Bumped with Mid's permission.

I was looking through my review history for some laughs yesterday, and came across one I had to share. I gave it to a fic called "da triangl" which is a Teen Titans fic, the only one I've ever read.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3357790/1/

 

Oh, god. I remember that horrid crap-storm. I couldn't even be fucked to read the whole thing. I read two lines and promptly felt nauseous. Pardon me while I Alt+F4 the fuck out of that...

 

Bumping and this isn't even mine.

This is what Dr. FooFoo had to say about the 41st chapter of MyImmortal.

 

Are we c&ping My Immortal flames now? Because I remember quite a few ones that were hilarious.

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1965708/1/

 

For da traingl.

 

• Reading a fic with bad spelling: Headache inducing.
• Reading a review with bad spelling: Headache inducing.
• Reading a review with bad spelling that criticizes bad spelling in a fic: Priceless.

 

I think my best flame ever was:

"You know that brownish white fluid that leaks out of a woman's ass after anal? The stuff that's a mix of shit and cum? Ya, your fic made me think of that."

I was in a decidedly vindictive mood at the time.

 

That wasn't very vindicitive mate. It decidedly failed at being decidedly vidictive. It was decidedly pussyfooted compared to what most DLPer's flames are like.

 

Ps. Stupid, short messgae.

 

Bumped

The only flame I ever gave, I think, since I have no previous recollection of any others.

 

There are numerous misspellings and typos, and syntax and grammar aren't perfect. Still, I give you an A for effort.

 

So this one comes from a fic called "Wonderboy", by redtiger, set in an alternate universe (I believe) which attempts to give us a "fresh perspective" on HP from "a fast-talking member of Draco's posse" (an OC, natch) named (wait for it)..Xan Marlow- "who has her own agenda" which doesn't mesh with Harry's:


Since when did students at a British boarding school have "posses"? What do they do, wear their neckties around their foreheads like bandanas when they want to display their colors?

Sigh. Another alternate universe-type Mary Sue with her own "agenda".


And here's one from "GIngerbread", a story about Goffik!Harry by Nicks-and-Ticks, which finds harry working in a "Body Art" shop over Summer Hols:


Harry is NOT a goth. He does not work in a "body art" shop. He is British. If he had a job, it would probably be something traditionally British, such as construction, or delivering goods. However, he stays at the Dursley's during the summer, and they aren't inclined to allow him any sort of liberty when there are so many chores to be done around the house and yard that he can complete for them gratis. Please, if you want an original goth character with magical powers, create your own fictional universe, and place him there. Your Harry is a Harry-Sue.



And where would we be without Cutter!Harry? "Trapped in Darkness" by Gothic Kisses explores a universe where Harry is terrifyingly alone and terriffyingly numb:


Sigh. Brings to mind the lyrics from the Echo and the Bunnymen song.."..spare us the Cutter". Please, if these are you issues, seek some form of counseling for them, rather than inflicting them upon unsuspecting readers who expect to be entertained by the characters you have warped in such an unsavory manner with a fic containing scenes that seem to have been hatched like rabbit turds from a plot bunny that should have been clubbed to death at birth. On secondthought, if you turn this in during free-write in your composition class, perhaps your teacher will do the right thing and contact the school therapist.

(All fics found on FF.Net)

 

Not bad on the flames, but your view of typical British jobs is very stereotyped. Be careful of what you say if you're not familiar with something.

 

Yeah, I wish I could have had that statement back. A classmate in grad school was British; I nicked the job descriptions from what he'd done as a teen. I porbably should have emphasized that in retrospect, but I was concentrating more on the flame than the context in which it was delivered.

 

Well I actually wandered out of the safe confines of DLP, it was horrible.

I decided to go back to my fanfiction roots and see what had happened since my absence on HPANA.

I sort of got into a discussion with a fangirl who just believed that H/G and H/R was the most 'perfectest wonderfulest thing that would everest' occur.

I tried convincing her other wise, pointing out flaws in Hermione's character (what the thread was originally about) but her only reply would always be "Hermione is hot, and awesome" most of the time, when she wasn't actually attempting to insult me for having bashed her perfect character.

So I got frustrated and in an angry mindset at God for having created stupid people wrote what is above.

Not actually a flame, but I figure it qualifies as a flame, or at least I think it reads like an angry reviewer.

 

Bumped with Sree's permission.

I stumbled upon the following chapter, which was exclusively an author's note:

I therefore decided to drop her a review... Smallish flame, certainly not my meaner one.

 

Monument of literature?

I like the sarcasm Tinny, I find it sexy. . . But be more blunt next time, call it "an affront to literature".

 

This was actually one of my first flames.... wouldn't say it was funny, but meh.


Do you know what I think would be funny?


If you delete all your text files for this story and start a new one, hopefully with a plot.

Maybe, I don't know, maybe you could think of an original storyline?

Or maybe, just maybe, you could think about what your writing in comparison to good fiction, before you write it? (hopefully this suggestion would stop you from producing things like this)

-Linc-

 

Bumped. Deal with it.

Finally got around to my general-purpose go-to-hell-and-burn flame for shitty authors.

Enjoy.

Dear Sue/Stuthor, you have demonstrated by this...

-crappy story
-same old fantasy that no one cares about
-waste of bandwidth
-source of frustration for the REAL Potter fans everywhere

fanfic that you are...

-an illiterate imbecile
-a crappy writer
-a disgusting pervert
-a sex-deprived jerk
-a multiple offender
-a disgrace to all fanfic writers
-a narcissist
-(hopefully) a troll
-stupid
-a waste of oxygen
-a virgin for a reason
-a bad writer
-the village idiot
-a whiny git
-being MSTed
-being mocked.
-ignorant of Potterverse canon

and your fanfic has caused this flame because of its...

-blatant disregard of the English language (spelling, grammar, syntax...)
-disregard of the Potterverse which the story is set
-disregard and lack of knowledge of canon
-use of jargon that doesn't suit the fic's setting
-lack of formatting
-lack of plot
-unamusing and/or disgusting "humour"
-clichés
-nauseating metaphors and comparisons
-ridiculous sex scenes
-insertion of yourself into the Potterverse
-distortion of canon characters's personality (OOCness)
-character bashing
-masturbatory fantasies about Harry, Hermione, or Draco, Ron, etc. (they would be ashamed of you)
-disturbing events with no point
-use of serious issues (rape, torture, mental illness, death) as plot devices.
-Gratuitous depiction of violence without need for it.
-So-called random shit that is supposed to be amusing but is in fact the opposite
-So-called original characters which are actually poorly-disguised self-inserts

All of this is so unbearable that...

-I wanted to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spork after I read your story
-I was left with the deep urge to vomit (preferably on you)
-my cries of horror and indignation were heard halfway across town
-the canon characters would probably kill themselves (or you) if they read this fic
-you should never be allowed near a keyboard again
-all fans of the Potter fandom are screaming and writhing in pain
-Rowling will set her lawyers on you.

As penance, you must...

-take down this story at once, or expect more flames
-watch The Teletubbies and Super Milk Chan and Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo continuously for a week
-apologise to your readers for your ignorance
-smash up your keyboard and insert the pieces into any chosen orifice of your anatomy
-Read every book of Harry Potter until you know them all by heart.
-give up all your worldly possessions and become a monk/nun
-have your hands cut off so you may never besmirch the literary world with your garbage.
-throw away your vibrator and stop masturbating to impure thoughts of Draco.

In closing, I'd like to say...

-The spacebar is your friend, as is the Enter Key. Use both.
-Netspeak is a unacceptable form of writing. Netspeak is Netspeak and should not be used for anything else.
-Format your story properly. Use the Enter key when neccessary. Don't smush your words together. And USE SPELL CHECK.
-Don't post a fanfic before you've had it beta-read by someone who knows better than you
-Keep your fantasies about Harry or Hermione or Draco or any other Potterverse character to yourself
-Harry's siblings (if he has any) are dead. Harry's parents are dead so he can't know your sue-sibling
-Good fic has plot, tension and good writing. Your fic has none
-You owe me a new computer screen because I vomited on it.
-don't ever reproduce. The last thing we need is more Suethors.
-take your crap somewhere else (wait, don't. No one deserves to be terrorized by this)
-No one cares about your fantasy
-The genre of people getting sucked onto the Potterverse is old shit. It should be avoided at all costs.
-Harry does not belong with any form of original character. He belongs with Hermione or Tonks or even Ginny, if you're desperate. Anyone that is a canon character!
-Harry is NOT a bastard who will slobber over any girl, nor is he a OMFG wangst kind of guy. Hermione is not a PMS bitch, nor is she a nonexistent being that needs to be discarded when the Mary Sue makes her appearance. Dumbledore is much more than some wise old man. And don't assrape the characters for your twisted purposes.
-Fantasies are just that-fantasies. If you want to fantasize yourself in the Potterverse-by all means, go ahead. It IS fun. However, keep it to yourself, and your notebook and/or sketchbook.
-If Harry saw how you treated him in this story he would set you on fire. Seriously. His character has been raped and twisted so many times into OOCness that even Voldemort would feel bad for him.
-The only people who review your story are your little sockpuppet Suethor friends. You are not taken seriously by anyone else. Keep your fantasies to your little cliques.
-Learn from this list. It is designed to help you. Yes, it is brutal but the truth hurts, sweetie.

And last but certainly not least...may Tinn Tam use you for target practice.

There you go.

I left out anything about shitbabies and homos because I couldn't be fucked to bother, since I don't read it anyways.

Have a nice day!