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Entry #4

Discussion in 'Q4 2020' started by Xiph0, Dec 16, 2020.

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  1. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Yoda Admin

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    Not His Story

    “We are a plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures... I can't think of what anybody sees in them,”
    — Bilbo Baggins


    Harry reluctantly walked towards the Hogs Head. The bar wasn’t his idea of a fun way to spend the Hogsmeade weekend, and nothing he’d heard about the plans for tonight had changed his mind about that.

    “C’mon Harry!” Justin had a hint of impatience in his voice. “We’ll be late!”

    “Why do we even have to go? We could be at Honeydukes!” So what if there was a hint of a whinge in his voice? He felt he was entitled to that.

    Susan teased from his other side. “Where’s your sense of adventure? Aren’t you always going on about your Dad’s adventures at Hogwarts?”

    Harry snorted in exasperation as he recalled long nights listening to the endless stories from his father. “Yes! But I wasn’t saying that as a good thing!”

    Susan was hearing nothing of it though, and grabbed his arm propelling him forwards. “Well, here’s your chance to channel that inner familial Gryfindor side…”

    Harry scowled at that. “No thank you. Hufflepuff is more than good enough for me.”

    He got enough of the disappointed looks and the Gryffindor stories at home, he didn’t need it from his friends.

    Further conversation was cut off as they finally arrived. The bar was just as seedy as he had expected. But, as promised, there was Longbottom, surrounded with the usual gaggle of hanger-ons and admirers. Granger and Weasley chief among them.

    Longbottom blinked at them as they entered. “Potter?”

    Harry was honestly surprised the Boy-Who-Lived knew his name. “Ohh. Ehr. Hello, Longbottom.”

    Ron Weasley leaned in way too close, seeming to study Harry. “Potter? Like Jame’s Potter’s kid? You look just like your dad! He’s amazing. I heard as an Auror one time he…”

    “Yes, yes.” Harry cut Ron off, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. “That’s my dad alright.”

    Longbottom gave a hesitant smile. “My gran always says your father is one of the bravest wizards she knows! A true Gryffindor!”

    Harry gave a stiff nod, before finding his seat. Yes, his father was as Gryffindor as they came. Except for that odd Hufflepuff son.

    Longbottom must have sensed some of Harry's displeasure, as he turned to greet Susan and Justin instead of talking further.

    Harry managed to blend into the crowd after that, hiding behind his friends as he listened to the boy-who-lived stutter over his speech.

    It wasn’t that he disagreed with Neville. Umbridge was horrible. But this whole DA thing gave him an uncomfortable feeling.

    It wasn’t that he thought Longbottom was lying about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named either. Both Harry’s Mum and Dad had said it was true, and Harry didn’t think it was the sort of thing they’d be mistaken about.

    It was more what they were trying to do about it.

    Harry’s hesitation only grew when he saw Granger whip out paper and quill and go on about them all signing their names.

    He shot an angry glare at Susan and Justin for dragging him here before speaking up for the first time. “Our names on a list? Isn’t that a little risky… if Umbridge…”

    Longbottom scowled at him, and Harry found himself falling silent. Not that he was intimidated. Just… Longbottom had a certain aura around him.

    Hesitantly, Ernie spoke up in support from across the room. “Harry’s right. I mean. Some of us are Prefects… if that list…”

    Lonbottom’s glare transferred to the other Hufflepuff. “I thought you said this was the most important thing you’ve done this year?”

    Ernie fell silent as well.

    Which is how Harry somehow found himself signing his name to the parchment and agreeing to be part of some clandestine Defense Club.

    Something he was almost instantly regretting when not two days later he stood sandwiched between Susan and Justin reading the latest educational decree.

    “See? I told you she’d find out! This isn’t coincidence!” Harry was hissing at his friends.

    Justin just looked confused, but Susan was grim. “No, you’re right Harry, someone must have talked. But…”

    Harry cut her off with a shake of her head. “But nothing! I told you Longbottom was trouble! Now look? Every club needs the High Inquisitor’s approval?”

    Justin bit his fingernail in worry. “All of them? What about Gobstones? Or Athrimancy Club? Or the Astronomy Club?”

    “We wouldn’t have had to worry about *any* of them if Longbottom hadn’t dragged us into this mess!” Harry knew he was being unfair, but the whole situation was just so frustrating.

    Susan’s frown deepened. “That’s not fair, and you know it Harry. It’s Umbridge that’s being unreasonable.”

    Justin gave a hesitant nod of agreement. “I don’t like it either. But. If… if… *he* is really back…”

    Justin trailed off, and Susan jumped in. “There’s no ‘if’ Justin. I’ve told you a hundred times. My aunt says people are vanishing just like in the last war. Ask Harry if you don’t believe me, I bet his father says the same!”

    “He does.” Harry reluctantly allowed. “But I’m not sure what us joining a defense club has to do with it!”

    “Well.” Justin was hesitant. “Longbottom said this was the most important thing we’d do this year.”

    Harry rolled his eyes. “Longbottom never talked to us at all the last five years, and now suddenly he’s a font of wisdom?”

    Susan’s face took on a determined look. “None of that matters. I don’t care that he’s the Boy Who Lived. You know that Harry! But he’s the only one doing anything.”

    Justin bit his lip. “Well. I’m not sure my father would like me getting involved with all this.”

    Harry scowled. “My father would love it.”

    His friends exchanged a knowing glance, which only made Harry more frustrated.

    “Harry…” Susan’s voice was hesitant.

    Harry voice turned bitter. “Ohh it’s true. He’d love it if I showed some ‘Gryffindor courage.’”

    Justin gave him a sympathetic slap on the back. “C’mon Harry. Those Gryffindors might be flashy, but you know what they say. It's the Hufflepuff that finishes the race!”

    Harry gave a slow nod and then flashed his friend a grin. “Yeah. And I get enough of that Gryffindor preaching at home, I don’t need it from Longbottom.”

    Justin just looked confused, so Harry held up the educational decree. “This? I don’t need this trouble. Let Longbottom do what he wants. I’m out.”

    Susan bit her lip. “Harry. Maybe we should at least talk to Longbottom first.”

    But he just shook his head, feeling more confident in his decision the more he thought on it. “No. I don’t need any of this Gryffindor foolishness or crossing the teachers. I shouldn’t have signed up to begin with. I’m done with it.”

    And with that he turned and started walking away.

    Justin hesitated a moment, looking between Harry and Susan, and then dashed forward to catch up to Harry.

    Susan stayed behind.

    Still. Harry felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders as he marched down the hall. No more worrying about Longbottom, or Dark Lords, or what his father would want. Susan would come around.

    It was the right decision. He just had to remember that.

    He didn’t have any regrets.


    —————————————————————————————————————


    Harry was walking down the corridors alone. It had become more of a habit lately. Justin was a good friend, but his idea of a good time was joining ten thousand clubs and being immersed in endless social chatter.

    It made Harry miss Susan. It was much harder to drag Justin away form his clubs without her to lend a hand.

    But Susan still wasn’t speaking to Harry, not since the whole DA debacle.

    Not that Harry regretted backing out of the club. Not at all. It was the right decision. And it wasn’t like he had snitched on Longbottom’s crew, he just… hadn’t attended any of their meetings.

    It was the right decision! It was. Who did Longbottom think he was? If he’d just stop *antagonizing* Umbridge then maybe…

    Harry’s thoughts stuttered to a halt as he rounded the corner.

    There in front of him was Longbottom, a gaggle of his sidekicks behind him, his hands on Professor Umbridge’s door.

    Harry blinked. “What… what are you doing?”

    It was Granger who spoke up in an overly false high pitched voice. “Ohh! Harry! We were just waiting for Professor Umbridge! To… to…” she hesitated. “We had a complaint! About the latest educational decree. Yes.”

    Harry eyed her dubiously. “You’re here to… complain to Professor Umbridge?”

    “Yes!” Granger chirped in that overly fake voice.

    Longbottom just narrowed his eyes. “We don’t have time for this Hermoine. My Gran! *HE* has her… he…”

    Granger cut him off with a hiss before turning back to Harry. “We’re just waiting for Professor Umbridge, Harry. No need for you to stick around.”

    “Uh-huh.” Harry let his disbelief leak into his voice. “I’m sure.”

    “We don’t have time for this!” There was desperation in Longbottom’s voice now.

    Harry shook his head. He didn’t want anything to do with whatever Longbottom was getting up to. He could do without that sort of trouble. He was about to say as much when Longbottom raised his wand.

    Harry’s eyes widened in surprise. “What are you…”

    Everything else was cut off as a stream of red colored light went shooting towards him.


    —————————————————————————————


    Harry woke up slowly to a gentle humming sound and the feeling of someone stroking his hair.

    He looked up, and seeing only a red blob reached out his hand and scrambled for his glasses.

    A moment later the world came back into focus, and he blinked bleary eyed. “Mum?”

    “Your awake!” She smiled down at him again. “You had us worried there.”

    Harry rubbed his eyes, getting his bearings. He was in the hospital wing?

    Then, suddenly, everything came back to him. “Longbottom attacked me!”

    “Stunned you.” That was his father’s dismissive voice. “It was just a stunner.”

    “James!” His mother admonished before turning back to Harry. “Neville is a few beds down, Harry. Him and the others.”

    Harry frowned, rolling over in his bed. His mother was right. There was Longbottom, Weasley, Granger. Ginny Weasley. The hospital wing was crowded! What were they all doing here?

    He shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs. “But… but they were the ones who ambushed me! I never fired a spell at them!”

    His father snorted. “We never thought you did.”

    His mum shot him another quelling look before turning back to Harry. “Neville and the others got hurt later, dear. It had nothing to do with you.”

    “Neville crossed wands with You-Know-Who himself!” His father sounded absurdly proud of this.

    “What? I don’t? why?.” Harry turned to look at Longbottom’s bed. The other boy was sitting up now, watching Harry’s family with curiosity.

    Longbottom shot him a cautious smile. “Hey Harry. Glad you’re up. I’m… I’m sorry about the stunner. I didn’t mean to.”

    “It’s alright!” Harry’s father butted in before Harry could respond, flashing the Boy Who Lived a wide smile. “The heat of battle after all!”

    His mum’s voice was more gentle as she talked to the other boy. “Are you feeling better Neville? Madame Pomfrey was quite worried.”

    Neville flashed a more genuine smile at that. “Don’t worry Mrs. Potter! She just likes to fret over me.”

    “Hah!” His father barked a laugh and gave an roguish wink towards Neville. “Always getting into trouble are you? Your parent’s would be proud of you.”

    Longbottom seemed to perk up at that. “My parents? You knew them, sir?”

    His father preened at the attention. “Did I know them? Frank Longbottom was like a mentor when I joined the Aurors! The stories I could tell you…”

    “Really?” Longbottom looked positively eager now, leaning forwards.

    “Aye. He was a good man. A true Gryffindor, through and through.” His father paused to give a wink at Harry this time. “Not that there’s anything wrong with Hufflepuff of course.”

    Longbottom was laughing, delighted and charmed.

    Harry frowned though, feeling the familiar bitterness well up in him again. His father might pretend it was all a joke, but Harry could see the disappointment in his eyes whenever Hufflepuff came up.

    “Of course…” His father was still babbling on. “Even Frank never got up to adventures like I hear tell you did! Hah, you even put Sirius and me to shame!”

    Longbottom was grinning ear to ear. Harry felt a strange surge of jealousy, and gave a loud grunt.

    His father turned back to him at that, and the smile melted off his face replaced by an exasperated frown. “Don’t give me that look Harry. You could take a page or two from Neville! When I was your age I was already…”

    “James!” His Mother’s voice was sharp and cut his father off abruptly.

    There was a long awkward pause.

    Even Longbottom seemed to have picked up on the tension, and spoke up in a clear attempt to change the subject. “Will you be coming to Grimmauld Place then, sir? Is The Order going to be meeting? To figure out what to do?”

    Despite himself, Harry felt his interest peaked. “The Order?”

    “Never mind that!” His mother’s voice was firm. “Nothing you need to worry about, Harry.”

    Longbottom glanced between Harry and his parents. “You don’t know about…”

    His father’s smile was visibly strained this time. “Ohh, you know those Hufflepuffs! Harry’s never really been interested in things like that!”

    “Ohh.” Longbottom just looked confused.

    His mother made another effort to flatten Harry’s hair down and gave him a more genuine smile. “Harry just likes to focus on his studies and friends, he’s always been more interested in school than silly pranks. We’re very proud of him.”

    His father nodded, voice flat. “Very proud.”

    Harry laid back down against his pillows. “I think I’m going to get some more rest, mum.”

    His mother shot him a worried look. “Should I get Madame Pomfrey? A stunner is no laughing matter you know, especially if you aren’t used to those sort of antics.”

    His father rolled his eyes at that, but Harry ignored him and just shook his head, “No. I’m just tired. I need a rest is all.”

    He made a point to turnover onto his side, facing away from his parents, as he pulled the covers up.

    Distantly, he heard his father go back to talking with Longbottom, sharing some story about an adventure he’d gotten up to at Hogwarts with Frank Longbottom.

    Not that Harry cared.

    He tried to ignore the way his eyes felt rather hot, and just pulled the covers up higher to block some of the light out.

    It wasn’t like he cared about whatever stupid adventures or antics his father was going on about.

    Or whatever this stupid Order they were going on about was. Or whatever Longbottom had been up to.

    None of it involved him, and Harry didn’t care.

    He didn’t.
     
  2. BTT

    BTT Viol̀e͜n̛t͝ D̶e͡li͡g҉h̛t҉s̀ ~ Prestige ~

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    I get that you were aiming for a particular beat here, and I definitely think you hit it well. It's just that that beat isn't to my taste at all.

    Here we have a totally non-protagonistish Harry. He doesn't want to stand out and actively refuses things that might get him involved in the plot. He's a Hufflepuff, and in most fics there's a sort of vindiction to that. "Yes, he's a Hufflepuff, but Hufflepuffs are cool too!" or "Him being a Hufflepuff is exactly what was needed to save the day!"

    In this story, Harry is just exactly what everyone thinks Hufflepuffs are: losers. A duffer. It's not really fun to read about, in part because the reader's probably already been where Harry is - laying around while everyone's having fun and doing cool shit and growing as people. There's the emotional turmoil you'd expect but honestly there's not much growth so I can't actually bring myself to like this.

    Scoring this is hard because it's true to life but not an exciting part of life or anything, it's just sadsackery. 2/5.
     
  3. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~

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    Fair's fair, taking the prompt 'Not all Adventures at Hogwarts involve Harry' and writing an entry entirely from Harry's POV, but where he isn't the Boy-Who-Lived, is an interesting take. Unfortunately, it's kind of the most interesting thing about this, because nothing really happens. Harry complains (not without reason, although it's not clear whether Umbridge does uncover the list in this version), Harry gets stunned, Harry has to listen to his dad being a jerk. It's not really until that final scene that the story really starts to take off, but then it's over. It doesn't help that the main emotional aspect is something that's broadly been done before in different BWL stories, but in much more depth and detail.

    I can see this developing quite nicely, and I do sympathise with the difficulties of writing a more passive Harry; it was one of the most common criticisms of my story Hallowed, back when that was first (still) being written, but I had the advantage there of time and room to build up to something, which by the nature of the competition here you have perhaps missed out on. It's written pretty well, nothing much to say on that side of things, good or bad, but like I say...nothing really happens.
     
  4. bking4

    bking4 Second Year ⭐⭐

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    You do this a few times. I'm assuming you meant for these to be italicized, but DLP doesn't use Mark Up (that I'm aware of). DLP does, however, allow you to italicize. Just make sure if you publish this anywhere, you change that.

    You're awake.

    Should be capitalized and shouldn't have both a period and a question mark.

    Okay, so this was nice! A short little story about a different Harry. Unfortunately, in my rather strict understanding of the prompt, I think this is similar to Prompt 3 in that it doesn't qualify. The prompt says "Not all Adventures at Hogwarts involve Harry." However, based on my understanding of the AU you've set up, there are no adventures that involve Harry.

    Please don't get me wrong. I like this story, and I enjoyed reading it. The concept is fun and provides a nice backdrop for a character piece where we get a look into a different kind of Harry. You do a great job of presenting us with a character who is struggling to be true to himself while still craving affection and approval from his parents who patently and unabashedly disregard and disapprove of him. The ending of the piece felt very strong to me.

    In reviewing this, my one concern is that we don't see Harry with much agency. Even when he does show some form of agency, such as choosing not to engage in the DA, his action is more non-action than anything else. While this is inline with the character you've developed and makes sense, it does make it a little hard to be engaged with the Harry. He spends most of the story not doing anything or complaining about doing things.

    Unfortunately, as I said, I don't see this piece as fitting the prompt. So while normally I would give it a 3 or a 4 out of 5, for the purpose of this prompt I give it a 0/5.
     
  5. FitzDizzyspells

    FitzDizzyspells Seventh Year DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    Ha! Fun take on the prompt. I do feel like you're essentially trolling, lol.

    Stylistically, this is probably the best written story of the four. If JKR were to write a hufflepuff!Harry AU, the beginning of her story would probably sound just like this. This entry can't win this comp, though, because there's no arc or plot here. This is a slice of life AU, and I was more than a little disappointed that literally nothing happened to Harry. If this were a story about how Harry patches things over with Susan, or about how he and his dad come to better understand each other, you could've had the honor of winning the comp while trolling the prompt.

    I found myself genuinely wanting to spend more time with Susan, Ernie, Harry, and the Potters. I hope you reveal who you are, so I can read your other stuff.
     
  6. Niez

    Niez Competition Winner CHAMPION ⭐⭐

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    You cheeky bugger. I’ll echo my co-reviewers in stating that it's both the best written story of the bunch and the least enjoyable, from a purely ‘what I look for in a protagonist’ perspective. Nevertheless, the ingenious use of the prompt and the emotional impact in the end kinda seals it for me. Added to that, I think that if this were chapter one of a longer fic I would read on, seeking that character growth/redemption for Harry, which must count for something. Probably my winner, though I would ask that you use your writing talents for a more agreeable plot next time around.
     
  7. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    2502 words
     
  8. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    Looks like Harry is involved here? Will see how that affects prompt usage - guessing he won't be the main character and will be tangential given the prompt.

    Oooh, and AU! Harry the Hufflepuff and a living James. Don't see a lot of AU short stories featuring Harry - I'm interested already.

    They're all headed to the Hog's Head, which makes me envision them all as in at least fifth year, but... if they're that old why doesn't Ron know who Harry is? Haven't they been in the same year at school for years now? They'd have had classes together, yeah? And if they're younger than that why are so many of them in the Hog's Head randomly?

    Oh - okay, it's the DA formation. If you edit this later I'd hint at that more strongly before they get there (when they're walking). Maybe this is on me though.

    Loved this description -
    Justin was a good friend, but his idea of a good time was joining ten thousand clubs and being immersed in endless social chatter.

    Oddly enough I like the characterization of James here - forget what Harry has said or implied about him and their relationship, as soon as he's on screen the dismissiveness, the 'we never thought you did' and his entire attitude scream characterization.

    Do all your characters like that. You could even tamp down on some of the earlier attempts to inform readers that Harry and he don't see eye to eye because you fucking nailed their relationship in a few sentences.

    Well done. Despite being from Harry's POV you actually did manage to make this about an adventure at Hogwart's that didn't involve him. I didn't expect anyone to pull that off, but you did.
     
  9. Blorcyn

    Blorcyn Chief Warlock DLP Supporter DLP Silver Supporter

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    [​IMG]

    Hmmmm. Was suspicious of this prompt use.

    As an aside, while you establish the who well, and that's good in the context of reviewing for this competition where we know the prompt, I think that the opening sentences could be stronger.

    The opening lines are the most important in any story, but in a short story in particular, you should be able to make them A) Magnetic B) Cover Who, What, and potentially Where, and C) be able to set out the MC's position at the opposite extreme from the ending, that you've already written and well understand. I'm not sure you manage all that. Particularly A, I'm sorry to say. Particularly as I found a lot of the early story from this point onwards magnetic.

    So this story has a plot, even though it looks like it doesn't. It's just not an adventure, and I like that you had the balls to go for it. Plot, is only ever in service to character, and until the very end, when it just stopped, I really felt that we were on a well understood and no-fat well-trimmed character arc from set up to change to resolution. There is a plot here, with TBWL's adventures from the outside, to put Harry into the pressures he needs to change and correct his flaw. His really well signalled flaw.

    you know what's wrong here.
    [​IMG]
    Don't like these *s rather than just formatting the text. Is there any benefit in being unorthodox here? I don't think so.
    So this is great. I really appreciated that you had a conscious understanding of what you were writing when I saw how you used his friends so well here. We clearly see what Harry needs to overcome in his story regarding his relationship to his Dad, his wound there, and how he's started acting in the flawed way to compensate. A pathological aversion to anything 'brave' or 'adventurous'. It's a great set up.
    . Why?"

    The ending of Neville's story isn't the ending of Harry's. I feel, at this low point, where he really realised the deepest despair, you cut off his arc. He hadn't had the insight that should've then become apparent, just the low that normally precedes it. And then he hasn't made 'the choice', hasn't shown an ability to be different in a way he couldn't have at the start of the story (presumably still low key, but maybe something about facilitating the Order at home in the summer, or some light anti-Voldemort activity with the other Duffers like him in Hufflepuff. And then the first inklings of repairing his relationship with his Dad to finish). You really need the next bit to make this a complete story. It's what I'd want to see in order to say it's a great, fun story that I could recommend for a light read to others. At present it's abortive.

    Still, well written, engaging, fun.

    Easy winner, for me.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2021
  10. soczab

    soczab Professor

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    This one was me! Thanks for all the feedback.

    And yeah I had fun with the prompt. But the minute @Ched said "Should be a non-Harry POV at Hogwarts unless you’re really clever about it" My reaction was "challenge accepted."

    Also feedback was really useful thank you all. for @Blorcyn Interesting point about the 'arc' and definitely making me rethink the ending. I think sometimes ASOIAF has influenced me too much in that I often seem to go for negative trope-defying/non-standard endings. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. Based on the feedback in this one id say not worked and maybe I need some better resolution if i ever want to expand or publish this. ((I Also liked that you spotted the two typos I made which were driving me crazy since its been published))

    Also for Blorcyn. The **. The problem (and maybe someone has a solution) is for some reason the app i use for writing... when I copy it over to DLP (and space battles) all my italics become undone. so when publishing for here I started using ** just because the italics dont work. Italics on the board work fine. It's just when I copy and paste my work it all seems to be undone. I don't actually like using ** so much as its a work around for me. Open to suggestions (or better apps that I can afford).

    @Niez thanks for the feedback too. Your like my gold standard in reviews so enjoyed reading that.

    And I admit I got some glee from everyone commenting on the HP pov with the prompt I had a lot of fun with it.

    I also think most of the feedback here was spot on, including the constructive bits. Ill take it to heart and try to improve next time. Thank you everyone who left feedback. Fitz. Shiny. Bking BTT. I read your feedback multiple times and spent probably too much time reflecting on it. So I really appreciate taking the time (I laughed out loud at your troll comment fitz)
     
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