Spoiler: Review

This isn't an entry I'd have expected, but that's not a bad thing.

Like I said in my review for entry #3, this is an emotional piece. There's a certain mindset which is necessary to really appreciate it. The first scene wasn't particularly interesting, I have to admit. If I was to write this entry then I might've added that scene to give a reason for Binns to start passing on for good, but as is I can't find anything like that.

The rumination on which memories Binns might have lost and a sudden random dead wife (?) being introduced were, I think, meant to evoke emotion, but they didn't. The second half, where Binns starts realizing that oh shit he's dying for realsies this time, is better in that aspect, so I think you could've led with that and had a stronger entry as a whole. Center it around his conversation with Dumbledore and you'd have something solid enough.

There's some technical flaws in this entry. There's a whole spate of sentences which all start with "I [verb]", for instance.

Score: 2.5/5.

 

Spoiler

I think this is one I'm going to remember more for the concept than the execution. But, to be fair, the concept is pretty intriguing - I'd never given any consideration to what Binns does when he isn't teaching, so this was a nice surprise.

The problem for me is that, ironically, it's a little insubstantial. This does fit with Binns as a character, I suppose, given the length of time since he's died, his lack of memory, and his general disconnect from the world around him, but it stopped me getting properly emotionally invested in the story. It's kind of sad that he's lingered so long after the death of his wife (if wife she is...I might be reading too much into the bit about her different ring), but with so little to go on it's muted. Again, that makes sense in the context, but it works against the stories effectiveness. I'm also a little unclear on why it's happening now - if it's prompted by thoughts of his wife, it's either happening very quickly, or it's been a slow process over the few years since Hermione spoke up (assuming I'm remembering my canon correctly) and reminds him of her - but that then begs the question of why he lingered so long, given that his memory was presumably better earlier in his death.

Technically it's OK. A bit choppy and repetitive, but that works well enough in context, and at this length. Any longer, and it would be more of a problem.

3/5

 

Spoiler

This was an interesting story. You could go any number of ways with Binns, as we know almost nothing about him from canon.

In terms of his characterization, I found it odd that you made him several centuries old. Can ghosts truly learn new things easily after they die? I always assumed he had been dead for maybe 50 years for some reason.

I think the way you characterized him makes sense based on canon. He's a bland, repetitive character who doesn't seem to have an inner life. That's the character you wrote here. You did attempt to humanize through the use of his memories of some girl (wife? girlfriend? student?) but even so, everything about Binns seems bland. Frankly, that makes him boring to read about.

We end the story still having no sense of him: what he was like when he was alive; how he became the Binns we know; etc. There's no shock, no twist, no moment of sympathy. It reads like the ramblings of an old, senile man.

Stylistically, the use of first person makes sense, but also hurts the story. It emphasizes the fact that Binns just doesn't have a personality, and it results in repeating variations of 'I did this, I did that, and then I did that other thing' over and over. If you want to rewrite it, I'd suggest going for third-person omniscient to make the style seem less repetitive.

I did like the moment of pathos at the end where he passes on. That's the sort of thing you could focus more on to help us create an emotional connection with him. Perhaps a moment of panic where he expresses regrets besides being a shit teacher? There's just not enough to chew on here.

In short, it was an intriguing idea that needed better execution and more thought put into who Binns might have been in life. Thanks for writing.

2/5

 

Spoiler: Ask not for whom the review tolls

Spoilers as requested, to shield you from the beyond sections.

Spoiler: The final countdown

Spoiler: Judgement from the hereafter

Once again, I find myself saying that I enjoyed the tone of this story but it had some failings that stops me from fully praising it as much as I'd want to from that alone. It's a shame. The strengths of this story are such that it would be very enjoyable, I feel, if it was less narratively confused. Like entry #2, it strongly establishes tone, and it's a tone I find appealing and one I'd like to see better defined.

Plot & Pacing:
The plot confuses me, if I'm honest. I understand what happens but it's never made clear - to me at least - exactly why it's happening.
I think it's Hermione asking him questions that kicks us off. I feel on a further reading that maybe it's love. Love is the great power in Harry Potter that defeats death, and the jeopardy seems to be that he is losing his memory of this nebulous her and that Hermione kick-starting it is enough to get him to move beyond.

However, it doesn't quite seem that there's a conscious awareness of this in Binns. If that's the theme you're going for then surely by the end it should be a conscious choice he's going for. He's let go of the drive that made him a ghost?

Also, in terms of the pacing, for such a short piece it's direction doesn't seem to jump quite quickly enough, it's words don't always seemed turned to a purpose. I don't mind that the piece is short, at all. I very much agree with a 'tell as little' as you can get away with. Get in. Get out. However, the reason and the excuse for this is that you need to make every line count. And for a piece this length, you really do. Every single line turned to a purpose. Turned to getting binns from his blackboard to accepting the afterlife with nothing holding him back as quickly as you can. It felt like Binns was on a timeline, but it didn't feel like he acted on. He just fretted. It also didn't truly seem like his memories got clearer and clearer, which perhaps they ought to have.

Characters:

I suspect that the fluffiness that I discuss in the section above is as much a product of the characterisations as it is the actual events of the scenes. The only two of importance are Dumbledore's and Binns'. There's not enough in the timeline for me to pin this down - but I suspect it must be in the time that Dumbledore has been cursed and is contemplating his death? Maybe I've just been prejudiced by entry #4. I'm not sure how much it adds when it's such a light touch in such a short story.

I realise how ironic this is going to sound but there's not enough On the Body description for Binns as the perspective first-person character. He's too open in his emotions and motivations always directly telling us.


Still, I won't say you haven't succeeded. Binns is relatable and I empathised with him, which I'm sure I've never done in canon or fanfic before. There's pathos in him, and he's a pathetic man (in the true meaning of the word). I did pity him. This line particularly landed.

And I felt for him. What I'd hope to see is what you've done well done better. I think you could make a piece like this fantastic.

Prompt Use:
The prompt is used to the extent that it is the context within which the story is used. But it's by coincidence, it's not essential to the design of the story. It's provoked (I think) by the students when they're still there (but perhaps it's not sixth year, because I'm sure Hermione would've asked questions when she was younger. If it's to do with how she's aging, I'm not sure I want to consider it). If there was, in fact, an element of ritual magic then I'm afraid it's gone over my head.

I don't think it's ultimately important, outside the context of this competition. If you edit and republish this story later it'll stand as it's own thing.

Copy-edit:

You misuse ellipses. I believe they shouldn't be three dots by themselves with a space on either side but tailing from the former word.

Other than that, technically perfect.

Spoiler: The terminal event

Right. So, let's be frank, I think a lot of what I wrote above for your story could be well addressed by what Chuck Palahniuk calls 'submerging the I'. You can find it quite easily online but not in a way that I can link on the forum. It's number four on that list and the comments get you there (or PM me at some point if you're willing to sacrifice your anonymity). The important point is that it would help with how you express, I think, Binns' turmoil and his actions in a way that speaks to the effect you're going for, but more quickly. However, I'm not gonna write about that because I've already written about it in one of these reviews, probably the most detailed comp review I've done. So even though it's not your story I think the first portion of it will say the same things because it's not exactly story-specific.

Instead, I think I want to discuss,

Theme:
Firstly, I know a lot of people see it as pretentious and unnecessary 'if you want to send a message, use Western Union'. Still, I think it's an essential part of coming up with a decent story, and it'll happen in any good story whether you mean it to or not. All our children's books have a lesson, fairy tales and Aesop's fables. We're conditioned to look for them, and we do. Look how Star Wars resonates, or Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter.

It's not a huge topic, but I do think it's the most fundamental part of writing a story and, personally, theme and moral lesson are the first things I consider when writing a story, to try and make it feasible for me to tell as little as I can (as you can tell I'm given a bit too much to writing too much for not much reason at all) while feeling like I can build up a story that turns on the right points, has the right sort of crises, the right sort of pacing and the right sort of antagonists.

Spoiler: reference

As always, I refer to my two favourite books on story writing, the ones that discussed the fundamentals that underlie the more modern stuff on structure like Save the Cat or Snowflake, and helped me to grasp a fragment of the why rather than the how which are Robert Mckee's Story and John Truby's The Anatomy of Story, in that order. If I link any videos, they heavily rely on these two, too, it often seems.

Chuck Palahniuk has an article on this in that nuts and bolts essay list, too (he approaches it more from the subject matter angle and threading theme in on a paragraph to paragraph basis).

To me, theme and moral argument/question are essentially the same thing, rather than theme being abstract subject matter like death or depression. A story is essentially a long-winded way to tell something that could be a boring essay. You want to have an underpinning moral analysis that the reader can take away, a way to consider the world, and it's not that it has to be about the right way, you can just have a lot of bad ways (the joker was just as much a part of the Dark Knight as Batman was, and he defined that film in his antagonism. He even directly states his position multiple times). I also don't mean it in the sense that you're trying to teach people anything, despite the word lesson, but that you're giving them something to consider and that you need to have a simple way to think about how you're going to frame the arc of the story and this is the best way to do it, and make sure that it's consistent throughout the whole story - by having that consistent thematic vision.

Examples:
Citizen Kane - people who try and force everyone to love them end up alone.

A Christmas Carol - A person is happier when they give to others rather than hoard to themselves.

The Lord of the Rings - Evil sows the seeds of Evil's own defeat (according to WoG)

By using simple ideas like this, you can hang a whole story off it and not lose sight of what you need people to be doing as you go along. The reason I'm such an advocate I suppose is because I used to come up with events to jump between and I'd inevitably stall out, pattern repetition without flexibility or understanding, and I can't advocate that.

To try and create a consistent story using theme, Anatomy of Story lays out some useful steps:

1. Try and create the moral lesson in a single sentence. In your story, what could we say - and I may be totally way off base here, I can't know what your vision was, but maybe:

It is better to chase after love than remain in material safety.​

2. Then try to frame it as the choice your character makes in the climactic moment. I think the most important thing about this is that the choice shouldn't quite be a choice between a good outcome and a bad outcome, because that's no choice at all. It should rather be a choice between something that offers them what they want and something that they need.

Professor Binns notices that he is fading and finds he must choose whether to tie himself more firmly to the world around him and forget everything about his time before his ghostiness or chase after his memory and his lost-love into an uncertain afterlife.​

3. Create your protagonist around this challenge. Hellofutureme has an excellent video on this (which I can't find, I'll try and edit it in, Have this one instead which has similar topics). Essentially, you want to channel his values and his 'ghost'(the 'wound', the failing/reason, that stops him going after what he needs in his back story) around this but particularly his flaw and how it effects his needs. The needs that he'll learn from his journey through the story (or not, depending on what you're going for - either way he'll get close, he'll get to that crisis point).

Flaw: Professor Binns is [blank], lets say, erm, unobtrusive or retreating. He's a real George McFly. This flaw creates a,
Psychological need: Professor Binns needs to learn that he can make an impact on the world and that he should. The lack of this is something that affects the hero, sure. But it needs to have spill on, it needs to have negative effects on the world till he achieves it, and that creates the,
Moral need: Professor Binns needs to learn that his ignoring the material world around his made those who live in it around him miserable. He needs to learn how to inspire others to chase after their goals by inspiring them, rather than retreating from them like he did for many years.​

It's not quite right maybe, but it's something. And once you've got this you can push against these buttons above with your antagonistic forces or persons. As your Hero possibly goes after the wrong thing he'll make more and more immoral choices, that moral need and psychological need will grow larger and larger before us.

4. Setting, the setting itself needs to work towards your vision of what Binns is going to learn. As much as any evil villain ever could it needs to squeeze in on him. The events, the design of your story needs to expose him to things that punish him when he's chasing his flaw and reward him when he's going after what he should be - or vice versa, depending on the story you're going for.

5. Antagonists - there aren't quite any per say. But there could be in the general student body, in Snape, in Dumbledore. In a previous review for entry number 3, I talked about the levels of conflict, and that's the sort of thing you apply here to figure out where the most complication can come from. The thing about antagonists that really works here is that you define them in opposition, multiple oppositions, to the theme. Because there's always more than one view on things. If our theme line is: 1. then you can spin that as an opposition character who has turned to material utterly as Binns might, an opposition character who has already achieved what Binns will achieve, and opposition character who has negated it and found a way to have his cake and eat it - an antagonist can be the castle, can be Binns himself.

6. Then you need to make a point to aim for. The conclusion to your moral view point. Dumbledore standing with Binns as he fades away. A moment of revelation where hopefully Binns realises it's what he wants. If you've been swinging at it and against it in every aspect of your story, you'll have wrung every hint of satisfaction possible from this story and you can give it up as a good job.

That's all I got, you'll be glad to hear.

Spoiler: Parting is such sweet sorrow

Having read the rest of the reviews now, I think the concluding sentiment is that:

A. People like the concept but found the execution dissatisfying.

B. People didn't get a good sense of Binns, not his history and the events that he was intimating at as important, quite so much as they want.

I can see that and I agree. I suppose I considered A rather a lot more than B, but with the characters you've written here in the form of Dumbledore, Snape, Hermione and the mysterious girl and mysterious girls' mother, I think it would be entirely feasible to approach this thematically and make every single line work for you - lengthen it a smidge perhaps - and come away with the same tone and hopefully a more satisfying story that gets us there.

Good luck!

 

Spoiler

Very introspective little bit. You need to be in the right kind of mood to appreciate the emotional side of it, and luckily I pretty much was. I like the idea of Binns leaving for the next adventure and remembering things of his past. The portrait of the mother was a nice touch to provide an additional anchor between him and his former wife.

Stylistically, the writing was paced well and for the most part read smoothly; in some instances you had quite a few “I”s, but while I did notice them, they didn’t exactly prove to be much of a speedbump while reading. Still, it’s never a bad idea to practice varying your sentences.

One thing to note:

Dumbledore, for all his flaws, is far too compassionate to talk about replacing Binns right after learning that he’ll vanish. In a later part of the story you have him ask: “How are you feeling?” That, I believe, would have fit much better here. In a similar vein, I think Dumbledore would actually be the only person to know Binn’s full name. The idea that no one does is interesting, but it just doesn’t fit Dumbledore.

But Dumbledore’s interaction with Binns was the only thing that really jarred me out of the reading for a moment. Afterwards, though, I couldn’t help but be sad that the story didn’t include the reason for Binn’s fading (or was it mentioned?), and a few more interesting tidbits of his life. Given that this is an emotional character piece without much tension, I get the need for brevity, but it felt, in a way, reduced only to romance. As far as fanfiction of fanfiction is concerned, a world in which Binns keeps roaming the castle a bit longer, maybe even trying to find a new professor, and thereby starts remembering more of his interesting life, would sure be interesting.

Anyway, I liked it.

 

Spoiler

This was a touching story. It was maybe a little overly simplistic, but that makes sense for the character and the fact that he's fading from this world. I loved the opening line.

Nice end scene with Dumbledore, too. It was heart-breaking when Binns suggested a successor who turned out to be long dead. I really liked the moment when Binns apologized for being a terrible professor, and Dumbledore offered that he wasn't a very good headmaster himself.

When we got to this scene:

I thought, for a moment, that we were reaching the end of POA. Even though I was wrong, I really liked that idea — that years blend together for Binns and that time feels warped (because he's still thinking about Hermione's question from CoS). But I suppose then it wouldn't fit the summer prompt, so I guess you couldn't sprinkle in moments from the books. But if you decide to publish this on FFN, it would be an interesting idea to see Binns witness several brief, dramatic events from the books and not care enough to even be interested.

And, lastly, this line tripped me up a little bit:

His wife wasn't a student while he was a professor, was she? We can probably assume that Binns liked to talk about history even when he was a kid, but it still threw me off. Or maybe she was also a professor? If this is a character we should know (based on the portrait hint), I wasn't able to figure it out.

The idea of Binns thinking of his late wife was sweet and heart-breaking. But the story ends before we really get a sense of what kind of connection they had. It might be worth having Binns recall something that he did for her, long ago.

4/5

 

Spoiler

It's short, but it hits the point pretty well.

I really liked the story from Binns' perspective, it's really nice to give some actual perspective to a habitually humorous character. It's emotional-- he forgets bits about his past, he feels disconnected from everything around him, like nothing really matters in the end.

And that gives him a bit of a tragic side. He's stuck in his incomplete state, unhappy, but unable to move on. He's grown senile, and loses much of any sense of reality he has left. It's quite poetic, and I think you pulled it off pretty well.

The shortness sort of... uh... makes it fall short though. I think the emphasis on Binns' feelings got a bit lost in the process, and the reader isn't really left to reflect enough on the whole of his sentiments before the story ends. I just didn't feel really like Binns as I was reading but rather just a sympathetic observer, and I think that's the main issue, it doesn't feel very personal, about as disjointed as Binns was himself from the world around him.

It's still pretty good anyway. Your idea was wonderful and you've covered most of the bases despite the shortness.

4/5

 

Spoiler: thus spoke Zaraniezstra

Lighting round time.

It’s a very short story, nicely written, but not really one that adheres to the prompt. I mean Binns moving on to the next great adventure is a fine idea, but him doing it over the summer is not qualifying enough, in my opinion.

It is also perhaps a bit too simplistic, both in tone and style. Your first few paragraphs are all short and spiky, which means that by the time we reach the sixth one I’m hungry for a bit more meat. I understood you went for a particular style, but a well balanced diet is key to avoid indigestion. Besides, lean and concise is usually great, but not when your going for a melancholic mood.

I thought for a moment that you were going to play with Binns being an unreliable narrator, but you seemed to not want to beyond the hints of time passing. I encourage you to reconsider, as seeing things from the perspective of a fading ghost could have been rad as fuck. It's also a good opportunity to experiment.

Besides that I commend you for your ending dialogue (Dumbledore, for how long we see him, seems genuine), and apologise for the brevity of the review. I’m on a mission to review them all, you see, and there is not much time left.

 

Spoiler: Review

I was very, very close to liking this the best, but first person POV is what ultimately sinks it, imo. I personally dislike first person, mostly because it's hard to do well. Binns didn't have much of a voice, and if you're writing in first person, that voice is the entire story. My go-to example for this is To Kill A Mockingbird. Scout's voice is so immediate and poignant that I could be given a random sentence from that book and be able to identify it. While that's some of the best first person English writing of the last century, even Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games has a distinct voice, and it's one of the reasons I was able to read to those books to begin with.

Ultimately, deciding on a POV boils down to a couple things: intended atmosphere and distance. If Binns is having difficulty recalling memories or recalling them correctly, if he's close to fading away, then I would avoid the immediacy of first person. First person is personal and upfront, and it's hard to convey that kind of dissociation and distance through it. Third person limited, or even second person, have more potential in this regard. Even third omniscient, if executed correctly, has amazing potential with this premise. If you want to keep the personal core of Binns but convey distance, split the different if you will, then I would try second person. Second person allows you to describe the dissociation and confusion from Binns', but also project it onto the reader, who is most likely also unsure and confused about what's going on. Add that with more revelation of subtle details, and you've got yourself the workings of a great emotional piece.

Overall, 3/5. I loved the prompt usage, and the potential is absolutely there.

 

Spoiler: Review

These phrases really stuck out to me and I quite liked them. In general I like the solemn yet banal-like tone of the story. That it's quite an average day and week in the summer, but it's the week Binns is finally going to die and that's what he'll be doing this summer.

I didn't like that it was in first person perspective, it works to show his thoughts and emotions but I think it might've been better off in third person imo.

I also felt like Dumbledore's reactions to Binns passing was a bit off, I don't think he'd be jolly or anything but the sort of mourning-tone he talked to Binns with was a bit off, I think he'd handle it with gravitas but accept that ultimately Binns had been around for a long time and it was simply his time to go.

I liked the little mention about Binns not remembering that it was a new headmaster/him not knowing Dumbledore's name and in return Dumbledore not knowing Binns first name. That symbolism was quite neat.

In general I liked it but it could've either been built upon more and Binns melancholy journey explored more (like why of all times did he now decide to pass away? Like he could have a small epiphany on a quite normal day and that's why he decides to pass away fully deciding it was futile to still be around) or shortened even more and been a snippet that still leaves the mystery of why he passes away intact but in third person it'd work being super short I think.

I've read a fic similar to this, it's in the library here on dlp, I figured I should mention it to you if you haven't read/heard of it before.