3AM write with no planning, I just wanted to submit something for once in my life.

Post re-added by Ched

 

Spoiler: Thoughts

I mean it's not good?
The length doesn't help.
I also didn't know the protagonist of the story and even after googling it I didn't really care to find out more?
Why would Tom be interested in what I'm understanding is bard magic anyway?
I guess It shows another side of his personality but it's not fleshed out enough to be interesting.
1/5 .

 

Spoiler

I actually liked it a lot. Though, disclaimer, I don't know much about LoTR. The descriptions are great, and fic is short and sweet. Nothing really happens, but I'm okay with that. A picture was painted and that's enough imo. According to Ched the story is a few words short-- I think you could beef up the count by talking a bit more about the music spell, and why the boy at the end might even want it/ if Voldemort had ever used the music spell in a nefarious way.