Reasonably fun power trip fic but I want to punch the author in the dick every time they start going on a HPMOR exposition for a quarter of a chapter about their chakra science bullshit.
3/5

 

Concept wise, this is a guilty-pleasure fic right up my alley.

Execution wise, for the first few chapters the main character/author is just as cringey as the tropes he ham-fistedly makes fun of in the first chapter. His sense of humor is the literary equivalent of nails on a chalkboard.

It improves a bit as the story goes on(as of chapter 10), except for the HPMOR tendencies that Mutton pointed out, and for the fact that the protagonist is more of a sociopath than Sasuke, without Sasuke's excuse. 3/5 is fair.

Edit:

It improves further in terms of writing quality as the story progresses, but also leans into the crutch of over-explaining magic science while everyone else stands around making stupid faces and not understanding Sasuke's brilliance. It could be a 3.5/5 with some editing.

 

I think a 3/5 is a perfect score for this fic, which is a shame because I could really see it scoring better if not for a few things.

The things the story has going for it it is done really well. The characterization, dialogue, and writing are good. That Danzo scene mentioned is one of the best I’ve seen in a Naruto fic.

If only I didn’t have to skip half of every chapter to get past the ‘Look at me I’m so smart’ excruciatingly boring and overdone theories/explanations of each and every chakra thing he comes across accompanied by his real(?) life examples and experiences. Like damn, tone it down a little.

If you don’t mind skipping some parts when you’re overcome with boredom, take a shot at it as it does have some cool moments.

 

So this was a 3/5 for me. The Danzo stuff was just badly done the SI was border edgelord for most of the time, this current arc is interesting if only because I haven’t seen it before but at this point the SI is really OP.

 

Another chapter that's 1/3rd weird chakra to science bullshit. I'm kind of astounded by how much better the fic would be, if still just a power trip, if the author just cut it all out.

 

I feel like the HPMOR comparison is a bit harsh. Yudkowsky had his definitely-not-an-SI 11 year old what reads books make fun of perceived inconsistencies and authoritatively fix it while actually being wrong about the science (and the canon) most of the time. I'm not getting that sort of complete disrespect and dismissal of the source material just to make oneself seem smart in comparison here, the guy's trying to make it work within universe. That was my take early on anyway, and while the SI still makes mistakes, admits he'd be working from half-remembered ideas from years ago, the science stuff has been taking over lately. Even so, I like the occasional intrusion of philosophy and the SI starting to be more open-minded to the spiritual aspect of chakra and realizing that he might have been missing something major there.

I think the biggest problem with the story is when the author's real character shines through the SI, because my god is he not very likeable. The terrible humor problem mentioned previously in the thread got better in the middle, but lately it's been rearing its ugly head occasionally. That being said, I think it does a lot of things fairly well considering it's an indy power trip wish fulfillment fic, mainly in terms of plot progression, new ideas, and not wallowing. 3.5/5 rounded down 3 because I'm not convinced it's not about to fall of its own edge and go down hill in these chapters, but I might even be convinced to bump it up if it all works out.

 

The author's long tracts on the science of chakra make the fic barely readable. They belong in posts on some Naruto forum, not a story. Also finding the Hidden Mist arc doesn't seem like it's going anywhere, or if it is, it's doing so slowly. This was more entertaining when it at least had the cannon narrative as rails to follow.

2/5

 

An excerpt from the book How Not to Write a Novel sums up pretty well why this fic fails hard for me. I want to like it, but not only is the SI completely insufferable, the "story" is just page after page of masturbation in what might as well be a complete vacuum.

Spoiler: Excerpt

Monogamy

Here there is only one plot line, and the only thing your characters do is follow it. If, by chapter 3, you have only two characters playing a role in the plot—Chapter One, they meet; Chapter Two, the first date; Chapter Three, first kiss—your novel is probably suffering from a bad case of monogamy. Even if it is a light-hearted romance set in the bistros and boutiques of Manhattan, there’s something Twilight Zone–ish about it. The only real people in it are your two main characters, who do not interact in any significant way with anybody but each other.

There are many problems with this. Some of them—tedium, boredom, monotony—are merely symptomatic. But one in particular makes it fatal. It does not feel like real life. However obsessed Annabel is with dating Ronald, she still has to go to work, deal with her family, score the painkillers to which she has been addicted since high school. In a monogamy plot, friends and relatives only ever call the protagonist in order to have long conversations about Ronald’s behavior on dinner dates. In real life, friends and relatives only call to have long conversations about themselves.


Onanism

In its most extreme form, monogamy is better termed onanism. Here a single character goes through life without having any meaningful interaction with anyone else in the world. If a typical page of your novel features only one character, you are probably engaged in onanism. Into this category go all stories about sad singles who spend scene after scene thinking about the mess in their apartment, their flabby body, the distorted faces of the hostile strangers who surround them, their unhappy childhood, the last job they lost, and their habit of onanism. Tales of solo travel and/or self-discovery are particularly susceptible.

 

2/5

It's a very readable 2/5, but it can be an infuriating train wreck. I almost quit reading in disgust during the Land of Waves arc. It gets better but it is very hard to recommend as anything other than a time waster.

What is great about this story are the action scenes. The author knows how to write a fight scene and it shows. But there are just so many failings. I don't want to take the next two hours writing out a novel so here is a quick rundown.

All the SI clichés. He knows physics, chemistry, martial arts, sword fighting styles, how to engineer a compound bow. He just knows whatever the author needs him to know as if he's reading it off a wikipedia page. He is also way too powerful way too early in the story.

He extends the fight with Zabuza so that he could take command. Did he have some goal he wanted to accomplish there? Nope. He just wanted to be allowed to train freely again. It's just blatant sociopathy and isn't connected to a character arc.

Approaching Zabuza and Haku and making deals with them during the mission. This should not work. The fact that it does demonstrates that the author cannot separate themselves from what they are writing. The SI just gets to run around and do whatever they want. The world only exists to show how amazing they are.

Incompetent Danzo. Sasuke just live captured Orochimaru solo and Danzo thinks he can walk into Sasuke's house and successfully brain wash him with a jutsu? WTF???

The SI has no real goals, he is just living out a power fantasy. So it is a pretty bland affair once the story stops following the canon timeline.

I could go on, but this got way to long even when I tried to keep it short.

 

If you'd take out all the chakra theory bullshit and toned down his edginess and gary stueness and random jutsu ass pulls this would be a great edgy power wank fic to wank off to.

As it is i'd give it a 1.5/5

 

I thought the story was a fun power fantasy. However, outside the combat scenes and once I read past Danzo, I started to skim.

When 80% of an 11k chapter is just chakra science theory used to rationalize how overwhelming powerful the main character is, it’s fine. But when it’s about 5 chapters back to back and probably felt more than 10 chapters total, I start to think poorly of the chunni intellectual spaz out.

On his profile page he mentions that this is more his stress relief than a serious go at a fanfic. If this story is what happens when he improvs from chapter to chapter, it’s still impressive. There’s something here that entices you keep reading- the fact you guys made to Danzo means you read at least 100-150k of a story you didn’t particularly care for.

2.5/5. For me SI fics seem like the closest you can get to the POV of someone with mild autism, but hey I liked this one. If the side characters and plot were interesting and if we cut down those rationalizations by 60%, I’d recommend this story to anyone.

 

I enjoyed it for the most part as a time waster. The Danzo fight was interesting, though the lead up was pretty predicable and dull, and I would have preferred for him to have stayed in Konoha rather than become yet another missing nin fic. So we will see what happens, but I suspect I'll lose interest quickly.

In saying that, the fact that of the Mist characters that we've been introduced to none of them are particularly good people and its very much a case of pick your poison which is a nice change from how they are usually written.

Overall its a 3/5 from me, it has interesting moments, but its got all the common pitfalls of a SI.

 

I agree with 3.5/5. It's clearly has major flaws, but I can't deny it was enjoyable in a power fantasy esque way. What is missing is a level of maturity in writing.