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Complete Growing Strong by silencia20 - T - Naruto

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by najex, Nov 4, 2015.

  1. najex

    najex First Year

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    Title: Growing Strong
    Author: silencia20
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/drama
    Status: Complete
    Library Category: The Alternates
    Pairings: fem!Harry/Sasuke
    Summary: A bout of not-accidental magic transports six-year old Jasmine Potter to the Elemental Nations, where she becomes a member of one of Konoha's clans and finally creates bonds with new friends. fem!Harry. Warning: Abuse in chapter one, mentions of abuse in following chapters.
    Link: FanFiction.Net

    Told in first person pov.
    Spelling and grammer is mostly ok as far as I have noticed.
    There is the odd typo such as a space missing between words but its rare.
    Correct grammer is sometimes sacreficed for realisme of thoughts and drammatics.
    exp: "No. No. No Nononono, not 'name', not him, wake up, pleasepleaseplease, it's not funny, wake up! 'name'!"

    The bad:
    there is deus ex in the beginning with the tranportation from hpverse to narutoverse and the transfer of the knowledge, by mind jutsu, about a whole language that you just have to accept.
    Thougts can be a bid mush for her age.
    "I wonder if they notice the haunted look in my eyes. I'm almost completely sure they do" is not usualy a thought that six year olds have.
    Mostly follows the Naruto plot line so if you are tired of that than this can get tedious.

    the good:
    the main charackter is good.
    Jasmine wile obviously different from Harry in some ways still has all those charackteristics that make Harry Harry.
    Such as getting injured all the time, saying "I'm fine" when she's obviously not, mixed luck (that that can be seen as just the normal team 7 luck) and this scene where she confronts a evilish version of herself.
    ""WHY,!" she screams. "Why hurt yourself? why do you ALWAYS sacrefice yourself?!"
    "because" I say. "if the alternative where to happen, I woudn't want to live at all."" Tell me thats not someting Harry would say.

    There is a bit of angst in this story but in a good way.
    The friendship between Jasmine and Naruto is so sweet it can give you cavities. again in a good way.
    The romance with Sasuke is... interesitng. First time I have seen a romance developing by beating the shit out of each other. Its catharsis that they both need. keep in mind that they are 12 years old during this story so everyting is kept relatively innocent.

    The first person POV, the Shikamaru's little sister angle, having some interest in sealing and being the Sakura replacement of team 7 are similar to Silver Queen's Dreaming Of Sunshine. so if you like that (like I do) than perhaps you will like this.

    Wile this book is Complete the author says its going to be a tetralogy so it doesn't have a real conclusion.

    The last 2 stories I put up for review where not well received but I like this story so much that I am reading it for the third time so it MUST at the very least be decent enough for library right? right?
    I mean this fanfiction actualy has fanfiction FanFiction.Net and fanart of its own, it must be doing someting right.

    5/5 for me. I realy love it.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2015
  2. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Look, if the first few fics you put up were not well received and you haven't exceeded 10 posts, maybe refrain from posting more. Read some of the stuff posted here so you can have something to compare to.

    As for the fic itself ... eh. Reading the summary and your post regarding it, I originally assumed it was 1/5. Then I opened the first chapter. Yep, I was right.
     
  3. najex

    najex First Year

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    I did infact read some of the stuff on here. And I beleave this is just as good if not better.

    also
    Judging a story based on who posts it is wrong sir.
    If your distrust of me and my poor record is going to colour your perception of the story than just leave the poor thing alone.

    And I still beleave that unless the writing is truly atrocious (wich this isn't) giving a rating after not even reading chapter 1 is wrong.
     
  4. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    You misunderstood. I didn't judge the story because you rec'd it. I don't know you, and wouldn't care even if I did. I did judge the story because it was shit, however. Defend it if you want, but it will remain shit.

    If you believe this is just as good if not better than the rest of the stories here, you obviously need to read some more.
     
  5. Lungs

    Lungs KT Loser ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    i love girl's generation tbh
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    K, I just took one quote from the each of the first three chapters.

    I think it speaks for itself.
     
  6. najex

    najex First Year

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    Sorry if I acused you unjustly of being unfair. I just honestly can't seem to think of any reason beyond those I placed in my review why somebody woudn't like this.

    How mush do I need to read from the library befor I can post storys myself? Until what DLP considers good becomes what I consider good? And if I still don't recognise whats good afterwards thats a sign that I still haven't read enough?

    I am to mush of a gryffindor to stop saying someting is amazing just cuz others disagree with me. If people keep saying its shit they, ofc, may do so but I am not stoping.

    tho maybe I will limit myself to posting a story only once a month or two. don't wanne irritate people more then necessary.
     
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2015
  7. LoyalFenian

    LoyalFenian Fourth Year

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    Until you can spell library would be a good start, I assume.
     
  8. najex

    najex First Year

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    touché. :eek:

    I am dyslectic, so these things do happen and I am looking up how to spell stuff when I am uncertain. You should see how my posts look befor I try to check it for mistakes. I am trying but sometimes things slip past me.

    Your correction has been noted and fixed.
     
  9. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Ooookay....

    Najex put a lot more effort into the first post than quite a few of our postwhores older members do - so there is no reason to bash him.

    The story itself, though, .... isn't really that great.
     
  10. Jjf88

    Jjf88 Auror

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    If you're wanting to better your reading experiences you should check the library for 4 or 5 star stories and then you'll get a feel for what a standard 'decent' story is. If you're stuck then captivating prose, good character development and realistic dialogue is a decent go-to check list.

    In this story there isn't any hook that makes me want to read on. It's a standard beginning for the Potter of this story. Cupboard with Petunia, the writing itself is a bit boring and meh. Couldn't get past the first chapter but thought I'd weigh in with advice since you asked for it.
     
  11. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Minion has the right of it. The story isn't that great, and the OP isn't nailing his introduction to the forum, but we've had worse stories and worse posts.

    I started reading the story, and we'll see how far I get. Right now the plan is to add a brief commentary on the chapters as I read them, but I suspect I won't get to the end of this one unless I start skimming.

    Chapter 1 - Could have been summarized into about two sentences, but instead the author decided to harp endlessly on Jasmine's over-the-top abuse. It's cliche, poorly written, and serves no purpose.

    You can skip chapter 1, here's what you need to know: Harry is Girl!Harry and named Jasmine. The Dursleys abused her so much that she wanted to get away so bad that she magic'd herself to the Narutoverse. Only noted differences from canon!Harry are gender and the fact that Jasmine liked to read Mrs Figg's books, giving this Harry a taste for big words and vocabulary.

    That in itself is fine, honestly. If you want to write a fic like this then the obvious thing to do is to stick Harry into Sakura's place on team 7, so I can see why the author chose Girl!Harry. I say it's obvious because Kakashi, Sasuke, and Naruto are all interesting and plot relevant from the start whereas Sakura was not.

    So Chapter 1 is a stereotypically bad first chapter, but some authors struggle with first chapters and set-up. So I will keep going.

    Chapter 2 isn't much better, but here we run into a problem that I can't just suspend or ignore.

    Six year old Jasmine Potter is, well, six. But she reads like she's at least sixteen. That's a problem for me. Because either the author has decided that in addition to dropping Harry into the Narutoverse he needs to be both female and an absolute prodigy... or the author just can't write an doesn't realize it's a problem. I suspect the latter in this case.

    For example, this is NOT the internal dialogue of an abused six year old Harry Potter:
    That's the internal dialogue of an adult, or at least a teenager. TBH it reads like an SI fic, where an adult has died and been reincarnated as a small child... but that's not what this story is billed as. It's not just that paragraph either, it's rampant and consistent and drives me up the wall.

    There's nothing wrong with a 1st person POV Harry Potter story, but in this case I think they'd have been better off sticking with third person. It would have let them avoid this particular issue altogether.

    Anyway not a ton happens in Chapter 2. Basically Jasmine wakes up in a Konoha hospital and is visited by Inoichi, Shikaku, and the Sandaime. There's a minor language issue, but it's resolved quickly since Inoichi just reads her mind (and gets all her backstory easily) then touches her and sticks the language skills she needs directly into her brain.

    It's another set-up chapter, in other words. Chapter 1 set up the HP parts and Chapter 2 set up the Naruto parts.

    Onwards to chapter 3!

    Where we start to see some semblance of things moving, but it's still not drawing me in. The Sandaime is a bit overly nice and helpful, but there could be reasons for that.

    The horcrux (referred to as a 'thing' that crawled into her head) is apparently gone. Which leaves me to wonder what part of this character is actually Harry Potter?

    He's female instead of male. Jasmine reads like an adult, a mature adult, when she's only six years old ('vocabulary from reading Mrs Figgs books' does not explain this). The horcrux (and presumably the Voldemort plot, since Harry traveled to a different dimension) is gone. There's probably not a Hogwarts or any magic, since it's a different dimension and Harry expressed a desire to learn jutsu. Harry Potter is now Nara Riko (Riko means Jasmine, apparently). This all happens pre-canon events, before Harry ever got a Hogwarts letter, so the canon character we're all familiar with doesn't exist yet and will grow up in a completely different world.

    Shikaku is... decently done, though. And how he deals with the child suddenly in his care works for me. It's the first time I found the story to be worth reading, even if this part only edged up to a 3/5. He offers his hand, she refuses, and he says he'll carry her if she doesn't accept the offer. She does. Then he calmly points out signs and whatnot to help her sort through her new language skills.

    ...it doesn't make the story anything but 1/5 at this point, but it's enough to make me keep going.

    But let's be honest, if the OP hadn't said he'd read it three times, I wouldn't have gotten this far. I'd have stopped halfway through chapter 1. But I'd hoped that whatever had made him read it that many times would make it somewhat engaging.

    ^Chapter 4 was somewhere in that, I forgot to mark it. Chapter 5... Harry/Riko wakes up in Konoha, and I'm hopeful that this chapter will start plot related events.

    But I'm going to skim and stop writing so much, because I'm impatient.

    Chapter 5 was settling into the Nara clan. Bonding with Shikaku, Yoshino, and Shikamaru. Nothing special. Felt like filler.

    I keep forgetting that the main character is supposed to be Harry Potter in chapter 6. Not just because of the lack of HPverse, but because Riko doesn't read much like Harry. Sometimes I find things that remind me, like when Riko notices the looks that Naruto gets (which feels right, since Harry used to get those same looks).

    BTW there was an A/N somewhere that implied Britain, Magic, and Hogwarts would factor into the story, but only in the third story?

    Regardless I do feel the story got a little better once Naruto became an actual character around Chapter 7 even if they haven't interacted yet.

    I'll probably skim the rest at a later date, but it didn't manage to hook me in the first 7 chapters, and they weren't short chapters. 2/5 overall. I'll post again if I think it gets significantly better, assuming that I get much further.

    Edit: I did keep reading later, fwiw. End of Chapter 14 is team assignments, if anyone wanted to skip to that.

    Mostly what happened in the mean time is that Riko!Harry and Naruto are best friends, Riko trains with Sasuke regularly but otherwise they don't interact, and Riko has fairly solid skills due to her mother's training. The friendship between Naruto and Riko!Harry is pretty cool/sweet, but that's the only thing that stood out to me as well done from chapters 7 through 14.

    Edit2: First suspected hint of magic in Chapter 18, when one of Riko!Harry's water clones is noticed to be acting odd. Kakashi notes a different kind of chakra around it, and wonders if Riko!Harry might have some kind of bloodline.

    ...and so on. The story is slow, and not particularly good. But if you're really bored it might be a time waster, particularly if you started after Chapter 7 or so. Feels like a typical 'almost recommended' story to me. Not good enough to recommend, but once you get past the worst parts of it some parts are almost good.

    Still not library worthy though, or not in my opinion. 2/5


     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2015
  12. najex

    najex First Year

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    I feel I need to tankCheddarTrek for his review even if it wasn't as possitive as I had hoped, I appreciate the attempt.

    I actualy have haven't read many story's about 6 year olds and the ones I do remember reading have the same problem. So I suppose that problem wasn't as noticeable for me.

    For me this is one of those storys I keep thinking about even after I have stopped reading and I realy did read it 3 times cuz I like it that much. Tho I admit the third time was so I could look for mistakes for review purposes, not that I found many.
    To see it getting such a negative reaction out of my peers is most disheartening.
    Perhaps it just appeals to a specefic niche that I belong to.
    Oh well, we can't all like the same things. I will keep singing its praises regardless.
     
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2015
  13. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Well, a lot of stories do have the same problem with writing small children. In some cases it's explained (like in an SI), and in some it's not as obvious (because of 3rd person).

    Consider giving "A Personal Matter" by Orodruin a try. It's not a 5/5 story either, but it also has a version of Harry Potter entering the Narutoverse at around six years old. I'm fond of this one, however. You might not like it, but that's okay too. Different opinions for everyone!
     
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