Spoiler

A lot of New characters for such a short story. A toss up between only staying canon and fleshing it out. Seems like it needed to be longer to flesh them out.

[\spoiler{

 

Spoiler

The way I see it, you've got two problems.

First is that your technical writing could use improvement. This is clear from the first sentence of your story:

Gramatically speaking this should be, at the very least:

Even then, though, it doesn't scan very well. It lacks oomph.

I can find flaws in basically every sentence. You repeat words, which just results in odd cadences as the reader's rhythm is broken. You do odd things with punctuation: look up the rules for how punctuation works with regards to dialogue. Your characters all talk the same, with your Hagrid being the weirdest example. For a story about fiendfyre, you even got its spelling wrong. Your prose, especially when it comes to them combating the fiendfyre, is utterly purple.

Second, this story is an action scene. That's not actually a problem, but where's the plot? The characters learn nothing about themselves, nothing about the world, no meaningful change is affected. It is simply the story of a few teachers, Aurors, and others, essentially doing some handyman work.

2/5.

 

Spoiler

To be blunt, the best thing I liked about this is the idea of fiendfyre rampaging forever after. I really wish you spelled it right, alas...

There is many characters and yet zero chemistry between them, of any sort. I realize they might be strangers on the same mission, but they all barely acknowoldge each others in their words and that never happens. The whole dialogue comes off as unbelievable.

The plot's action scene, I feel, should've been aborted to make space for the resolution of the idea. The action doesn't add anything to the story as it is, and I feel there were better approaches to deal with it. Make it personal somehow, make it matter... That's why you mostly want to pick familiar characters for a flash instead of bunch of randos.

In short, everything is too impersonal except a little snipped from Minerva about Colin. You could and should do better. There is a potential to the idea.

 

Spoiler

The concept is doing a lot of heavy lifting here, but to be fair, I think it's actually a really cool concept; I hadn't ever really considered what would have happened to the fiendfyre storm once the battle was over, although given that we know from the epilogue and Cursed Child that Hogwarts continues to exist, I suppose it's obvious that it was solved one way or the other. Anyway, I really like the idea.

The execution, however, is a little flawed. I could pick it apart quite extensively, but the main thing that stood out to me was the third paragraph, which has a distinct air of padding out the wordcount - we've all been there, albeit usually in essays rather than prose, but as much as I appreciate a touch of ceremony, it feels a bit out of place in context to what they're going to Hogwarts for. I'm also a bit unsure why some of them are there. Kingsley, fair enough, former Auror. The other Aurors, yeah, OK. The Unspeakable? Sure, I can buy that...the Obliviator though? Professor Sprout? Most importantly though, it's not really clear how they end up succeeding. They're struggling, struggling...and then McGonagall wins.

I'm going to guess that this was written in the extension period, perhaps? A lot of this might have been caught on a thorough editing pass.

Anyway...all that said, I do find myself circling back to my original point. For all the technical flaws, I could be prepared to overlook that side of things because of the fairly inspired concept.

 

Spoiler

I like the idea. You found a nice, juicy little patch of canon that could be expanded on and sunk your teeth into it. Regretfully, can't say the same about the execution.

Firstly, you really lay on the authorial voice exposition dump in the first portion. You have a whole bunch of characters walking together in silence while you talk, essentially, over them all. It would be a lot smoother and more interesting to read if you had them talk to each other and gave the context that way. Have Kingsly ask Minerva if there have been any traces of bits of the flame escaping, have one of the aurors comment on how nicely fixed up Hogwarts looks and Minerva mention the foreign aid, or any other of the many ways you could do this. But as is doesn't work, not if you want any sort of engagement.

This is only worsened by some very - and I hope this doesn't come off as brusque - but lackluster writing. You need to take a long look at how you're constructing sentences. Many of them run too long with too many commas, some don't have commas where they need them, and others just include a lot of redundancies or extraneous descriptions. Try thinking of what you want to say with each sentence, and then make sure you say only that. List form sentences that, well sort of run with a lot of commas, and compound a variety of ideas, which you seem very fond of, do have their place, but only in moderation. Have a drink with your period key and get to know it a little better, you'll both have a blast I swear.

The action scene left me very disoriented, though I can't quite pinpoint why. Mostly I think because of the prose issues listed in the paragraph above, and how those issues make seamless switching between so many characters virtually impossible.

Final Verdict: It felt like a slog to finish, which really isn't a good thing for flash. Good idea, wasn't fun in practice.

Spoiler: Santa's Bag of Criticism

Double up of approach is a simple no-no. Because it's a joint action (both Minerva and Kingsley doing it) you should split the dialogue into a separate paragraph and attribute whose saying.

Not as concise as it should be, we know implicitly where he's inserting the key. You should also either have a comma after inserting, or have it as inserted (I'd choose the latter personally, but both valid).

Here's what I was saying. This is two sentences at least, likely three, all crammed into one. One example of a way to streamline it (though by no means the only) would be:

"No amount of work and goodwill however could fully restore what had been taken from them. Flitwick and Firenze said she was mistaken, but when passing through the spot Colin Creevy had been murdered she always felt the cloying brush of dark magic."

A little bit of concision, goodwill is one word, breaks up the sentence, removes a now-extraneous comma.

This just seems weird? Like why would the trip to the castle take overmuch planning? And it isn't smooth, day of the year is less specific than the trip, and so should then be listed first if anything. Example of something better:

"They had planned for this moment for months. Everything from the day of the year to exactly who would be present had been meticulously laid out."

Just... -> . <- (I. e. break this sentence up)

Repetitive.

This is a really damn good line. I've been laying on the criticism pretty heavily, but I love this sentence. Wish there were more like it, because its top-quality.

Just get rid of the last bit, yeah? This is really close to being a great line. Ending it on door implies that they may have to allow their comrades to die, and that implication then hangs heavy in the air. Spelling it out is both unnecessary and waters down this affect.

There're more instances of these sorts of things, but I think these are enough examples to get across what I'm trying to.

 

Spoiler

I would recommend that this author find a beta who could walk them through some writing basics, such as how to format dialogue, how to pick a point of view, and how to structure sentences.

This should be formatted: "Welcome to Hogwarts. May you find what you seek," Hagrid intoned as he stepped back from the gates.

However, the bigger issue is that Hagrid doesn't sound anything like Hagrid in this story. In fact, none of the dialogue in this story sounds anything like the characters we know and love.

I would also recommend that this author tell this story consistently from McGonagall's point of view. This story is guilty of "head hopping," which means the reader has to keep track of whose thoughts and emotions are being experienced. While most of the story is from McGonagall's point of view, we later jump into Kingsley's head (when he "knew" and "thought") and then Claire's (when she "could sense").

The unclear POV meant that I was very confused about who the "she" was in the last three paragraphs of the story. While an eventual reference to "the headmistress" finally clarifies it, the fact that "Claire could sense McGonagall’s own assault" implies that part of the scene was through Claire's eyes.

I did like the magic at the end of this story, and at times the author did paint some cool, vivid pictures. However, the magical concepts were pretty vague, so the ideas themselves couldn't elevate the bad writing.

Overall I have to give this story a 1/5, but I think that collaborating with a beta could improve this author's future writing.

 

Spoiler

I can't add much to the last two reviews; they both have it spot on as far as I'm concerned. I will say that I liked the idea in theory though, so clearly your heart is in the right place, if your hand still needs a bit more practice.

 

Spoiler

I like the idea and part of your cast of characters. You've got too many, especially as there's several OCs. I kept expecting Claire to be the main character, she seemed important at first but now I'm not really sure who was meant to be the mc here.

In canon, the Ministry is often portrayed as very incompetent, so it feels a bit jarring to see them come to Hogwarts to solve an issue. I suppose that's part of the new bright future, but it still feels strange to read (might be my biases though).

I think you could have had one OC meeting a couple of familiar characters, or just stuck to McGonagall and Hagrid and Kingsley. Some backstory to the OC would have been nice too, someone who we're given a bit of backstory to at some point, maybe they know McGonagall from before, or maybe they fought at the Battle of Hogwarts and reminisce as they walk up to the castle? Something like that.

More clarity in the fight sequence would have been nice, and I think you need to have another look at how Hagrid speaks and what title he uses for himself when he and Harry first meet.