Spoiler

Now this is a start that I like.

And then there's this scene that has Harry Potter and some wizards talking, but it doesn't feel like Harry nor like Harry Potter, but I'm going through with it because I expect a great revelation. And then it comes. So the world wants her uncovered, and we have no idea why. If there were some hints, I'd missed them completely. Because we find out it's Gabrielle, I'm sad to say that I even stopped carrying why is she such a big deal. However, I am happy knowing that he got to bang a bird later. It was a good read, ngl. Not quite there, though.

 

Spoiler

The intro's too long. Description of the bar, Harry sitting in said bar, Harry talking to two flunkies who get their asses kicked in absolutely zero time. It feels a little like a scene from an action movie, where the cinematographic cuts are a little too long, a little too lingering.

When the action actually starts, it's good - I might have liked a little more threat to Harry, maybe. He chumps these dudes with one hand tied behind his back, which to me makes it less feel like Harry taking out two incredibly dangerous dudes to prove his own credentials than Harry beating up two losers easily.

The Corsican being french (one presumes a reference to Napoleon?) and, more importantly, Gabrielle, is a little random. Perhaps if you had mentioned her while Harry was kicking ass and taking names, the effect would have been stronger. The mob boss being a background character all along does feel cliché, though.

I'll give this a 3/5.

 

Spoiler

I liked this one. There's a bit of noir to it -- Gabrielle as the femme fatale, Harry as the hard-boiled detective, the two goons -- and the imagery is vivid. The writing and grammar are solid. This works well as a one-shot. A bit cliché, maybe, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. 4/5

 

Spoiler

This feels like a start to a much longer story – the exposition is a bit too drawn out, what is actually happening isn’t established very clearly, and it sort of fizzles out at the end.

The setting is cool enough. I think it’s the most established part of the story. Most of the characters feel like indistinguishable goons, including Harry, with the exception of Gabrielle, who is some sort of cliché femme fatale.

2/5 because it’s not really much of a story in itself.

 

Spoiler

I loved this. An excellent noir story, and a top contender for the winning entry.

Protagonist:
It's DLP, so I'll allow one more hardboiled, jaded Harry Potter. This author did such a good job writing noir!Harry that I can't complain. The little quips. Blowing smoke in someone's face. Always on his guard. The clear implication that he's disillusioned with the world. The author knows exactly who this character is, and as a result, so do I.

Antagonist:
Are Niko Stamovlakis and Jan de Vries a little clichéd? Sure. But again, the tropes are so well executed that I don't mind at all. And they're interesting enough to distract me from the big boss reveal, which I definitely didn't see coming. I should have seen it coming, which is how you know it's a good twist.

Plot:
I love that we have no idea why Harry is there until the climax. Talk about enjoying the ride. I definitely haven't followed all the DLP comps, but still, this was my favorite duel scene in a DLP comp entry by far. I especially liked the details you interspersed during the duel:

Climax:
I did some very lazy Wikipedia research, to make sure I'm not getting noir and hardboiled confused. And I think this story might fall a little more into the hardboiled category:

Perfect description of the ending of this author's story. The ending is somehow both satisfying and ambiguous, so well done for pulling that off. Harry completes his job (maybe), gets the girl (maybe), and escapes safely (maybe). Ugh! I love how you're ticking all the boxes but also not ending the tension entirely.

Dialogue:
This is the only place where I would push the author to try a little harder. The dialogue is satisfying because it's just so in line with what characters in this type of genre should say. But that means it's slightly predicable, and the dialogue doesn't exactly sparkle all the time. The characters repeat themselves occasionally, just in a reworded way, and sometimes they say things that are obvious, which you want to avoid. I want you to escalate the danger and tension in each new line, especially when it comes to the conversation between Harry and de Vries.

Excellent last line, though.

4/5

 

Spoiler

I really liked it in general, interesting take, well paced for a short story. It was a nice set up, but also felt complete. Sometimes short stories of this nature, can seem to leave you hanging, and while this did, it also felt suitable. I wasn't cheated out of more.

I'm taking a whole point off for this line, that's so fucking cliché you should feel bad.

3.2/5

 

Spoiler

Not a fan of how over the top the noir style is, with the cigarillo and even the cliche conversation between Harry and the gangsters. But the the twist is quite funny, the fight scene is nice, and the writing is technically good. 3.5/5

 

Spoiler

This entry took a while to get the ball rolling, but when it did, it was pretty good. The writing flows well, and I could picture very nicely the noir atmosphere. I would've liked it better if the antagonists had a bit more flair to them, but overall, the fighting scene was satisfying and I'd enjoy seeing this continued, someday. 3.5/5

 

Spoiler

I love the way you describe things, I think you have real talent for that. The place and most of the people, although as much as I loved the belt wrapped twice around the man, you then spoil it slightly by spending the whole paragraph with more descriptions of the same man. Usually describing a couple of features on a character is enough, I feel like these descriptions maybe carry too much of this story. They are really good, though, and I truly enjoyed the language in this.

As for the story, I like the concept of this au, but it does not feel like HP to me, probably mainly your Harry's fault. He is so James Bond that he feels like James Bond and the henchmen feel like they're from that type of franchise, too, especially their conversation.

I was fully expecting the blonde to be Luna, and I was getting quite excited about her as this crime boss and what she would say in the reveal. I suppose a Delacour makes more sense and fits your style better, and it's not your fault I built it up in my head, expecting nargles and conspiracy theories and canon Harry's subsequent awkwardness, and got a bit disappointed by the reveal.

 

Spoiler

Harry had never liked Venice? I hate him already...OK, jokes out of the way and onto the review proper - this feels like an attempt to mash up a Joe fic and a noir detective story; that's not a criticism, necessarily, but both are hard to pull off well (even Joe doesn't always make his distinctive style stick the landing). That said, I was pretty on board with this until conversation started at the club. The two feared gangsters came across as dumb enough to be hired muscle in a kids adventure book, which put me off quite a bit. The actual fight was pleasing, in a curb stomb style, and the revelation that Gabrielle is the Corsican is an interesting one, but it felt a little abrupt.

 

Spoiler

The setting for this story is vivid, but it's not Harry Potter. Neither is Harry, for that matter. I didn't care for the new villain in this story and describing them as being wanted by multiple governments did not help. Describing the deeds that led to the notoriety would have served your cause better. I do like Gabrielle as you've written her. A 3/5 story in the end.

 

Spoiler

On the face of it, this has the trappings of the sort of story I enjoy, a badass older Harry, international intrigue, mooks, a femme fatale, etc.

It's a very solid piece, and my favorite so far (I'm reading through the entries in ascending order, so still got lots more to go through).

Into the meat of it then - the mooks don't feel sufficiently threatening enough and never does Harry ever feel in any danger. There's a line when he first enters the bar that says he's sure there's a wand hidden under every table ready to be pointed at him, yet when he'll breaks loose almost everyone simply runs. Now this could be because Harry has a reputation, but he's still one wizard, and it would have been more believable to see more people take a shot at him and also see him earn said reputation by having contingencies in place.

Some nice imagery sprinkled through and the beginnings of a decent mystery is slightly tainted by a stereotypical tropes cribbed from decades of private eye novel and movie, and the story doesn't do enough to stand outside the shadow of its influences. Still, pretty strong entry.

4/5

 

Spoiler

Only thing that made me roll my eyes a bit is the thought of Gabrielle secretly being this feared mafia boss. I don't know if you've ever met one, but real mafia bosses are usually swarthy men called Boris, which is really the farthest you can be from a gorgeous blonde veela. Rest of it is fantastic though. Your description is quite vivid and original without being noticeable for it (A++), you demonstrate great ability to create ambience and set a scene (A+) and you're just about self-aware enough to pull the over the top noir thing without it becoming grating. Delightfully fun read, and I mean it. It'd have my vote for sure if I were actually voting, but unfortunately for you, I am not. I'd very much like to know who you are though. You've got clear talent, m' boy and, I suspect, some trolling tendencies, which should just about make us the best of friends.

Spoiler

Alright, I lied. I also caught a typo.

 

Spoiler: spoiler

Honestly, if you want to know what I thought in one sentence, read Niez's feedback. He nailed it.

In my own words, I also rolled by eyes a bit about Gabrielle being the secret mafia boss. That felt a little...silly? But other than that I loved it. You did a great job setting the scene, hinting at deeper stories with Harry without telling us. I was invested and interested and eager to see what happened. I'd gladly read a sequel to see Harry's life or how he got here.

The tension building and fight scene were well handled.

It reminded me a little of Harry Dresden in the conflict build up.

Just a fun story. Nice work.

 

Spoiler

That was a great reveal. I had pretty much forgotten about the blonde playing piano. I also liked the tough guy persona Harry had. It’s a good atmospheric piece, and reminded me a lot of Noir writing - especially Chandler’s Marlowe. I wasn’t sold on smoking Harry at first, but the way the cigarillo was eventually used was good - which leads me to my favorite part. You’ve got some vivid fighting moves in that scene - I love the image of an animated table grappling with the enemy.

The writing was good as well. The only mistake I found was in this line: “You boy’s really ought to step back and reevaluate things.” Should be boys, since it’s indicating plural and not possession.

In any case, this is the kind of story where you go, yeah, I want more of this. Gimme.

5/5.