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WIP Equilibrium by Jon (Surarrin) - HP/SW - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Nuhuh, Oct 2, 2015.

  1. happyg

    happyg First Year

    Joined:
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    Glad for the necro on this fic because who doesn't love banging a dead horse?

    What to hate first, the flaccid prose, the obtuse approach, the uninspired drivel in between? Please give us more flat characterization, playing card regurgitation, and ego-masturbatory pontification. Terrible.

    This is one of the worst fics in the library. Not surprising considering the source, one can find all sorts of excrement flowing out of the sewer. I'm just sad to see DLP fall so low. The quality of writing and characterization are brutally subpar.

    This being placed in the same category as Ectomancer and On The Way To Greatness is an affront to the hard work and excellence that DLP seeks to promote.

    To satirize the author's post signature and bring home the disconnect I have with this "story" -

    "Jon's fics are kinda like children in a way.
    Bright, pretty, smart—children that any father would kill to have.
    And he just tells them he needs to buy a pack of cigarettes."
    —Lungs, 2015(Actual post signature of the author)

    My interpretation-

    "[Surrarin]'s fics are like children: immature, without skill, without polish or forethought, and only cute to those who can't see their hollow insides. If only he'd aborted."

    I'm embarrassed to think that I recommend every fan to check out DLP and that they might find this and think it is representative of what hp fanfiction and DLP have to offer. May the force forgive you, you receive no points and may Merlin have mercy on your soul.

    While I wouldn't have deigned necro it myself, I will abide by the "morons need not apply" guidelines and give an well constructed opinion per point number 2.

    In summary, this isn't one of my favorites.

    Not trying to make anyone blush of course, but perhaps you look good in red?
     
  2. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    Oh hey, it's Sree's waifu.

    Welcome back!
     
  3. Rahkesh Asmodaeus

    Rahkesh Asmodaeus THUNDAH Bawd Admin DLP Supporter

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    Atlanta
    [​IMG]
     
  4. happyg

    happyg First Year

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    Thanks for not threatening to ban me this time! I quite appreciate the quick response.

    You'll have to explain the anime reference. As far as I can tell, Sree is some kind of racist joke. Really a class act, perhaps you'll write a new fic extolling the virtues of culling indigenous peoples. You should name it DreamTime.

    Really looking forward to an update on Equilibrium, it's been nearly a year. If you've abandoned it like your chances to score with a biological woman, perhaps as a mod you should consider marking it appropriately.

    Please note that replies to incendiary comments shouldn't leave you as butt hurt as that neighbors billy goat does most afternoons, and thusly this reply is simply given in the convivial spirit with which the above response(stating that I'm a make believe masturbatory fantasy according to Google) was given. Take it easy, MNNA # 5.

    To redirect and summarize, it's a shame to be back, hearing the death knell of creativity and quality and depth in the library.

    To any potential readers, if Equilibrium had a tenth of the vim and vigor of the author's intolerance (in evidence above and beyond) it would still be poorly written but would have mighty depths...

    Alas, it instead has a mighty...well just read it. It's mighty banal, venal, puerile. It's like a person with out talent wrote it after a bout of severe oxygen deprivation.

    My favorite part(I'm paraphrasing)

    "What's going on?" Ahoska asked with a yawn.
    "Thankfully nothing more." Harry replied. "It's over now."
    "Thank the force and Merlin's taint," said Ahoska finally, "Even my name was stupid. The rest was abomination."

    She shuddered, the universe finally dark around her, ending another worthless chapter in her life, good only for its apparent finality, for its beautiful release from the pain and the shallowness. For none should have the dubious pleasure of being the flotsam in the flood of feces, the jetsam in the ebb of excrement, the equilibrium between poor ideas and wretched execution. Her sins washed away only by the anonymity, the certainty, of oblivion.
     
  5. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Honestly, my enthusiasm for the idea died a while ago. Definitely didn't help that during this years Star Wars celebration some info was revealed that filled in the blank period that I relied on to start the fic. Not only did it shed some light on what she got up to in that time, but it also displayed a bit of where she was mentally and I felt it was disingenuous to continue with that info contradicting what I'd written.
     
  6. Yenroch

    Yenroch First Year

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    True.

    I might be presuming too much but..

    You continuing this story would perhaps fulfill the wishes of people that wished there was something else going on in that period of time. I for one, would not be opposed to reading the continuation of this fic whilst knowing what was really happening in canon.

    Like Nauro's fic "Steal My Thunder God", [although of a different universe] I knew what was happening in canon at the time the story started, and yet I enjoyed it. Why? Because I wanted something different. Because I wanted something that would sate my mind's train of thought saying, "I want something different! I want something more!"

    Because at the end of the day, that is what inspires us to write fanfiction. That part of your mind which wants you to alter the story to your desire.

    But then again, it is your story, and is your property to do with as you like.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2016
  7. Another Empty Frame

    Another Empty Frame Fake Flamingo DLP Supporter

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    That's a really weirdly specific way to say that, comes off a little... transphobic? but I don't even get where it's coming from.

    Also, um, Sree is someone's name on here, he's just not called Sree on the board atm.

    AAAAAnyways, I've been meaning to get around to reading this fic, and the renewed discussion has convinced me to give this a shot, have it open on the phone, hoping to get to it in the next few days.
     
  8. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Counter-Revolutionary Other Guy Admin

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    It's like you think using big words will let you walk again. :sherlock:
     
  9. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Counter-Revolutionary Other Guy Admin

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    Burn so clunky it left a young woman paralyzed. Not surprised you use big words, what with all that reading time.
     
  10. MiLLo

    MiLLo Squib

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    Aug 28, 2011
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    First off, Happyg is trying too hard. I was bored after the second sentence.

    Anyway, I enjoyed this story, however my biggest problem is that Ahoska just isn't interesting enough. Her personal 'task' towards the end with the Sand people wasn't particularly interesting, and I had to fight the urge to skim. It wasn't anything to do with the writing, but solely because the actual character just doesn't grip the interest of the reader.

    Maybe that could change as we learn more about the two, but as a few other people have said, Harry is the one driving the plot, and I'm far more interested whenever Harry is in focus, than I am with the other characters. However telling the story from Harry's perspective would probably make it even harder to buy into Ahoska's story, so I kind of understand it.

    It's good, few issues here and there, but that's my one major gripe with it.
     
  11. Pyryp

    Pyryp Squib

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    Finland
    That's a weirdly specific thing to be bothered by.
     
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